TITLE: "SO CLOSE TO HEAVEN" AUTHOR: Alison M. DOBELL FANDOM: "FIREFLY" PAIRING: RIVER/MAL. RATING: NC-17. STATUS: New. ARCHIVE: Yes. Just let me know where. FEEDBACK: Welcomed. EMAIL: AlisonMDobell@aol.com WEBSITE: http://carlajane.50megs.com/Ali00.html

SUMMARY: "Mal knows he should do something but it is harder than expected and River is not exactly helping." The usual disclaimers apply. The characters and 'Firefly' are the property and gift of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No infringement of copyright is intended.

"SO CLOSE TO HEAVEN"

A "Firefly" story

Written by Alison M. DOBELL

* * * * *

It was too gorram weird. Must be dreaming. That was it. This was not happening. The hands sliding over his warm flesh were not doing things to him that he had no mind to stop no matter how rutting wrong it was. He groaned at the sweetness that filled him as those gifted hands worked a magic on him that was all kinds of wrong and all kinds of wonderful. Her lips found a nipple, soft wet tongue lapping at it until the peak was hard and straining in her mouth as he began to wake. Teeth teased but gently. His eyes flicked open as her hands became more demanding, more intimate, and he found his control slipping. Dangerous. This was not supposed to be. No gorram dream was ever this real. He focused on the angelic face tipping and smiling up at him. His voice soft and husky with rising lust. Girl, what was she doing to him?

"River, no, we can't be doin' this..."

Her smile became wider. So gentle, so knowing. She kissed his nipple and raised her head, the slow rythym of her hands riding the silky sheath that bound him as the blood pumped loud and hungry through parched veins bringing him hard and throbbing in her eager hands before he could marshall enough wits to stop the automatic response. "Need you, want you." She sang. Her smile became a slow grin. Not evil but teasing. Did flippy floppy things to his heart that would drive him through all kinds of Hell before the flames got him. Fear lapped at his consciousness. Heat coiled in his groin. He could feel the heavy pump of blood thundering in his shaft and making him so gorram rock hard that he was on the point of exploding. No. No. NO. This was not happening. Another grin from the Devil's Little Helper. "Got you!" She affirmed with child-like sweetness wrapped in womanly wiles. Her head dipping but eyes never leaving his shocked blues as she licked the slowly leaking head.

Groaning he tried to push her off but he was so close and she knew. Gorrammit she KNEW. He was so afraid of violating her. Of despoiling a child with his wicked manly lusts it never occurred to him that the shoe was actually on the other foot. River? Seducing him? Crawling into his bunk in the dead of night? How crazy was that? Her lips on his cock, her hands caressing him where little girls should fear to tread? It was all kinds of wrong. Like incest almost but not quite. Afraid? He was terrified. Mama never raised him to be no rapist. Nor no gorram perverted son of a bitch but oh *tianna* she felt so good, her touch like warm silk, her lips playing out a passion in his loins he was loathe to break free of yet his head was arguing, demanding he do the right thing and get her out of there. Send her packing back to her paranoid over-protective brother.

He gasped as her teeth caught under his cap, nipping gently, her tongue swirling back and forth across his slit with a languid precision that was driving him insane. Sucking at the precum and watching his face contort as he tried to hold back his response. Knowing she had him and he was powerless to send her away. Every muscle in his body straining to her touch. His blood pounding to her rythym.

"Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you." She whispered. A whole wealth of understanding and affection in that assurance. Affection? River? She was a child. "Not so young." She murmured as her mouth bobbed up and down, tongue licking, wet warm walls of her mouth massaging while her hands stroked and caressed his balls with such a sure touch he found his breath catching. How the rutting Hell had she become so accomplished?

"River, I'm so close..." He panted. Voice hoarse. Pleaded. Begged. Stop. Stop. 'Cause I can't even if I wanted to. And God help me I don't want to. "Don't..."

"Too late. Got you, Mal. Gonna keep you."

"Huh, I don't think..."

That was when she moved a hand under him, slid a slim slender finger slick with his precum deep inside him as she went down on him. Stars shattered in his heavens. The gorram black of space became the crucible between Heaven and Hell and his mind soared and broke into a million bright fragments as he came exploding and full of feeling in her mouth. She worked him as he came, not letting up for a moment, even as the come ran down from her greedy mouth she sucked, licked and played him to the hilt. She did not just want him, she wanted it all. Joyed in his orgasm and made sure she shared the pleasure.

