Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just like to make fun of them.

* * * * *

"I see Spiders, I see Ants, I see Simon's underpants!"

"River!" Simon quickly covered himself up with a small towel from the peeping eyes of his giggling sister. He was just changing into his night clothes when she suddenly appeared in his room.

"River, shouldn't you be asleep by now?"

"Wasn't tired, wanted to play!" She then hopped onto his bed.

"Mei-mei, I'm really tired, I just want to go to sleep."

"Okay! Let's go to sleep". River then started pulling up his bed covers over herself.

"River, you have your own room to sleep in."

"I'm lonely. Let's sleep together like we used to."

"We haven't done that since we were kids."

"Have a lot of catching up to do then!"

Sighing, Simon sat down on the edge of his bed. "It's not appropriate."

"Why?"

Simon didn't feel like repeating his explanation to her why brothers and sisters couldn't get married. It was only a few months ago but that was a conversation he didn't want to repeat ever again. He didn't look forward to the future when he might have his own kids that he had to give the *talk* to.

"Let's play!" With a suprising quickness she lept from the covers and tackled him. Since he was in the middle of changing when his sister, (sigh) *jumped* him, Simon realized with horror that only a thin cotten night gown was standing between him and his sister.

"Remember when we used to wrestle when we were younger? But you always won because you were so much bigger than me. But I'm bigger now too!"

Simon gently but firmly grabbed his struggling sister's arms and pushed her off of him. Then mustering as much dignity as he could he quickly grabbed his dropped towel.

"River, you're a big girl now. So you should go to your own room, in your own bed and go to sleep by yourself."

"Boring!" She then started pouting. Simon sighed, she could be such a brat sometimes. Suddenly her eye caught something shiny on his desk. She spied some of his medical equiptment and immediately grabbed it.

"Let's play *doctor*!" For some reason Simon didn't think she was referring to the time when they were kids and they did play doctor. Back then he just took her temperature and listened to her heartbeat with a stethescope. This was going to be a long night.

* * * * When Inara answered the knock at her shuttle door she was suprised to see Simon. It wasn't as if she wasn't friendly with the young man, in fact she was rather fond of him and his sister. But he never really had a reason to visit her privately. She wondered what this could be about.

"Um, Inara, I need to talk to you."

"Of course, Simon. I was just preparing some tea. Would you like some?"

"Yes, thank you very much."

"It's no bother. It's a rarity for me to have an opportunity to converse someone with manners and culture."

"Thank you." Simon seemed to hesitate. Inara could see something was troubling him. She just smiled and gave him an inviting look for him to continue when he was ready.

"It's about my sister, it's about River. I've noticed that she's going through some umm... changes."

Inara wasn't suprised. She already started picking up on the subtle hints that River was growing up. Normally most girls would go through a normal adolescence when their hormones go wild at puberty. Sadly the Academy took that away from her.

"Actually I think it's wonderful. It means that she's just becoming a normal girl again. She's thinking about things every young girl goes through. As her brother you may not be comfortable with it, but it's a regular experience of a young girl as she matures into womanhood."

"I realize that. What I was wondering was if you could.. ahem.. guide her through this awakward phase."

Inara was a little suprised "Excuse me, but are you asking me to.."

"I know you take on female clients. I think River just needs to get through this.. situation. I just reasoned with your experience you would be the best person to guide her through this."

"I see." Inara paused deciding how to put this delicately.

"Actually I do have a lot of experience in this situation. Several well to do families actually have a similiar dilemna. They have young teenage girls just bursting with hormones and curiosity. But they wish for them to retain their purity until they're setup with suitable suitors."

Simon beamed. "This is great! Then you can help River..."

"I'm sorry, but you really can't afford me."

"WHAT?!"

"Even with my cheapest rates, I just don't see how you can come up with the necessary capital."

"You're going to charge me?!"

"Simon, it's nothing personal. It's just business. I can't make exceptions in my trade. The guild union would have me severely disciplined if anyone found out that I wasn't charging for my services."

"I don't believe this!"

"And it's not really about the money. When I joined this crew, I told the Captain that I would never service him, or his crew. It's just not professional. Please understand."

