A/N: I have found that I truly enjoy getting Simon plastered and putting him into incredibly embarassing situations. I also have a weakness for Kaylee getting her man, so hey, it works out.

This one was inspired by me waking up this morning with a cold and a Nyquil induced hangover, so Simon's initial thoughts are pretty true-to-life. The remainder is, as always, that special Firefly brand of absurdity.

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Simon was pretty sure his head was going to explode - no, it had exploded, and he was feeling the jagged bits poking his brain. He was also sure that durig the night, someone - probably River - had snuck into his bunk and stuffed a whole handful of cotton balls into his mouth. Further, someone had obviously rewired the lights in his room with much brighter bulbs. He was still trying to build a righteous anger towards his assailants when his sluggish brain reported another interesting piece of information.

There was someone else in the room. Specifically, that someone was laying right on top of him.

Well, of course it had to be River. She probably had a nightmare and wanted to be close to her big brother. Simon smiled to himself, the thought of being his sister's refuge sparking manly and protective thoughts. He slowly brought up his left hand to rub her shoulder. Funny. He didn't recall River owning clothing that felt this smooth. He managed to crack one eyelid to check on where she might have gotten the clothes and if it was decent. The first thing he saw was brown hair. Not black.

Huh.

At this point, despite the haze, he started putting together several alarming facts. The person definitely wasn't his sister. She was wearing a fairly revealing nightie. And in the night, Simon's right hand had wandered down and had a firm grip on her backside. This was definitely unusual. Suddenly suspicious, Simon lifted the covers slightly and looked at himself.

Yep. Nothing. Not even pyjamas.

The movement of the blanket awoke his sleeping partner. "Mornin', sunshine," Kaylee told him, bringing one hand up to rub her eyes while the other hand reached for the nightstand. "Here. Take these." Kaylee grabbed a couple of pills and a glass of water from the table. She dropped the pills into his mouth and handed him the glass. He swallowed slowly, giving himself time to consider his situation. The pills were at least clearing his head.

"So, what's going on?" Simon was pretty sure there was not going to be an innocent explanation for this. He pushed the covers down to his waist, trying to free himself from the bed. He had to find some clothes.

"We were sleepin'. Put the covers back, s'cold in here." She shifted a bit to grab the blankets, making sure she was in as much contact as possible, and holding him down in the process. Simon tried to not think about how pleasant her wiggling was - he had to focus on the problem at hand. Speaking of hands, he decided he should probably relocate the one still glued to Kaylee's rear. He dropped it stiffly to his side.

"Any ideas how we ended up like this?"

"Your sis ain't so good at poker."

Oh, yes. The previous evening, Jayne had announced - with appropriate drunken fervor - that he was the best gambler in the Black. Mal and River had taken exception to this, which had resulted in a massive poker play off, with Kaylee being dragged in as a fourth. It had been quickly established that Mal and Jayne were too drunk to play, and in fact were too drunk to remain conscious. This left Kaylee and River to fight over the pot of chores. Simon - with his complete inability to bluff - was there to observe and keep the drinks flowing. Since the girls were engrossed in the game and weren't drinking, that pretty much kept the booze flowing only one way.

"So I passed out."

"Yeah, but not before bein' offered as the prize."

Apparently, the wagering on the final hand had become so intense that both girls were out of chores to bet, but neither was willing to call the other. River had finally hit on the idea of offering her brother as the tie-breaker: whichever girl won the pot would also win Simon's undivided attention for one whole day, and he would be agreeable to whatever they wanted to do. A winning smile from River and a sultry grin from Kaylee - along with a few too many shots of liquor - had convinced Simon to go along with the plan. Almost immediately thereafter, River folded her hand and announced that she was going to bed. Kaylee had given the younger Tam a wink, and dragged her prize back to his bunk. She had stripped him down, mainly just because he was unable to protest, but was somewhat peeved when Simon passed out on his bed before she got any further.

"So we didn't....do anything?" Simon's sense of propriety was still hanging around. Being molested while passed out was certainly not good manners.

"Nope. It's no fun when ya don't move."

"But now I'm your, shall we say, 'slave' for the day?" Simon's top-three-percent brain suddenly figured out where this was going.

"Seems like." More wiggling under the covers, and he was somewhat distressed to see Kaylee's arm sneak out and deposit her clothing in a heap on the floor. She sat up, blankets falling back. Simon's distress evaporated as all available mental facilities became devoted to his eyes.

Simon had seen lots of people naked in his capacity as a doctor. Men and women, young and old, he'd seen them all. Technically speaking, he'd even seen Kaylee naked before - when attempting to pull a bullet out of a nasty stomach wound, there wasn't always time for modesty. He'd seen the most genetically perfect and cosmetically enhanced women the inner Core had to offer. But at that moment, Simon would have sworn to any deity you chose that there was no more gorgeous creature in the 'verse than Kaylee Frye.

"So....this....is what you want to do....all day?" Simon was losing the ability to speak as Kaylee wiggled a bit more.

"Nah. We hit Greenleaf in an hour. You're gonna take me shopping, too." She leaned down and gave him a decidely-not-chaste kiss. "But in the meantime, Dr. Tam, you got some debts to pay."