Afterwards he lay stunned, the crazy girl draped over him. Possessive as a second skin. Her warmth comforting him in a way that should not happen. She crawled up his body, kissing, licking, caressing him to calm him down. Not wanting to hurt or alarm him. To frighten him off. She gazed down into his shocked eyes and gave a soft smile then played her lips so gently against his, her tongue seeking entry as he tried to apologise. To somehow put this right. To distance them both from the brink of oblivion. She saw his fear and understood but he was wrong. He did not understand.

"River..."

"Ssssh, love you."

His heart jolted. "You can't.."

"Can so." A kiss. A lick. Not trying to excite him, just needing to love him. To be loved in return.

"River you don't know what you're sayin', doin', the kind of man I am..."

"Do so." She nibbled along his jawline, her tongue flicking out to draw a wet trail over his skin. Washing off the sweat and savouring everything about him. Her arms hugged him to her. So precious. She felt safe with him. Trusted him. Knew it would be hard for him at first but she would make it right. "You love me."

His voice was rough. "You're crazy girl."

"Your kind of crazy."

He stared at her. She took his fear and kissed it into oblivion. He could feel the walls of one of the Shepherd's Special Hells opening up just for him but River was there. Suddenly strong, fierce, a woman grown and knowing and not to be crossed. Protecting him. As he looked deep into her eyes it was as if he saw it all. She blew that Hell apart. The blast of her passion rocking them both with the gift of revelation. Her eyes holding his and telling him as firmly as words spoken that this was no accident. No error of judgement. No little girl straying while her mind was off someplace else. She knew what she was doing. "Chose you."

"How?"

She placed a small hand over his heart and he felt something deep touch and move him. His fear disolving in her passion filled eyes. Her lips laced with warm loving making something that was broken in him whole again. Her hands promising a Heaven he had never dreamt would be his. He felt unclean, unworthy. She shook her head and kissed his tears. "Don't be afraid." She whispered.

And suddenly the fear was a thing of the past. She was no longer 17 but even 18 seemed but a drop in the ocean of time. He was near old enough to be her father. Yet in that moment of clarity he saw her truly. A brilliant mind, a gentle, caring, gifted woman who had been denied so much for so long. She had needs. Just like he did. And quite simply she had sat down and made a logical decision. "You chose me?" His words were full of wonder. Disbelief. A hand raising gently to brush back her hair. To see the fey young creature that had found a way into his heart and now claimed it for her own.

A smile. Another gentle kiss. Eyes tender with love. Simplicity shone from her radiant truth engracing him. "Yes. You worry about what the others will think. Don't. I'll talk to Simon."

Fear rushed back. A fear founded on irrational guilt. What had he done? Made no difference that she was the one who had seduced him. He should have known better. His weakness no excuse. The sin was his. She put a hand over his mouth to still his agony of protests. Absolving him of blame. "Hush. You're mine now."

Despite everything he smiled at her possessiveness. "You think so?"

She nodded. "Know so. Now. Does a woman have to do all the work on this boat?"

He raised his eyebrows in query then felt her rub herself against him, her hips grinding down on him making him squirm and groan. "River, I..."

"Need you. Want you. Now."

He paused. It was a little late to put the genie back in the bottle and he had to admit. He wanted this. "You sure, *xin gan*?" He asked softly, his hands cradling her face.

His words made her smile. Her smile caught his heart and held it in thrall. Definitely lost now. She nodded, took one of his hand and slid it down between them so he could feel just how ready she was. Eyes glued to his. No more secrets. No more lies. He sighed and kissed her. Capitulation had never tasted so sweet nor Hell so close to Heaven.

* * * * *

Simon Tam had never been in such a snit before. Temper so intense steam was all but coming out of his ears. He paced angrily while River calmly watched him. Her face serene They were in his room. Everyone else would be stirring for breakfast. He turned sharply and stared at her. So mad he could hardly get the words passed his gritted teeth. "I'll kill that *hundan* Captain! I'll..."

"You'll do no such thing, Simon." Said River calmly. She stepped closer to him and stopped a foot away, her eyes looking deep into his. He could not remember the last time she had looked this sane. It was almost chilling considering what had happened. He grabbed her arms and stared into her eyes, trying to make her see just how wrong this was. "He had no right to touch you!"

"You don't understand. I was broken."

Simon felt his heart crack. "I know *mei mei*" He said gently, beginning to draw her into his embrace. He was surprised when she resisted him enough to give him pause.

"Mal makes me whole, Simon."

Anger flared on his face, he spat his words out like ammunition in a nail gun. "He's using you, River, and I won't let him do that!"

