Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written by jetflair

Inara is a vampire. She could start a spdetective spagency and ...

Oh, wait, that line has probably been crossed before.

Nevermind.

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Friday, September 7, 2007 12:01 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
Inara is a vampire. She could start a spdetective spagency and ...

Oh, wait, that line has probably been crossed before.

Nevermind.

No, go on, the whole point of this is to cross lines! Especially ridiculous lines!

And, Jetflair, I really want the spaggetti aliens on this too! Please?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

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Friday, September 7, 2007 12:40 PM

NBZ

Oh, we also need a crossover with Dune.

The hands of Blue are addicted to spice. Instead of their eyes turning blue their hands did...

Mal finds out that he is a child of some evil Harkonnen. Simon finds out that he is an Atreides, his sister the final child in the search for the final Kizart Haderach. Oh and Atreides are mortal enemies of Harkonnens. Have been so for what? a mere 15,000 years. So, naturally Mal kills Simon.

Inara is a Bene gesserit witch sent to spy on and try to control River. River finds out and rebels.

Mal goes to a token water planet (Osiris) to destroy the Atreides line, while River has to go to a tropical rainforest world (called Papooine) to learn Yoga from a master Jedus. Upon perfecting the art of Yoga, she is totally sane, and can speak the queens English.

Oh, and since she is THE final kwizart, she is now also perfect in every way. She can see what everyone will do, is stronger and smarter than everyone else as well.

She uses her powers in a dastardly plan for an all encompassing lovefest where everyone decides to get on together. Forever and ever and ever.

I doesn't matter that Mal decided to Kill Simon. All is at piece now. (yes I hate HATE HATE scifi pacifism. I want them to destroy each other. Reading 13 books in a series that ends that way? Well, just be glad I did not really enjoy the series. I just wanted some closure, no matter how bad it was. I am not bitter. Honest. Why does no one believe me?)

Oh, I forgot to introduce Moya. or Agent smith. Or the Architect. Do we need HAL to make an appearance? (That robot from Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy is awesome though. Can't use him in worse fic ever. I think hotpoint used a very similar robot in his war epic. But gave it nukes. and made it a ship.)

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Friday, September 7, 2007 12:55 PM

Ming. The Merciless.

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Friday, September 7, 2007 12:57 PM

nbz - you freakin genius you!

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Friday, September 7, 2007 1:10 PM

NBZ

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
Ming. The Merciless.

With Jayne as Flash. Flash Gordon.

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Friday, September 7, 2007 4:09 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by nbz:
Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
Ming. The Merciless.

With Jayne as Flash. Flash Gordon.

Yeah, you could have Jayne and Flash merge into one being, causing Yo-Saff-Misti to abandon Jayne/Flash and go corrupt Book, who immediately goes to the Special Hell since he dies in that act of sin. And he can't get reserected.

Please please include the spaggetti aliens? Or give one of the crew Tom Smith Disease?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

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Saturday, September 8, 2007 7:35 AM

SPACEANJL

nbz wrote:
Friday, September 07, 2007 12:40
Oh, we also need a crossover with Dune.

...I knew if I made BG/Companion comparisons often enough it would hurt someone's mind.

I am now having visions of Mal and Jayne riding sandworms. This is actually more sane than the idea that I was writing.

Actually, I have a nasty feeling that with my penchant for raiding book and film, virtually everything I have written qualifies for either this fic, a Mary-Sue Award or a Section 8. Bwah!

*creeps away again in shame*

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Saturday, September 8, 2007 12:55 PM

Yes, but your Mary Sues read better than some people's stringent efforts at chanelling Joss without introducing any outside influence or characters and having nothing but serious peril.

Give me well written and engaging whacked stuff any day!

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Sunday, September 9, 2007 6:17 AM

SPACEANJL

Mary-Sue? Where? What? *guilty look* I wrote that?

I do try and stringently channel Joss. It's just...the other voices come and want to play, too.

Guess what? I've been reading Lovecraft...

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Sunday, September 9, 2007 11:54 AM

uh oh.

(all apparently guilty of commiting mary sue by definition?)
(raises hand

)

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Monday, September 10, 2007 10:57 AM

REAVERMAN

You should name Zoe and Wash's baby Hoban. He will be a talking baby with mommy issues and a dinosaur fetish that gets shot 30 years into the past and grows up to be... WASH!!! Wash is his own father!!!

"I refuse to submit,
To the god you say is kind.
I know what's right, and it is time,
It's time to fight, and free our minds!

