All the Tools for the Job
Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Something's gone awry with the crew, and Mal's determined to figure out what.


Serenity had left Persephone after a three day layover, all but Simon and River made use of the port's many attractions with their generous cuts from the last job pulled on Quint. They hadn’t been more than a day in the black and Mal knew something was going on. Just wasn't entirely sure what.

For one thing, the crew was entirely too happy. Usually the glow of a successful run and coin in their pockets wore off after a few hours in the black and old routines were firmly back in place. For another thing, they were giggling. Even Zoe. That alone was disconcerting enough. And Mal didn't like being disconcerted. The only one unaffected by whatever it was that was floating in the air was Jayne. He was as grumpy as ever and already chomping at the bit for the next job. At least some things didn't change.

Every time he stepped on the bridge, he found Wash struggling to look as innocent as possible with Kaylee, River and Zoe in fits of laughter. Odd thing was, he kept finding him poised in the oddest positions: Kneeling on the floor. Stretched out across the co-pilot console. The last time, he found him on all fours, throwing the girls what Mal was afraid to classify as a sultry stare.

He avoided the bridge for the rest of the day.

That evening, when even the Shepherd couldn't make eye contact with anyone at the table without laughing, he'd had enough.

"Alright, last I checked, this was still my boat," he said sharply, narrowing his eyes from the head of the table. "Anyone here disagree with me on that point?" Everyone but Jayne looked chastened, he was still eating with gusto. "I wanna know, and I wanna know right now what has you all actin' like a bunch school girls on holiday."

No one answered him. He scanned each face, settling on Inara who appeared the most composed. "Miz Serra?"

"Sorry Mal." She sat up straighter. "I don't believe I can bare any light on the subject."

For some reason, that sent the other girls into giggles. Zoe snorted and Mal shot her a sharp look. "Zo, Care to let me in on this little mystery?"

"Um," her brown eyes twinkled with mirth. "I don't think it's exactly a little mystery."

"No mystery at all, anymore," Simon groused.

"Tastes bitter because size does matter," River consoled, patting his hand.

Wash looked suddenly alarmed and turned to Zoe, "That's not true, is it lambie-toes?"

"It don't hurt none," Kaylee offered with a grin.

"I hope you're not speaking from direct experience," Simon's brow furrowed.

"Really Wash, in my experience as a companion size often has nothing to do with skill."

“Length has little to do with sexual stimulation in heterosexual copulation. Thickness is of more import." River recited, folding her hands neatly in front of her plate, cutting off all conversation. When all eyes were on her she smiled, "Better than average."

“Oh, well that’s reassuring,” Wash broke the silence sarcastically.


“Don’t you worry none, sweetcakes, you’re more than man enough for me.”

“Simple fact, Simple Simon.”

“How do you even know that?!”

“Perhaps in the basest of ways, size may matter. But truly, I’ve found that the most satisfying of experiences involve all five the senses.”

“I do believe our dear Captain is beginning to turn an interesting shade of purple…”

"Gorramit!" Jayne bellowed, "Can't a fella eat in peace? Y'all gotta be yammerin' on all the time?"

There was instant silence.

"That's better," he nodded, "'Nough to make a man drop everythin' and hop the nearest shuttle out of 'ere."


"Everything?" Kaylee asked innocently.

Jayne's brow furrowed and he glanced around he table, finding eight sets of eyes fixed on him, "Well, uh, everythin' 'cept my guns. Can't get far without..."

He trailed off when it became obvious that no one could hear him above the laughter. "What?" He glanced at the Captain, "What?"

Tears were slipping down Kaylee's full cheeks when she pulled out a rolled up magazine from one of her many pockets and dropped it in the center of the table. Jayne pulled it toward himself and unfurled it to the open page. The edges were worn and dog eared, and the paper had lost some of it's shine, but there was no mistaking what, or rather, who was featured in the centerfold.

A few less scars and a few years younger, but otherwise unchanged, was Jayne. Feet braced shoulder width apart and bare naked as the day he was born, except for a gun belt slung around his hips and a cigar clasped between his teeth, he stood at full attention. A familiar feral grin hung unashamed from his lips

The older version tilted his head and frowned before going back to his food. "The one where I got Vera strapped to m'chest was better."


Thursday, December 1, 2005 1:36 AM


Got a copy of that centrefold lyin' about?
No? Ah, well, just have to use my imagination then. So, I'll be in my bunk...

Great job Rinny ;P

Thursday, December 1, 2005 2:52 AM


River's explanation is so great, as is Jayne's reaction. Love to see both pcitures!

Thursday, December 1, 2005 9:23 AM


Yup, I loved Jayne's super cool reaction! Bless him, Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Thursday, December 1, 2005 11:07 AM


Oh, this was hilarious! I agree, River's stuff was the best part. Although Jayne was priceless too. Just a very entertaining little read.

I love it when you do little vignettes like this. More like this, please.

Friday, December 2, 2005 11:28 AM


The older version tilted his head and frowned before going back to his food. "The one where I got Vera strapped to m'chest was better."
i'll be the judge of that...*takes pics to bunk for "comparison"*


Friday, December 2, 2005 7:33 PM


How do I get a copy of THAT magazine?

Bellona! Fork it over! You gotta share!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 6:33 AM


I *need* that Magazine!

Sunday, March 12, 2006 12:58 PM


Teehee... I actually giggled! Not done that in a while!

Friday, July 7, 2006 11:35 AM


Just came across this and finally caught my breath enough to post. Incredible, hi-sterical and so our Jayne.

Love them big, bad men with their big, bad guns... <wicked grin>

Thursday, October 19, 2006 11:30 PM


But I wanted Mal's reaction ...!


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