Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written by jetflair

i am jetflair's love slave!
i WILL blind on her command!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:14 PM

So far I have:

-Captain Daddy
-The Consortium, composed of Niska, Atherton Wing, Badger, Saffron, Early, Gabriel Tam, and the Hands of Blue
-River/Jayne
-River/Mal
-River/Simon
-Mal/Simon
-Mal/Inara
-Mal/Mary Sue
-Jayne/Mary Sue
-Jayne/Kaylee
-Simon/Kaylee
-Zoe's unborn baby
-Kaylee's unborn baby (the product of rape, of course)
-Mal getting captured/arrested, tortured, and miraculously rescued at least six times in the course of one story
-Loyal, loving Jayne embarking on a committed adult relationship
-Loyal, loving Mal embarking on a committed adult relationship built on trust and open communication with Inara
-A job going south
-River bat-Sh#$ crazy
-River completely sane and foretelling the future for everyone to ignore
-Inara deciding she really hates this demeaning job of hers after all
-Wash walking around unable to do anything but disagree childishly with Mal and act as comic relief as he tries desperately to avoid violence at all costs
-Mal's happy family

"Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells you when she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home." .......We love you, captain.

"This is the captain. We may experience some slight turbulence and then.....explode"

www.serenityverse.com - Zoe necklace replicas, Serenity dogtags, jewelry, image gallery w/ custom DVD covers, other goodies!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:16 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:

i am jetflair's love slave!
i WILL blind on her command!

LOL - watch yourself....now that just might make it into the fic!

:adds to list:

-Out of context appearance of a character from another show who only exists in the story because the author thought it would be cool
-Book's brutal past, eating babies for the Alliance
-The suddenly loyal and brave Jayne

"Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells you when she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home." .......We love you, captain.

"This is the captain. We may experience some slight turbulence and then.....explode"

www.serenityverse.com - Zoe necklace replicas, Serenity dogtags, jewelry, image gallery w/ custom DVD covers, other goodies!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:22 PM

:adds to list:

-Out of context appearance of a character from another show who only exists in the story because the author thought it would be cool -

HA HA HA!

(then realises the truth and runs sobbing to tear up fics)

Forgive me!
For-give - me!!...

-squelch-!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:22 PM

Looks really interesting. (and I am glad you added the bit about a job going south.)

I can't really add to the list though. I am not creative enough.

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:30 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by nbz:
Looks really interesting. (and I am glad you added the bit about a job going south.)

I can't really add to the list though. I am not creative enough.

:channels Kaylee:
The whole point is, it ain't creative ;)

I want no spark of originality or inspiration in the whole gorram thing :D

"Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells you when she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home." .......We love you, captain.

"This is the captain. We may experience some slight turbulence and then.....explode"

www.serenityverse.com - Zoe necklace replicas, Serenity dogtags, jewelry, image gallery w/ custom DVD covers, other goodies!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:34 PM

- still squelching - hang on...

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:34 PM

i've sent you mine...

ole one eyed wytchcroft

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:36 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
:channels Kaylee:
The whole point is, it ain't creative ;)

I want no spark of originality or inspiration in the whole gorram thing :D

The thing is there is only so bad it can go. There are things that are so bad they are good.

You know, those awful horrible movies that you can't stop watching because of how bad they are? (There was this one movie about a run a way car that I remember.)

SO, you have to be careful. I am of the opinion that the worst fic would have to be pretty creative to get to that point.

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:37 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by nbz:
(There was this one movie about a run a way car that I remember.)

that would be Christine...

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:42 PM

PLATONIST

A River baby - bi-product of River/Jayne or River/Mal or River/Simon or River/clone or River/etc

and my worst nightmare is that it pops-up in my kid's preschool class!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:44 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
that would be Christine...

No I don't think it is that. This is a normal car that just cannot brake.

There is an annoying passenger, a good guy cop, a helicopter crew, a stuck up bridge worker...

EDIT - I think it is this:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120041/ - aptly called Runaway car

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:46 PM

Wychcroft, what you sent me has me laughing so hard I can barely type!

"Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells you when she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home." .......We love you, captain.

"This is the captain. We may experience some slight turbulence and then.....explode"

www.serenityverse.com - Zoe necklace replicas, Serenity dogtags, jewelry, image gallery w/ custom DVD covers, other goodies!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:51 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
laughing so hard I can barely type!

that's ok - thanks to you i can barely SEE! (staggers off site at this juncture)

still the one-eyed wytchcrofter

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Friday, August 31, 2007 2:54 PM

PLATONIST

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Wychcroft, what you sent me has me laughing so hard I can barely type!

HILARIOUS!, Wychcroft, I bet you were a Smurf Fan!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 3:16 PM

BROWNCOAT2007

I got some... strange ones...

-A Job actually going RIGHT... little danger, safe drop, getting all their cashy-money all nice and easy like

- Badger NOT being a wanker or a sod

- Niska acting like a kind and loving grandfather

- Books brains getting crushed by his hair

- River eating crew

- Ath inviting Mal to kick his.... Ath... again

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Friday, August 31, 2007 3:30 PM

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-Mal's little Witchy-poo calling Simon a boob.......
-Random and pointless cameos including Caleb, Alex Tully, and Sam Cain

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Friday, August 31, 2007 4:09 PM

SCHOONER

- Mal as an unfeeling killing machine
- Mal as an easy-going, sensitive, emotionally perceptive sort of guy
- Zoe as an unfeeling killing machine, post-BDM
- Zoe as a pathetic glob of jell-o, post-BDM
- Zoe desperately unhappy without a man in her life
- Inara desperately unhappy without a man in her life
- Kaylee desperately unhappy etc., etc.
- and River's in this state, too
- Simon as an effete coward
- River telling Mal/Inara, Simon/Kaylee, Jayne/anyone, how they really feel about each other and that they shold act on it immediately
- Said couple acting on River's advice because, hey, she's psychic

had enough, yet?

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Friday, August 31, 2007 4:21 PM

SABRI3L

Simon/anyone (especially River)
Over sensitive Wash
Secretly a genius Jayne ( I once read a fic where he spoke Latin)
River as overly crazy
Weeping mess Kaylee
Stupid Kaylee
Cowardly Wash

*--------------------------------------------*
Forsaken Knitter of Cunning Jayne Hats

Hell on wheels
http://www.cafepress.com/Teaanddumplings"> src="

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Friday, August 31, 2007 4:26 PM

Nope, keep 'em coming ;) This fic isn't quite as sickening as it could be yet....your valuable suggestions will give it a nice push in that direction, though........... :D

"Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells you when she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home." .......We love you, captain.

"This is the captain. We may experience some slight turbulence and then.....explode"

www.serenityverse.com - Zoe necklace replicas, Serenity dogtags, jewelry, image gallery w/ custom DVD covers, other goodies!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 4:47 PM

SCHOONER

- Zoe can't cook
- Mal can't get anyone to obey his orders
- Sexually, Simon is completely unskilled
- Simon is a sexual savant, and double-jointed as well
- Simon is a BDSM sub
- Simon is a BDSM dom
- Post-BDM mourning summed up as "Oh, Wash we miss you so much! oh, and yeah, you too, shepherd."

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Friday, August 31, 2007 5:03 PM

:evil grin:

These are awesome. I think the fic is gonna have to be post-BDM, with Book and Wash brought oh-so-cheesily back to life to rejoin the hijinks (and by hijinks I mean an impossible number of shootings and get-togethers and break-ups and capturings and babies).

"Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells you when she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home." .......We love you, captain.

"This is the captain. We may experience some slight turbulence and then.....explode"

www.serenityverse.com - Zoe necklace replicas, Serenity dogtags, jewelry, image gallery w/ custom DVD covers, other goodies!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 6:39 PM

My cartridge fell out of my gun...

Quote:
Originally posted by Sabri3l:
Secretly a genius Jayne ( I once read a fic where he spoke Latin)
*--------------------------------------------*
Forsaken Knitter of Cunning Jayne Hats

*speechless*

Got a few of my own... I had the displeasure to stumble upon these myself.

