Shopping Trip
Saturday, December 3, 2005

More Jayne and Simon togetherness.


A/N: Ya know, I really think Simon and Jayne would make a great buddy cop movie, like "Tango and Cash" or "Lethal Weapon." They just have to get over that "I hate you with a fiery passion" thing.

Suggestions on where to go with this? I have a basic idea, but the well is feeling a bit dry at the moment. *****

"Then send Jayne and Simon both, Kaylee. I don't really care." Mal was tired of arguing the point.

He'd finally agreed to this gorram "Thanksgiving" thing. Apparently, it was a holiday commemorating the leaving of Earth-that-was and finding a new planetary system. So far as Mal could tell, it was really an excuse for his crew to eat a lot and shirk their jobs. At least it was almost over - or would be, if the ruttin' Doc would stop complaining and just go to the damn store. But Kaylee, always protective of her Simon, wouldn't let the boy off the boat without someone watching his back. Zoe, Mal, and River were scheduled for a pick up later that afternoon. Inara was tending to some Guild business, and Kaylee was busily destroying the kitchen. That left Simon and Jayne for the shopping, and sending Jayne by himself would result in the merc stumbling back with no money, no food, and reeking of booze.

"May I remind you what happened the last time Jayne and I went somewhere, Captain?" Simon was reffering to what was now known as the "Teddy Bear Affair", a sordid tale which mainly involved Jayne running around without his pants.

"You ain't helpin' none, doctor."

"Do I ever?" Simon gave his captain a smug grin.

"Come to think of it, no." Mal pursed his lips. "Why do I pay you again?"

"Because I'm the only one willing to pull a bullet out of Jayne." He shrugged. "I took an oath." Simon considered the list in his hands and glanced at the coins on the table in front of him. "Butter, turkey, synthetic good enough?"

Kaylee thought a moment before answering. "If ya can't find real, yeah, but real is better. Makes it all flaky." She was up to her elbows in flour, supposedly making a pie, but mostly making a mess. Simon and Mal both quirked smiles when she finally got fed up with the too-sticky dough and began whacking it with a handy crescent wrench. It didn't really improve the pie, but it seemed to be making Kaylee feel better.

"Xin gan, I thnk it's already dead." Simon shut up as Kaylee narrowed her eyes at him and made a threatening motion with the wrench. "Uhhh....anything else to get?" Simon quickly grabbed his pencil and went back to his list.

"Ummm....some real wine'd be nice, if we can afford it. Engine fermenter don't work when we're docked."

"We can get some!" Jayne bounded into the room from the crew quarters, wearing his heavy coat. "I'll be in charge o' the wine!"

"We prefer that the wine makes it back to the boat, Jayne." Mal rolled his eyes and turned to his mechanic, who'd gone back to kneading the dough in the more traditional fashion. "Why can't you go shopping? You can take Jayne to help carry."

"I gotta stay an' watch the stove, Cap'n.", Kaylee answered, sounding like she was explaining things to a very slow child.

"Why? It goin' somewhere?"

"No. But if it heats up too much, then it starts smokin'. That's no big deal, 'cept too much smoke fires off the extinguishers, which puts a lotta CO2 in the air, an' the atmo scrubbers gotta hump it overtime to compensate, which takes extra power from the main reactor, but since we're docked, River turned down all the safeties to let the engine cool bit, so there ain't that much power to go 'round. So the engine'll fire itself up to generate some more, an' without them safeties the extra draw'll redline the whole gorram thing an' most like blow the ass end off the ship." Kaylee managed to make her entire explanation in one breath, although her face was a touch red by the end of it.

"Good gorram, girl. You mean the stove starts smokin' and the ship explodes?" Mal's eyes were wide. He obviously didn't like this "explode" concept. "Why the hell do I pay you again?"

"'Cause I'm the only one'll stand here an' explain it to ya. I took an oath." She winked at Simon, then pointed a dough-covered finger at him while giving Jayne a no-nonsense look. "Now you two get goin'."

Simon collected his coins, grabbed the list, and walked over to give Kaylee a peck before he left. "River would never turn down the safeties. What's the real reason you don't want to go?", he whispered.

"You ain't never gone shoppin' with Jayne. Last time he kept flirtin' with me, which was funny an' all, 'til we got to the cucumbers." She planted a kiss on him, leaving doughy streaks on his face. "Watch your backside, honey."


"Hey, Doc, in here." Jayne had spied the store he wanted. It was cheap. It was dirty. It was advertising ammo half off. The building was a rambling, two-story affair, with mostly food for sale on the bottom floor, and various sundries for sale upstairs. There was a staircase halfway down the side wall, leading up to the second floor. The upstairs didn't fully cover the downstairs, giving the whole room an open feeling.

Pulling his list from his pocket, Simon grabbed one of the shopping baskets and started filling it up. The store was quite crowded. Besides the usual assortment of freighter crews stocking up on supplies, there were many residents running around, pickng up last-minute items for their own dinners. Simon tried pushing his way through the crowd, but wasn't making much progress. He finally settled for staying right on Jayne's heels and letting the bigger man create a path while ignoring the snarky comments on his "womanly skills with that there basket." They had almost collected everything on their list when it happened.

