Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written by jetflair

Bonus extra:

In the Emerald Isle – DoroFic, FirefLion, The Tin Machine Man and ScaredyFoxx27 confront the GREAT and POWERFUL JOZZ

JOZZ 20.30.oo
Hi, Guys, leave the gifts by the altar.

DoroFic: 20.30.45
Hope you like ‘em!

JOZZ 20.33.oo
I’ll look them over later – tho’ my legal guys tell me...
Anyway – My monkeys – i, uh, i mean munchkins tell me you got a request. Huh?
You hum it, I’ll sing-a-long!

ScaredyFoxx27 20.33.15
Once more with feeling!

DoroFic, FirefLion, Tmm, Scaredyfoxx27 20.33.17

LOL!

JOZZ 21.00.oo
..wotever. C’mon guys...

DoroFic 21.00.o3
We want FireFly back – we want to write it – and we want to go to Universal studios with you!

Tmm 21.00.05
YES!

JOZZ 21.45.oo
Yes. Because that’s absolutely going to happen.

DoroFic: 21.45.o3
You MUST! We brought you gifts! And we have... IDEAS!

JOZZ 22.15.oo
The Dog?? That dog you have there?

DoroFic 22.15.o2
Well I didn’t bring babies this time! Cuz you said – and hey! – that’s Toto!

FirefLion 22.15.o4
Toto rock!

JOZZ 23.17.oo
Bring me the head of the Executive of the West!

Tmm: 23.17.o2
Cool. We’ll need weapon specs. I’ve seen the plans of the Stront9 Rutterduster and Jeez - it just aint got the juice, aint gonna happen!

FirefLion 23.17.o4
Bogus call man. The Stront9 totally has what it takes.

Tmm 23.17.o5
Oh yeh?! Let’s take this thread elsewhere – i’m gonna totally kick your ass!

FirefLion:
23.17.o9
OH YEH?!

DoroFic 23.17.33
I will write FireFly. My series will be called SALVATION.

JOZZ 00.14.oo
Huh? You still here? Listen – there’s no room in my balloon for no damn dog! When i was blacklisted to the emerald isle – I knew it would be hard but – that’s it, I’m off to Limey Land, they LOVE me there.

-ghostvoice of whedonesque-
WEEEE LOOOVEE YOOUU MOORE JOZZZ...
whedonesque creates unfortunate breeze in passing, revealing Joss behind curtain

DoroFic 00.15.oo
AAAH!

Joss 01.00.oo
Zaphod’s just this guy y’know. Ha ha.
Do I still get my gifty? Looks like nice incense to me.

DoroFic 01.00.o2
They’re JOSS-sticks – thought you’d like the joke!

Joss 01.00.55
Nice. So no hard –

EXPLOSION!

DoroFic 01.00.59
And they’re not incense!
Now i WILL write Firefly – it’s all mine heh heh heh!

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 10:25 AM

BRAINSPECIALIST

Explain.

Oh, God, I'm down with the ding! I'm in space to fly!

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 10:43 AM

Ohhh.....maybe I should make Saffron Jayne's Mary Sue? It would make that Mary Sue's already absurd plot premise completely insanely unbelievable, but in this fic, that could be a very good thing.....

Brainspecialist, when I get it finished a bit I'll send it to you for beta. Anyone else want a crack at it? This is, after all, a group project ;)

"Love keeps her in the air...."

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www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 10:59 AM

naah, don't wanna ruin it for the finished product. :P

Another thought - wouldn't having a beta go against what you are intending?

(You probably do want it to be readable though... can't go that far.)

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 11:46 AM

Yeah, I figure it needs to at least be readable, contain semi-correct English, and so forth. I am also going to refrain from making it particularly graphic, in the interests of making it possible for the unfortunate reader to survive to the end of the fic. I realize that by not writing graphic Simon/River slash I am passing up a valuable opportunity in the awful-fic department, but....there are limits. There just are.

But you're right...."beta" implies "quality." Nasty term there.....Maybe I should reserve the ability to post proudly that no beta-reader was involved, ever.

