"So, possibly, it was a bad idea, kissing her the day after mentioning how much you miss Zoe," Simon sighed. "I'll never understand women, especially the Fryes."

"Ain't that hard to understand," Jayne said. "No woman wants to be a replacement for the one came before her."

Wash stared at Jayne. "That's the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say. River's really a good influence on you."

"If only we could say the same for him," Simon grumbled. "River's been saying things in Mandarin that I would expect to hear out of the mouth of a sailor."

Jayne grinned. "That girl's got a foul mouth on her," he said affectionately. "An' you should see the elf costume she -"

"I saw it in the shop," Wash interrupted. "If she tries to wear that in front of Hannah..."

"What?" Jayne smirked. "You'll bore her to death? No wonder that sexy little mama ain't jumpin' into yer bed."

Wash and Simon glared at Jayne, their expressions nearly identical.

"Must all your reactions to people be so... base?" Simon asked, shaking his head. "There is more to a woman than her appearance, you realize. Kate is a kind woman, a great mother, an excellent cook -"

"Ain't denyin' that, doc. Still, reckon she'd be a hellcat in the sack, Wash. You lemme know you ever find out."

~*~

"So?" Kaylee beamed. "That's great news!"

"Yesterday he was telling me how this was gonna be his first Christmas without his wife, Kaylee." Kate sighed.

"While he was almost naked, locked in a tiny li'l changin' room with ya." Kaylee grinned. "He was comfortable bein' that close to ya with nothin' on but his drawers. Sounds like a good sign to me."

"What if the reason he was comfortable was because he has no real feelings for me, no real attraction?" Kate frowned deeply. "He's been alone a while, Kaylee, and men have drives..."

"So do we," Kaylee pointed out. "Don'tcha wanna tear that ugly Hawaiian shirt off him and have wild monkey sex?"

Kate raised her eyebrow. "I don't think I've ever had wild monkey sex. But, okay, point taken."

"You ain't on the market to use him as a substitute for Michael, right?" Kaylee pointed out. "Maybe he kissed on ya because he wanted to kiss on ya."

"No one could be a substitute for Michael," Kate said softly.

"No one could be a substitute for Zoe, neither," Kaylee told her, giving her cousin a hug. "Can't replace someone you loved who's gone, but you can fill the hole in your heart if you wanna."

~*~

"Women," Wash sighed, "are insane."

"This is news?" Mal asked.

"I never put myself out like that, never. I always wait. I'm a waiter."

Mal sighed, knowing he was going to regret asking. "What are we talkin' about?"

"Kate," Wash grumbled. "Women are insane."

Mal groaned. "What did you do? If you cost me my cook, so help me -"

"I kissed her."

"You - why'd you go an' do a dumb thing like that?"

"I thought she wanted me to. Jayne and Simon -"

"You're takin' romantical advice from them two? Simon's just lucky he was able to get his foot out of his gorram mouth long enough to ask li'l Kaylee to get hitched, an' as for Jayne, this is the first time in all the time I've known him he ain't had to pay for it," he reminded him. "'Neither o' those bozos has a mind for the ladies."

"And you do?" Wash snorted.

"Nope," Mal replied. "Women are insane."

"See?" Wash said, shaking his head. "This is why I let them do the difficult part for me. Relationships are just... awkward. And painful."

"That's why you're a waiter," Mal repeated. "Duly noted. Quit your whinin' an' go fly my boat, dong ma?"

~*~

"You're just gonna have to talk to her," Kaylee shrugged. "But first ya gotta find her, an' I ain't helpin' ya."

Wash stared at Kaylee like she'd grown a second head. "She's hiding? What are we, three?" He threw his hands up in the air. "I'm not playing games."

"She ain't hidin'," Kaylee rolled her eyes. "Well, she might be, but she ain't playin; she don't wanna see you right now. She's hurt - an' real mad."

Wash had the decency to look sheepish. "I don't want her to be Zoe. I don't even know what I want!"

"Don't tell me," Kaylee shrugged.

"This ain't flyin'," Mal grumbled as he walked by. "Don't I pay you for workin'?"

"Do you?" Wash snarked. "And here I thought it was my charm and good looks. I'm not in the mood, Mal."

"Neither am I, Wash," Mal growled. "You. Bridge. Now. Get us the gorram hell away from this rock. We got a meet to make at the Eavesdown docks in five days. Whatever personal issues you're havin' with my cook are gonna have to wait. Kaylee, get down to the engine room. I want full burn."

~*~

"You look surprisingly cheerful," Inara commented. "To hear tell, you ought to be in your quarters with half a chocolate cake and a box of tissues."

