A/N:This is a little silly fluff I wrote for agent rouka over in LJ a while back... she's lettin' me share. Prompt: Mal and creative uses for Protein for agent_rouka Rating: G

Of Preachers and Protein By 2x2

Mal closed his eyes, pleasantly content, Inara curled beside him on his narrow bunk. He was half deciding that sleep might be a good idea when Inara’s voice pulled him back to wakefulness.

“Tell me a story, Mal,” she whispered, tracing patterns on his chest with her fingers. Smiling, he pulled her closer, pillowing her head on his shoulder and pressing a kiss to her crown.

“What kind of story?” he asked dreamily.

“Something from when you were a boy, on Shadow,” she said, her fingers resuming their journey across his skin. It was a sensitive subject, she knew. He didn’t speak about his past, and the crew didn’t ask. But she was determined to learn more about him and she thought this might be a safe way for him to start opening up. She felt him draw in a deep breath, her hand rising and falling with his chest, and she waited silently on his reaction.

“Ain’t much to say, really,” he answered at last.

“You must have some tales of mischief and mayhem, Mal,” she pushed since he hadn’t outright refused to talk. He opened his eyes.

“Me?” he said, full of innocence and mock indignation. Inara grinned and pushed herself up on her elbows, staring down at him fondly.

“Yes, *you*. I’ve no doubt you were quite the handful back then. Now tell,” she commanded playfully. He smirked and tugged her back into his arms.

“Conjure I’ll leave it to you to decide how much of a handful I am now,” he said against her ear and she rolled her eyes, her lips twitching into a smile at his expected double entendre even as she shivered at his contact.

“Later. Right now you were about to tell me a story,” she said.

“Oh, issat what I was doin’?” he said, nibbling at her ear. As pleasing as it was, she wasn’t about to be so easily distracted.

“Talk,” she said, grabbing his face firmly between her hands and moving his lips away from her ear. He chuckled.

“Right. Well, don’t let this story fool you any, I really was a little angel--,” he paused, waiting for her to contradict him but she only smirked and stared at him patiently, waiting for him to continue. He gave her an over dramatic sigh and gave in. “—But, well, there was this one time… I was about 11 or 12 I’d guess, and we had this new preacher come to town, real young fella. I figure we must’ve been his first congregation ‘cause he got real nervous whenever he had to speak in public, for his sermons and such, and he’d sweat something fierce up in front of us all,” he said, remembering with a chuckle. Inara listened, her cheek pressed against his chest, smiling. “Anyway, ‘didn’t get along too well with ‘em,” he continued and Inara snorted.

“Hey!” he chastised, giving her a light smack on her backside.

“Sorry,” she said, biting back a laugh. “Why didn’t you like him?”

“Well, let’s just say he had some older ideas about women-folk, and about how they should or should not be working ranch land that I didn’t take to.”

“Oh,” she said, a derisive note to her voice that told him just how she felt about that herself.

“So anyways, were a fair amount of times I ended up havin’ to assist with the altar boys – that was one of the Reverend’s little punishments—”

“Hmm, I’ll bet.”

“So, that’s how, one day when one ‘a the altar boys was sick, I was in back a’ the church in the vestiary, getting the Reverend’s clothes ready for the service, an’, well… I used t’a carry around these powdered protein packs, the dehydrated kind,” he said, his voice rumbling as he remembered. “I loved ‘em when I was a kid. Probably wouldn’ta liked ‘em so much if I knew how many meals’d be comprised of the stuff out here back then, but… so, I had this protein pack, an’ it was light and white an fluffy lookin’ stuff… I used to eat it straight out of the package, let my spit get it wet so it’d expand right in my mouth like… so I had this stuff, an’ there I was in the vestiary with the Reverend’s clothes all laid out – an’ you remember how I said he used to sweat a lot? Well, turns out he had this special powder for his, uh, his small clothes and such—”

“What. Did. You. Do?!” gasped Inara, clapping a hand over her mouth as her mind supplied the answer. He grinned roguishly, shaking as he laughed.

“I used the whole gorram pack!” he said, snorting as he tried to contain his laughter. “He gets up in front of everyone, an of course, the nerves start kickin’ in…” He had to pause to catch his breath and Inara squealed behind her hand, unable to hold it in which made him laugh harder. “An he.. an… he…..he… so he starts sweatin’. An’, you gotta understand, he didn’t just stand there behind the pulpit neither. He was one a’ them fire an’ brimstone types liked to run back an’ forth… but then, pretty soon he gets this funny look on his face, all uncomfortable like…”

Inara snorted and pressed her face into his chest. “Oh, God!” she gasped.

“An’ he starts movin’ funny, wigglin’ like,” Mal said, shifting his hips from side to side to demonstrate, his voice an octave higher than usual as he struggled to breath around his laughter, grasping Inara when she shrieked and clutched at his shirt. “Little…. Little trails of it… start… falling outta his robes behind him!” he said, gasping each word in giggling agony. “Oho….oh..oh…. An’ there I am… front and centre… biggest shit-eatin’ grin you ever saw on my face, an he looks right at me!... an ohhh… he starts cussin’ me out right there in the middle o’ the service!.... An’ I was so humped, but it was so worth it!”

“Stop! … Oh, God, stop!” Inara panted, trying desperately to catch her breath, her eyes tearing. They rocked together, riding out their laughter, dragging in deep breaths only to start again, one or the other letting out a squeak or a snort that would set the other one off.

“Ohhh,” said Mal at last, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Needless to say, I didn’t ever have to do altar boy duty again!”

Inara giggled, a hand against her stomach as her chest heaved with the effort to breath. “Oh, ren ci do fo zu! I guess not,” she gasped, delighted beyond her wildest expectations with the result of her little experiment. “Oh, Mal…” she laughed, shaking her head.

“My momma beat my backside blacker’n the Black for it too. I swear my ass didn’t hit the bench for a week,” he said fondly. “Still, next day she went out an bought me a whole gorram case a’ powdered protein… ahhh…” He trailed off, holding Inara close to him. He looked down at the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes and gave her squeeze, smiling back.

“You know,” he said. “That reminds me of this one time…”