The content warning is going to be hilarious in its own right. Here is what I have just so far:

Content warnings: Sex (lots of it!), character resurrection, incest, Mary Sues, rape, random crossovers, torture, non-canon pairings, BDSM, m/f, m/m slash.

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 11:52 AM

Oh, do we get a time reset?

That is probably the most hated thing ever. And it is actually used all the time even on real tv shows.

(Either sunset beach - ("it was a all a dream") or a space time paradox).

And we need an evil twin.

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 12:01 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by nbz:
or a space time paradox).

And we need an evil twin.

Mal/Caleb
two strikes on yr cliche list - and one on jetflairs (for which i have paid the price!).
that's a hattrick that has to happen in my book!

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 12:21 PM

Ohhh, I know! Mal is being held by merciless bad guy #5. Wash (resurrected by the Academy and returned to Serenity earlier in the story) walks in, tortures Mal a little, and then introduces himself as Wash's evil twin, mad because Mal got Wash killed. Wash's evil twin kills Inara in front of Mal.

Mal then wakes up and realizes that he hallucinated the whole thing, and that in reality he's still just sitting there in the clutches of bad guy #5.

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 12:35 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Ohhh, I know! Mal is being held by merciless bad guy #5. Wash (resurrected by the Academy and returned to Serenity earlier in the story) walks in, tortures Mal a little, and then introduces himself as Wash's evil twin, mad because Mal got Wash killed. Wash's evil twin kills Inara in front of Mal.

Mal then summons HIS evil twin and - battle is joined!

Quote:
Mal then wakes up and realizes that he hallucinated the whole thing, and that in reality he's still just sitting there in the clutches of bad guy #5.

whose hostage - mal's illegitimate offspring by zoe - is torturing Mal with Wash's dinosaurs. (hence battle dream)

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 1:50 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Ohhh, I know! Mal is being held by merciless bad guy #5. Wash (resurrected by the Academy and returned to Serenity earlier in the story) walks in, tortures Mal a little, and then introduces himself as Wash's evil twin, mad because Mal got Wash killed. Wash's evil twin kills Inara in front of Mal.

Mal then summons HIS evil twin and - battle is joined!

Quote:
Mal then wakes up and realizes that he hallucinated the whole thing, and that in reality he's still just sitting there in the clutches of bad guy #5.
whose hostage - mal's illegitimate offspring by zoe - is torturing Mal with Wash's dinosaurs. (hence battle dream)

Yeah, and here's some more details.

Mal's offspring by Zoe has to look EXACTLY like Wash, except he has a huge black mustace and has already grown up because of a time-warp thingy, and has lustful feeling towards Mal. Meanwhile, Saffron realizes that her true love isn't Jayne, but Mal's son (lets name him Billy-Bob).

Meanwhile, Book rapes Inara, as part of his evil plot: He's actually an evil alien robot who's mission is to plant the aliens (which look like stands of spaggetti covered in meatball sauce) into people's bodies so they can have host bodies and rule the galaxy and eventually the 'verse.

Bok did actually serve time as a companion, but then retiered right before folk could link the weird behavior of his clients with him.

Jetflair, I think it is okay to have a plot for this story, you can mismach them all into one hilarious read! Here's an idea for how to do that:

Okay, there's all sorts of parallel universes, and the one thing they have in common is Serenity and most of the crew. You can write all the adventures of the various 'verse crews, and have them all meet and then have the finale!

I can't wait to read his. This thread is already way funny!

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 1:55 PM

I seriously can't see this turning into a bad read.

What's the worst that could happen?

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 2:01 PM

No, havig a beta means we all get a crack at making this thing even worse then what it was! And I wanna beta too! Please please please with the primary buffer panel on top?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 2:19 PM

Okay, Mary-Saffron-Sue is official:

Alex Tully almost crashed his Charger-class ship in his hurry to land. With the secret illegal cross-universe space race organizers holding his wife hostage, he wanted to unload the extra passengers his conscience had forced him to accept and get to the next checkpoint in a hurry.