Our spirits were forged in snow and ice,
To bend like steel forged over fire.
We were not made to bend like reed,
Or to turn the other cheek!"

- from the song "Thousand Years of Opression" by Amon Amarth

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007 3:35 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Eeew.....not sure I can figure out how to have him survive being drawn and quartered. :shudder:

:Holds Mal protectively:

You could have Simon/River/Kaylee/Zoe/Whoever stitch him up. With a bit of fringe from his "buddha" outfit maybe

.

Please please please put either the spaggetti worms in or give one of the crew Tom Smith disease. That's all I ask.

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007 12:44 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Eeew.....not sure I can figure out how to have him survive being drawn and quartered. :shudder:

plant his remains in the desert - he comes back as a giant sand worm god emperor of firefly!

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007 12:51 PM

of course - while in the transmutational state he meets multiple saintly types and passes on great wisdom from john lennon, ghandi, sarek, THE AUTHOR, and shirley maclaine...

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007 2:39 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
of course - while in the transmutational state he meets multiple saintly types and passes on great wisdom from john lennon, ghandi, sarek, THE AUTHOR, and shirley maclaine...

Include Sonny in on that too, please (the smart robot in iRobot, that has Alan's voice)

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007 4:22 PM

SCHOONER

Hey, what about accents?

"Cap'n what'r ya doin'? We jus' cain't leave'em stran'd!

"Hush, lil Kaylee. We jus' gotta git a bit'a distance 'tween us'n'em fer now"

Kaylee sounding like an extra from Hee-Haw.
Mal sounding like an extra from Bonanza.
Jayne either just grunting, or sounding like some weird mix of Texas and Brooklyn.
Simon using British figures of speech.

Gotta be in there somewhere, y'know

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Thursday, September 13, 2007 8:38 AM

damn straight l'il schooner...

and i was finkin' also along the linesa cute cockerney potenshal slayeahs like molly, innit.

also: riverflan can sonny count twice if he comes with cher?

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Thursday, September 13, 2007 4:22 PM

Sure!

Maybe Sonny can be Wash's reincarnated form... The alliance somehow puts his personality into a robot (Sonny), and he gets Zoe pregnant while in robot form, so his son is a cyborg with the ability to travel though time! Of course, the first thing the son does, is miraculously grow to be 30 years old, and then sweeps Saffron off her feet, so she's trying to date two guys at once, Jayne and Wash's son, and gets discovered. It's okay, because they both discover they're bi-sexual, and so they form a three-some of bed partners.

And Badger is Niska's son! I just now realized this

Remember, the spaggetti worms or the Tom Smith Disease, please!

if you do it, jetflair!

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

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Friday, September 14, 2007 2:30 PM

MOBBEX

Agh... huh... This is the most... evil... twisted... just... What is wrong with you?!

I just can't abide Rayne. Or River/anybody. Or Jayne/anybody. That just doesn't make sense. And I don't think Joss ment for his wonderful creation to end up as a love-boat with a slightly different setting that other love-boats. Joss didn't do that in the show, or the movie, so why do you people assume that it would have happened? ----Riverflan

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Friday, September 14, 2007 3:11 PM

REAVERMAN

Quote:
Originally posted by Mobbex:
Agh... huh... This is the most... evil... twisted... just... What is wrong with you?!

Ain't that kinda the point?

[img]

[/img]

"I refuse to submit,
To the god you say is kind.
I know what's right, and it is time,
It's time to fight, and free our minds!

Our spirits were forged in snow and ice,
To bend like steel forged over fire.
We were not made to bend like reed,
Or to turn the other cheek!"

- from the song "Thousand Years of Opression" by Amon Amarth

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Friday, September 14, 2007 3:12 PM

REAVERMAN

Aaarrrgghhhh! Damn you, double post!!!

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Friday, September 14, 2007 11:28 PM

Sorry I've been absent - that cursed thing called real life intervened :( It's still intervening, but I wanted to let y'all know I'm still most eager to do this ;)

"Love keeps her in the air...."

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Friday, September 14, 2007 11:47 PM

good! (slave driver wytch!)

hope real life is working out - not just working.
stay shiny:)

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Saturday, September 15, 2007 11:02 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Mobbex:
Agh... huh... This is the most... evil... twisted... just... What is wrong with you?!

Well, I've been known to be subjected to fits of temporary inasnity, so...

Or, the other explanation is that I have multiple personalities, if you prefer that one

Well, with all these twisted, wrong, and sick "plot" ideas, we are all pretty much guaranteed an awful fic. Lets hear it for jetflair, for coming up with this idea and letting us all have fun with it!