— River as a hormone ridden sex-bomb
— Kaylee/River eeeh!
— Inara/River
— Badger/River

— Omniscient River
— A young handsome OC who's only purpose is to make a perfect mate for River.
— River mating with the earlier mentionned young handsome OC causes Mal/Jayne/Simon/Kaylee[insert name here] to recognize the full extent of their feelings for River.
— Serenity taking in a passenger who just happens to be a former subject of the Academy.
— Serenity love boat

— Captain "Nobody gives a damn 'bout what I say, my boat is ruled by women" Reynolds
— Overly broody Mal
— Overly virtuous Mal
— Mal/Jayne[insert name here] masturbating over Inara/River/Kaylee/[you know the drill]

That's pretty much all I can conjure up at the moment

EDIT: this is FUN!

EDIT #2:
— Book is not realy a shepherd, he is an Alliance minion who's mission is to monitor the Tams... *yawn*
— River the invulnerable mass murdering chick.

EDIT #3: This is still fun

"Not learning theory is like saying i don't want to communicate with people,
I'll just rub my penis all over their faces." ----John Frusciante ...Lol

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Friday, August 31, 2007 6:52 PM

PEGLEG

How about Book is really a robot?

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 7:32 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Pegleg:
How about Book is really a robot?

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

no thats GENIUS?

a slow zoom as Book opens his chest to reveal whirring tape reels and half an old amstrad pc...

or is he a particular robot?
Jem from Logan's Run...
or C 3-PO hiding in disguise (from a wrathful jedi luke) in a parallel yet oddly more interesting universe - no...
it's Vincent and Bob in a man suit -
or Huey, Dueyy and Luey! etc etc.

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Friday, August 31, 2007 7:41 PM

You are better at dying

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
Quote:
Originally posted by Pegleg:
How about Book is really a robot?

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

no thats GENIUS?

a slow zoom as Book opens his chest to reveal whirring tape reels and half an old amstrad pc...

or is he a particular robot?
Jem from Logan's Run...
or C 3-PO hiding in disguise (from a wrathful jedi luke) in a parallel yet oddly more interesting universe - no...
it's Vincent and Bob in a man suit -
or Huey, Dueyy and Luey! etc etc.

Seems more like wacky fun to me

Aren't we aiming to make this one as lame as it can be?

"Not learning theory is like saying i don't want to communicate with people,
I'll just rub my penis all over their faces." ----John Frusciante ...Lol

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Friday, August 31, 2007 7:42 PM

true - i got distracted. robots are shiny!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 7:53 PM

You are better at dying

That they are!

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Friday, August 31, 2007 8:40 PM

BROWNCOAT2007

Gorramit... I was gunna use the "Wash and Book both mysteriously, and yet utterly cheeseily brought back to life" card... *shakes fist*

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Friday, August 31, 2007 8:46 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by BrownCoat2007:
Gorramit... I was gunna use the "Wash and Book both mysteriously, and yet utterly cheeseily brought back to life" card... *shakes fist*

maybe they could also be, like, an inch high? for that full Land of the Giants painful crossover? their morbid tiny spirits pursued around serenity by the astral travelling spirit of a vengeful miss kitty fantastico?

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 1:26 AM

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What if River was secretly JESUS?!?! The Alliance made her to fight the secret power of Opus Dei, led by the deadly combination of the Hands of Blue, Niska, and Simon's parents, who seek only to fight the army of readers that Simon and Kaylee give birth to after too many BDSM orgies! Meanwhile, Book comes back to life, because he isn't a preacher, but actually a super-intelligent alien sent to spy on us!

Wash doesn't come back though. That would be silly.

-----

Oh, God, I'm down with the ding! I'm in space to fly!

