That All Encompassing Sense Of Apathy

Spoilers- up to Objects in Space Disclaimer- None of the characters are mine, nor is the ship (although I’d really like one, it looks so shiny). Simon also quotes two parts of the Hippocratic oath, taken from my encyclopedia. Note- This is my first attempt at Firefly fanfic so please go easy on me. This has to be dedicated to Pocket Jericho, who so kindly introduced me to the world of Firefly. Hope you are feeling better. This was written in memory of a dear family friend who recently passed away.

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Simon had always thought that the expression ‘heart in your throat’ was overly dramatic, after all a person’s heart was situated firmly in their chest and could only be moved by a surgical procedure and who would want to put their heart in their throat? It had all seemed very illogical to him, even from a young age. Right now, however, it was becoming abundantly clear what the expression meant.

Simon stared at the grimy man near the doors of the cargo bay. He was obviously a miner, it was the main occupation on this planet. A fine layer of black dust covered his face and hands while his clothes were a sickly gray. A large, satisfied grin spread across the man’s face, revealing crooked and broken, yellowed teeth. Simon’s gaze traveled down the man’s arm to focus on his hand. The miner’s fingernails were black, a complete contrast to the pale skin they flexed against. Simon swallowed hard as the man’s hand clenched about River’s delicate neck.

Simon held his arm out towards the miner. “You don’t have to do this. She’s just a girl. She’s never hurt anyone.”

The miner reached into his pocket and pulled out a small gun. “Oh, I ain’t got anything against the girl personally. But there’s a real purdy price on her head, yours too come to think of it. The Alliance want you two real bad.” The man held the gun to River’s skull. “I’m guessing you love your little sis, so if you don’t want her pretty little head blowed off I suggest you follow me out of this boat while your friends here sit all nice and quiet like. Then they can go on their merry way in this hunk of junk and you two can make me a very rich man.”

Kaylee gasped from behind Simon. “Serenity is not junk!”

Mal placed a restraining hand on her shoulder. “Now ain’t the time, Kaylee.”

Shepard Book took a small step forward, his hands held out at his sides. “You don’t want to do this, son.”

The miner tightened his grip on River. “I think I do, Preacher. And I don’t think you want to take another step. I saw the notice on Osiris, the Alliance are willing to pay big bucks for this little girl and I ain’t letting no man, collar or no, come between me and that money.

Simon tried to swallow but his mouth was dry and his throat was constricted. He tried mentally praying to that god Book was so fond of. “River, don’t panic. It’s going to be okay.”

“I know, Simon.”

Simon stilled at her voice, as did the rest of the crew. She sounded calm, almost boarding on serene. He looked at River properly. “River?”

She smiled at him. “It’s alright, Simon. No power in the ‘verse can stop me.”

The miner smirked. “I don’t think so, qin ai de. I think I got you very much stopped.”

A loud ‘bang’ echoed in the ship. The miner’s eyes widened and his hand loosened around River’s neck. He stumbled back, his hand releasing the gun, a bright crimson stain spreading across his dirt encrusted shirt. He looked down at the bullet wound in his chest, and then back up at the crew of Serenity, shocked noises emerging from his throat. Then, as if he had only just realized the severity of his wound, he fell to the ground, his arms and legs moving weakly as his life force drained out of him.

River leaned over him, her dark, tangled hair forming a curtain that shielded her face. “No man came between you.”

The miner blinked slowly. “What?”

River nodded over to Zoë, who stood next to Wash, her gun still unholstered and held at the ready. “No man stopped you.”

River patted him on the head. “Sleep well.”

She turned and walked to Simon, who was shaking. She wrapped her arms around him, not even wincing as Simon squeezed her tightly, reassuring himself that she was alive and in one piece.

“Oh, xiao mei, I thought I was going to lose you. I thought that hwoon dahn was going to hurt you.” Simon pulled back. “He didn’t hurt you, did her?”

He winced as he examined her throat, the skin red and chafed from the miner’s rough treatment, turning her head from side to side. He placed as arm around her shoulders and started to usher River out of the cargo bay. “Come on, mei mei, I have something in the infirmary for your throat.”

He stopped next to Kaylee. “Come on, baobei, I could use your help.”