“Get out,” he ordered his passengers.

Misti swept back her red hair eyes and smiled. “Thank you." She checked the stock of grenades in her bag and fingered the bruise on her cheek.

Brutus had loved her; it wasn’t his fault he kept beating her after he broke her and Wash out of that horrible Alliance academy. She wondered if he truly meant all those threats about finding her and slitting her throat if she ever left him. Misti gathered her effects and motioned to Wash. “Come on, sweetheart."

~~~~~

Danger was the last thing Misti sensed before Jayne hit her in the head with a branch. She awoke bound helplessly in Serenity's cargo hold, a large knife tracing down her leg. She looked at the large, muscular man with a stirring in her thighs. She had time to appreciate the manly stubble on Jayne's chin before he pressed the knife to her neck and twisted it, opening a thin line of crimson in her milky white skin. The fear gave her a pleasurable thrill.

“What are you doing with Wash?” asked Jayne. "And since when is he - um - you know - alive?"

“Um – I could tell you,” interjected Wash. “You know, instead of the whole interrogation thing?”

“But – I wanna interrogate her,” said Jayne with a leer. He pressed the knife a little deeper. "And – other things."

Mal stepped forward. "Enough. Wash, what's your story?" Jayne rocked back on his heels with a grunt and shoved Binky back in her sheath. Misti relaxed, looking at him with sudden deep affection and trust. He'd held the power to hurt her, but his innate kindness would never let him do such a thing.

Wash smiled. "I think she saved me from a fate worse than death. The Alliance took me away after the crash and rebuilt my insides in a special secret program, but they didn't let me go. The Academy where River was experimented on? Yeah, they sent me there. Wanted to see if they could rebuild my grey matter too."

Zoe hugged him even more tightly, and he kissed her softly. "It wasn't so horrible at first, but then – baby, you know how scared I am of needles? They strapped me down and started trying to stick the Giant Needles from Hell in my head, and it tickled, and–" he started sobbing uncontrollably and buried his head against his wife’s chest.

“It’s okay, honey-bunches-of-oats,” she soothed. “You’re going to be okay.”

"I want my dinosaurs," sobbed Wash.

"So, Yo-Saff-Brig," said Mal, kneeling at the bound woman's side. "I got the pleasure of welcoming you aboard my ship yet again. Tell me, what's your name this time?"

"Misty," she said, trying to fling her hair defiantly. A strand got stuck in her eye, and she started blinking furiously. "A little help, here?" she snapped. "Hello, tied up here, can't…"

Mal brushed the hair out of her eye with a slight grin, and she pressed her face against his hand. "Thank you, sweetie," she said, nuzzling it tenderly. "I've missed you."

"I'll bet," said Mal. "You do seem to enjoy seeing me without my clothes on. But that's entirely beside the point. The point is, you're back on my ship, and I don't like it. Since when are you Academy material, and when'd you go from kicking Wash in the head to saving him from fates worse than death?"

"I wanted to become a trained government killing machine, but when they put Wash in the room next to me – he was such a true prodigy of innocent love and sweetness that I couldn't let the bad men hurt him. That, and they started sticking needles in my nose. I don't like needles."

"Something we have in common, it turns out," said Wash.

Mal nodded. "Well, Misti, I'm much obliged to you. Jayne, untie her and give her free run of the ship."

"Love keeps her in the air...."

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 2:20 PM

SCHOONER

Quote:
Originally posted by nbz:
I seriously can't see this turning into a bad read.

What's the worst that could happen?

...kinda like that

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 2:26 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:
No, havig a beta means we all get a crack at making this thing even worse then what it was! And I wanna beta too! Please please please with the primary buffer panel on top?

Okay - just so long as the primary buffer panel has an evil twin who used to be a companion

When did my silly little prank story get to be 14 pages already?

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 2:26 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Brutus had loved her; it wasn’t his fault he kept beating her after he broke her and Wash out of that horrible Alliance academy. She wondered if he truly meant all those threats about finding her and slitting her throat if she ever left him.

I feel honoured.

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 3:03 PM

PEGLEG

