And Now, For Something Completely Different
Tuesday, May 2, 2006

Jayne and Inara sex. In the shower. No plot, just smut. It's NC-17 for a reason kiddies.


with apologies to Monty Python…

- - - - -

His hands reached under her arms from behind, cradling each of her supple breasts, the thumbs brushing over her nipples. The large mercenary’s hands were not nearly as rough as she had imagined, and the palms were downright soft. She smiled and closed her eyes as she savored the soft caress, the hot water on her skin intensifying the sensation over every inch of her body.

She felt his large body move closer to her, pressing against her back. She reached her hands up and around his head, raking the back of his neck with her perfect fingernails. It had certainly been a long time, and she planned to enjoy this…

- - -

It had been many years since she had sex for the pure joy of it. Now, it was part of what she was paid to do. On occasion, she actually enjoyed the ritual, but most of the time it was just a source of income, a job. She needed a release, a true sexual encounter with someone who was 100% man and very sure of what he wanted from a woman, knew how to make her feel things she hadn’t felt in a long time. One day, out of the blue, she had invited him to meet her in the shower, a place that she usually avoided in favor of quiet sponge baths in the comfort and privacy of her shuttle.

- - -

She loved the feel of his caress on her breasts, loved having her tiny frame completely engulfed by his massive arms. She pushed her lean rear into him, feeling her first touch of his manhood, and bent her head to the left, leaving her neckline open and inviting. Without a moment’s hesitation, his lips moved to her throat, kissing and lightly biting along her jaw and neck. She moaned softly, leaning into him even more, goose bumps appearing all over her flesh despite the hot shower. Her hands crept lower, stretching to get around the back muscles to give his rear a squeeze. Wuh de ma, was he ever well toned and muscular! She wanted him to take her, then and there, hard and fast and dirty, but she had promised herself that she would take this as slowly as she could so as to enjoy it as thoroughly as was possible.

Jayne turned her around, dislodging her hands from his backside, and lowered his mouth to her nipples. His tongue and teeth played lightly among beads of water, teasing her, as his hands moved down her side to her shapely hips. He had been with all manner of women, from the mysterious and seductive Maeve that showed him his first time and taught him gentleness, to the blonde whore at the Heart of Gold that had been willing to do everything he asked, to every imaginable shape and size of woman imaginable; well, the ones that met his standards, or that he was too drunk to fight off. Seeing Inara bare and wet in front of him was hands-down the most beautiful sight he had seen. She was shapely, curved in all the right places, with the creamiest skin he had ever laid eyes on. He wanted to take her, hard and fast and dirty, right there on the shower floor, but something in her eyes told him that was not what she wanted, and seeing as this might be the only opportunity he may have with her, he decided to do whatever he could to please her.

He pulled her close to him again, facing her, with her pert breasts pressed against his chest, the smell of her shampoo filling his nostrils. He looked into her soft brown eyes with his steely blue-grey ones while running a hand through her wet hair, grateful for the aroma and feel of it. He then picked her up, not completely surprised that her weight felt like feathers in his arms, and started kissing her, beginning with the jaw line and working his way down, leaving no skin unkissed. He had stopped on her perfect nipples to tease and suck slightly, while carrying her over to a bed of towels he had made up just outside the shower. He laid her down across the clean, fluffy towels, running his hands the length of her body, then moved to her feet and proceeded to kiss all the way up her legs, stopping short at her upper inner thigh each time.

He sat at her feet, smiling up at her. In any other circumstance, she realized that his smile would completely creep her out, but in here, knowing what he was capable of, it was a most welcome sight. He lightly grabbed her ankles, rubbing them momentarily as his hands traveled up her legs. As he parted them he was afforded a full on shot of everything she had to offer. It was such an amazing sight, he thought for a moment he was looking at some rare beautiful flower. Everything about it was perfect, from the completely shaven skin to the perfectly plush lips and even her quivering little clit. He moved further up her legs, pushing them slightly more apart to allow his massive frame to gain access. With one hand he slowly moved up her thigh to the tip of her clit, giving it a soft pinch and nuzzling it with his thumbnail. She moaned loudly, throwing her head back, as Jayne tugged at her clit and lips, both of which were becoming increasingly more wet, despite having just stepped out of the shower.