Simon let out a sigh. He knew he was asking a lot, even as a friend. No matter the intention, on such a small ship as Serenity, such intricate complications would inevitably lead to future tensions in relationships.

"No, I understand. Please excuse me for putting you in such a awkward position."

Simon politely got up and left. Inara felt slightly guilty but she couldn't compromise herself. But Simon helped to rescue his sister from a top secret installation. Surely he could handle a sexually charged teenage girl on his own.

* * * * *

Mal stormed down the infirmiry.

"Doctor, do we need to have a talk about controlling your sister?!"

"Oh no, what has she done?" Mal's anger subsided a little when he saw the genuine concern on Simon's face.

"Is it me, or is she getting a little more friskier lately?"

Simon looked at the Captain's state and how upset he was. He dreaded thinking about what might have happened.

"Oh that, well, River's going through some changes..."

* * * * *

A giggling River was hopping down the stairs in search of the captain. On her way she spied Jayne lifting weights. Grunting and sweating he was lifting the heavy weights over and over again. Jayne noticed her small shadow falling over him so he set the bar back on the rack.

"Get out of my light, girl!" The very presence of the crazy girl was enough to set him on edge. And that damn girl just kept smiling at him as if whatever he said made no impact on her.

"Ooh! Muscles!"

Jayne wasn't sure but there was something definately different about the girl. The way her eyes hungrily looked him over, the way she was sliding her hands over her body as she was staring at him. Gorramn it, she was checking him out! And why not? Jayne Cobb knew what a fine speciman of man he was. Any young girl couldn't help but admire his amazing physique. That's not to say he wasn't a bit warry. The girl was still moon-brain crazy. But he had to admit she was a cute little thing. Not all of her was there, but as he said before not all of her had to be. Normally he didn't go for the younger ones. He preferred them a little more filled out and voluptuous like. But it's been a long time since the last time he was sexed up and forced abstinence being on the run on the ship made him mighty hungry. Jayne Cobb wasn't one to force himself on a woman where he wasn't wanted but from the way the girl was giving him the googley eyes, that was invitation enough for him. Licking his lips he gave her one of his patented leery grins and thought about the many possibilities this could bring. To his delight, she returned a mischiveous smile. Maybe this wee little slip of a girl could be mighty amiable after all.

"Oh my gosh! River get away from him!" Simon ran out of the infirmiry and dragged his protesting sister away. After locking his sister away he returned. Jayne knew the prude was going to go off on some long triade defending his sister's honor. He always knew Simon was a real spoilsport.

"Jayne, please stay away from River. She's just really confused right now with her hormones racing and with the way you're always out here pumping iron with your bulging muscles..."

Jayne was getting pretty tired of the prissy doc's attitude.

"What's a matter, doc, jealous?"

"What?"

"Y'know, I always knew you were sly." Simon stifled a choke.

"No, wait, you don't understand..."

"Are you saying I'm dumb or something?! Just 'cause I aint's gots your schooling?"

"That's not what I meant.."

"Well don't you worry. Pretty little thing like you won't get ignored. There's plenty of Jayne to go around." Jayne gave another huge leersome smile and flexed his muscles. Simon just got flustered and stormed off muttering some curse under his breath. Hehehe, playing with the doc was oh so hil-arious. But Jayne had more pressing matters, he had a sweet little thing to entertain. And the fact that it bothered the doc just made it all the more sweeter.

* * * * *

Jayne had to hand it to the doc. He made sure that he was constantly in between him and the girl. Jayne started wondering if the doc might really be sly. Doc was sure pretty enough to be. Not that Jayne really noticed things like that or anything. But he couldn't hide her from him forever. Not when he knew that she wanted him so badly. He couldn't mistake those glances of unbridled passion she sent him. Sooner or later he was going to get a piece of tasty. Whistling to himself he started going to his bunk. But standing in front of his door was shepherd Book.

"Jayne, I was hoping we could have a talk."

"Shepherd, I respect you and all but this here really is none of your concern."

"Please son, I know you don't want to take advantage of a confused young girl. I really don't think you should be encouraging her."