She shook her head and reached out to touch him. To calm him if she could. "No. I needed him. Still do."

"You're mistaken. He's cast a spell over you. I won't let him take advantage of you, River. You have to listen to me."

"No, Simon. This time you must listen." She cradled the side of his face with one hand and he stared transfixed. So many emotions twisted up inside him. His gut in torment. His heart crying out for vengeance. "I chose him, Simon. Went to him while he lay sleeping." She saw the shock register in his eyes and smiled gently at him, knowing her words were like nails in his coffin but she wanted him to understand. "I want him."

"You're just a child." He cried softly.

"No, I'm eighteen." She paused to let that sink in. "I waited Simon, and it was so hard. To watch him. See him every day. To know what we could be yet have to remain silent. Even though I knew I wanted to be sure. Timing was everything and I didn't want to lose him. I saw the pieces slot together when I looked in his eyes. No one else could see it. He was focused on his ship. His crew. Mistook his feelings for me but I knew what lay beneath. It tormented me to not be able to reach out and touch. To claim him as my own."

He looked shocked at her admission. "What are you saying?"

"I love him."

"You can't love him. You know what he is?"

"Yes. He is the other half of my soul."

Simon stared, eyes filling with unshed tears. The crack in his heart growing wider. He had always thought he was the other half of her soul. They were so close. How could she let that twisted up war weary *wangba dan* come between them? "He won't, Simon. Not unless your jealousy rules your common sense."

He was crying openly now. Tears of rage and sadness, sorrow and loss running down his face. She did not wipe them dry. He needed to hear this. Even if it broke his heart she would not let him shut out the truth. "I am a woman now, Simon. 18. An adult."

"No, you're a child. When you're 21..."

"When I'm 21 you will still treat me as a child." She said softly not wanting her words to hurt him. "Still try to protect me from a life beyond the cradle."

"No, no I won't."

"Yes, Simon, you will. Can't you see? You're doing it now. Wrapping yourself in denial so you won't have to see the truth."

"I love you, River."

"I know. That's why you have to let me go. Let me be free to love where my heart chooses."

"I don't want to lose you."

"Then listen to me."

He thought about all she had said. Really he did. But the pain was a great numbing agent to his powers of reason and all he could think of was how young and innocent his sister was and how bitter and twisted the Captain was. Of course that was not entirely true. The Captain was a good man but he would never be good enough for his sister. There were dark places in that man's soul that could swallow you whole and leave nothing behind but a lake of sorrow. He did not want that for River. On some level he knew he was making things black and white. That he was reaching for objections as a way of making his opposition sound reasonable. 18. River was 18. Not a child any longer. Her birthday had been Saturday. Two days ago. Was that all it was? He stared at her, eyes growing wider with realisation. She had chosen Malcolm Reynolds. This was no random act of lust but a well planned campaign to get what she wanted. "You waited?"

River smiled. "Yes. It was so very hard."

"Until you were 18?"

She nodded. "I wanted everyone to know it was my choice."

"But you discussed it with the Captain first?"

She shook her head. "No. He never knew. Never guessed until I woke him."

The enormity of what she had done hit him like an oncoming locomotive. "*Tianna* River, you can't just go crawling into a man's bed in the dead of night and make love to him! He could have raped you! Anything could have happened."

"Mal would never hurt me." "You don't know that." He tried to reason. Win back a little of the ground he had lost. "The war changed him, embittered him. All the gentle places you need to thrive are barren stone. I'm not even sure if he knows *how* to love."

"You're wrong. I've seen his oasis. Drunk at the wellspring and Simon it is glorious! All the things I sensed I have now touched. All the walls he hides behind are nothing to me. He cannot keep me out. His thoughts play hopscotch in my head when he lays sleeping. His heart is an open book that weeps my name. I was broken Simon."

Stunned he wondered who this erudite, passionate young lady was and what she had done with his sister. He listened in a daze.

"I was broken." She repeated softly. "So was Mal. Together we can heal each other. Together we can be whole."

"River..." He broke off, feeling lost. Out of his depth. What could he say to her? She had already chosen and she had not chosen him.

"Simon, I will always love you but I need this. Need him. Don't clip my wings, Simon. I need to fly. To soar. To leave the chrysalis before it becomes my tomb."

He crumpled. Legs no longer able to hold him. The fight gone out of him like the air in a punctured balloon. She sat next to him on the bed and held his hand. Slowly she wiped the tears from his face. His own hands were shaking. "What happens now?"

"I want to be with him but I want your blessing."

His head jerked up. Eyes searched hers. "How can you even ask?"

