The Wedding
Saturday, June 18, 2005

Over at the UB, they are having a contest for you to write Wash and Zoe's wedding vows. I figured that this is as close as a fan-fic as I'll ever write, so here it is, Wash and Zoe's wedding.


Aboard the Hesperia space station, Zoe and Wash walk arm-in-arm into a "nook chapel", basically a room in an out-of-the-way corner whose walls are made of hanging fabric, where a "minister" (badly needing a shave, and NOT needing another drink) sits in a folding chair beside a collapsible podium. Minister: "You two looking to get hitched?" Wash: (joking) "Oh, sorry, wrong room!" (He half-turns as if to leave.) Zoe: (FIRMLY holding Wash's arm) "Yes, preacher, if you've got the time." Minister: (standing) "Sure, lots of time." (He flips some switches, and lights and soft music come on.) "OK, rates are as follows. Basic service, no frills, 10 credits. Don't need a witness, we vid the legal parts and post it on the Cortex. Next level up, we have the....." Zoe: (interrupting) "No, preacher, we just want to get it over and done. Basic service is fine." Wash: "What, no flowers?" Zoe: "No flowers." Wash: "Not even for me?" (Bats his eyes at her) Zoe LOOKS at Wash, half a beat... Wash: "Ok, preacher, we're, ah, ready now..." (Gives Zoe his best disarming goofy grin) Minister: "I'll need those ten credits in advance." Wash hands over the coins. Minister: (shuffling papers they need to sign)"Do the two of you have your own vows written, or do you want to skip that part too?" Wash: "I don't know, hadn't really thought...." Zoe: "Just do the service, preacher, and let us know when we need to say something." Minister: "What I need from you two is to sign here.." (Points to lines on a form, they sign) "and here..." (another line, both sign, Wash mutters about 'too much paperwork') "and then I sign here..." (he signs) "and we're ready!" (He tries to make out their names) "Now um, Zoe, you stand on the left, and, ah Hob... Hoban...?" Zoe: (turning to Wash, fighting a grin) "Hoban?" Wash: (slightly indignant) "Yes, Hoban! It's a family name, clear back to Earth-that-was there have been Hobans in my family tree!" Zoe: "I sure hope your family won’t mind skipping the name for at least one generation." Wash: "And what's wrong with..." (He gets it, she's talking about kids!) ".. Uh, well I, um...." Minister: "Now Hoban, you stand on the right, there, just like that..." The minister checks a vid screen off to the side - everyone is in frame. He flips one last switch to start recording. Minister: (just going through the motions...) "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony, if anyone knows of a reason they should not be so joined let him speak now or forever hold his piece, do you, Zoe, wish to say anything to Hoban?" Zoe looks slightly confused... Minister: "Maybe tell him how you feel.....?" Zoe: "OH! Right." (She turns to Wash.) "Wash... I mean Hoban..." (She almost GIGGLES, then settles down) "I never thought I'd fall for you. But then you shaved off that stupid moustache. You make me laugh, something that I've missed a lot over the years. You take me as I am, and I can take you as you are, and I love you for that." (Turns back to the minister) "OK, I'm done." Minister: "Hoban, do you wish to say something to Zoe?" Wash: "Wuh de ma, do I ever!" (He turns to Zoe) "Zoe, you are the most incredible woman I have ever met! The way you are so strong, and still every inch a woman, makes me crazy. And the way you can...." (Glances at the minister) "...uh, never mind. For whatever reasons you love me, my little tiger-kitten, I’ll do my best to be worthy of you, for the rest of our lives." Minister: "All right. Zoe, please repeat after me. 'I, Zoe, take you, Hoban, to be my wedded husband.'" Zoe: "I, Zoe, take you, Wash... I mean Hoban, to be my wedded husband." Minister: "'To love, honor, cherish and obey, for as long as we both shall live.'" Zoe: "To love, honor and cherish, for as long..." Minister: (interrupting) "Love, honor, cherish and OBEY." Zoe: (looking the minister dead in the eye) "To love, honor and cherish, for as long as we both shall live." Wash: "That's ok, preacher, I'll do enough obeying for the both of us." Minister: (under his breath) "Wuh de tyen, ah." (Back to business) "Well, son, it's your wedding. Repeat after me. 'I, Hoban, take you, Zoe, to be my wedded wife.'" Wash: "I, Hoban, take you, Zoe, to be my wedded wife." Minister: "'To love, honor, cherish and obey, for as long as we both shall live.'" Wash: "To obey, love, honor, obey, cherish, and again obey, for as long as we both shall live." (Grins) Minister: "By the power granted me by Hesperia Station, and in the name of God, I pronounce you to be married." (He flips the switch, turning off the camera). "That's it, kids. You're married. You can kiss, if you want." Wash: (pulling Zoe close) "Get back to the ship, we'll do more than that!" Zoe: (grabs Wash's ass) "You got that right!" Minister: "Hey, hey, kiss I said!!" Zoe: "You're right, preacher; I think we're done here." (Grabs Wash's arm to leave) Wash: (as he's dragged from the room) "Thanks; it was a lovely service, not a dry eye in the house...." Zoe and Wash, once again arm-in-arm, walk back towards the docking bay where Serenity is berthed. Wash: (looking at their marriage certificate) "Wow! It's official. I guess that since I'm a married man now, lustful looks at other women are out of bounds?" Zoe: "Oh no, looking is fine, Hoban dearest, it's the touching you'll regret." (She holds up a pinkie finger) "Remember what I told you?" Wash: "Ok can we be done with the Hoban now? I always hated the name, and if Mal ever found out.... say, why wasn't he here again?" Zoe: "First reason is, he's out with a contact about a job." Wash: "Funny timing." Zoe: "Not really. Second reason is, I never told him." Wash: "WHAT?"


Saturday, June 18, 2005 6:37 PM


This is absolutely HI-larious! You've got real talent; I can't write humor well, so I'm jealous! Why haven't you written more? Well done, Jester!

Saturday, June 18, 2005 7:00 PM


It's nice seeing familiar material covered in a new way. Very shway. I always though their wedding would've been the equivalent of a Vegas wedding.

Sunday, June 19, 2005 12:51 PM


I can so see Zoe NOT telling Mal about the wedding. Harder for him to argue and holler his way through their oh so shiny wedding service! Wash has married him one very sneaky woman - not to mention she can kill him with her pinky! Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Thursday, June 30, 2005 4:03 AM



Thursday, September 8, 2005 7:50 AM


Zoe: "Not really. Second reason is, I never told him."

Wash: "WHAT?"

i can just SEE the look of terrified panic on hob-, i mean, WASH'S face *grins like a cheeky hamster*

Thursday, December 28, 2006 9:15 AM


Tiger kitten, and Wash's obeying... you have a beautiful take on Wash's voice.


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