Kaylee nodded numbly, her eyes fixed on the wounded man on the floor and how Jayne, Zoë and Mal were huddled together near him, arguing. “Okay.”

Kaylee latched onto Simon’s free arm, stumbling as she looked back over her shoulder towards the rest of the crew.

Simon tugged her gently forward. “Come one, I don’t think you want to stick around for the questioning.”

The look in Mal’s eyes had chilled him to the bone. He and River were a part of the crew now, that had been proven several times; Mal was fiercely protective of all of them, even Jayne, and he really didn’t like people that endangered the lives of anyone of his crew members.

Simon shuddered, remembering the rage in Mal’s eyes when he refused to work on Kaylee. He didn’t want to be in the cargo bay right now either.

&&&&&

Simon stood at the bottom of the stairs, watching as Zoë, Jayne and Mal integrated the miner. He didn’t want to be here but somehow he couldn’t stay away.

Mal paced around the weak, prone man. “I’ll ask you one more time. Does anybody else on this planet know about the price on two members of my crew?”

The miner laughed than started to cough, bringing up a goodly amount of blood in the process. He gasped for breath. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Mal sighed and nodded at Jayne. Jayne grinned widely and pulled out a large, very sharp looking knife. He knelt down and waved the knife in front to the man’s eyes, eye wide with sudden terror, which followed the path of the knife.

“You really should just tell us what we want to know. Jayne really doesn’t like it when people don’t tell him the truth.” Mal continued to pace.

“You see this knife here?” Jayne asked the miner. “I call her Susan. Took her off a man that tried to kill me when I was sleepin’. She’s a good blade, hasn’t had barely a nick or chip for the whole time. Real sharp too.”

The miner’s breathing became laboured. “Xiong can wan ba dan de biao zi,” he spat.

Zoë tsked. “Such language, I think he has an attitude problem, sir.”

“You might be right there, Zoë.” Mal sighed and crouched down next to him. “Look, just answer the gorram question and we’ll get you some medical help. Our doc’s the best in the ‘verse for these kind of things.”

Simon felt a swell of pride run through him at Mal’s words.

The man’s eyes flickered between Mal’s face, Zoë’s stony expression and the malicious glee on Jayne’s face as he ran the blade of the knife along his tongue. He moved his hand away from the bullet wound and looked down at the ever-widening spread of blood across his shirtfront. He groaned weakly, his breath wheezing slightly and lowered his head back to the grill. “All right.”

“What was that?”

The man groaned and tried to lift himself up onto his elbows. He failed and slipped back down, his head clunking against the unforgiving metal. “No one else knows. I wanted the money for myself.”

Mal nodded to himself. “Uh huh. So where did you see the warrant?”

The man coughed again. “On Osiris, I was visiting my sister. Rutting, good for nothin’, stuck up, feng kuag, bitch. Didn’t even remember it until I saw ‘em walking through camp. I didn’t tell anyone. I wanted the money for myself, to get off this gorram rock.”

The anger that Simon had carefully been keeping in check suddenly rose within him. He clenched his hands into fists, tight, vibrating with emotion. “So you don’t even care, do you? You don’t care what they did to her, what they would do to her if you handed her in? They hurt her. They cut into her brain over and over again; they violated her. The altered a part of her mind and she can’t help but feel everything. They took something beautiful, intelligent and precious and warped her. But you don’t care about that do you? Not as long as you get your money and everything’s fine for you.”

Jayne felt a pang of guilt at Simon’s words. He shook them off.

The miner sneered. “You’re right. I don’t care. That’s your problem, not mine.”

Simon shook his head. “You’re not going to stop. I patch you up and you go running to the nearest feds.”

“Damn right I will!” The miner shouted, blood bubbling at his lips.

“You disgust me,” Simon told him.

“Yeah? Well you piss me off. With your pretty boy face and your wealthy clothes. You’ve never worked a hard day in your life. You don’t deserve it! What have you done for it?! I deserve the money! I deserve-“

For the second time a loud bang filled the cargo bay, this time the bullet going straight through the middle of his eyes. Mal reholstered his gun and looked at the other three gravely. They said nothing.

Mal stepped close to the body. “Jayne, get the other side.”

Jayne quickly stashed his knife away and knelt down to grab the shoulders. He grimaced at the close up of the blood and brain matter. He made a sound of disgust. “Gorram fugees. I didn’t even get me an ear,” he grumbled.

