NOTE: If you have some catching up to do, you can find all previous chapters in one place at http://www.serenityverse.com/losingside1.php

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Mal's cell beeped open and he turned his head to inspect his visitor, eyes widening slightly as he registered the poised woman being ushered in. Zoe. She was looking good, he noticed with some gratification, recalling the exhausted figure covered in dirt, sweat, and dried blood from his last memories. The woman standing before him now radiated confidence and energy.

Oh dear God. Zoe concealed her shock at the sight of Mal's battered figure lying limply on the bunk, barely acknowledging her presence. "Mal?" she asked, dumbfounded at the hopelesness of his eyes and the empty expression on his face. She stared at him, wondering what on earth had transformed her irrepressible Sergeant. The memory of Mal being blown off his feet by the concussion of mortar fire, then staggering back to cover at her side with blood running down his forehead and a cheeky grin on his face clashed horribly with the sight of the man lying in front of her. She couldn't believe, didn't want to believe that he could have been hurt badly enough that this would be the result.

"Hey, Zoe. What occasions the the visit?" His voice was hollow, but gentle.

Zoe walked to the bunk and sat down next to Mal. He looked at her, but didn't move. "I hear you've been busy trying to get yourself dead," said Zoe. "Suicide watch, sir? Really?"

Mal smiled joylessly. "I never - I didn't....I never tried to kill myself, Zoe. Can't say as I see the point in bein' alive though." Zoe took a deep breath. "That man, Lee. He tells me you saved the lives the lives of a lot of men a while back, that's gotta be worth something."

"He also tell you they broke damn near every bone in my body for trying? Or that they killed my mother and everyone I've ever called family? Why they've got me trapped in this god-forsaken box?"

The bitter tightness in Mal's voice frightened Zoe, and the worst thing was she didn't have a clue as to how to help him. She'd always left the comforting and inspiring to Mal; her areas of expertise focused more on killing people than keeping their spirits alive.

"Yes. He did." She looked at her Sergeant, trying to find the right words. "Mal, I don't know what the hell to do. This ain't my thing. I've seen you go to a man whose world is falling in around him, and with one look know just what to say to keep him on the line." Zoe reached for Mal's hand and he gripped hers tightly.

"I'm gonna lose you too, Zoe," Mal said, a slight waver in his voice. "You're gonna die and I'll have nobody to look to."

Zoe raised her eyebrows and stared humorlesly at Mal. "I'm thinking I might have to take back that bit about your all-knowing ability to to inspire, sir," she said dryly.

"I didn't mean it that way, Zoe. It's just that - you can love and hope and fight, but come to find out, I lose everyone I ever cared about." His fingers were biting into the flesh of her hand. "It doesn't mean a damn thing in this world. Nothing I say, nothing I do. None of it means a damn thing."

"Think it means everything, sir," said Zoe uncertainly. "Maybe if the only thing you can do is care, and try....." her voice trailed off as she lost track of what she was trying to say. Mal was looking up at her silently, and after a minute she continued. "Maybe all you can do is just go on, find what happiness you can. Just 'cause it may be snatched away the next minute doesn't mean you can't have it."

She reached out almost timidly and stroked her fingers across his forehead, finding herself trying to smooth out the lines that furrowed it so deeply. Seeing Mal take a deep breath, she placed her hand on his back as gently as she could, hoping she wasn't hurting him.

After the weeks of isolation and pain, the sheer relief of the gentle touch of a trusted friend triggered a rush of emotion and Mal closed his eyes, resisting the tears that surprisingly threatened to overwhelm him. Since his arrival in this place he'd been pushed, shoved, punched, and beaten, not to mention handcuffed and otherwise restrained more times than he wanted to remember. Not once had someone he trusted laid a hand on him in simple kindness. Zoe's touch was more welcome than he could ever say, yet it brought all the hurt of the last few weeks welling up inside him.

"Because........ When it does get snatched away, I have to go through this again." Mal's voice cracked as he said, "I'd as soon feel nothing as this." He paused, his body shaking as he fought back a sob.

Zoe's stomach sank; she'd been trying to offer comfort and instead, she'd brought the most stoic man she knew to tears. Yep, she definately didn't have Mal's skill at this sort of thing. She supposed this would probably be the sort of time Mal would be yelling something inflammatory in someone's face, but she couldn't see adding one ounce of hurt to his burden.

She reached out and wrapped her hand softly around one of Mal's wrists, covering the ugly red lines of barely healed wounds where handcuffs had cut cruelly into his flesh. Feeling him flinch, she started to let go, but closed her hand again as Mal shook his head as if to tell her to leave it there.

