Disclaimer: Firefly and all related aspects belong to Joss Whedon.

First part in a series. Coauthored with Yanlei.

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Jayne woke up with a grin plastered to his face.

It was April Fool’s day and Jayne had set the alarm on the timepiece at the foot of his bed to go off before any of the rest of the crew would awaken. He had plans, oh, did he ever. Swinging his feet out of bed, Jayne got to work. There was a lot that he had to do and he had to do it quick. He had to do it before Mal woke up.

Moving around his bunk, Jayne gathered all of his oldest, grubbiest clothing, some industrial strength glue, a few daggers and a number of other little things. When he was through with everything, he hoped that it would work like he’d planned it to. He hoped he could make himself into a convincing reaver.

As Jayne stripped off what little clothing he slept in, he looked at the guns that were lined up on hooks on the wall by his bed. He wouldn’t be carrying any of them. No sir, reavers didn’t use guns and if he wanted to make himself look good, he couldn’t have them either. At least he could still carry a few knives.

Jayne worked quickly, slipping into his tattered old clothes. He regarded himself in the mirror and wrinkled his nose. He didn’t quite look savage enough just yet. Picking up one of the daggers laying on his bed, Jayne plucked at some of the fabric of the shirt and trousers he wore, putting more slashes in it, making it look well and truly torn.

Once he’d put enough tears in the clothing he wore, Jayne got to work on some other things. Pulling up a chair in front of the mirror on the shelf by his bed, Jayne picked up a few pieces of the scrap metal he’d collected when Kaylee got through with them. He wondered where he should stick them on for maximum frightening effect.

Deciding on a few places, Jayne picked up the super glue he’d set down on the bedside cabinet and began to glue the pieces to his skin. He made sure they stuck out at painful looking angles, marring his face up as much as he possibly could. The more realistic he could make something look, the better.

Upon finishing gluing all the scrap metal into place, Jayne grinned. He looked perfect so far, but there were still a few things missing. Picking up a vial of sacrificial lamb’s blood Jayne had gotten after a celebratory sacrifice on Triumph after one job, Jayne uncapped it. He knew it would come in handy some day.

Jayne dribbled a little of the blood around each of the pieces of metal sticking out of his face at odd angles. The bloodier, the better. He also dribbled some onto his clothes. When he was finished with the blood, Jayne thought that with a few finishing touches, he would be as close to being a reaver as he could be without actually being a reaver.

Standing from where he sat on the stool by the mirror, Jayne turned to the daggers he had on his bed. He picked up a few of his holster straps and began to strap the knives to his person. He strapped one around his thigh, a few to his waist, one to an ammo belt across his chest, and held another in his hand.

Turning back to the mirror, Jayne grinned. He looked so gorram perfect, even a bona fide reaver would confuse him for a reaver. Baring his teeth, Jayne decided he had the snarl down perfectly, too. He was ready. With one last glance in the mirror, Jayne made his way out of his bunk and crept down the corridor towards Mal’s bunk, where the captain slept peacefully.

Upon reaching Mal’s door, Jayne stood in front of it. He had to open it slowly enough so that the hydraulic hissing sound didn’t wake Mal, but fast enough so that the hatch door didn’t squeak. He pushed it open and did his best not to make a sound as he slipped down the ladder into the captain’s bunk, finding him asleep in his bed.

Grinning, Jayne crossed the room and stood at Mal’s bedside. He leaned in close and growled lightly, trying to now rouse the sleeping captain. When the growling didn’t work, Jayne reached out, prodding at Mal with the dagger he held. All the captain did was moan and shift around a little in his sleep. Tired of not being able to wake the captain, Jayne gave a loud, almost inhuman cry, as close to a reaver cry as he could get.

Well, that did it.

Mal’s eyes snapped open and he jumped, looking around frantically, still confused from the waking warmth of a fading dream. He glanced blearily up at Jayne only he didn’t recognize the mercenary for who he was. Mal’s eyes widened and he moved back on his bed with a yell. Groping under his pillow, Mal found the gun he kept there just in case. Pulling the gun out he tried his best to take aim, his tiredness making it difficult. Finally pulling the trigger, a gunshot echoed in the bunk and Mal watched the reaver fall.