"Because you're my brother Simon and I love you."

He swallowed hard and did not say whether or not he would give it. It was all too soon. She was the most precious thing he possessed. How could he simply give her away? "Then I suppose you'll be leaving?"

She shook her head. "Serenity is our home. Yours too."

"I'm not sure the Captain will want me around."

"You're wrong Simon, he cares about you. Cares about us all."

He gave a great sigh. Feeling suddenly drained. "Who else knows?"

"Just you."

"You know I'm not the only one who's going to have trouble accepting this, River?"

She nodded sadly. "I know. They put us all in boxes. Mustn't mix the contents. But I have a right to choose Simon. Same as you."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"What do you mean?"

"Kaylee likes you." He began to stutter. "I... I know, I like her too but what has that got to do with...?" His voice trailed off. "You're trying to change the subject." He accused.

"No, just trying to show you that you have choices to make as well."

"You think I want to be with Kaylee?"

"Do you?"

He thought about that. "I don't know. I like her, like her a lot, but I hadn't thought about a... a relationship. I'm not sure what I want."

"Then how can you choose for me?"

They stared at each other for a moment. They had come to the crux of the matter. He could taste the ashes of his own defeat. See the imprint of it in her eyes. "I can't believe you love the Captain."

River giggled slightly then smiled and got up, tugging his hands to bring him to his feet as well. "Come on or breakfast will be cold."

"Not sure I'm hungry."

"Coward."

He frowned and began to protest. "I'm not a coward..."

"Are too. You can't stay in here and avoid the Captain."

He flushed. "That's not what I'm doing, River."

"Then come to breakfast."

He gave her a long look. "You know you're still a brat."

She stuck her tongue out then grinned disarmingly at him. "At least I'm a happy brat."

That made him smile. He could never stay mad at River for long. But the Captain? He saw the answer in her radiant eyes. Could not remember the last time he had seen her so happy. If the Captain could do that for her maybe she was right after all. And maybe, being in the top Three Per Cent and all, he should realise it was time to accept it. When River made her mind up about something nothing in the 'verse could change it. A tiny smile hovered on his lips.

Everyone was either coming in or going out of the commons. The kitchen table was an assorted clutter of bowls, dishes and pieces of half eaten fruit. The Captain sat at the head of the table, his bowl untouched, his look distant. Zoe kept frowning at him but whenever she went to speak to him Wash diverted her attention. It was beginning to annoy her. Kaylee skipped in and paused to kiss the Captain's cheek in passing. He hardly stirred. His distraction made her falter just as River and Simon came into the room. "You okay, Cap'n?"

He nodded but said nothing. Zoe's frown deepened. The Preacher entered the commons and took in the odd atmosphere. River was smiling so brightly it was almost painful to the eyes. The Captain did not come out of his self induced trance until River dragged Simon to his end of the table and sat next to him. She smiled gently and touched his hand. As if coming back from a very far and distant place he turned his head and looked at her. A slow beautiful smile bowing his lips while his eyes twinkled gently like newborn stars. All heads now turned to them. River leaned forward and kissed the Captain on the lips. Simon's mouth dropped open. At that moment Jayne and Inara walked in. Jayne grinned and opened his mouth to make a crude comment but Kaylee glared a warning at him. Inara looked poleaxed and Zoe could not blame her. Rutting hell. The Captain and River? Rutting RUTTING hell!

Jayne grabbed a bowl of protein mush and a spoon and sat next to Kaylee. "Somethin' you wanna tell us, Cap?"

The Captain began to pull out of the kiss but River snaked her arms around his neck and pulled him in tight while she deepened the kiss. Her tongue sliding between his lips, a look of bliss and concentration on her face. Shepherd Book cleared his throat. No one took any notice. Jayne was openly laughing now, enjoying the unusual spectacle and the stunned reactions around the table. Inara turned around and walked out without a word. Kaylee toyed with going after her then abandoned the idea. She wanted to hear what kind of explanation her Captain came up with. It was obvious River was enjoying herself. Her brother, not so much. The Captain? Well, he looked as if someone had thrown a spell over him.

"Maybe we should just throw some water over them?" Guffawed Jayne.

"I'd rather throw water over you." Quipped Wash.

"Oh yeah?" Growled Jayne. "You and whose army little man?"

Just then the lovers drew apart. River drew a hand gently across the Captain's cheek and smiled so sweetly at him that everyone held their breath waiting for the coming explosion. It never came. Instead Mal smiled back at her, gave her a little chaste kiss then turned to look at the sea of expectent faces staring back at him. If anything his smile just got wider. He particularly enjoyed the look on Simon's face. Before he could say anything River spoke, her words addressing them all. "I'm 18."