Zoë walked over the intercom. “Wash, we’re good to go.”

Wash’s voice broke into the silence that had descended on the rest of the ship. “Okay, people. We are taking off. Should be leaving atmo in five minutes.”

Mal and Jayne heaved the body of the rising platform and dashed back into the cargo bay, dodging to avoid getting trapped by the doors. Casting a glare at Simon Jayne stomped off to his bunk, continuing to grumble under his breath.

Mal smirked as he watched Jayne disappear. He dusted off his hands. “How’s your sister doing?”

Simon shoved his hands into his pocket. “I gave her a smoother.”

Mal gave him an enquiring look.

“She had an episode on the way to her room, this batch of medication seems to be wearing off faster than the others. Although the boost in her adrenaline levels could have had something to do with it, helping her system break down the medication expediently.” Simon explained. “Kaylee volunteered to stay with her for the moment. She should be fine.”

“All right. That’s good to hear.” Mal nodded at Simon and started up the stairs.

“Captain?”

Mal paused on the stairs and looked down at Simon.

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me,” Mal told him. “No body hurts a member of my crew.”

They smiled at each other for a second before they realized what they were doing and looked hastily away. Mal cleared his throat. Without another word he continued up the stairs and made his way to the bridge.

Simon sighed, his eyes falling on the spot where the man fell. He sighed again.

&&&&&

Simon sunk onto a couch opposite of his infirmary. He rested his head in his hands. He had finally gotten River to go to bed, at least for a little while. She was still so excited and happy from playing with Kaylee. It was like she had completely forgotten about the attempted kidnapping that had happened planet-side this morning.

Not that he wasn’t glad about that, he was, he would much prefer River shiny and happy rather than hurting and upset, babbling things that only she could make sense of. He supposed that after everything she had been through with the academy, an attempted kidnapping was nothing, even if the man had intended to take her back there, after all she had handled Early with a grace and intelligence that had shocked even him.

“I knew,” she had told him when he questioned her later. “I knew they wouldn’t let him take me, part of the crew now. Warts and all.”

He was amazed at how quickly River had settled on Serenity. She felt more at home here than any other place. At the Tam estate they were only allowed in certain rooms until they got older; many of the rooms in the house River hadn’t even seen let alone entered. Their mother insisted on things being kept clean, neat and tidy. It would do for the Tam estate to be untidy, to look like a real home.

Simon tried to laugh bitterly and was unsurprised to find he couldn’t. He couldn’t laugh, he couldn’t frown; he just plain couldn’t feel. It was like he was empty inside, cold and hollow. Logically he knew that he wasn’t hollow or cold, his heart was beating, his stomach and intestines working to digest his last meal and he was pretty sure that his temperature was normal but still the empty, cold and hollowness remained.

He wasn’t quite sure where it had come from. Maybe it had been building up for years; maybe it happened to everyone; maybe it was a part of his doctor’s training that had started to expand into other aspects of his life, he didn’t know. He did know what triggered it though.

“I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice.” Simon surprised himself by letting out a cynical snort.

Right! He couldn’t even keep his own sister safe from harm and injustice. How could he protect anyone else?

The cold hollowness grew heavy within him. He could feel it slowly consuming him.

“I will neither give a deadly drug to anyone if asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. In purity and holiness I will guard my life and my art.”

“That’s real pretty.”

Simon jerked at the sound of Kaylee’s voice. He looked up at her, attempting to smile. He failed, the corners of his mouth barely twitching upwards.

Kaylee sunk onto the couch next to him, her hand coming to rest on his arm. “What wrong?”

Simon shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

“No it ain’t, Simon. It ain’t nothing. I can tell it’s something.” She peered at him from under her eyelashes and smiled hesitantly. “You can tell, Simon. I won’t laugh or make fun or nothin’.”

“It’s just…” Simon sighed ad ran a hand through his hair.

“What?” Kaylee asked.

“That man today.”

“Oh,” Kaylee looked down.

“I took an oath, you know. When I became a doctor. We all took the Hippocratic oath. That’s what I was quoting.”

“Yeah?”

“I swore to help people, to heal the sick, no matter what.”