how about Mal grows an evil mustache? Yeah.... and it tells him to make prank calls to pizza joints or something lame like that.....

(also, any idea when it might be finished? I want to read this.)

(more parenthesis: is Book gonna be a robot?

)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 3:28 PM

Not sure exactly when it's going to be done - it keeps growing! It's a monster! But I will keep posting bits here in the meantime.....

Book is currently a companion, not a robot. However, I would not write off the possibility of his becoming a robot companion - a love bot, so to speak?

-Wash has an evil twin.
-In Mal's fevered nightmare.
-Also in Mal's fevered nightmare, Wash's evil twin draws a palm tree and a dinosaur on Mal's chest with a red-hot poker.
-Kaylee is carrying Niska'a baby.
-Zoe is carrying Wash's baby, who will look exactly like him

"Take us out of the world, Wash," said Mal, grinning. It had been a good day. Wash and Book were back, and he'd only gotten tortured once since yesterday. Thanks to Book, he'd no longer have to endure Zoe's cooking.

River came flying out of the pilot's chair in tears. "You're replacing me? You're firing me? What's wrong with me, Captain Daddy? I wanna fly the ship."

Mal patted her on the shoulder. "You're a fine pilot, my little albatross. But now that Wash ain't dead any longer, I'd be more comfortable not having a little crazy girl piloting my ship."

River glared at Wash. "I hate you!" With that, she stormed off the bridge.

Mal followed, deeply concerned that he might have bruised her feelings. “I met your father today,” said Mal. “I never guessed he was evil incarnate. Makes me brood, thinking about your having to grow up with him. Suddenly I see why Simon is so prim and proper at all times except when he and I are enjoying double-jointed sado-masochistic sex."

"I wanted the castle!" she shrieked. "Castles are for Christmas, and when the peanut butter doesn't believe, the parasitological balances implode!" With that, she ran to her cabin.

Mal walked into the dining room, where preparations were under way to throw a party to celebrate Wash's return. The mood was festive, despite everything that was going horribly wrong. Book was cooking, delicious scents wafting from the galley. Kaylee was stringing a hand-painted banner reading, "Welcome Back to Life, Wash!" across the doorway and tying balloons to the chairs.

Zoe was patting her stomach proudly, and she stood to embrace her husband when he walked in. "We're going to have a baby, sweetheart," she whispered. "He's going to look exactly like you."

"Exactly – as in exactly like me with a mustache, or without?" asked Wash.

"Without," said Zoe firmly.

Kaylee sat heavily, her eyes filling with tears. "What if my baby looks exactly like Niska?"

"Oh, sweetie," said Zoe, rubbing her on the shoulder.

Mal sat at Kaylee's side. "Not the looks I'd worry about so much as what'd happen if Niska sues for visitation rights. Could get nasty."

River walked in with her head held high, refusing to look at Wash. Simon followed, casting a worried glance at Kaylee. He came over and joined Mal at her side. "Congratulations," he said stiffly. "The pregnancy test came back positive. So, you really will be killing a little unborn baby Niska if you opt to take that pill."

Kaylee started sobbing audibly, and River stuck her tongue out at Simon. "You boob."

Mal looked at Simon with fascination. "Say, those pills. If I was to take them, would I be killing a baby Niska each time? I might take an interest in that…."

Misti and Jayne walked in arm in arm, giggling like teenagers. As Jayne sat, Misti broke away and wrapped her arms around Mal. "I hope you don't see this as cheating, sweetheart. After all, you did break up with me, I tried to make it work, but-"

"We're just not meant for each other," said Mal. "I get it. Live long and procreate, everyone else on the ship's doin' it."

"I don't wanna prostate-thing," protested Jayne. He wrapped Misti in a bear-hug. "I wanna make babies. Lots of 'em."

Book started setting delicious plates of steaming plates in front of them. "To Wash!" they shouted, raising their glasses with a cheer.

"To Wash," echoed Book. "Say, how come nobody threw a party like this for me on my first night back?"

Puzzled glances ensued. "Huh," said Mal. "Never thought of it." They all shrugged, and the party went on.

"To Inara," toasted Wash. "May she not be suffering too horribly in her captivity at the hands of Atherton Wing."

"To Inara," said Mal weakly. A moment later he stood. "I'm gonna wander back to my cabin and brood a bit."

River’s eyes filled with tears as she felt Mal’s pain at Inara’s kidnapping, Kaylee’s rape, and the burns and cuts and bruises that covered his body. She followed him do the door of his cabin. “I’m an empath,” she whispered. “I know how to soothe the hurt deep within your soul.”