Zoe recalled the day she had managed to piss off one of her interrogators; actually she had pissed off most of them, but this one had allowed a nasty temper to get the better of him and handcuffed her harshly. Taking hold of the chain between her wrists, he'd repeatedly jerked her off her feet and dragged her back up again. That had barely left a mark, but the pain of metal grinding nerves against bone had brought involuntary tears to her eyes. She didn't even want to imagine what had caused those wounds, or what it had felt like. "Did that hurt as bad as I think it did?" she asked. "Yeah." Mal was silent for a long moment, waiting to speak until he was sure he could control his own voice. "I.......still have nightmares, you know. I been beat up plenty, thought I could handle pretty much anything. Not that. I couldn't." He looked searchingly at Zoe, his face revealing dissapointment in his own fear and confusion. "I think that's the whole point of torture, Mal. Nobody can endure it, and you were forced to." "You have a point." The sadness in Mal's voce broke Zoe's heart as much as the scars on his body. His voice was still heavy as he laid his head down on the bunk and said "It's not just what they did.. I can't stop thinking about the war, about Shadow. Seems like everyone else's moved on."

"You're gonna feel no matter how hard you try not to," Zoe replied. "Imagine the trying not to is why you're so miserable now. That's the difference between you and me. I shut off, go someplace where I don't feel, don't have to think too hard about things. You, you think on things and you care and you take responsibility for them - for people. Makes you human. You can't turn that off, an' I love you for it." She gave him a fond smile. "Matter of fact, we all loved you for it."

"You referrin' now to all the people I led to their deaths?"

"They had to have someone to lead them, sir, and we were damn fortunate it was you. I just want to know where that Sergeant I knew went."

Mal replied, "He ain't around. Just me tryin' to make my own way." Zoe reached out silently and brushed away the tear that trickled down his cheek. "It was easier when I had the men to worry on, you know? Here, I got nobody but myself.....no reason for me any longer."

Comprehension filled Zoe's mind as the pieces fit together and at last she realized how to help her Sergeant. She took a deep breath, knowing she had to trust him as she had never trusted anyone in her adult life. "Mal?" He twisted his head around to face her.

Zoe looked into Mal's deeply hurting blue eyes, and willed herself not to fight the tears that flooded her own. "I can't handle this, Mal. I've - I've lost everything too. I can't lose you, I just can't."

Concern filled Mal's heart as he saw Zoe, tough, unbreakable Zoe, with tears streaming down her face. She sobbed quietly and spoke again. "Every time I can't handle something, every time I think I can't go on, I think about you. I think about your playful little grin and your courage and your heart, and I tell myself that if you can handle it I can too."

Mal pulled himself upright and wrapped his arms protectively around the uncharactistically vulnerable Zoe as she buried her face in his chest. "You're the only thing I got, Mal." He rested his chin gently on the top of her head.

"We're gonna get out of here, Zoe," he told her quietly. "We're gonna get out of here and put together a life, okay?" She nodded, shaking from the release of pent-up emotion and fear. Mal pulled her firmly against him, his grip confident and strong. "We made it through the war, we'll make it through what comes next."

Zoe took a deep breath and relaxed in Mal's arms with her eyes closed. She became aware of the sound of his heart beating steadily against her ear. "Oh, God," she thought miserably. "he has such a noble soul, how could you let him suffer so much?" She started sobbing, her own heart torn by the simple fact that Mal's kind heart somehow had room to comfort her despite all his pain. His grip on her tightened, and he ran his hand gently up to grip her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Zoe," he whispered.

"Don't you apologize," she replied more fiercely than she intended. "Don't say you're sorry, after all..."

"I'll never do this to you again," said Mal, rocking her slightly, filled with regret at having caused her to hurt on his account. "I promise, okay? Don't cry, Zo. We're gonna be all right." Mal realized suddenly that he meant it. The cell around him was in focus, clear of the blur of sorrow that had been chasing him, and for the first time in months, he could see a future. He drew a deep breath, tears of a very different sort coming to his eyes as he regarded the brave soldier in his arms who'd saved his life so many times, knowing she'd just done it again. "You're gonna stick with me?"

"I'll follow you to the end of the universe, Mal, you just gotta be there to lead me."

"You might want to reconsider that last, you know. Last time you followed me somewhere, I led you straight into an enemy prison camp." Mal felt her smile.

"Well, I'm sure the ass-end of the galaxy'll be fun too," she replied.

Mal chuckled quietly, wondering what he'd ever done to earn such devotion and savoring the warm feeling in his heart. Between all the evil bastards, there were some damn good people in the universe, and one of the best happened to be right there in his arms in the middle of hell vowing to go through it at his side.

Zoe wasn't crying any more. She tilted her head up to look in Mal's face, not stirring from his comforting grip. "You're...gonna be okay?" she asked. Mal nodded, looking into her eyes inches from his. "You playing me, Zoe?" he asked. His tone wasn't accusing, he was simply asking the question.

She swallowed hard as she held his gaze. "I damn sure wasn't acting, Mal."

He smiled in understanding and kissed her lightly on the forehead. After a long, quiet moment, she asked "You promise you'll be there with me?"

"Now since when have I ever left a man behind?" he teased.

"I'm not a man," she retorted, the affection in her voice belying any irritation the words might have indicated.

Zoe felt him smile. "Well, you know. Whatever. Point is, whatever happens I'll be there. Unless I'm dead."

"Good enough," she replied.