Disclaimer: It’s not me, it’s the drugs.

Rating: PG-13, for adultish themes.

Comment: Five minute crack fic. This is what insomnia will do to you.

All I can say is: forgive me?

***

There was a distinct buzz over the dinner table that night, feverish whispering down one end of the table, coming from Kaylee and Simon who had their heads bowed together. Or, more precisely, the chatter was coming from Simon, Kaylee seemed like she was trying to hush him.

“Jayne.” Mal glared. “Did you take the damn diary or didn’t you?”

“I don’t have no diary, Mal.” Jayne nodded. “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

“It was you!” Simon glared over the table. “Who else would want to take my things?”

Jayne snorted.

“Why the hell you think I want your stuff?”

“I want it back.” Simon seethed.

“I ain’t got it.” Jayne happily supplied and began skewering his protein with his fork. “Maybe you should look in Inara’s shuttle. There’s all sortsa girlified stuff in there.”

“A diary isn’t ‘girlified’, you…”

“Oh, hey now.” Kaylee placed a hand on Simon’s arm to stop the inevitable insult. “No need for that. I’ll fix this once and for all.”

“You will, huh?” Jayne grinned.

“Jayne.” Kaylee looked him in the eye. “You bring the diary back within five minutes, I’ll show you a boob.”

“Done.” Jayne agreed instantly and stood up, practically running out of the room.

“Kaylee!” Simon cried out.

“Mei mei.” Mal sighed. “Is that necessary?”

“He likes Christmas when all the presents come at once.” River giggled. “But he doesn’t like coal.”

“Don’t you worry ‘bout me.” Kaylee replied calmly as she ate her food. “I can take care of myself.”

“Here.” A small book was thrown onto the table and then Jayne sat down, his face eager and his eyes open. “Now, Kaylee, you owe me somethin’.”

“Right you are.” She agreed, happily, and placed a small mirror in front of him. “There you go, one boob.”

“What?” He frowned at it for a second. “Aw, hey! That ain’t fair!”

“Told you he didn’t like coal.” River gloated and everybody else laughed.

“Should’ve been more specific, Jayne.” Zoe patted him on the shoulder. “You could avoid disappointment like that.”

“It ain’t fair.” He pouted again, glaring across the table at Kaylee. “Girl, you owe me some breasts an’ you know it.”

“We agreed.” She shrugged. “Your expectations ain’t my fault.”

“I want breasts!”

“Jayne!” Mal glared. “That’s enough.”

“But…”

“I said, that’s enough.”

“But…”

“Are you deaf now? You havin’ problems with those ears of yours?”

“But, Maaaaaaaaaaal.”

“I don’t want no more buts at my table!”

“How ‘bout breasts?” Jayne mumbled down to his plates. “Kaylee owes me some breasts…”

“Jayne! Gorram it!”

“Nah, Cap’n, it’s okay.” Kaylee blushed. “Jayne’s right. He should get a fair deal.”

“Really?” Jayne’s face perked right up. “You’re gonna do it?”

“One.” Kaylee held up a finger to demonstrate, her voice left no room for argument. “One breast, that was the deal. And not here, in front of everyone.”

“Okay.” Jayne nodded eagerly. “Whatever. So long as I get me some breast.”

“What just happened?” Mal asked. “Is this still my boat? ‘Cause somebody’d tell me if that changed, right?”

***

The job the next day was a tense one. For the life of him, Jayne couldn’t figure out why Mal and Zoe were so damned tetchy. Hell, it seemed like a good day to him, job went about as well as expected, nobody got shot, and he was gonna get him an eyeful. It wasn’t like he was gonna make her do nothin’.

She agreed to it. Hell, she’d even winked at him when they’d left the ship that morning. So he was looking forward to getting back. Didn’t even stop for a drink or to chat up a whore. Hell, he was willing to bet that one look at Kaylee’s breasts was worth a whole week of whore time.

“What’s this?” Mal’s voice woke him up outta his daydream. “It’s a box and it has your name on it.”

“Huh.” Jayne took it and began to undo the string that tied it. “I didn’t order nothin’.”

Even when the thing was open he didn’t know what he was looking at. His confused expression must’ve tipped the others off, ‘cause then Mal and Zoe were peerin’ in right over his shoulder. And then they were giggling.

“It’s food.” He said, feeling a little bit the dumb merc they always said he was.

“Jayne.” Mal patted him lightly on the shoulder. “I believe Kaylee just gave you a chicken breast.”

“What?”

A pause.

“Gorram it, Kaylee!” He yelled, turning into the ship and running up the stairs. “That ain’t fair!”

***

She could hear his footsteps before he even hit the upper level. Kaylee grinned into the engine and tried to stay hidden. Not that the engine room was a particularly genius place to hide, because anyone with half a brain would look there first.

“That ain’t hardly fair, girl.”

Yup, he found her.

“What?” It was hard not to laugh. “You wanted a breast, you got one.”

“That ain’t what we agreed on an’ you know it.”

“You can’t keep changing your mind, Jayne.” She pretended to sigh. “I keep sticking to the agreements, it ain’t my fault you don’t like what you get.”

“When you said boob, you knew damn well I wasn’t gonna think of a man.” He sounded petulant and she almost took pity on him. “And you knew that I didn’t mean no bird when I said breasts.”

“Really?”

“Gorram it, woman, show me some tits!”

“Oh, well.” She slinked out from under the machine and turned to glare at him. “When you put it like that…”

“We had a deal.” He frowned. “Tit for tat.”

“And you won’t accept anything else?” She watched him shake his head. “You won’t stop ‘til you’ve seen tits?”

“Your tits.” He clarified.

“Fine. My tits.” She nodded, then gestured back to the engine. “Now, if you don’t mind, I got work to do.”

“But…”

“Soon.” She promised him. “Be patient.”

***

“Kaylee!” Jayne roared, storming up and out of his bunk. “What the gorram hell is this?”

“Isn’t that obvious?” She opened the hatch to her own door. “They’re my tits.”

“They ain’t tits.” He glared. “They’re birds, stupid pictures of stupid birds.”

“They ain’t stupid.” She frowned. “They’re real shiny. River made ‘em for me. That one there is a Great Tit and that blue one is a Blue Tit, they’re from Earth that Was.”

“You’re a cheat.” Jayne could feel himself give up. “A fink and a cheat and no way can I ever trust you again.”

“Oh, hey.” She looked honestly hurt at that. “That’s just mean.”

“You teased me an’ you knew it.” He pouted. “Led me along, keepin’ me hanging, thinkin’ I was gonna see…”

His words trailed off. She musta felt real sorry for him then, ‘cause damn if she hadn’t lifted her top for one sweet, blissful second. Oh, yeah, Jayne could just about die happy after that. In his bunk, rethinking that over and over again.

“Thanks.” He nodded and reopened his hatch. “That’s all I wanted.”

“Jayne?” He stopped, one foot on the top rung. She sounded all sortsa nervous. “Didn’t you promise me tit for tat?”

“Oh. Guess I did, at that.” Her eyes widened as he stepped from his door over to her, real close. “You sure you’re ready for that?”

“Yup.” Her eyes were big and she swallowed nervously.

“Good then.” He grinned as he rolled up his sleeve. “This one here is a dragon…”

“Jayne!” She punched his shoulder. “That ain’t fair!”

***

(I'm sorry, I'll go now).