Kate grunted, unable to get her chef's knife through the turnip she was trying to halve. "You cry when you're sad, not when you're angry."

"You're angry with Wash?" Inara asked, with a friendly smile.

"I'm sure you've heard," Kate muttered. "Oh, gosh, my wife's dead and I'm lonely. Hey, you're here, you have the right parts and you gotta be at least as lonely as me, how about a smooch?"

Inara frowned. "I'm sure Wash didn't mean anything like that. What did he say?"

"Nothing," Kate sighed. "He was talking about how this was going to be his first Christmas without Zoe. I can sympathize, because I went through those same feelings last year. Then the next day, he's bandaging up Hannah's knee - which, as far as I can tell, didn't even need bandaging, but he's a pushover - and he stands up and kisses me! What does he think I am?"

"His friend?" Inara suggested. "An attractive woman? The mother of the child who calls him Daddy? Take your pick."

"He's not ready," Kate shook her head. "I know he's not; I wasn't."

"Shouldn't that be up to him? Wash loves his wife, but he knows - better than most of us - that life is short. What's the point if we spend the little time we have letting ourselves be miserable?" Inara smiled. "I think you should talk to him."

"Everyone thinks I should talk to him. No, actually," she paused. "Jayne thinks I should surprise him with a naked lap dance. But everyone else has come in here and told me to talk to him. Except him." She whacked the turnip against the counter, implanting the knife in the countertop and sending the halves flying. "Damn it! I didn't ask for this, you know?"

"We rarely get what we ask for," Inara pointed out. "We get what we're given. We play the hands we're dealt. You've been given a beautiful child, and a kind, caring man who loves her as his own."

"I really do," Wash said, leaning against the doorframe. "I wouldn't say no to Jayne's suggestion, but I think you and me should have a talk, like the rest of them said."

"Excuse me," Inara said politely. "I'll be in my shuttle avoiding the captain."

"So," Kate said, retrieving the lost turnip halves and rinsing them off. "Talk. I'm listening."

"I'm sorry," Wash said. "For yesterday. I'm not usually impulsive, and... well, I guess I remember why, now. At least you didn't slap me."

Kate snorted, though he couldn't tell if she was amused, or still very angry.

"I don't ever want you to think I'm using you to replace Zoe," he said softly. "It's nothing against you, but -"

"Nobody can. I know. I've been there, and Kaylee already gave me this same speech." Kate shrugged. "I was just hoping we could be friends. You're so good with Hannah, and anyone with eyes could tell you how much she adores you. I won't be filler. If anything ever happens between us, and I'm not saying it will, it would have to be because of you and me, not Michael or Zoe."

"But you're not averse to the idea?" Wash grinned. "Face it. I've won you over with my boyish charm. It's only a matter of time..."

"This turnip?" She smirked. "Your head. Aren't you supposed to be working?"

"That's what they tell me," he sighed dramatically. "We're okay?"

"We're okay," she said. "I hope you didn't make your first move on Zoe like that; from what I've heard she'd have broken you in half."

"Just about," he winced. "That's why there was such a long gap between the first move and the second; I had to eat through a straw for three weeks. And, she made me shave my moustache. You've never seen it, but it was very debonaire."

"I've heard tell of the fuzzy caterpillar," Kate laughed. "Get up to the bridge before I put you to work or the captain finds you."

~*~

Mal was sitting in Wash's chair, his feet crossed and propped up on the console. "Mighty comfortable seat you got here," he said as he heard Wash approach. "Reckon if I had a chair this nice I'd spend some time in it."

"Serenity flies herself when we're out in the black like this," Wash sighed. "You know that as well as I do."

"That may be so, but I gave you a direct order. Several, if memory serves. You think showin' a disregard for my authority is gonna impress Mrs. Frye or her little one?" Mal stood. "Have a seat."

Wash did as he was told. "What's this really about, Mal?" he asked.

"This is about you," Mal told him. "Zoe's been gone a fair bit, an' I don't know if you've noticed, but you're more or less second in command around here." Wash nodded, and he continued. "Me an' Zoe had this great little leadership thing goin' where I would be a leader - see where I'm goin' with this? - and she would follow."

"So you want me to be more like Zoe," Wash said.

"Now, that ain't what I'm -"

"That's exactly what you're saying, Mal." Wash shook his head. "You and I have both got to learn that there is never going to be anyone quite like Zoe. I can't be Zoe for you any more than Kate could be Zoe for me, okay? So why don't you tell me, what's the real issue that's got your panties in a bunch?"

~*~

"Damn him," Kate swore, cutting some carrots into large chunks. "He won't even let me stay mad."

The Mandarin: dong ma? - understand? (oh come on, I don't know why I bother, you folks know this one.)