Part III

When Kaylee woke the next morning, Simon was gone and her pillow was wet where she had, unknowingly, cried in her sleep. In a moment of panic, she glanced around the room, fearing she would find all of his belongings gone. But that fear subsided when she found everything in its proper place. Nothing had been moved. She sank weakly back into the mattress, staring at the ceiling.

Tears crept out of the corner of her eyes as she thought about what had happened yesterday and how she had nearly lost the best thing she had ever found in her life. Something was still wrong this morning. She could feel it. Even though she and Simon had talked last night about what she’d done, there was still a sliver of hesitation. She knew he tried to cover it but it had been there and she didn’t know what it meant.

Kaylee rolled over and trailed her fingers over his pillow, closing her eyes and taking in his scent that still lingered there. She lay still for a few more minutes and then with a sigh, pushed herself out of bed and dressed slowly, really not wanting to leave the room. She wanted to bury herself in the blankets and not come out until everything was back to normal, back to the way it was when Simon had held her in his arms yesterday morning.

As she moved to the door, it slid open, revealing Simon holding plate full of food.

“Morning bao bei.” His expression changed when he noticed her bloodshot eyes and her wet cheeks. He led her back into the room and shut the door, eyes narrowing in concern. “Kaylee?”

“You don’t forgive me.”

Simon set the plate down on the small table in the corner of the room and then guided Kaylee to the bed, pulling her down to sit with him. “That’s not it.”

Kaylee stared down at their joined hands. “You didn’t want to – last night. You didn’t –“

“I love you, Kaylee.” Simon pulled on her hands and she slid closer to him. “I just – “ he looked around the room, at the items sitting on the small desk in the corner that belonged to them. “I need some time.”

“Cause of what I did.”

Simon sighed, his heart tearing in two for the pain she was enduring. He didn’t know how to explain how he was feeling. He loved her with all of his heart, he ached to hold her in his arms, make love to her. But – some portion of him hesitated, not wanting to be burned again. He’d trusted her blindly before and while her intention to protect him had been honorable, if she’d just been honest, hadn’t lied to him about it, he knew he wouldn’t feel this hesitation now.

“I don’t know what to say, Kaylee. I – don’t.” Simon lifted their joined hands to his lips and kissed them. “I don’t know how to fix this.” He shook his head. His eyes sad. “I don’t even know what’s broken.”

“I broke us.” The pain in her voice caused tears to prick his eyes.

“We’re not broken. We’re bruised. But we will heal.” Simon couldn’t think of any other way to explain it. It was his decision now, when to push on with their relationship. He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. “We’ll be fine.”

~*~

But things were not fine. There was an unexplainable tension throughout the ship. Kaylee completely ignored Jayne. Jayne, for his part, seemed to avoid Simon. Simon and Kaylee appeared to be talking, but there was something in their eyes, something dulled, something – missing.

After dinner that evening, Inara followed Kaylee to the engine room, where she had clearly been hiding all day. Tinkering with parts that didn’t need to be fixed.

“Kaylee?”

Inara could see the strained smile on the younger girls face. She’d wanted to give Kaylee a chance to come to her, to talk, hoping she and Simon had worked out their problems, but she had waited all day. She didn’t want to wait a moment longer. The unspoken tension that filled the ship was going to make Mal explode if something wasn’t resolved soon.

“Hi ‘Nara.”

She could sense the forced cheerfulness in Kaylee’s voice. “Anything I can do to help?” Inara asked softly.

“I’m not sure I can even do anything. I don’t understand what’s wrong.” The hopelessness in Kaylee’s voice tugged at Inara’s heart.

“Other than you wanting to toss Jayne out the airlock?” No one had been oblivious to the attitude toward the big mercenary since this happened.

“Don’t wanna talk about Jayne.”

Silence fell and when Kaylee made no attempt to pick up the conversation, Inara decided she would have to be more direct. “You and Simon seemed to be doing well.”

Kaylee shrugged. “Sure.”

“That didn’t sound too convincing, mei mei.”

Kaylee lowered her head and bit her bottom lip. “He won’t touch me, ‘Nara.”

The Companion stepped further into the room and closer to Kaylee. As she opened her mouth to speak, Kaylee continued.