Mal felt lust stirring within him, mixed with guilt. “Remember, I’m eighteen and extraordinarily intelligent,” she reminded him, reading his thoughts. “And of course I don’t mind that you’ve slept with Simon. I have too.”

“Then I’m game,” whispered Mal, kissing her. “My extremely painful injuries shouldn’t interfere with sex at all. I need to escape for a night with someone else to distract me from how much I realize I’m in love with Inara, now that she might die horribly.”

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 3:36 PM

PEGLEG

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:

"I wanted the castle!" she shrieked. "Castles are for Christmas, and when the peanut butter doesn't believe, the parasitological balances implode!" With that, she ran to her cabin.

Nothing like good ol' moonbrain River Tam.

(on a side note, didn't et to comment on your losing side fanfic - love it

)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 3:40 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Not sure exactly when it's going to be done - it keeps growing! It's a monster! But I will keep posting bits here in the meantime.....
/B]

this is all so damn fine! it's like the blooper reel and easter egg - if the blue sun room was a dvd.
laughing too hard to swallow properly now. thanks JF

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 4:08 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:
No, havig a beta means we all get a crack at making this thing even worse then what it was! And I wanna beta too! Please please please with the primary buffer panel on top?

Okay - just so long as the primary buffer panel has an evil twin who used to be a companion

When did my silly little prank story get to be 14 pages already?

14 pages is a good thing! And did you mean that primary buffer panel thing literally?! (or maybe you should include that into your story? That would be hilarious!) It could be the one implanting the spaggetti aliens!

Or am I being excessively silly?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 4:18 PM

MOBBEX

You are better at dying
I'm pleased that you have managed to incorporate an atrocious amount of awkward, creepy or downright incestuous fanfic cliche in your story. It's even worse than I had hoped! I'm in awe

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 4:21 PM

Jetflair: You've got an insonsistancy (however the hell you spell that) At the top of the page, Yo-Saff-Bridge's name is Misti, but lower down the page it reverts to Misty. You might wanna fix that.

Just a heads-up. Don't wanna seem rude or anything.

This story is FUNNY!

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 5:09 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Pegleg:

(on a side note, didn't et to comment on your losing side fanfic - love it )

Thank you so much - that fic is my baby

However, even it shall not escape unscathed by The Most Awful Fic Ever Written

Quote:
Originally posted by Mobbex:

I'm pleased that you have managed to incorporate an atrocious amount of awkward, creepy or downright incestuous fanfic cliche in your story. It's even worse than I had hoped! I'm in awe

Thank you! :happy dance: And you haven't even seen the rest of the 14 pages... :evil"

Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:

Just a heads-up. Don't wanna seem rude or anything.

This story is FUNNY!

Not rude at all - thanks!

So.....I've just realized what my goal should be with this fic. You know the unwritten rule in the Blue Sun Room that no story shall ever be rated under an 8 unless it's written in Armenian by a third-grader about Little Bo Peep's chicken? Well, it's time to violate that tradition. I want this story rated no higher than a 2!

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 5:13 PM

MOBBEX

You are better at dying
Count on it!

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 5:24 PM

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Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
about Little Bo Peep's chicken?

little bo peep's CHICKEN?!?! that HAS to go in!

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Sunday, September 2, 2007 5:53 PM

NCBROWNCOAT

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Yeah, I figure it needs to at least be readable, contain semi-correct English, and so forth. I am also going to refrain from making it particularly graphic, in the interests of making it possible for the unfortunate reader to survive to the end of the fic. I realize that by not writing graphic Simon/River slash I am passing up a valuable opportunity in the awful-fic department, but....there are limits. There just are.

But you're right...."beta" implies "quality." Nasty term there.....Maybe I should reserve the ability to post proudly that no beta-reader was involved, ever.