Edit: Just a comment, Mobbex: So you say that about that "plot" idea I had, and not my other ones, or anyone elses? Just wondering what causes that.

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

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Saturday, September 15, 2007 11:19 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Quote:
Originally posted by nbz:
Looks really interesting. (and I am glad you added the bit about a job going south.)

I can't really add to the list though. I am not creative enough.

:channels Kaylee:
The whole point is, it ain't creative ;)

I want no spark of originality or inspiration in the whole gorram thing :D

Oops. So does that mean that our twisted but wildly creative "plot" ideas will never be used?
:(

And Tom Smith Disease, please. It's an out-of-context/universe apperance just because maybe the wonderful author finds it cool?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

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Saturday, September 15, 2007 6:59 PM

MOBBEX

Quote:
Mobbex: So you say that about that "plot" idea I had, and not my other ones, or anyone elses? Just wondering what causes that.

I was indeed refering to that "plot" idea you had. I was awestruck by its sheer wickedness. And It had me laughing lots, which is always a treat.

If you (as in: your multiple selfs

) happen to have any other episodes of amoral, depraved, or naughty inspiration, I strongly encourage you to share them!

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Saturday, September 15, 2007 7:45 PM

SWEETESTHAT

Sounds like we need some sort of WrongFic contest or something...

(But count me out, I can't write worth a gorramn. Can't even finish a story unless it's *real* short.)

Still, there are way too many good (?) ideas here to go to waste.

one of the FORSAKEN (self-appointed): We aim to burn!

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Sunday, September 16, 2007 5:51 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by SweetestHat:
Sounds like we need some sort of WrongFic contest or something...

(But count me out, I can't write worth a gorramn. Can't even finish a story unless it's *real* short.)

Still, there are way too many good (?) ideas here to go to waste.

I think that's an EXCELLENT idea! Cause I don't see how anyone could combine all these good? ideas in one fic.

But what do we give to the winner...loser?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

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Sunday, September 16, 2007 7:40 AM

MAL4PREZ

Quote:
Originally posted by SweetestHat:
Sounds like we need some sort of WrongFic contest or something...

WrongFic.

If I had that little emoticon of the guy rolling on the floor laughing, I'd put him here!

-----------------------------------------------
hmm-burble-blah, blah-blah-blah, take a left

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Sunday, September 16, 2007 7:42 AM

Gorramit! A double post!

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Sunday, September 16, 2007 7:42 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:

Maybe Sonny can be Wash's reincarnated form... The alliance somehow puts his personality into a robot (Sonny), and he gets Zoe pregnant while in robot form, so his son is a cyborg with the ability to travel though time! Of course, the first thing the son does, is miraculously grow to be 30 years old, and then sweeps Saffron off her feet, so she's trying to date two guys at once, Jayne and Wash's son, and gets discovered. It's okay, because they both discover they're bi-sexual, and so they form a three-some of bed partners.

And Badger is Niska's son! I just now realized this

And, to add to my awful plot:

Kaylee's baby with Niska is... Badger! And Wash/Sonny's son transports Badger back in time so he can grow up to be his greasy self. Then Badger realizes he always wanted to be a woman, so he gets a sex change, and the Niska rapes her, and Badger's baby is... Niska!

And Wash/Sonny's son transports Niska in his young self in the past in an assassin mission to kill Niska so he can't rape Kaylee, but that never happens because he doesn't want to suicide (and, besides, he hated Mal since he first met him, and he wants to grow up to torture Mal)

Oh, and Niska was originally born a girl, but became a man right before he started building his reputation as a torturer.

How's that for amoral, depraved, and naughty, Mobbex!

Yes, I did that just for you. Doesn't that make you feel shiny?

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Sunday, September 16, 2007 9:43 AM

MOBBEX

'Mind is 100% boggled

You have talent

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Sunday, September 16, 2007 1:25 PM

Thankee

Think I should do some more, or do you think even this thread can't stand it?

If we're really going to have a WrongFic contest, I think I should enter!

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

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Monday, September 24, 2007 7:33 AM

bumpin this beeauty...

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Friday, September 28, 2007 1:34 PM

BUMP! I wanna know if this WrongFic contest is gonna be official! Please say it is. I wanna enter!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Saturday, September 29, 2007 6:04 AM

VERASAMUELS

As well as the Mary-Sues, don't forget the Marty-Sues. Beyond perfect teeth-itching fellas for one or more of the ladies on board.