“Well, no. He’ll touch me. He just won’t – do nothin’ else.” She twisted a rag around in her fingers. “Tried last night after we talked but then he stopped and just wanted to hold me. Tried this mornin’ after he brought me breakfast but he just wasn’t interested.” When she looked up, there were tears in her eyes. “Never been like that before. I’m scared he’s just stayin’ with me ‘cause he feels guilty. That we’ll never go back to how it was.”

Inara took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Sweetie, Simon is – much more reserved than you. All those months ago, you broke through those barriers and got him to let his guard down.” She smiled slightly remembering how good things had been between the couple since Miranda. “If those barriers are back –“

“With me on the outside again.” Kaylee lamented with a sob. “An its my fault.”

“Well –“ Inara tried to find a way to put this as delicately as possible so as not to hurt Kaylee more, but failed. “You brought, essentially, another person into the middle of a very personal and intimate act between the two of you. It’s very clear Simon doesn’t trust easily. And before yesterday, you two had a bond of trust that was very palpable whenever the two of you stepped into a room. You need to give him time to regain that trust.”

“Don’t got nothin’ if there’s no trust.” Kaylee said sadly.

“You have love. And, Kaylee, if you two are meant to be together, you will get through this. It’s easier to hate and be angry than it is to work on love and repairing something that was lost. Do you – want me to talk to him?”

“No,” Kaylee said quickly, shaking her head. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t do anything different. You’ve made your apologies?”

Kaylee nodded solemnly.

“Then let him make the next move. When he’s comfortable again being intimate with you, I’m sure you won’t miss the signs.” Inara’s eyes danced as Kaylee looked up at her with the first inkling of hope she’d had all day.

~*~

When Kaylee finally came to bed that night, she crawled into Simon’s arms and snuggled close, hoping that he would return her amorous advances. But it was not to be. He simply tightened his arms around her, brushed his lips against her forehead and went back to sleep.

Kaylee cried silent tears that night, hoping, wishing and praying her mistake had not cost her the one man she had allowed herself to truly love.

~*~

When Kaylee woke up the next morning, Simon was already gone and she dressed slowly, struggling, and mostly failing, to keep the tears at bay. She didn’t want to see anyone. She didn’t want to eat. She just wanted to go hide. Mostly she wanted to scream at Simon and demand he tell her what she could do to make it right. But they’d already had this discussion. He didn’t know either.

So, she skipped breakfast and went right to the engine room to check and re-check everything she had looked at yesterday.

~*~

She watched him from the shadows, her eyes following his every move. She could feel his pain, his confusion, as if it were her very own. She had gone to bed for the last two nights in tears, feeling every raw, uncontrolled emotion that spilled out of his head.

It was time to stop this, if not for herself, than for him and for Kaylee. They loved each other. They were good for each other. But her stupid brother couldn’t see past this one little thing regardless of how much he tried.

“Hurt and confused, don’t know which way to turn. Can’t go back, too scared to move forward.” River glided into the infirmary.

Simon glanced up sharply, his little sister startling him from yet another long reverie. “Hi mei mei, was there something you needed?”

“Help.”

Concern spread across his face and he touched her arm, his menial task forgotten.

River scoffed at his concern. “Not for me, you boob. For you.”

Simon stepped back and turned away. “There isn’t anything wrong with me, mei mei.”

“Good at hiding your feelings. Did it for so long, you didn’t know how to stop until Kaylee slipped in.” She was beside him again, looking up at him with big, expressive brown eyes that seemed to pierce his very heart.

“River –“

“Listen.” River glanced up, extending her hands. “Hear the beat. The pulse. It’s all around us.”

Simon’s eyes narrowed.

As River drew her hands together she flattened them against his chest, over his heart. “It’s inside you.”

Simon closed his hands over hers. “I don’t under –“

”She is inside you.” River scowled at him and shook her head. “Hearts beat as one now.”

Dawning flashed in his eyes. “Kaylee.”

“You love her. She broke your trust, not your heart.”

Simon inhaled deeply. “River, I don’t know –“

“Love her,” River insisted.

Simon sighed. That wasn’t the issue. “Yes, I do.”

“Show her.”

Simon tensed and River slapped his chest.