The content warning is going to be hilarious in its own right. Here is what I have just so far:

Content warnings: Sex (lots of it!), character resurrection, incest, Mary Sues, rape, random crossovers, torture, non-canon pairings, BDSM, m/f, m/m slash.

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

Jet,
I just found this thread and just about died laughing.

I thought you'd forgotten slash until just a few moments ago. I absolutley hate it. The possible combinations for male slash are:

Mal/Simon
Mal/Wash undead of course.
Mal/Jayne horrifying concept
Mal/Book ?????? I thought Book was celibate let alone dead.

Simon/Wash
Simon/Jayne
Simon/Mal
Simon/Book

Jayne/Mal
Jayne/Simon
Jayne/Wash
Jayne/Book Maybe there was more going on than lifting weights?

Wash/Mal
Wash/Simon
Wash/Jayne
Wash/Book

Book/Mal
Book/Simon
Book/Jayne
Book/Wash

I haven't even gone into the female ones.

Also Gabriel and Regan Tam all of a sudden understanding River and Simon and suddenly becoming perfect parents.

http://fireflyfaninnc.livejournal.com/

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Monday, September 3, 2007 5:24 AM

SABRI3L

Unfortunately no

*--------------------------------------------*
Forsaken Knitter of Cunning Jayne Hats

Hell on wheels
http://www.cafepress.com/Teaanddumplings"> src="

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Monday, September 3, 2007 6:44 AM

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Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Quote:
Originally posted by Pegleg:

(on a side note, didn't et to comment on your losing side fanfic - love it )

Thank you so much - that fic is my baby However, even it shall not escape unscathed by The Most Awful Fic Ever Written

Quote:
Originally posted by Mobbex:

I'm pleased that you have managed to incorporate an atrocious amount of awkward, creepy or downright incestuous fanfic cliche in your story. It's even worse than I had hoped! I'm in awe

Thank you! :happy dance: And you haven't even seen the rest of the 14 pages...

Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:

Just a heads-up. Don't wanna seem rude or anything.

This story is FUNNY!

Not rude at all - thanks!

So.....I've just realized what my goal should be with this fic. You know the unwritten rule in the Blue Sun Room that no story shall ever be rated under an 8 unless it's written in Armenian by a third-grader about Little Bo Peep's chicken? Well, it's time to violate that tradition. I want this story rated no higher than a 2!

No prob. You want me to vote just once or vote lots of times? And do I vote a 2 or a 1?

Keep going!

And I really want you to incorporate those spaggetti aliens, thats just too lame and ridiculous! And maybe they don't take over your brain, just your hand! Puppitis disease!

And maybe one of the crew can get Tom Smith Disease... lol (I nominate Book

)

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 5:56 AM

TINADOLL

please let there be a gaggle of Mary-Sue's in this story

Please please please

Edit- that die a horrible and gastly death

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 8:52 AM

SABRI3L

Now I don't think its quite fair to lump all slash pairings into the "awful" category.

*--------------------------------------------*
Forsaken Knitter of Cunning Jayne Hats

Hell on wheels
http://www.cafepress.com/Teaanddumplings"> src="

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 9:26 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Tinadoll:
please let there be a gaggle of Mary-Sue's in this story

Please please please

Edit- that die a horrible and gastly death

There are two - Saffron mischaracterized as a Mary Sue who falls in love with the tender, loving thug and dies, and Jetstream, who will be so perfect your eyes will bleed, but her heroic death will take care of that

I had to take a day off from this but I'm back at it now :D

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 9:30 AM

TINADOLL

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Quote:
Originally posted by Tinadoll:
please let there be a gaggle of Mary-Sue's in this story

Please please please

Edit- that die a horrible and gastly death

There are two - Saffron mischaracterized as a Mary Sue who falls in love with the tender, loving thug and dies, and Jetstream, who will be so perfect your eyes will bleed, but her heroic death will take care of that

I had to take a day off from this but I'm back at it now :D

hahaha. Heroes death HAHAHA
I just spit soda and now eagerly await this new story.

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 9:39 AM

MAL4PREZ

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