Jayne goes all pink and girly [though I'd pay Adam $$$$ to act it!!!].

Mal/River - beyond bad . Ick.
Simon/River - worse. Triple Ick.

River suddenly gets absolutely & completely healed
[not gonna happen, part of her brain has gone, folks!]

Mal/Inara suddenly getting an attack of the pink, fluffy & nauseating romantic twaddle with each other.

Jayne has a sex change

Saffron reforms and becomes so squeaky clean that you want to hit her, hard

Niska, ditto.

ANY of the crew having sex with Badger

The Alliance roll over and let the Browncoats take charge

Book is secretly Mal/Jayne/Wash/Zoe/etc father [The Lucas variant]

Reavers turn nice and friendly

Zoe/Mal - No, no, no!!!

Putting self into story just in order to have sex with the crew member[s] of choice.

Book/anyone - celibacy, much?

Vera

Devout Keeper of Jayne's Lunchbox

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Saturday, September 29, 2007 6:41 AM

Bump!

jetflair, where are you?

If anyone knows, please go to this thread
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=11&t=30711&m=543667#543667
and let us know, please.

Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Tuesday, October 2, 2007 10:38 PM

For RiverFlan:

Book knelt in prayer, finally whispering, "RAmen." In the quiet moments before he stood, he could almost swear he felt the touch of His Noodly Appendage.

A While Back

The blinding white light faded, and Book felt himself floating. Looking down in a daze at the hazy figures below, feeling the rage and heartbreak of the small crew he'd learned to call family.

The face of the Flying Spaghetti monster peered at him through the farsighted meatballs that functioned as eyes. A beer volcano bubbled in the heavens above, and he could see the cobbled path to the stripper factory at the edge of his vision. "I'm not ready to go yet," Book said. "I know – I've violated the eight I'd Rather You Didn’ts, especially the one about the subjugating and eviscerating and oppressing. It was – a companion thing. But I'm so close to redemption. That man – " he pointed down at Mal, who was currently dispatching unarmed men and threatening to shoot his crew – "is a divine being. A pirate. I need to guide his path. I need to be alive for that man."

The Flying Spaghetti Monster burped with a twitch of His Noodly Appendages. "The one strapping bodies to the nose of his ship?" One eyeball peered down speculatively. "Does he plan to eat those, I wonder? Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. I was drunk when I wrote those rather you didn't things. Stripper factory?"

"Your honor – I need to finish this. I need to safeguard the holy pirate so he can fulfill his destiny," said Book with resolve.

"Fine," He sighed, wiping His brow with a noodle. "On one condition. You deliver that one –" he dripped a speck of sauce on Simon's shoulder "- to me for a brief anal probing. I'm getting tired of being the one and only complex-carbohydrate omnipotent being, and he just might be My Chosen One. I must investigate." He wiggled one of His appendages suggestively.

Book nodded assent, and the world went black again.

Now. Still with the contemplation.

Book fingered himself where the wounds had been, then slipped his hand – elsewhere briefly. Sometimes he missed being a companion. He'd awoken without a mark on him, just some lingering traces of spaghetti sauce. And now, it was time to be reunited with the sacred pirate.

"Love keeps her in the air...."

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Tuesday, October 2, 2007 10:47 PM

yay:)

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Tuesday, October 2, 2007 10:53 PM

For Wytchcroft:

Zoe sat down at the dining table for breakfast alone. "What's the matter? You look exhausted," said Mal.

Zoe sighed. "It's Wash. All he did all night was cry. He was obviously horribly traumatized by his stay in the Academy, but he won't talk about it. Just cries in the fetal position clutching a dinosaur."

River stood. "I can read his mind."

"Oh – right. Good idea," agreed Zoe. "Come on everyone, let's go hear what really happened to Wash. I'm pretty sure he wants as many crew members as possible to hear his story."

Wash and Zoe's cabin was a mite crowded with eight people in it, but they made do. Wash was lying, gratuitously naked on the bed with only a few bits not allowed on TV showing. The whole crew paused to admire his handsome figure, and to regret the fact that Zoe would kill them if they made a move.

"I brought you another dinosaur, Wash," said River, pressing the offering into his hand. He gripped it with a sob.

"Why'd ya' marry such a wuss?" asked Jayne. "Bein' a worrior woman and all."

Zoe glared. "My honey-bunches-of-oats can bring it when he needs to. He's just such a paragon of everything that's good and kind and funny that he rarely shows it."

"About time he showed some balls," muttered Jayne.