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 1:33 AM

SABRI3L

I got a few more

Firefly/Harry potter crossover (what??! please! no Simon/Draco Malfoy ever again)
Firefly/bladerunner cross over

*--------------------------------------------*
Forsaken Knitter of Cunning Jayne Hats

Hell on wheels
http://www.cafepress.com/Teaanddumplings"> src="

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 3:31 AM

You are better at dying

Quote:
Firefly/Harry potter crossover (what??! please! no Simon/Draco Malfoy ever again)

You have to be joking...

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 4:03 AM

BROWNCOAT2007

O.O ... You are... Jokeing, that is... Right??.... RIGHT!?!?!?!

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 5:28 AM

RIVERFLAN

Quote:
Originally posted by BrainSpecialist:
What if River was secretly JESUS?!?! The Alliance made her to fight the secret power of Opus Dei, led by the deadly combination of the Hands of Blue, Niska, and Simon's parents, who seek only to fight the army of readers that Simon and Kaylee give birth to after too many BDSM orgies! Meanwhile, Book comes back to life, because he isn't a preacher, but actually a super-intelligent alien sent to spy on us!

Wash doesn't come back though. That would be silly.

Uh, I thought the idea was to be silly? But Wash could be a ghost who suddenly becomes this wise old mystic because he's dead, and River is able to channel him when he want to give advice, and after the first time she does this, she becomes sane again.

Yeah, this could work for the awful plot for your story, Jetflair, and you could add in all the other bad stuff too. Maybe you could have people suddenly be split-personalities, to account for having a loving/monster Jayne? and etc, etc for the other crew, too.

Have fun with your story. I just wish I had thought of it first.

River: "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems."

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 1:02 PM

You misunderstand me. When I say "That would be silly", I am in fact making it seem as if the entirety of my 'plot', if anyone could actually call it that, is actually nothing less that sane.

But what if Jayne was a wizard, who had sex with Draco Malfoy and Harrison Ford at the same time?! That would be the best story ever!

The best story ever, that is, if you have a blatant disregard for sanity.

Oh, God, I'm down with the ding! I'm in space to fly!

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 1:41 PM

Ah, but see, if I gave them split personalities, there would actually be a comprehensible *reason* why they are like that....can't have rational explainations mucking up the perfectly horrible fic.

Plot? Plot? Do I see plot suggestions? My poor innocent friends, do you imagine The Worst Fic Ever Written has a *plot*?

By the way, I'm four pages in now...and boy is it *awful*! I am in debt to you all.......

"Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells you when she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home." .......We love you, captain.

"This is the captain. We may experience some slight turbulence and then.....explode"

www.serenityverse.com - Zoe necklace replicas, Serenity dogtags, jewelry, image gallery w/ custom DVD covers, other goodies!

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 2:06 PM

SINGATE

The BDM never happened. It was a dream Wash had while being tortured by Niska.

Jayne is gay. This one is so blatantly obvious. Always working out, loves guns, constant whoring; clearly he's repressing.

Mal is a clone. The real Malcolm Reynolds never lost his faith, in fact he became a shepard after Serenity Valley.

River created the Pax while at the academy. The knowledge of her evil deed is what really drove her crazy.

Inara used to be a man.

Serenity travels to an alternate universe where the crew meets their evil counterparts...all of them sporting evil moustaches of course.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 2:14 PM

Quote:
Inara used to be a man.

:D

Also from a comic someone did on here - a reason to show Wash - he got better. (actually that did work for the comedy moment , so it may not be bad enough - or too far past the sheer badness curve).

Can't wait to read what you get to in the end.

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 2:23 PM

What if...Omigod, what if Mal was a clone...of HIMSELF!!! He pretend to be a preacher, and took up the name Book! Except he was thrown backwards in time for having too little hair. He then came back with lots of hair, and became Book! Except that he then had to go and meet himself, therby causing a temporal paradox, which swallowed the whole of the universe!

Then God gave them all tea because their show got cancelled.

Inara serviced St. Paul.

Right before he found out she was previously a man.

Jayne explodes for no apparent reason.

So does Simon.

Kaylee rapes the moon.

River plays Halo 3000000000000.

Lucky bitch.

Oh, God, I'm down with the ding! I'm in space to fly!