Everyone blinked at the announcement. Jayne pushed his finished bowl away from him and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, unable to surpress a leer. "That mean you're gonna kiss all of us? I don't mind ya stickin' your tongue down my throat."

The Captain's face darkened with rage. At that precise moment both he and Simon jumped to their feet. Zoe turned and glared at Jayne. He frowned and looked confused.

"What? What did I say?"

Simon shook his head. "Is there any way you could be more offensive?"

River put a hand on the Captain's arm, stood on tiptoe and whispered something in his ear. He was still seething but some of the anger abated. Slowly he sat back down but now his eyes were boring holes in Jayne. "I think you should apologise to River, Jayne."

"Ain't done nothin' wrong, Mal. How's it my fault if ya want to rut like rabbits at the breakfast table?"

Before anyone could move or say anything the Captain was out of his seat and had dragged Jayne up out of his chair. His face pressed up against Jayne's he told him in graphic detail exactly what he was going to do with him if he didn't mind his manners and make a pretty sharp apology. His eyes widened in fear, Jayne realised he had gone way too far. No way in *diyu* did he want to get on Mal's bad side. He nodded quickly, swallowed and made placating noises. The Captain backed off enough to give Jayne room to speak but little else. "I'm sorry River, no offence meant."

She nodded and Mal shook him once then let him go as if he was dropping some garbage in a gutter. The Shepherd was watching keenly. "Captain, I believe we would all appreciate some kind of explanation."

He blinked, took a deep breath then looked at River. She beamed at him and gave him a nod. He felt as if his throat was closing up but as he caught her eye he saw the unconditional love pouring out and felt his heart lift and flood with light and happiness. How the gorram did she do that to him? A smile broke out on his face and he turned to look at them, meeting each and every eye evenly. "Guess you may have noticed that things have changed a little. River an' I have discovered we have feelin's for each other. Deep an' unexpected on my part but no less real. I know it's gonna come as a shock to some of you, have to confess I was a mite surprised my own self."

Zoe blinked. "How long has this been going on, sir?"

His smile became a grin. He felt like laughing but it seemed somehow inappropriate. How could he tell them the girl just lit him up inside out? She was the fourth of July and every good thing that had ever happened to him all in one. "12 hours give or take a minute."

If they had been shocked before they were almost stunned out of their senses at his reply. The Captain walked calmly back to his seat. Smiled at River then looked at Simon as he re-took his seat. The doctor was watching him closely. "Simon, I never planned for this to happen..."

"River told me."

He blinked. Had not expected that. "Oh. How you feelin' about that?"

"I wasn't best pleased, Captain. You'd hardly be my choice of brother-in-law."

There was a choking sound. Mal turned his head in time to see Wash slapping Zoe on the back where her food had gone down the wrong way. He turned back to Simon. "We'd be mite happy to have your blessin'."

"I'm sure you would but don't you think this is a little fast? Shouldn't you be getting to know each other first? You know, like *normal* people."

River frowned at Simon, her look telling him to 'play nice'. He regretted annoying her but was damned if he would take back the words. The Captain did not look offended. If anything he looked amused. "I'm prepared to take this as slow as necessary but my little lady is not as patient as I am."

River took the Captain's hand and kissed his palm. He smiled at her then turned a serious face to Simon. Politely waiting to see what he had to say. Simon was choked. God, they were acting like a pair of love sick teenagers. He wanted to be sick but the look on River's face stopped him. Made his heart lurch. She was happy. Gorrammit. This son of a bitch made her happy! What had she said? Mal could heal her. Make her whole. He swallowed slowly as if his throat was full of broken glass.

"Take it slowly, mei mei?" He all but pleaded. "You've waited this long."

She nodded. It was her peace offering. The siblings coming to an unspoken truce. "Not gonna change my mind, Simon." She said softly. Just to let him know where the line had been drawn.

"I know." Said Simon simply.

Mal grinned suddenly and drew his uneaten bowl towards him, suddenly discovering he had one hell of an appetite. "Be good to have a doctor in the family."

As the Captain dived into his breakfast and conversations began to break out around him, the Shepherd's frown deepened. He and the Captain were going to have to have a really long talk.

* * * * *

CHINESE GLOSSARY: (Mandarin - Pinyin)

*hundan* = asshole/bastard *mei mei* = little sister *wangba dan* = bastard (lit. turtle egg) *tianna* = oh God! *diyu* = hell