He kissed his way up her leg again, one hand still playing with her. She moaned softly again, a smile coming to her lips, as he kissed closer and closer. He kissed almost up to her, then re-routed and kissed up her side to her belly, kissing downward at such a slow rate that Inara thought she would burst. As she pulled her head up to give him a stern look, his lips closed upon her clit, sending waves of sensation through her entire body. She threw her head back and moaned deeply, a warm tingle already building inside her belly. As he tugged with his lips and teased with his teeth he could taste the beginnings of the inevitable, and he put one hand up to her mouth to bite down on so she wouldn’t let out a full scream and give them away.

Her hips bucked violently and uncontrollably against his face, spasms and shakes running down her thighs and up her torso, setting her perfect breasts aquiver. Wu de tyen ah feng du! That had to be the first real orgasm she had experienced in years. Her entire body shuddered as the aftereffects rippled through her. As the feeling returned to her body, she realized that he was still down there, having just finished lapping up every drop of her, he was hungry for more. Without warning, his tongue was inside her, probing, tickling, rubbing it’s rough surface over her most intimate parts. He moved it slowly at first, exploring, probing deep, her hips rising and falling with her soft moans as she ran her hands through her hair. As he upped the tempo, he placed his free hand below her rear to caress and support her, squeezing gently as his tongue moved faster and faster. He could taste her beginning to come again, so he slowed to almost not moving, every thrust of his tongue deliberate and drawn out. This was too much for her, and she felt the fire starting below her belly and moving outwards. She arched her back, Jayne’s hand supporting her, and bit down hard on his hand as she moaned deeply again, releasing her hot fluids into the waiting mouth that brought them on. After swallowing all she had to offer, he gave her a quick kiss and began to get up. A smile crossed her face as she heard his voice in her head…”…that’s why I never kiss ‘em on the mouth…”…

Looking down at him, she could tell that he was more than ready to have another part of himself inside of her. Instead of plunging into her then and there, he began to stand up, his body turned toward the shower.

“Jayne Cobb, if you don’t get back down here and fuck me RIGHT NOW, I will hurt you in ways that you didn’t know you could hurt, dong ma?”

He smiled at her, gave her the slightest of winks, and lifted her off of the ground. Cradling her in his arms, he carried her back to the shower and set her on her feet. He silently turned her around so her back was to his chest. Bending his knees, he gave her shoulder a hard bite as he slid the tip into her from behind. Tzao-gau, was he big! He pushed into her, a couple of inches at a time, until she could feel his balls against her clit. As he slowly started to slide back out, she moaned, forcing her rear into him, at the same time reaching down between her legs to cradle his balls. He continued to slide in and out of her, grabbing her hips and thrusting harder, moans coming from deep within his chest. He evened out his pace, not wanting to come just yet, but making slow, deliberate thrusts, reaching up to caress her breasts as she arched her back even more. She reached her arm around to run her nails through his short hair, seeking something to grab. Moments later, her insides tightened as more shivers ran through her body. Wet hotness dripped from their union, and she was able to move her free hand down and catch some, tasting it herself before putting her hand to Jayne’s mouth.

When she turned to offer him her hand, he had a guilty look upon his face. He licked her fingers clean, then reached behind her and lifted her off of the floor by her rear. In an instant, her back was against the cool tile of the shower, and he had thrust himself into her, his mouth seeking her earlobe, his hands underneath to support her, and her legs up over his hipbones. He thrust himself into her faster and harder, so hard that she was sure several of the tiles were knocked loose. As he pumped, she moaned, louder and louder until she had to bite down hard on his shoulder to keep from screaming again, and then she felt the fire burning in her, hotter and more intense than the other three times. She could tell he was close too, by his swelling, so she let herself go. As the orgasm rocked her body against the wall, she felt him tense all over and then felt his hot juices shoot into her deepest parts, mixing with her own fresh fluids.

He reached down, getting some of the mixed juices that was leaking out from their junction, and offered her the first taste, which she hungrily accepted, before consuming the rest herself. He held her there a minute longer, waves of orgasm still moving through his body. He looked at her, taking in every detail of her body one more time, then lifted her off of him and turned the water back on. It was a good thing they were still planetside, or Mal would have killed them for wasting the water. Come to think of it, if Mal ever heard about this, Jayne knew he would have a one way trip out the airlock. He shrugged, dismissing the thought, and kissed Inara’s head before helping her to apply soap all over her body.

‘Would be worth it,’ he thought ‘just to see the look on his face.’