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 2:29 PM

Oh, can we have Book as a former Companion?

This is actually pretty creative, and more or less does fit the facts. But it more or less freaks everyone out.

"This isn't how I was supposed to die. For all the love I spread... Ack!!!"

(I am only suggesting it here because no one else would write it at all, so even in jest, I will take a read. I do think the thought deserves some merit.)

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 2:39 PM

double post

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 2:39 PM

OMG! Can I use it? Can I have Book be a former companion in my horrible fic? That would be awesome!

A super-secret government-trained companion with lethal tactical skills!

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 2:47 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
OMG! Can I use it? Can I have Book be a former companion in my horrible fic? That would be awesome!

A super-secret government-trained companion with lethal tactical skills!

use it all you want.

if you want to read an actual discussion on this go to:

http://stillflying.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=247

Starts at bottom of the page, continuing over to page two.
This post in particular:

http://stillflying.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=4657#4657

I think people "politely" decided to ignore my speculation.

EDIT bumped this topic too:
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=2&t=26238

This still puts a massive grin on my face. It is just so wrong that it has to be written. By someone who can write. (I actually tried and failed.)

I have got a bigger grin now because someone (read Jetflair if she is not creeped off.) may incorporate this into their fic.

EDIT number "n" - please please please use it. I just so want to read that.

On a more creepifying (can there be more creepifying stuff?) I ran across a fic billed as Jayne/Book today (yes there can).

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Saturday, September 1, 2007 4:09 PM

That image is just bizarre.

Okay, Book isn't a companion, but in fact a time-travelling cop in search of the perfect hairdo! Instead, he's captured by Blue Sun, injected with chemicals, and becomes Super Book, where upon he has to save the Princess, who ironically is in another castle.

Oh, God, I'm down with the ding! I'm in space to fly!

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 12:14 AM

Up to 8 pages now.......

I've stolen the "plot" from Drive. Book is a former Companion. There are not one but two Mary Sues, one for Mal and one for Jayne. Jayne's Mary Sue is attracted to men who abuse her, and has Stockholm Syndrome. Mal's Mary Sue, Jetstream, is a horrifically transparent and romanticized version of, of course, me ;)

Here's a peek at the opening:

"Funny thing, sir. Here we sit on the brink of starvation, and a job just dropped out of the sky on us." said Zoe. “Guess things are going our way for once.”

Mal gave a slow smile, nodding in satisfaction. "What sort of a job?"

"The Consortium wants to hire us," said Zoe.

"Exposition, please?" said Mal.

"The Consortium is comprised of a number of wealthy and unscrupulous business people from around the system. Adali Niska, Atherton Wing, Gabriel Tam, Badger, the Companion Guild, Jubal Early, and Saffron. The Operative recommended us for the job."

"Shiny," said Mal. "With this lot, I reckon we should be prepared for a double-cross. Let’s send all vulnerable members of the crew off on their own for a bit while we do this meeting. Make sure they have no backup, and don't warn them anything might be amiss."

~~~~~

River, their new pilot, set them down flawlessly on the backwater planet; not bad for a girl only been flying for a week. She set the controls of the complex ship, docking her and setting the computer overrides with expert control. “Blue hands,” she whispered. “Bad people all through the wind, with badgers and oatmeal come to mimsy the widget.” Her eyes flew open with sudden fear, and she ran from the bridge in tears.

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 5:39 AM

MAL4PREZ

This thread is too funny! I have one bit to add, brought over from the Saffron thread - YoSafBridge is finally driven to showing her *true* vulnerable side, thus becoming yet a third Mary Sue:

"My mother abused me and my father was a drunk and I've had to be a tricky woman to survive but all I really want is to be held by a big strong man like you Jayne/Mal! *sob*"

-----------------------------------------------
hmm-burble-blah, blah-blah-blah, take a left

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 6:34 AM

MERRYK

How about the BDHs having children that are exact copies of various BDHs, especially reader children for Simon or River. Sorry, that never happens in real life so exactly.

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 6:51 AM