Sign Up | Log In
BLUE SUN ROOM FILK
Adelai Niska has a musical composed to celebrate his anniversary
CATEGORY: FILK TIMES READ: 2022 RATING: 9 SERIES: FIREFLY
Author's Note: Ok, I admit I have problems. The following selections are set to the music of Fiddler on the Roof. Except where speaking is designated, all lines should be sung (preferably in a thick Russian accent).
Selections from Tyrant on the Roof:
A Love and Guts Medley
Written for: The Great Adelai Niska
Performed by: The Niska Skyplex Goons and Torture Victims
Dedicated to: Niska’s Beautiful Wife, Olga, on This Day February 14, 2517: Their 45th Wedding Anniversary
[Setting: The curtain rises. Niska’s torture room set deep within the depths of his Skyplex. The Goons are hard at work making sure that Niska’s reputation remains solid in spite of the recent, regrettable escape of one Malcolm Reynolds. Olga Niska sits off in the corner carefully polishing various implements of “persuasion.” Enter, our hero, Adelai Niska, home at last from a hard day of “negotiations” and ready to enjoy the hard won comforts of his home and a little “entertainment.”]
Overture/Position [To the tune of “Tradition”]
Position, position! Position!
You know what is reputation? Is people talking, is gossip. Nothing. Position is solid, is power. Without position, we are like a . . . we are like a tyrant on the roof.
He, day and night, must torture for a living,
Take his wife’s squawking; keep us goons in place.
Without a doubt he’s master of this skyplex.
But, don’t say that to Olga’s face.
To Niska, to Niska! Position.
I must know to the way to keep a proper home.
A comfort zone, a soft-warm bed.
If I ever fail to act like Doris Day,
I’m liable to lose my head.
To Olga, to Olga! Position.
[Niska sets about “relaxing” which entails activities that are better left unsaid. Completely ignored by her husband, Olga stays off to a corner of the room. She is torn between wanting a little attention and relief that he hasn’t noticed her.]
Torturer, Torturer [To the Tune of Matchmaker]
(Torture Victim 1)
Torturer, torturer, please make it stop.
I’ll do the job, you’ll be on top.
Torturer, torturer, I’m on your hook,
I won’t even tell a cop.
(Torture Victim 2)
Torturer, torturer, where is your soul?
Please let me go. No! Drop that pole!
Just name your price, I’ll scratch that itch.
I’ll be your good and faithful bitch.
(Torture Victim 3)
For God’s sake why won’t listen?!
I’ve a family I’m longing to see.
(Torture Victim 4)
My entrails’s starting to glisten!
(Torture Victim Chorus)
We’ll do anything, just let us go free.
Adelai, Adelai, I’m getting bored.
Night after night, I'm on my own.
I’m sick and tired of being alone.
So please hear no pleas, book no more hooks,
Take no more jobs, just kill the slobs!
Oh, why can’t you hear my sobs?!
[Niska finally notices Olga standing off to the side of the room. He looks at her, reminiscing about how they met. Olga wonders if he’s planning to have her join the Torture Victims.]
Breathe In, Scream Out [To the Tune of Sunrise, Sunset]
Is this the beauty that I married?
When the hell she’d get so fat?
My luck, I married a psychotic.
He even skinned my cat.
I found her in the great gulag
Struggling just to survive.
And, then he killed my nephew.
I’m lucky to be alive.
Breathe in, scream out
Painful are our days!
Flesh wounds turn overnight to gangrene,
Pus fills our blood soaked gaze.
Knife thrust and twist
Slowly go the years!
One victim following another
Laden with entreaties and tears
Once upon a time she was pretty.
But I would not change her one bit.
Niska are you coming to dinner?
Supper’s getting cold-
They look so natural together.
So much love for all to see.
Yes darling, we’ll dine in here tonight
Run now and fetch the tea.
[The Goons set up a small table set for two. Olga returns with tea and the couple settles down for an intimate meal, serenaded by the moans and whimpers of Niska’s victims.]
Would You Kill Me? [To the Tune of Do You Love Me?]
Adelai, I’ve decided to change the curtains in our bedroom. I was thinking yellow silk might add a cheerful glow to the room.
What??? Silk is expensive. Since Reynolds, business not so solid. I swear I could kill you for all the money you spend.
I was just suggesting. You must learn to relax. Think of your ulcer. Most men your age have retired. You are still running around like a warlord half your age. Having homes burned. Children enslaved. Oy! I don’t know where you get the strength to kill these days. Even Stalin took a vacation now and then [She pauses looking at him intently]. . . Adelai
Would you kill me?
Would I what?!
Would I kill you?
With the business all in shambles
And Reynolds running aroun’
I’m upset, I’m worn out
Go upstairs, go lie down!
I’ve no time for stupid question
Adelai, I’m asking you the question. . .
You are silly woman
I know . . .
But would you kill me?
For forty-five years we’ve shared a ship
Burned down towns, quashed small moons
Across the verse we’ve made heads bow
After forty-five years, why speak of killing now?
Niska, the first time I met you
A gun was to my head
I was scared
(Niska, smiling embarrassedly)
I was nervous. I was shy.
I thought I was going to die
But you spared my life and my brother
Since then we’ve belonged to each other
And now I’m asking, Niska
You’re my wife
For forty-five year we’ve share a bed
I’d rather die, than see you dead
Forty-five years my life is yours
When I’m with you my heart soars
Then you love me?
You could say that, yes
And I could say I love you too
This doesn’t change a thing
I’ll still sleep with one eye open
Put a foot wrong, I’ll have that foot broken
But even so
After forty-five years
It’s nice to know
[Having finally admitted their mutual love after forty-five years of leaving a bloody trail through the verse, Olga and Niska, joined by the Goons and Torture Victims come together for the big finale.]
Position Reprise [Again, to the Tune of Tradition]
(Niska and Olga)
He, day and night, may threaten to kill me but
He’s still my honey-
-Don’t call me that.
Man must work to keep his position solid
But it all means nothing . . .
Without his beloved
(Chorus of Goons and Torture Victims)
To Love, to Niska! Position!
To Love, to Olga! Position!
[The curtain drops. In payment for their brilliant performance the Goons and Torture Victims get the rest of the night off. Niska and Olga retire upstairs to properly celebrate their anniversary.]
Sunday, February 13, 2005 11:05 PM
Monday, February 14, 2005 6:18 AM
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 6:50 PM
Monday, September 05, 2005 1:12 PM
Monday, January 30, 2006 7:11 PM
Wednesday, February 08, 2006 7:32 AM
You must log in to post comments.
OTHER FILKS BY AUTHOR
All FIREFLY graphics and photos on this page are copyright 2002-2012 Mutant Enemy, Inc., Universal Pictures, and 20th Century Fox.
All other graphics and texts are copyright of the contributors to this website.
This website IS NOT affiliated with the Official Firefly Site, Mutant Enemy, Inc., or 20th Century Fox.