"Fine," snapped Zoe, pulling the blanket back. "There. Happy now?"

"Ain't we hit just plain gratuitous now?" asked Mal. "Not that he doesn't have a nice body and all, but the viewers'll get to see my even more appealing one under even less erotic circumstances soon."

"Some people might actually find you being stripped naked and tortured to be erotic," Kaylee reminded him. "Chicks dig scars, and apparently some of them take that to a whole new level."

Mal shuddered. "Point taken."

"The Academy," whispered River, curling up in the fetal position, back to back with Wash. "He was there too."

"We actually knew that already, hon," said Zoe. "Can you confine the exposition to what we don't know?"

~~~~~

He'd forgotten. Lord, how he wished he could still forget. His parents carrying him lovingly off that smog-filled planet and delivering him into the caring hands of the Alliance academy. He wanted to see the stars, and they promised to modify him into the perfect fighter pilot. His innocent little self had walked in at fourteen, ready to conquer the galaxy.

He hadn't known that conquering the galaxy would mean months of carefully calculated psychological and chemical torture, hadn't known about the multiple brain surgeries and implants and experiments he'd be facing. Hadn't known it was all a big experiment, until he heard doctors talking in worried tones about his developing dinosaur fetish.

It had been Dr. Prick's idea to use Hawaiian shirts as a behavioral trigger. When dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, he would be a flying prodigy. When stripped naked in a tiny white cell (the Academy, having a voyeuristic bent, favored keeping students stripped naked in tiny white cells. Seemed it was easiest to "observe" them that way, and it saved on laundry bills), he was simply an ordinary guy with a dinosaur fetish.

Things had gotten a little better when Dr. Obvious had suggested that sending him through flight school might help him develop piloting skills. In the special Alliance Flight Academy, he'd slowly recovered to the point where he could fly when in a nurturing environment surrounded by dinosaurs, palm trees, and wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

The Alliance had been frustrated at their failure, and experimented with beating him at night when he was stripped naked in his tiny white cell. When Dr. Obvious asked how, exactly, that might improve his flying ability, the others had scratched their comb-overs in puzzlement.

Finally, declaring him of no value whatsoever to the Alliance, they had wiped his brain (a highly unpleasant process involving Drano and a glow stick) and released him with a pilot's license.

"He fought them," said River in a shaky voice. "He fought, and they plucked him out of the sky. They gave the bird his wings, then clipped them."

"I know this part," said Mal, his jaw set grimly. "I can take over exposition from here. He flew for the Independents, got shot down and spent the war as a POW. Same camp I got sent to after the war."

Kaylee looked sad. "That must have been awful."

Mal shrugged. "No, they cared about us deeply as human beings and brought us brownies and stuffed animals to keep our spirits up, and had us nursed by pretty girls who kissed us and cried when we got hurt."

They laughed. "You don't gotta always make fun," said Kaylee.

Mal looked surprised. "I – uh – I wasn't. They really did that. In between the couple 'a times they maybe-sorta tortured me near to death, but that hardly counts."

"Love keeps her in the air...."

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Wednesday, October 3, 2007 3:00 PM

Thank you!

I feel shiny now- this story is going to be awesomely bad!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Thursday, October 4, 2007 8:02 AM

LOL:) and so... plausible - shove it in the BSR:)

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Thursday, October 4, 2007 8:08 AM

LOL - isn't it just so (not!) Firefly? :D

I'm actually going to refrain sticking this in the BSR until it's done, I think. And first, I promised some folks they could beta :D

There is still much cringe-worthy awfulness yet to be written. For instance, I need at least three or four more declarations of undying love. I don't even have one from Jayne yet, for heaven's sakes!

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
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Thursday, October 4, 2007 8:12 AM

may i humbly suggest the title:
'The De-Lousing Side'?

heh heh
(if i've spelt it right...)

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Thursday, October 4, 2007 12:29 PM

Could you, the most wonderful writer, fufill a request for me?

Could one of the crew get Tom Smith Disease, pretty please?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Friday, October 5, 2007 11:24 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
may i humbly suggest the title:
'The De-Lousing Side'?

heh heh
(if i've spelt it right...)

LOL - that's hilarious!

Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:
Could you, the most wonderful writer, fufill a request for me?

Could one of the crew get Tom Smith Disease, pretty please?

Um - She Who Is Ignorant wants to know what, exactly, Tom Smith disease is? I even googled it and didn't come up with anything besides a filk song!

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

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Friday, October 5, 2007 11:38 PM