Thief In The Night
Saturday, February 4, 2006

Jayne discovers his surefire way to impress a lady has some drawbacks.


My wife dared to write something containing the line "Jane, you ignorant slut!", as Dan Aykroyd from "SNL" said way back when. So here we go.

I know Jayne knows who Saffrn/Bridget/Yolanda is, but I also figure drunk Jayne doesn't look too hard at their faces, if ya know what I mean.


Jayne woke slowly, feeling a bit groggier than usual, which was odd. True, he had been drinking cheap whiskey the night before - was there any other kind? - but usually he was at least functional the next morning. But even worse than that, he couldn't remember his escapades with that lovely young lady he'd picked up in the bar and "escorted" back to Serenity. Damn. She'd been a looker, too.

Jayne rolled over and fluffed up his pillow. It took him a few seconds to notice that the blanket usually covering his weapon collection was in bed with him instead of hanging on the wall. In fact now that he looked closer, there seemed to be a lack of shiny on the gun racks...


"Gorramit!" Jayne's scream echoed through the ship as he tore his door open without even bothering to dress. "She stole 'em all! Betsy, Ellie, Susan! All my ladies!" His yelling degenerated into incoherent rage as he considered his loss.

"Jumpin' Buddha on a pogo stick, Jayne. Wanna pipe that down so the rest of us can get some sleep?" Mal climbed halfway out of his bunk; just enough so his head was visible through the hatch. He glowered at Jayne across the hallway. "What the hell are you on about? An' for the love of all that's holy, go put on some pants!"

Jayne's eyes were wide and his face was turning a fairly deep shade of red. "Hell with the pants! That chen wa robbed me, Mal! All my best girls is missin'!"

"Robbed?" That word got Mal's attention, and realization dawned. Good Lord, not this again. "Gorramit, Jayne. Did you bring a whore back to my ship? Again?"


"An' now you're missin' all your valuables? Again?"

"Yeah! All my good guns. Even Vera!"

Mal closed his eyes in resignation. He knew where this was going to lead. "So she robbed you blind, just like last time." Mal suddenly looked suspicious. "Jayne? When you got to the ship? Did you take her through the cargo bay and show off our latest haul, too?"

"'Course. Makes 'em all wet if ya look rich an' whatnot. Why? You think she got the goods an' my guns both?" Jayne had taken to showing all his whores the current contents of the cargo bay and his rather fine collection of weapons as soon as he brought them aboard. He deemed it one of his better ideas, even if he did steal it from Simon. Taking the cue on how mooney Kaylee got over the fancible doctor, Jayne had found that showing off a little coin and the prospect of earning more went a long way towards impressing whatever female he could lure back to the boat. This was the fifth time it had paid off. This was also the third time he woke up with no woman and no valuables. It only now occurred to him that these events might be linked.

Mal had arrived at the same conclusion. "Jayne, you ignorant slut! She gave you the good night kiss!"

"But I didn't kiss her on the mouth!"

"Well, then how did - you know what? I don't wanna finish that thought." Mal wiped a hand over his face, looking for inspiration before settling on his usual course of action. "Zoe!"

Moments later, Zoe's head popped out of her bunk. "Sir?" She took in Jayne's appearance. "Seems we have a problem, huh?"

"We've been robbed. Gear up an' check the cargo. An' wake up your husband an' get him trackin' any other ships in the area." Zoe raised a mildly amused eyebrow and disappeared back into her room to get Wash.

"Robbed again, Cap'n?" Kaylee's head appeared at the ladder to her room as well. Damn hallway was startin' to look like a prairie dog farm what with all the crew poppin' in. "An' why ain't Jayne wearin' clothes? We havin' a party?"

"Never you mind 'bout the clothes, Kaylee. You get back to the engine and make sure it's all kosher, then wake up the Doc an' tell him check out the infirmary for missin' supplies." Kaylee nodded and climbed the rest of the way out of her bunk, heading for the rear of the ship.

With no weapons left, Jayne was unable to join in the hunt for the missing items. He hated trusting the safety of his prized possessions to Zoe and Wash, but had to admit they'd probably be found in short order. So he just grumbled a bit and finally heaved a huge sigh. "Damn women, can't trust 'em. She was a fine lookin' one, too. Had a pretty name and right nice eyes. Not that I was lookin' at 'em much." Jayne chuckled lewdly and gave Mal a wink.

Mal just shook his head, somehow amused at his merc's antics despite the thievin'. "She did, huh? Care to tell me what name was so gorram pretty you risked my cargo?"

"Yolanda. Has a nice ring, don'tcha think?"


Saturday, February 4, 2006 10:16 AM


HaHa! What a dope!! Mal's going to kill Jayne and YoSafBridge, just waiting to see which one first!

Saturday, February 4, 2006 10:39 AM


LMAO! Damn, great minds clearly think alike, as just the other day I had the idea to use that line in a fic.

I'm still snickering here, this was brilliant.

Saturday, February 4, 2006 11:02 AM


HIlarious;) I love it!!
I love the crew's reaction to Jayne'e lack of pants...just perfect;)

please bring us more!

Saturday, February 4, 2006 12:09 PM



Just completely brilliant.

Loved the whole thing. Everyone was in character and their reactions to Jayne's pantslessness was spot on and priceless.


Saturday, February 4, 2006 2:13 PM


This was just plain fun. I wasn't expecting the thief to be Yolande but it made it mighty funny. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Saturday, February 4, 2006 4:30 PM



I had a plot bouncing around in my head where Jayne shacks up with YoSaffBridge too. Has a much different ending, however. But I'm glad to see Jayne get his come-uppance... *giggles*

Saturday, February 4, 2006 11:33 PM


"But I didn't kiss her on the mouth!"
"Well, then how did - you know what? I don't wanna finish that thought."

*giggle, snort*
I'm definitely with Mal on that one. Laugh-out-loud hi-larity.

Sunday, February 5, 2006 4:41 PM


"Kaylee's head appeared at the ladder to her room as well. Damn hallway was startin' to look like a prairie dog farm what with all the crew poppin' in. "An' why ain't Jayne wearin' clothes? We havin' a party?" "

You DO have a way with words, ManicGiraffe! Laughed all the way through. Poor poor Jayne!

Monday, February 13, 2006 7:46 AM


jayne, you stupid slut!!! imma hafta slap you sensible, boy!!! don't care HOW long it takes!!!


ps. "Jumpin' Buddha on a pogo stick"
best. non-dino-line. ever.


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