- - - - -


wuh de ma – mother of god

wu de tyen ah feng du – dear god in heaven or hell

dong ma? – do you understand

tzao-gau – wow or oh my!


Tuesday, May 2, 2006 1:40 PM


For some good BJ scenes, start here amd work through The Pleasuring of Kaylee series:

Tuesday, May 2, 2006 2:43 PM


I LOVE the title. And yeah, the pairing is completely diff enough to merit your MP tribute.

And now for the fic itself. "Bending his knees, he gave her shoulder a hard bite as he slid the tip into her from behind"...ummm, YEAH, River. I'd like to say I'll be in my bunk but I'll never make it that far without having to take things in hand WAY 'afore I'd ever get there. You're a good shiny perv writer, River, and that's a compliment. It's rare when it's this good.

Jayne and 'Nara goin' tab A into Slot B in the shower. YEAH, Baby. And Mal's face if he knew about it? Tzao-gau!

I disagree with the Anon commenters that say this story needed a BJ. 'Nara was all about the getting, here, not about the giving back. And thank ya truly for pimpin' my "The Pleasuring of Kaylee" series. *kiss*

Small edit: every thrust f his tongue deliberate and drawn out.

Thanks for taking these two BDH's where they needed to go. More perv fic in ya? Give.

Tuesday, May 2, 2006 3:38 PM


GUH! Way to go Inara! And of course she knew just who to look to for that kind of pleasure. ;)

Tuesday, May 2, 2006 4:12 PM


Whoa! Okay, then. Time for a cold shower, I think.

Yeah, I'd like to see Mal's face if he ever found out.

Tuesday, May 2, 2006 5:21 PM


Who ever said the woman can't recieve the BJ? Ever heard of upside-down throat f&$#in? The woman's the one recievin it then :p

And now for the fic itself. "Bending his knees, he gave her shoulder a hard bite as he slid the tip into her from behind"...ummm, YEAH, River. I'd like to say I'll be in my bunk but I'll never make it that far without having to take things in hand WAY 'afore I'd ever get there. You're a good shiny perv writer, River, and that's a compliment. It's rare when it's this good.

Very true. River you're a natural and my #1 most respected pervert :p good tidings

Wednesday, May 3, 2006 10:58 AM


LOL @ Rip :)

Yep - definitely up there with Washie's works!

I dont dare write PWP in case its terrible, but I admire those who can and do!

Keep flyin - hell, keep smuttin' :)

Monday, May 22, 2006 6:10 AM


*wipes brow* Wowzer, River...t'was a smutty extravaganza :) Should be proud of yourself.

Not usually a fan of NC-17 works, I find them too...basic...and crappy...but this I enjoyed. At times, you were subtle and at times you were trouser-liftingly blunt...which it had to be in a way, 'cos it was kinda obvious that both of them wanted it in a bad way!

All in all, probably one of the best porn-fics I've read, so keep it up...if you do, then I'll be able to...keep it up...

Thursday, October 19, 2006 8:33 PM


I have been shown the master's way, and I am awestruck...that was without a doubt the greatest oral sex scene Ive ever read...thank you River.
Now I gotta do two things...take a shower, and walk with my tail between my legs :D


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From Bad to Worse, chapters 1-10 (COMPLETE)
This is a re-post from before the BSR got hit a few weeks ago.

The story takes place in between ‘The Train Job’ and ‘Bushwhacked.’ According to Inara, there is a three-ish month gap here, so I thought it would be perfect for this little story and its epilogue.

From Bad to Worse, pt 10
Thrilling heroics ensue.

From Bad to Worse, pt 09
Mal, Zoe, and Jayne come to the rescue, and backup from the engine room arrives.

From Bad to Worse, pt 08
Claire is put to the ropes, though the cavalry is on the way.

From Bad to Worse, pt 07
Mal, Jayne, and Zoe make their way back to Serenity, and Claire and her posse run into even more troubles.

From Bad to Worse, pt 06
The fighting is ended for now, though revenge is on more than one person's mind.

From Bad to Worse, pt 05
The feds arrive, a shootout involving the BDHs and Claire's posse ensues.

From Bad to Worse, pt 04
The gold is recovered, and a getaway is planned.

Sailing Beyond the Sunset, pt 17
Several crew members dwell on things past while one reunion is made and a wave from an old aquaintence is received.

From Bad to Worse, pt 03
The crews search the wreckage for their valuable treasure as Wash and Book attempt some thrilling heriocs.