Gunshots. Lots of them. Jayne immediately reacted, flinging himself and Simon to the floor, Simon's can of pie filling rolling away down the aisle. "Robbery? In a gorram grocery store? What fool kinda crooks they got here?" Jayne seemed less worried about the bullets than the image these goons were projecting. He peeked around a corner, and sure enough, there was a man holding a gun on some hapless shoppers while his friend cleared out the register. Jayne snorted. "Amateurs. Best we let things shake out a mite 'fore we go jumpin' in." Jayne motioned with his head to some type of closet behind them, which appeared to be propped open and was being loaded with food - or was, before the shooting started and the clerk abandoned his post. Without a word, Jayne and Simon ducked inside, Simon still clutching the basket of foodstuffs.

Neither of them noticed Jayne accidentally kick out the door stop as he entered, but both of them noticed when the door swung shut with them inside, plunging the room into darkness. Simon immediately turned around and tried to open it, but it seemed stuck. He kept rattling it until Jayne hissed a warning to be quiet.

Jayne's combat-honed senses could feel a hulking presense in front of them. Maybe one of the robbers was trying to come in the back door? "You ain't gettin' the drop on Jayne Cobb!", he yelled, before darting forward, fists raised. Simon couldn't see what was going on, but could hear the grunts of exertion and meaty thuds of Jayne wrestling with his adversary. Then there was a crash and a yelp, followed by the sound of something toppling. Then there was silence.

"Jayne? Are you alright?" Simon had never been a Boy Scout - he was too busy skipping grades in school to have time for extracurricular activities - but he had always found the motto of "Be Prepared" to be a wise one. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the pen light he usually used for checking concussions. Right now he was using it as a flashlight, although given Jayne's current state of unconsciousness, he supposed it would come in handy both ways. He played the beam along the walls until he found a lightswitch and flipped it on.

They had managed to trap themselves in a walk-in freezer. Jayne was laying in the middle of the floor, knocked out after his epic battle with....a side of beef. It had fallen off of it's hook and conked him on the head. He seemed unhurt, but might be out for a while, especially with the freezing temperature inside the room. Simon sat down on a crate to consider his options. He was locked in a freezer, Jayne was unconscious, and the crew didn't expect them back anytime soon. He settled for what had become his mantra the past few weeks:

"Oh, ruttin' hell."


Saturday, December 3, 2005 12:56 PM


I like where this is going. Keep it up.

Personally, I always felt that Wash and Simon would make a better comic duo. They'd be like a space age Abbot and Costello.

Saturday, December 3, 2005 1:36 PM


So Funny! By the way, I love the word snarky!! Walk in freezers have the push in handles, so people won't get stuck in them,(I work in a restaurant, been in the freezer alot), maybe, if and when Jayne comes to, he pulls it out instead, giving them no chance to exit out the door. There's hilarity in air shafts(Die Hard-which I always felt was kinda a buddy movie between Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman, even though they were enemies). Who knows, you're writing is great, what ever you do, can't wait to read it!:)

Saturday, December 3, 2005 3:18 PM


Oh dear!
THank you so much! I so needed a good laugh today. And there's entirely too much painful grievin' type stories goin' on around here.
This made me laugh out loud.
""Jayne had spied the store he wanted. It was cheap. It was dirty. It was advertising ammo half off. ""

Don't care where you take it from here, as long as you keep up the good work! (Uh, Simon might care. He's gonna start getting mighty cold soon.)

Saturday, December 3, 2005 4:40 PM


Yeah, I know walk-in freezers technically shouldn't be able to lock you in - I've been in a few myself. However, it's also entirely possible that Rim world grocery stores aren't OSHA compliant.

Don't worry, I bet Simon can get them out of this one. Top three percent, and all.

Saturday, December 3, 2005 4:52 PM


LMAO about OSHA, still giggling! Can't wait to read the rest!

Saturday, December 3, 2005 9:48 PM


Agree totally that all bets are off that these way-future and far off-core worlds' appliances give a rip about being safe. Doesn't seem to me that anything in the 'verse is safe even on core worlds.

Love Jayne in particular in this fic. Fave line is also the one about the qualities he looks for in a good store, lol.

Where to go from here? I'd be mighty interested in them finding a good way to keep warm that involved something...highly energetic and sweaty in a -just enough clothes off to get the job done- kinda way. But don't listen to me. You're doing swai without me!

Sunday, December 4, 2005 3:57 AM


"watch your backside, honey"
i would pay good money to see the look on simon's face if/when that ever happened...


Monday, January 9, 2006 3:56 PM


Ok, I love this, although I think a prologue on the "teddy-bear affair" is in order.

Friday, February 17, 2006 10:25 AM


HAHAHAHA - "You mean the stove starts smokin' and the ship explodes?"
and this:
"...when she finally got fed up with the too-sticky dough and began whacking it with a handy crescent wrench. It didn't really improve the pie, but it seemed to be making Kaylee feel better."
is EXACTLY how I feel around the holidays, usually after pie number 8 or 9...
;) love it!

Thursday, March 9, 2006 10:41 AM


""Teddy Bear Affair", a sordid tale which mainly involved Jayne running around without his pants."


Tuesday, October 3, 2006 11:30 AM


Until he got to the cucumbers....ROTFL!

And Jayne had an epic battle with a side of beef?! OMG! hysterical!


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