“Simon-“

He interrupted her. “I didn’t do that today. I watched him lie there on the floor and bleed, in pain. And I didn’t do a thing to help. I walked out, turned my back on him, knowing full well what they could do to him.”

“It was your sister, Simon. You had to look after River first. We all understand that. ‘Sides you would be beating yourself up about leaving River alone when she had her episode, while you were treating that man.” Kaylee gave him a knowing smile.

Simon felt the weight lift in his chest slightly. “That’s not it, Kaylee. You don’t understand. I don’t feel anything about his death. I watched as the bullet went through his brain-“

Kaylee flinched.

“-and I didn’t feel anything. Ai ya, I provoked him into saying the words that signed his death sentence, but still there’s nothing. Complete apathy.”

He stood and started to pace. “I was happy that River was safe. I was glad that he couldn’t hurt us anymore. But about his actual death? Nothing, not even disgust or guilt.”

Kaylee leaned forward. “So you’re feeling guilty because you didn’t feel guilty?”

“But I don’t. I don’t feel guilty; I don’t feel anything at all right now. It’s like there’s a lump in my chest. Empty and hollow.”

“Simon, I…” Kaylee trailed off, unsure of what to say.

Simon sat back down on the couch. Kaylee wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close to her.

“It’s always been there, in someway. You need a certain amount of apathy as a doctor, or you’ll drive yourself crazy. You need it out here too, it helps with some of the situations we’ve come up against.” Simon leaned into her. “I’m afraid, Kaylee,” he confessed quietly.

Kaylee breathed deeply and ran her fingers through his hair. “Of what?”

“That it won’t go away. That’ll spread; become all encompassing. That I won’t be able to feel anything, ever again.”

“Simon, it won’t. I promise.”

“How?” Simon asked her. “How can you know?”

“Because we all go though it, Simon. We all get that feeling of apathy sometimes and it feels like it won’t go away, but it will, I promise.”

Simon gazed up at Kaylee, watching the way her wide eyes sparkled and her white teeth nibbled on her full lower lip. He reached up and wound a hand through her thick, glorious mane of hair. He pulled her closer to him, the distance between their lip closing quickly.

“Simon!”

Simon jumped at the sudden yell, nearly falling off the couch. He detangled his hand from Kaylee’s hair and turned to River. “River? What’s wrong? What are you doing up? I thought you were asleep.”

“Snuck past you. Quick, come quick!” River grabbed his hand and dragged him through the ship. Kaylee trailed worriedly after them. River stooped outside the door to the dining area. She put her finger to her lips. “Shh!”

River peered into the room and then ducked back. She crouched down, indicating for the others to do the same. She spoke low and gravely. “There’s a problem. The Alliance have cut us off from our food supplies.”

“What?” Simon hissed as Kaylee gasped. “River, we have to get out of here. Warn the captain.” The coldness and emptiness started to fade under the waves of panic and adrenaline. “How did they get on the ship?”

Kaylee chewed on a nail. “They musta snuck on when we were planet-side. The code lock I put on the hatch is still working fine.”

River rolled her eyes at them. “They used dinosaurs.”

Simon tugged on River’s arm. “River, we have to- Huh?”

“Look.”

Simon peered around the corner, stifling his laugh as he saw Wash’s dinosaurs lined up on the dining table in front of cans of food. “Dinosaurs.”

“I told you.”

“Wash’s dinosaurs,” he told Kaylee. “It’s a game we used to play.” He turned back to River.

River knocked on his chest with her knuckles and leaned in to rest her ear against that same spot. “Lub dub, lub dub, lub dub, lub dub. Not hollow, not empty.” River pulled back and cupped Simon’s face and smiled warmly at him. “Just Simon, just human.”

She suddenly turned serious. “We have to do something.” River told them. She grabbed Simon’s arm. “We’re going in. Cover us,” she told Kaylee.

Kaylee snapped off a salute. “Right. You can depend on me.”

River crawled into the room, keeping low and ducking her head. She looked around and then turned back and gestured to Simon to follow her. Simon flashed a grin at Kaylee before joining River in her game.

Apathy completely forgotten.

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Translations:

qin ai de- dear, darling xiao mei- baby sister (blood) hwoon dahn- son of a bitch mei mei- little sister baobei- precious item wan ba dan de biao zi- ruthless whores of sons of bitches feng kuag- crazy, insane Ai ya- damn