There are two - Saffron mischaracterized as a Mary Sue who falls in love with the tender, loving thug and dies,

woo-hoo! I got an idea in!! Just doing all I can to get that rating down to a one, jetflair!

Quote:
and Jetstream, who will be so perfect your eyes will bleed, but her heroic death will take care of that

Hmm... jetstream... jetflair... jet...

OK, I know you already said it was a fictional you, but I had to point it out in case anyone misses it LOL!

-----------------------------------------------
hmm-burble-blah, blah-blah-blah, take a left

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 9:48 AM

SCHOONER

In case you run out of cheesy back stories:

Wash is actually a product of a previous Academy. They were attempting to create the perfect fighter pilot. They succeeded with Wash, but their behavior conditioning was not as advanced; the best they could do was give him a dinosaur fetish and horrible fashion sense. They finally just blanked his memory and set him loose out of embarrassment. Oh, and he's really Gabriel Tam's brother.

EDIT: Heck, ALL of the crew are Academy products released "into the wild" for study. They were all implanted with behavioral conditioning to seek out and join the crew of a Firefly-class transport, which is why all of them loved Serenity at first site. The exception, of course, is Zoe. She's secretly working as an Alliance psychology graduate student, monitoring the experiment.

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 2:37 PM

STINKINGROSE

Feel free to go raid my fics for cliches and nauseating sentimentality. No, really.

I saw M/M slash listed. That would be Mal all by himself?

I MUST read this when it's done, because I want to snork my brain out my nose and suck it back in my ears from laughing so hard.

Cult classic "B" fic on the way, whoo-hoo!!!

We definitely need some gratuitous nekkid people. The whole gang gets drunk or somehow drugged (anybody remember STNG?) and has an orgy. That would take care of all the pairings!

How many saccharin declarations of eternal love can you fit into one work?

And you absolutely cannot intentionally include any humor, witty repartee, or truly sneaky surprises. There should be no traces of Joss ANYWHERE. Unless you can write it just like he would if he was sending up his own work.

EDIT
And alien abductions with rectal probes. Possibly enjoyed by the detainee(s) just to add to the shudder factor.

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 3:05 PM

BROWNCOAT2007

Quote:
Originally posted by schooner:
In case you run out of cheesy back stories:

Wash is actually a product of a previous Academy. They were attempting to create the perfect fighter pilot. They succeeded with Wash, but their behavior conditioning was not as advanced; the best they could do was give him a dinosaur fetish and horrible fashion sense. They finally just blanked his memory and set him loose out of embarrassment. Oh, and he's really Gabriel Tam's brother.

EDIT: Heck, ALL of the crew are Academy products released "into the wild" for study. They were all implanted with behavioral conditioning to seek out and join the crew of a Firefly-class transport, which is why all of them loved Serenity at first site. The exception, of course, is Zoe. She's secretly working as an Alliance psychology graduate student, monitoring the experiment.

...ZOMG!!! *laughs so hard he falls off his chair*

Ok... if this DOESN'T somehow make it into the fic, someone PLEASE pick this idea up!!! It will be the one of the best fics I'd have the chance to enjoy, seeing as the most Awful Fic Ever Written will be on that list, just for pure laugh inducing/cringe inducing moments

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 3:12 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:

I saw M/M slash listed. That would be Mal all by himself?

BADGER - cockney rhyming slang: Badger baiter.

Quote:
There should be no traces of Joss ANYWHERE.

but badger y'see - joss - all joss...

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 3:37 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
I saw M/M slash listed. That would be Mal all by himself?

LOL - it *was* supposed to mean male/male....but thanks to you, it must now also mean Mal all by himself because your question made me laugh so hard!

Quote:

We definitely need some gratuitous nekkid people. The whole gang gets drunk or somehow drugged (anybody remember STNG?) and has an orgy. That would take care of all the pairings!

No orgy (yet). But, lots of gratuitous naked people and sex running rampant through the halls of Serenity.

Quote:

How many saccharin declarations of eternal love can you fit into one work?

Well, let's see.....at least six?

Probably more. Jayne alone will be declaring it for SaffronMistiMarySue *and* Kaylee. Mal for Inara and the All-Glorious Jetstream. Simon for Kaylee.