“A barrier. Something immaterial that objects or impedes. Something that separates or holds apart.”

And Simon thought he sounded like a textbook. He exhaled deeply, not really wanting to have this conversation with his sister. “River –“

“Stronger together than you are apart. Barriers can be torn down and trust can be rebuilt. Trust that you can re-build.”

Simon understood her words but she could tell he didn’t understand the meaning behind them.

“Trust. Something committed into the care of another. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person.”

Simon let out an exasperated breath. “I’m well aware of the technical definitions of the word.”

“But you don’t understand them.”

Simon shook his head. And she had been getting so much better. Now she was talking in riddles again. He got the feeling he didn’t understand something. Something profoundly important.

River continued. And she would go on until her boob of a brother understood or she cracked him over the head in exasperation. “Faith. Loyalty to a person or a thing; allegiance.”

Simon simply blinked at her.

“You think too much.” She clutched his shirt in her tiny fingers. “Feel more. Feel the beat, the pulse around you, through you. She has your heart. Trust in your love. Trust in it. Learn from the past and move on. Have faith.”

Simon smiled suddenly and kissed her cheek. “Thank you, mei mei.”

“Understand now?”

Simon nodded. “Yes, I think I do.”

River embraced him tightly. “Good. Go have sex. I want to be an aunt.”

Simon laughed, a genuine from the heart laugh, and pinched her arm. “That is a deterrent if I’ve ever heard one!”

River frowned and stepped out of his arms. “She’s in the engine room. Just go. Don’t think. Don’t plan. Just do.” With that, she was gone, leaving Simon alone in the infirmary staring after her.

~*~

When Simon reached the engine room, Kaylee’s back was to him, completely absorbed in fiddling with something on her desk. He watched for a few silent moments, absorbed in the way she moved, in the hair that flowed around her shoulders, her fingers at once both deft and confident in their movements.

His breath caught as he thought about how incomplete his life would be without her. He loved her so deeply and so unconditionally that he hadn’t been able to just quickly forgive and forget one mistake. Even if that mistake had come about because of her love for him. But he knew that he trusted her, and he trusted that their love would hold them together. He couldn’t imagine a life without her and he didn’t want to.

Not wanting to spend another moment without her, he crossed the distance between them quickly and slid his arms around her waist. He could feel her tense for a moment and then relax, recognizing the feel of his arms holding her tightly. Simon closed his eyes and as she tilted her head to look at him dropped his mouth to her neck.

“Simon?”

He could hear the question in her voice and simply held her, his lips moving across her bare skin almost reverently. “I love you,” he murmured over and over before lifting his face from her neck and kissing her astonished mouth.

Kaylee inhaled shakily and twirled in his embrace. She threw her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, sobbing against his mouth. She didn’t know what had happened, why he was here, now, kissing her like this, but she didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to ruin the moment.

He could hear her relieved sigh as he thrust his tongue into her mouth, tasting the sweetness that was remarkably Kaylee mixed with a bit of engine grease. He pulled her against him, not wanting to let her go, wanting to feel every soft curve of her pressed up against him. For long moments they kissed, neither wanting to part for fear that the moment would be lost. He could taste the tears as they dripped down her cheeks and he lifted his hands to brush them away.

Words tumbled out of her mouth. He’d heard them all before but they tore at his heart anyway. “I’m so sorry. Simon, I’m sorry. I –“

“Hush, bao bei. It’s over. It’s done. We can move past this. I trust you. I trust this – us.” He kissed her again, this time lifting her into his arms and setting her on her desk. His hands roamed at her waist, up the back of her shirt to unclasp the bra beneath it. “I don’t want to – I can’t live without you.”

~*~

By the time they’d gotten to their room, they were in no mood to go slowly. Simon pulled her shirt over her head and yanked her coveralls down her legs so quickly anyone watching would have thought it was their first time.

Kaylee stepped out of the pool of material at her ankles as she made quick work of his pretty blue shirt and pants, unzipping and pushing them down his legs in an effort to reach his already firm and straining erection.

He backed her toward their bed, momentarily wishing it was bigger, but then their hips met again and all he could think about was sinking into her wet, inviting body. He couldn’t live without this. Not now. Not ever.

