Author's Notes (again): Prologue/backstory to La Cienega Just Smiled. Warnings from La Cienega Just Smiled: Read with caution. There's some topical matter, namely who's paired with whom, that might be offensive. Feedback is always appreciated (kaylee@kikiroxxorz.com). There is a third part and a fourth part now, which I will post if people want.

Any problems can be directed to my dear and fluffy muse, Ryan Adams. He sings, I write.

"Now I hold you close in the back of my mind, feels so good, but damn, it makes me hurt

I’m too scared to know how I feel about you now

La cienega just smiles and says “I’ll see you ‘round.”

Now I hold you close in the back of my mind

Raise my glass cause either way I’m dead

Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore

One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul

La cienega just smiles and waves goodbye."

~Ryan Adams, La Cienega Just Smiled

Sometimes she feels like he’s tearing her apart. Being with the doctor isn’t like how she expected. There’s always something she feels like she’s doing wrong, always something that she thinks isn’t good enough. The way her hair won’t stay back, the way she snorts if she laughs too hard, the permanent grease stains. Her tiny imperfections, what makes Kaylee Kaylee. What she doesn’t know is that he loves her even more for them. *** “I can’t do this anymore.” Kaylee fell back against the bed. “I’m so tired of pretending.” “Need to tell him that. I can’t help you yet.” *** Her voice is ringing in my ears, blocking everything else out. “…feelin’ trapped.” “Can’t do it anymore.” “Need breathin’ room.” Her scent overwhelms me when I walk into my bunk, and it makes me want to cry. Breathing room. I loved her so much I smothered her. Something colourful pokes out from behind my bunk, and I close my hands around it—one of Kaylee’s flowery shirts, abandoned here. I pick it up and breathe in her scent—engine grease and something sugary—and finally, finally let myself cry. *** It ain’t s’posed to hurt like this. His pretty blue eyes all full up with tears, his voice all cracked and wavery. I didn’t expect it to be this hard. I curl myself up on the bunk and blink tears away, starin’ at the wall. I don’t hear her come in, or even register her presence until her body is curled around mine. “River…?” “Don’t cry, bao bei.” “I hurt him.” “Shhh, it’s okay, don’t cry, don’t cry.” I can feel myself drifting off, warm and safe. I should feel guilty about falling asleep in her arms, why don’t I? “Don’t worry about it.” “How can I not?” “He’ll be okay. There’s someone else for him in the world, he just doesn’t see it yet. All he sees is you, but someday he will see.” This should make me feel worse, but instead, I feel the lightest I have in a very long time.