Quote:

And alien abductions with rectal probes. Possibly enjoyed by the detainee(s) just to add to the shudder factor.

Oohh, irresistible! Let's see, who on Serenity would most relish a good rectal probing? Simon?

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 3:41 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by schooner:
In case you run out of cheesy back stories:

Wash is actually a product of a previous Academy. They were attempting to create the perfect fighter pilot. They succeeded with Wash, but their behavior conditioning was not as advanced; the best they could do was give him a dinosaur fetish and horrible fashion sense. They finally just blanked his memory and set him loose out of embarrassment. Oh, and he's really Gabriel Tam's brother.

:snork: Okay, I have to do this. Man is Wash getting a workout in this story! Raised from the dead, having a baby, gaining an evil twin, a brother, and graduating not once but twice from the Academy! Sweet!

Book is a companion and pastafarian ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster). He left the field of companioning after a pirate (Mal) came to him in a dream and told him he should stop breaking the eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts, particularly Number Eight. There really is a flying spaghetti monster, and he uses Book to do His bidding – namely to deliver Simon to Him for a good rectal probing to see if he is the new Chosen One.

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 4:11 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Quote:
Originally posted by schooner:
In case you run out of cheesy back stories:

:snork: Okay, I have to do this. Man is Wash getting a workout in this story! Raised from the dead, having a baby, gaining an evil twin, a brother, and graduating not once but twice from the Academy! Sweet!

don't forget that whilst at the academy wash was CLONED - a vast legion of wash's clones (known as socks) now waits for the evil emperor (also wash) to give the command to invade.

Quote:
Book is a companion and pastafarian ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster). He left the field of companioning after a pirate (Mal) came to him in a dream

leaving the way open for another pirates of the carribean cross over... albeit with pasta over tones.

keep up this fine and noble effort JF - the fleet looks to you!

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 5:34 PM

SCHOONER

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
leaving the way open for another pirates of the carribean cross over... albeit with pasta over tones.

Another? I thought mine was the only one. Cool! Where are the others?

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 5:39 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by schooner:
Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
leaving the way open for another pirates of the carribean cross over... albeit with pasta over tones.

Another? I thought mine was the only one. Cool! Where are the others?

thought you might like to cook up a sequel!

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007 10:01 PM

Soo.....now it appears the torturing Mal fad in the BSR may start getting replaced with a hanging Mal fad. Interesting. I swear we all secretly hate the poor guy.... Maybe I should hang him at least once in this as well?

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
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Wednesday, September 5, 2007 12:15 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Soo.....now it appears the torturing Mal fad in the BSR may start getting replaced with a hanging Mal fad. Interesting. I swear we all secretly hate the poor guy.... Maybe I should hang him at least once in this as well?

it could be a recurring musical number ala 'Always like on the bright site of life'... from monty python. of course each time he gets hung - he comes back again - but he... comes back... wrong...

only river knows this - it causes her to freak out in a frenetic display of visions and flashdance style musical movements.

to be cont... by somebody...

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Wednesday, September 5, 2007 2:38 AM

MAL4PREZ

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Soo.....now it appears the torturing Mal fad in the BSR may start getting replaced with a hanging Mal fad. Interesting. I swear we all secretly hate the poor guy.... Maybe I should hang him at least once in this as well?

Hung, drawn, quartered, and let's not forget driven insane a time or two LOL!

-----------------------------------------------
hmm-burble-blah, blah-blah-blah, take a left

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Wednesday, September 5, 2007 2:53 AM