She lay back, bringing him with her, refusing to break their kiss for anything short of an explosion sending a fireball through the room. She tugged at his hair, held so tightly onto his shoulders she was certain there would be tiny, finger-sized bruises there in the morning.

He balanced his weight over her and reluctantly broke their kiss to watch her expression, look into her eyes when he entered her. He held her face between his hands as he sank into her, marveling that he could love this woman so deeply and completely.

Kaylee whimpered, groaning as she lifted her hips up to meet his first, hard thrust. She locked her legs around his waist and moved urgently against him, gasping as he stretched and filled her.

“So beautiful,” Simon whispered as he bent down to capture her lips, kissing them reverently, deepening the kiss only when Kaylee’s arms circled his neck. Her mouth clung to his as if it were her only lifeline and Simon groaned against her as the intensity of his thrusts grew.

They were swept away in the euphoric sensations thrumming through their bodies. It wouldn’t last, not this time. Simon regretted it, but his body and his mind simply would not cooperate. He wanted to wait for Kaylee, wanted to see her face, hear her cry out his name as she came but he knew it wasn’t to be, not this time. He would fall first, but he would make sure there was no doubt in her mind and in her heart that he loved her by the time he was done.

Kaylee’s murmurs of love brought tears to his eyes and he resolved never to let this kind of heartache linger between them again. He kissed her eyes, her cheeks and finally her lips as his body tensed and he cried out into her mouth.

Kaylee clutched him, tightening her legs around him as she felt his back stiffen and the warm burst of him flood her.

“Kaylee, God, I love you,” Simon panted against her mouth, trying in vain to control his erratic breathing. When he dropped his head to her neck, Kaylee sobbed.

“Love you, Simon. So much. I’m so sorry.” Kaylee squeezed her eyes shut as tears rolled down her cheeks.

Simon lifted his head after a moment, his loving gaze sweeping across her face. “No more tears.” He brushed a tender finger across her cheek and then bent to kiss her, this time, starting slowly, the kiss gentle and loving as he worshiped every bit of her skin with his soft lips.

~*~

Mal yawned and stretched as he stepped onto the bridge and found River curled into his chair. It had been a long day, but he found that he couldn’t sleep. Inara had been increasingly difficult over the last few days and he attributed it to the Simon and Kaylee situation. Damn shipboard relationships. Even as he thought the words, he knew Inara was rapidly changing his mind about them. “Awake this late?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

I know why I can’t sleep. Why can’t you? “Why might that be, lil’ albatross?”

“Same reason you can’t.”

Mal raised a curious eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Worried about Simon and Kaylee.”

Mal huffed and tried to deny it. “They’ll have work out their problems on their own.”

“You worry anyway. Don’t want them to get hurt. Know they belong together.”

Mal scowled, truly despising the fact the girl could read minds and emotions so clearly. Thankfully, she hadn’t examined his relationship with Inara closely. She was too busy meddling in her brother’s life – to which he was extremely grateful.

“Don’t want to care so much,” River lifted her head and looked at him. “But you do.”

He had the sinking feeling she wasn’t just talking about Simon and Kaylee. “Don’t want no fights on my boat. Why I hate –“

“Don’t hate shipboard relationships, just jealous you don’t have one.”

Mal huffed. So much for her not involving herself in his business. “Don’t go presumin’ anything lil’ –“

River closed her eyes. Her head lolled onto the back of the chair and she let out a soft sigh.

Mal took a step forward, suddenly concerned.

River trembled once and then lifted her head, smiling widely at Mal.

“What?”

River smiled happily. “Making up now.”

Mal groaned. He wasn’t sure he needed to know what Simon and Kaylee were doing. But – at least perhaps life could get back to normal if they’d resolved their issues. The tension the last few days had been thick enough to suffocate every member of the crew. He shivered a moment to get the image out of his head. “Why thanks, lil’ one. I needed to know that.”

“I know you did.”

~*~

The next morning, Mal found River in the same spot as he’d left her. This time, her face was flushed and she was biting her lip. Concerned, yet again, he touched her arm. “You all right?”

River glanced up at him, her eyes glazed, her skin tingling. “Still making up.”

Mal groaned and mentally kicked himself for asking.

The End