“Jayne.”

“Yeah, Mal?”

“What are you doing?”

“Shh.”

“Are you shushing me?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you shushing me on my own boat?”

“Yeah.”

“I just want to get this clear. Are you shushing someone who is, in fact, captain on his own boat? And did you just sigh at me?”

“No, Mal. Musta been the wind.”

“We’re inside.”

“Yeah, but those beans we had at supper ...”

“Stop.”

“Yeah. Wish they would.”

“Jayne. Why are you shushing me?”

“’Cause I don't want River to hear.”

“She’s psychic, Jayne.”

“So?”

“So she can hear anyone if she takes a mind to.”

“No. She’s bein’ good. On account of it being Christmas.”

“Afraid Santa ain’t gonna bring her something nice?”

“’Xactly.”

“She does know Santa isn’t real, doesn’t she?”

“Course she does. My girl’s a genius.”

“And you know Santa isn’t real, right?”

“Mal.”

“Just checking. So why’s she being all good?”

“’Cause Santa might not –”

“I mean since she knows he’s an incarnation of a mythological imperative?”

“You been reading the dictionary again?”

“It was Bethie, actually. She wanted to know if Santa Claus really exists.”

“And she asked if he was a ‘carnation of a ... what was it?”

“Mythological imperative.”

“Right. And you said?”

“I told her to go ask her Ma.”

“Sneaky.”

“Captain.”

“Yeah. Anyway ... what was the question?”

“River. Santa. Being good.”

“Oh, right. Well, she said that although she knows Santa ain’t real, she hadn’t got no empire ... umpire ... empiri ... she’s got nothing to prove he don’t exist, so she was gonna cover all bases and be good anyway.”

“Maybe I should’ve told Bethie to go speak to her Auntie River.”

“I think she prob’ly did. S’prob’ly why the squirt’s a mite confused.”

“Probably. The fact that she’s your wife confuses me all the time.”

“Hey, me too.”

“So what are you doing? At ... hell, gone one in the a.m. of Christmas morning?”

“Sewing.”

“I can see that. Why?”

“’Cause it wasn’t big enough. And why’re you up, anyway?”

“Frey’s peckish. And you can take that grin off your face.”

“What, this one?”

“That’s it.”

“So you’re taking her some sugar sticks ready for round two?”

“Jayne, you’ve got a smutty mind.”

“S’what River loves about me. ‘Mong other things.”

“I'm not even gonna go down that route. So, what ... you bought a Santa hat? Only it’s too small?”

“I put it on and the seam broke. So I’m stitching it back up.”

“And you had to do that with no shirt on.”

“That’s kinda the point.”

“It is?”

“I'm River’s Christmas present.”

“I know I’m gonna regret asking this, but ... huh?”

“I didn’t know what to get her. So I got her me.”

“Topless. In a Santa hat.”

“Yeah. Kinda cunning, don’t you think?”

“I ...”

“Bottomless, too.”

“Jayne, tell me you ain’t sitting there on my chair ass-naked.”

“Nope. Look.”

“Oh, God ...”

“S’called a posing pouch. Only I sewed the white fur on it.”

“That’s ...”

“Neat, huh?”

“No. Not the word I’d use. Gorramit, but I'm gonna have to wash my brain out, and I’m fair sure this picture ain’t gonna go easy. Although I suppose I should be glad you didn’t go the whole hog and tie a ribbon round it.”

“Well ...”

“Frey! Get my gun!”

---

“... and Tilias McFee promises all his customers will be refunded the initial purchase price in the new year, as soon as he gets back from his long vacation at the exclusive Ribbon Spa on Ariel. And in local news, Mrs Gladys Cumberbatch, 59, is being treated in St Luke’s Hospital for extreme shock after reportedly seeing a scantily dressed man being evicted from a ship at the North Street Docks. He was, apparently, loudly protesting his innocence, but was quite polite when he saw her and raised the red and white hat off his head, wishing her the compliments of the season. Mrs Cumberbatch, who had been returning from a family party, is not currently available for comment, although one of the nurses who treated her reported that she had a large smile on her face, and kept repeating something about never having seen one with white fur around it before. We recommend abstinence next year, Mrs Cumberbatch! And now back to the unseasonably warm weather ...”

Merry Christmas, everyone!