Disclaimer: Not mine, no pay.

Thanks: To Jacqui, Josh and to Rion, my own personal BDH. You guys are the greatest.

Rating: PG-15, angst

Remarks: Set after “Objects in Space”. Inara has departed from Serenity and the crew has been through a rough stretch. Click on my name to read the backstory. They’re all backstory.

Feedback: Lovin' your comments, folks! It only takes a minute and is genuinely appreciated. What did you like? What doesn’t work? You can post below or email to Lumenea@aol.com

Leaps of Faith

Chapter Fifteen

Coming hard on the heels of several traumatic days, Jayne’s revelations are more than Kaylee can process, like a fist to the gut. Her breath catches in her chest and she cannot contain the tears that blur her eyes as she stumbles through the darkened ship up to Serenity’s engine room.

After the trauma of Early’s invasion of Serenity, this space doesn’t feel as safe as it once did, just as the ship itself and the ‘Verse around them are intangibly harsher, grimmer. Still, this is the place she seeks as her haven now that Inara is gone.

She curls herself up into a ball against Serenity’s bulkhead, her tear-streaked face against the vibrating metal of the Firefly, skin to beloved skin, and sobs until the merc’s words stop cascading through her head.

“I done the stupidest thing I guess I ever done in all my life… them times I told ya I loved ya, I meant it with all my heart… I been talkin’ a lot with the Shepherd… called the Feds on Simon and River… maybe it’s time for me to quit while the odds are still with me… take you some place safe where we could have a family… dear God, I’m sorry, Kaylee… I’ll understand if you don’t feel the same about me after this… you’ll need time to figure out how ya feel…”

When her tears have ceased and she’s caught her breath, Kaylee whispers to the big ship, “Oh, ‘Renity, I ain’t got no idea what I feel or what to do. I wanted him to open up, let me in, but I wasn’t figurin’ on what all came floodin’ out.”

She wipes her tears on her sleeve and almost without conscious intent, she reaches into her toolbox, takes out a wrench and continues the dialogue. “I know, girl, I been promisin’ you for days that I’d get those loose heat sinks tightened down. I ain’t meant to slight your care, just had an emergency to tend.” She scoots herself up under the big engine, reaches into the intricate maze of conduit, hose, metal and wiring and begins her work, the routine calming to her shocked and battered heart.

“Yeah, I know, you been havin’ to share me with ‘im these past few months, but then, he’s learnin’ how to help me care for you, too. I been so awful worried about him the whole past week, how he took to shuttin’ me out, wouldn’t tell me what he was feelin’ or nothin’.” She tosses the wrench back in the toolbox and rummages around for a screwdriver, continuing her adjustments.

“At least you never get mad at me and clam up. When somethin’s wrong, girl, you let me know, ya ask for what ya need. Makes it a hell of a lot easier that way, don’t have to second guess when your catalyzer’s failin’ or the Reuters are on the fritz again.”

“I just had the awfulest feeling somethin’ was gonna happen to him on this job and then he comes back, all shot up bad. Simon didn’t even know if he’d make it at first. I never been so worried in all my life, ‘Renity, I mean, him bein’ my sweetie and all.” She uncrimps a cable.

Workin’ and talkin’ to the Firefly seems to be the best way to keep Kaylee’s flood of head chatter down to a manageable level. So, despite her exhaustion, the little mechanic continues her routine maintenance, checking couplings and tightening connections as she shares her doubts and fears with the great machine.

She removes a contact that has become corroded, scrapes the metal clean, and replaces the part. “Ya know, Jayne and me was goin’ along just fine. It was so great having a man who really appreciated me and didn’t have such a gorram awful time sayin’ so, not too proper to kiss me or love me up good when I needed it.” She grins and blushes at the memories. “Ain’t no feller I ever been with give me the kind of loving Jayne has. Man can be fierce and passionate one minute, makes me think he’s gonna ‘bout eat me alive, then turns around and gets so gentle and tender-like.” She checks and cleans the other contacts.

“Mostly at first I thought we was just playin’. He was always off drinkin’ and whorin’ soon as we hit dirt, so I never figured anything between us was like to have any future. But then he started actin’ different, more tender, actually come straight out one night and said he loved me! Talk about shocked – last words I ever figured on hearing come outta Jayne Cobb’s mouth!” She nibbles her lip, ponders on that memory and seats the remaining cleaned contacts, then wiggles to the left and opens an access panel.

“Ok, girl, I hear ya. That initiator’s fixin’ to short, ain’t it?” She carefully flexes delicate wiring out of harm’s way, then carefully unscrews a small intricate part and scoots back out into better light, so she can examine the initiator more closely.

“Then I started noticin’ he wasn’t takin’ liberty when he got the chance, took to staying behind to help me work on you. Gave us a chance to be together without worrying whether Mal was gonna catch us and give us hell. He’s got a lot of skill with a torch and him bein’ so tall and strong helps out, too. Did you know his pa was a welder? Maybe that’s why he’s so good at heatin’ me up…” Kaylee laughs for a moment, then remembers other parts of the tale Jayne shared and her face falls.

Satisfied with the short-term repair she has managed on the initiator, she slips back under the engine and replaces it, tightening the screws. “Okay, girl, that oughta hold you for now, but I’ll ask the Cap’n about picking up a new one next chance we get.”

From her vantage point down on the engine room deck, Kaylee remembers the night several weeks back when Jubal Early suddenly appeared in her sanctum, threatening her with horrible things. The fear she felt sweeps over her again in waves, as it has from time to time since that terrifying night. She shivers, then thinks about how Jayne tried so hard to comfort her afterwards.

Kaylee lays out flat on her back on Serenity’s deck, spreads her arms wide, embracing the vessel. “He was the one who most understood, ‘Renity. When I couldn’t bear to be alone, he just held me, rocked me ‘til I could fall asleep, eased me when the nightmares came, taught me ways to protect myself. I ain’t felt so safe or cherished since I was back home. Truth is, I wish he was up here with me right now, not lyin’ down there in that medlab, ‘cause then I wouldn’t be feelin’ so scared.”

For hours she’s struggled to avoid the greatest wound, but exhaustion now leaves her with no further resources for denial. Why did he do it? she wonders. How could Jayne betray Simon and River? I thought I knew him, but I had no idea. How am I supposed to relate to a man who could do that, sell out folks who is family?

For a long spell she just lies there, watching the hypnotic spin of the Firefly’s great heart, all too aware of the jumble of emotions within her. She’s suddenly exhausted. “Awful late, ain’t it? I guess I better try to get some sleep, girl.” Kaylee gets up off the deck and dims the lighting, then makes her way around to her hammock and climbs in, dragging the afghan over herself and falling into a dreamless sleep.

(To be continued...)