"Trust me shepherd. That girl's mighty curious about some things. And the only cure for what's ailing her is a Jayne Cobb special." Smiling he patted his groin area. "I don't force myself on no unwilling girls. My momma taught me better than that. But if a girl's practically begging me for some action, well it's my duty to scratch her itch. So you can save your special hell speech, 'cause I'm planning on taking that lucky girl to heaven. So if you'll excuse me I got some private business I got to take care of in my bunk. Don't worry, it's just going to be me in there. For now."

Book just shook his head and started walking back to his own room. "I'll still be praying for you, son." Jayne went to his bunk and unzipped his pants. He was still excited thinking about the possibilities the future held.

* * * * *

"Wake up, sleepy-head." Jayne tossed in his sleep. Someone was in his room. He yawned and tried to clear his head. Before him stood River in a sexy silk slip. Well this was a pleasant suprise. He knew she couldn't stay away from him for long. He just had too much animal magnetism. For a moment he wondered how she got in his bunk, he usually locked it at night. Oh well, she was looking mighty fine. She was holding a candle in her hand. The glow from the candle highlighted the fine features of her face, making her youthful baby appearance seem more older and experienced. She walked slowly towards him and tilted the candle over his naked chest. Jayne winced as hot candle wax dripped and burned his flesh. Oh, she was into S&M. That was fine by him. This night was getting better and better. But then he noticed in her other hand she was holding his huge sharp hunting knife.

"What in blazes you doing with that, girl?!"

"Come into my web said the spider to the fly." Taking an agonizingly long time she knicked his chest with the knife where the candle wax burned him. Suddenly this was getting a little too kinky even for him. He then had a horrible flashback when she sliced his chest open before with a butcher knife. Goramn it, this girl was out of her ruttin mind! What was he thinking?! He struggled to get out of bed and with horror realized he couldn't. At that point he finally noticed the thick ropes that were tying him down by his arms and legs. He was trapped!

"Listen girl, this isn't funny. Now let me go, now!" Jayne roared at her but she didn't even seem like she was listening.

"We're going to have so much fun, Janie!" River giggled when she noticed the huge array of loaded guns at his bunk. She started fingering Vera. Jayne felt as if he really was in hell. He let out a blood curdling scream for help.

* * * * *

"Sorry, Cap'n. But the locks completely scrambled. Unless someone from the other side unlocks the door or we get some cutting tools, he's trapped in there." Kaylee winced at another series of screams for help Jayne let out.

"How long will it take to just break the door down?"

"Well, Jayne being a bit paranoid, reinforced it some. Even with the best torch I got, it'll take a few hours, if I'm lucky. Jayne's really the best one at these heavy welding jobs."

"Captain, is there really an emergency?", Book asked. He and Kaylee were the only ones to respond to Jayne's crys for assistance. Zoe and Wash didn't even bother to come out of their room. Inara stayed in her shuttle and Simon was in the infirmiry preparing for the worst.

"I say we just leave them be. Hopefully she'll unlock the door in the morning. I don't think River would really hurt him." Book was interupted by another scream from Jayne.

"I suppose you're right. The big galoot might actually be enjoying himself for all we know. I think we should all just turn in and reassess our options in the morning."

The captain returned to his station at the cockpit without another word. Book gave a little satisfied smile and said something about reaping what you sow before retiring himself. Kaylee gave a worried glance towards Jayne's door but then shrugged and left too. But Jayne's cries continued intermixed with River's harsh commands.

"Scream! Scream like a man, not like a little girl!"

Jayne started screaming more masculinely after that.

"What's my name?! What's my name?!"

Jayne started pleading that *River* let him go instead of just referring to her as the Gorramn girl to release him.

"Say it! I want you to say it like you mean it, bitch!"

"Jayne's a girl's name!" Jayne almost sounded like he was crying at that point. * * * * * In the infirmiry Simon just sighed and shook his head whenever Jayne let out another scream almost feeling sorry for him. He was examining his own wounds River inflicted on him when she grabbed his scalpel that night she was in his room. He knew she didn't really mean any harm. Hopefully she'll get all her aggressiveness out of her system tonight. Well, he did try to warn Jayne.

End.