Jayne hadn’t expected that.

He howled in pain as the bullet from Mal’s gun grazed his shoulder. Looking down, the wound was bleeding. Jayne dropped his dagger and clasped his hand to the gunshot. He looked at Mal with wide eyes and groaned.

“Gorram it, Mal, it’s just me!” Jayne hissed. “Happy April Fool’s day, ya feng le hun dan!”

Mal blinked. He lowered his weapon and leaned in closer towards Jayne. Recognition flickered in his eyes and they widened in surprise.

“Jayne! What in the hell are you tryin’ to do, get yourself killed?” Mal snapped. “You’re dai ruo mu ji!”

“I was only tryin’ to have some fun!” Jayne retorted.

“Fun’s going to get you killed one of these days,” Mal said pointedly.

Jayne rolled his eyes and turned away from Mal, making his way toward the ladder. He wiped his bloodied hand off on his shirt and grasped the rungs of the ladder, slowly making his way back up, out of the bunk.

As Jayne made his way out of the bunk, the rest of the crew were hurrying to the corridor, all having heard a gunshot. Kaylee, Wash and Zoe all peeked out of their bunks in the same hallway cautiously, Zoe’s gun drawn. Simon, River, Inara and the Shepherd stood around a nearby corner, peeking out slowly. When they saw Jayne’s form emerging from Mal’s bunk, Zoe lowered her gun and everyone crept out of where they were hiding from, wondering what was going on, all looking critically at Jayne’s outfit.

“Jayne?” Zoe asked, raising an eyebrow. “What were you doing in the captain’s bunk in that outfit?”

“Just tryin’ ta get a bit o’ April Fool’s day fun in when the qing wa cao de liu mang shot me!” Jayne spat.

“Sounds to me like you were asking for trouble,” Wash said, stifling a laugh. “Although you do a good impression of a reaver, I’ll give you that one.”

Simon stepped forward, seeing the blood from the wound on Jayne’s arm shining in the dim light of the corridor. He reached out to pluck away the fabric of the shirt carefully, examining the wound.

“It’s just a graze but it needs suturing,” Simon said lightly. “Let’s get to the infirmary.”

Jayne growled and nodded, pushing past Simon and striding angrily down the hallway. The crew followed with Mal in tow. The captain was none to pleased with Jayne’s prank. If Jayne wanted war, war he would have.

By the time Simon and the others reached the infirmary, Jayne had already settled himself on the diagnostic bed, looking homicidal. So the captain couldn’t take a joke. At least now he knew that. Next time he’d hit an easier mark, someone like the doc or little Kaylee.

Simon bustled around the infirmary, getting everything he needed. He approached Jayne, setting a tray of supplies and instruments down, starting on cleaning the wound as the rest of the crew watched from the doorway to the room.

“Aw Jayne, the cap’n didn’t mean to hurt ya, he was just tryin’ to protect himself and the rest of us, that means you, too,” Kaylee simpered sweetly.

“I can protect myself just fine,” Jayne deadpanned as the doc worked on him.

Simon worked slowly, carefully anaesthetizing, cleaning and stitching Jayne’s wound. He was somewhat tempted to laugh at Jayne’s predicament and make some sort of a smart comment, but if he did that, he’d be no better than the big ape.

As Simon worked, Mal stepped forward. He circled the diagnostic bed, regarding Jayne. The mercenary had just inadvertently started the biggest prank war that the ‘verse had ever seen. Mal was planning his revenge. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d do yet, and he’d probably need some of the crew’s help, but he would get Jayne back.

Once Simon had finished suturing the wound on Jayne’s arm, the mercenary climbed off of the diagnostic bed and made his way back to his bunk, grumbling all the way. He planned on getting revenge for that bullet one way or another. Mal had no right shooting him like that, even if he did think Jayne was a reaver. No, he would think of something.

At the same time, the rest of the crew had wandered off, spreading themselves out throughout the ship. Each of them had their own ideas. Jayne’s little escapade had gotten a rise out of them, inspired them to think of some way of their own to make April Fool’s day what it should have been.

And so it began…

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Translations:

feng le hun dan: crazy bastard dai ruo mu ji: dumb as a wooden chicken qing wa cao de liu mang: frog humping son of a bitch