BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - HUMOR

MANICGIRAFFE

Wardrobe Malfunction 3: Mission Impractical
Sunday, November 20, 2005

Jayne and Simon have different definitions of "plan". Everyone else relaxes and has a beer.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2898    RATING: 9    SERIES: FIREFLY

Well, I got inspired. We learn the fate of Jayne's pants. We learn the fate of Simon's plan. Kaylee learns something somewhat disturbin'.

Oh, and a special note to ItsaWash: the last line was written especially for your slashy little heart. Enjoy.

*****

"Sorry, Doc! Looks like yer a casualty of war!"

"Sweet Jesus, Jayne! What happened to 'leave no man behind'? I'm stuck!" Simon tried not to panic. The plan was already unravelling, and they hadn't even 'breached the perimeter', as Jayne had put it. Simon's plan for 'breachin' of the permimeter' had involved walking through the door and asking to see the manager, while maybe taking a look in the lost and found. Jayne had vetoed this plan based on lack of panache - although he used the term "borin' as all hell" - and suggested a slightly more theatrical entrance.

As a result, Simon now found himself suspended upside down, twenty feet above the alley alongside the bar. The new and improved plan, which met with the Jayne Cobb seal of approval, involved sneaking onto the roof, kicking in a vent - or making a vent if one was not available - and having Jayne rapel down into the room while Simon anchored him from above. The plan had met with a snag roughly seven seconds in, when Jayne failed to tie the correct knot in their rope while scaling the building. The rope had slipped, tangled, and left Simon impersonating a trout on a fishing line. Even worse, Jayne was now hovering over him from the roof, and Simon's already too intimate view of Jayne's underpants had not been improved in the slightest.

"Just hang in there, boy. I'll be back with yer drawers and we'll get you up." Jayne waved at Simon and disappeared from view.

"Well, isn't this grand. I really am a criminal mastermind," Simon muttered. "At least the big ape hasn't started using grenades." On cue, an explosion sounded from within the building, shaking the windows and stirring some dust into Simon's face. He closed his eyes. "Oh, ruttin' hell."

** Mal Reynolds had never seen Zoe drive so fast in her life. Careening around the corner, they were just in time to hear a large explosion from the direction of the bar. "Park in that alley, Zoe." He directed Zoe to an alley next to the bar, where they could observe the action but keep the non-combatants out of the line of fire. Zoe pulled into the space and parked, letting the hovercraft collapse to the ground. River hopped off of Kaylee's lap and ran around to the back of the mule. A bit of digging in the storage hatch and she returned with beers and snacks. They all settled in for the show. No one looked up.

In the next three minutes, Mal had counted no fewer than 10 people running from the bar. No one appeared to be physically injured, but one man seemed a bit dazed, and another woman was sobbing uncontrollably while muttering about bears. Mal smiled. His boys did good work.

Simon, on the other hand, only had a great view of his newly arrived crew, and waited a full five minutes for his friends to notice him before giving in. "Thought the mule couldn't run with five, Captain", he yelled by way of greeting. Mal about jumped out of his skin, spilling half of his beer down his shirt. Simon waved from his position up the wall and tried to sound relaxed. "Ladies, good evening." Inara and River waved back.

"Don't you worry none 'bout the mule, honey. I got it covered." Kaylee smiled sweetly up at him, before sitting back and sipping her beer.

"What the gorram hell you doing up there, Simon?" Mal had expected to see the Doc fall on his ass during this caper. He certainly didn't expect his doctor trussed up like a game bird.

"Assaulting the building. Isn't it obvious?" Mal's face indicated that no, it certainly wasn't. "Your mercenary appears to have limited ability in the tactical assault field, sir." Another explosion punctuated Simon's observation, followed by some minor gunfire. "Would one of you be kind enough to get me down from here?"

River rolled her eyes. Her brother took so much looking after. "Captain? May I borrow your weapon, please?" Mal considered his youngest crew memeber, glanced up at the Doc, shrugged, and handed her his gun.

"Zoe, could you please stand under Simon? He's not heavy." Zoe nodded, quirking her lips in amusement. River glanced up at Simon, and with a smirk at Mal, closed her eyes. Three quick shots later, the rope was severed and Simon was laying in the dirt. Zoe had broken his fall, but damned if she was going to catch him like a baby.

Simon stood up and rubbed his back where he'd smacked into the ground. "You," he said, pointing and glowering at Kaylee, clearly irked that she had left him to hang, "are going to kiss this better later on. But first, Captain, I need to borrow your gun."

"You Tams need to start bringin' your own firearms. What you need my gun for?"

"I'm going to shoot Jayne."

** "So, as I was sayin', me an' my friend were just havin' a quiet drink last night, and we seem to have left some articles of a personal nature. Would you be able to maybe help in locatin' 'em?" Jayne was leaning on the bar as Simon approached. There were several broken and singed tables scattered about the room, and a few dozen bullet holes decorated the far wall. No one seemed to be injured. Yet.

"Oh, hey Doc, was just gettin' to the good part here." Jayne acknowledged Simon with a nod, before levelling his gun at the barman. "Any ideas?"

"I'm sure we can find your item, Mr...." The bartender trailed off, hoping Jayne would supply his name instead of a bullet.

"Grizzly. Call me Grizzly." Jayne gave the man a toothy smile. Simon put his hand to his head. He was sure a headache was coming on.

'Well, Mr. Grizzly, let's see if anyone turned them in." The bartender rooted around behind the bar, coming up with a box of cast off clothing. "Are these the items?"

"Hell yes!" Jayne reached over and triumphantly plucked his long lost pants from the pile. He passed it to Simon, who's expression indicated that he wouldn't touch anything that came out of that box with a ten-foot pole. "Now," Jayne gestured to the barkeep with his gun, "the next time some good lookin' fellers like ourselves come in here, I wanna see some effort to keep their drawers on 'em, dong ma?"

"Of course, sir. Sorry for the trouble."

"So they were in the lost and found this whole time?" Simon was now positive that headache was on the way.

"Seems so."

"Hold still, Jayne. I need to shoot you." Jayne looked surprised. "Don't worry. The Captain gave me permission."

** Kaylee's eyes popped open. She was sure she'd heard something.

She looked to her left, where Simon was out cold, curled up between her and the wall. He hadn't been sleeping well the last few nights. He had chalked it up to his harrowing experience being suspended above the street. Or possibly the harrowing experience of Jayne's boxers. It really didn't matter which.

There. She heard it again. Simon was talking in his sleep.

Kaylee about melted right there. He was just so cute, hair sticking up, drooling on his pillow, mumbling to himself. She smoothed out the biggest cowlick, leaned over to kiss his cheek, and tried to get an idea of what he was saying. She only managed to make out one phrase:

"Yes sir, Mr. Grizzly."

COMMENTS

Sunday, November 20, 2005 6:42 PM

SHINYGEEKET


Loved this. So good. Will be awaiting more fics from you in the future!

Sunday, November 20, 2005 6:55 PM

SAMEERTIA


----------------
"What the gorram hell you doing up there, Simon?" Mal had expected to see the Doc fall on his ass during this caper. He certainly didn't expect his doctor trussed up like a game bird.


"Assaulting the building. Isn't it obvious?"
---------

I snorted water out of my nose! Ouch! Killer laughing now!

Monday, November 21, 2005 5:32 AM

RINNYPJ


"Jayne had vetoed this plan based on lack of panache - although he used the term "borin' as all hell" - and suggested a slightly more theatrical entrance."

God, you so completely have the dynamic between Jayne and Simon perfect. I hope you continue to explore these two in a non-slashy manner! They're hilarious!

Monday, November 21, 2005 6:12 AM

ANA


"Well, isn't this grand. I really am a criminal mastermind," Simon muttered. "At least the big ape hasn't started using grenades." On cue, an explosion sounded from within the building, shaking the windows and stirring some dust into Simon's face. He closed his eyes. "Oh, ruttin' hell."

Uh-oh, Simon finally took the fall and started dropping his "g"'s. Tsk tsk, what *is* the world coming to? ;)

This is ruttin' hilarious!

Monday, November 21, 2005 8:05 AM

BELLONA


"Hold still, Jayne. I need to shoot you." Jayne looked surprised. "Don't worry. The Captain gave me permission."
possibly one of the best simon lines EVER!!!! can just picture jayne's face now...

b

Monday, January 30, 2006 10:48 PM

WILLOWSKYLOR


yup this is defenetly what it feels like to go mad. you have mannaged to make me speechless for about an hour. tears literally filled my eyes. please write more.

Friday, February 17, 2006 10:04 AM

MAANTRE


[uncontrollable laughter]

Thursday, February 23, 2006 3:11 AM

TAYEATRA


"You Tams need to start bringin' your own firearms."

Genius... Utter Genius!

Thursday, February 23, 2006 12:13 PM

RMMC


Beautiful job! I thin kthis will keep me giggling the rest of the day. Thanks!

Thursday, March 9, 2006 10:35 AM

KILLWITHBRAIN


*gasps of laughter*

someone... needs... to draw... simon trussed 20 ft. up in the alley outside a bar where he left his pants

Tuesday, October 3, 2006 11:24 AM

LEIASKY


>"You," he said, pointing and glowering at Kaylee, clearly irked that she had left him to hang, "are going to kiss this better later on. But first, Captain, I need to borrow your gun."

"You Tams need to start bringin' your own firearms. What you need my gun for?"

"I'm going to shoot Jayne."


ROTFL! That whole exchange had me giggling like a loon!

And the pants were in lost and found anyway! ROTFL!


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