Need some honest feedback by micjwelch

BLUE SUN ROOM

Need some honest feedback

POSTED BY: MICJWELCH
UPDATED: Thursday, March 13, 2008 10:09
SHORT URL:
VIEWED: 10451
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Tuesday, March 4, 2008 2:57 PM

I just posted my first fanfic at http://www.fireflyfans.net/sunroomitem.asp?i=19847&nid=27818 Obviously there is more to come (it's actually quite long). I would really appreciate some honest feedback on it. I'm not looking for praise, I'm looking for people to tell me what I need to improve on. Give it a look, and tell me what you think.

"We may experience some slight turbulence, and then... explode."

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Tuesday, March 4, 2008 3:01 PM

FREDGIBLET

It sucks, do it better.

Haven't actually read it yet, honest review coming soon.

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Tuesday, March 4, 2008 3:11 PM

FREDGIBLET

Shaping up to be interesting, personally I don't think that Zoe would have that reaction but then I'm male so I don't have the slightest clue. I can't really say that anything in particular needs changing or improving unless you are interested in pedantry ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clip_%28ammunition%29)

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Tuesday, March 4, 2008 3:14 PM

MICJWELCH

Wow. You guys are quick. And sarcastic.

"We may experience some slight turbulence, and then... explode."

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Tuesday, March 4, 2008 3:27 PM

FARFLY

I'm not much into fanfic and this read like outtakes of Firefly episodes or parts of Serenity.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008 2:43 PM

MICJWELCH

Well, the whole thing's up now. I also uploaded the doc file at http://www.mediamax.com/micjwelch/Hosted/Jaynes_Crush.doc

Bring on the nit-picking!

"We may experience some slight turbulence, and then... explode."

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008 3:41 PM

STORMWIND

And lets get crackin' with that nit pickin'!
Ok, constructive criticism if ya wanna be fancy. First of all, i just wanna say that i enjoyed it a lot, you have a fine eye for characters, especially your focus characters in Kaylee and Simon. I also thought River and Inara were really good. Didn't actually see that much of Mal or Zoe, but that was the nature of the story. Jayne was not quite Jayne, but that was half the point of the story, right? When he was being Jayne he was very Jayne. Dong ma?

Neways, onto the actual advice. Try not to paragraph to much, because it breaks up the story to much, especially on this site. also the part were very short. I didn't actually do a word count but I usually see about 800words plus a part.
One more thing. One is try and cut down on dialog and amp up the description. Just a line or two or description helps enrich a sentence immerserably.
Too much talking is a trap thats very easy to fall into. advice that was given to me is that if over half the fic is convo-thats too much. internal, non vocal stuff is just as powerful as you showed ably, when Kaylee was thinking about Jayne.

Amyways, just thought I might try and help out! I'm far from a pro, but writing is my hobby and I like to think I know a little bit. so take it or leave it, but there it is.

Really enjoyed reading this fic. good work.

Anything more in the works?

I don't wanna explode!

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008 4:53 PM

MICJWELCH

Thanks for the feedback. I am kind of a dialog person, but I'm always willing to adjust things.

In the interest of full disclosure, the story idea wasn't mine. Someone came onto this site and asked for someone to write the story, and I volunteered. I've always wanted to try some fanfic. She saw the rough draft, and I haven't heard from her since. If I find her user name, I'll put it up. There were two lines from her writing that I used, the first was the one about being "colder than the blazes of hell," and the other was, "Well, it is his girl."

Anyway, I hope to be able to write considerably more. I figure fanfic is a good way to hone my skills at writing. If anybody else has suggestions, I'd be happy to listen.

"We may experience some slight turbulence, and then... explode."

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008 3:49 AM

MDBROWNCOATGIRL26

I really liked it, especially that it wasn't clear in the middle whether it would turn into a Jayne/Kaylee pairing or stay a Simon/Kaylee pairing. I'm a Silee shipper myself, but I think Jayne is somewhat interested in Kaylee, and that this is partly responsible for his dislike of Simon.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008 5:31 AM

LEIASKY

I just left you a comment in the last chapter. Didn't notice this post here as I don't visit the site nearly as much as I used to.

For a first fic it was nicely done. I'm not going to re-post my comments here. You'll need to go to the last chapter of the story to read them:)

The only way to hone your skills is to keep practicing.

Some favor lots of description, some favor lots of just dialogue. Try and balance the two. Some people take the easy way out and just write line after line of dialogue and that makes it easy to confuse who is speaking. That's the easy way out. And I rarely read the work of someone who continually does that.

I like description, but with a balance of dialogue. Don't depend on a story to 'tell' you what's happening and not 'show' you.

And most important, if you can find a GOOD beta reader, one that will challenge you and not just check for grammer and spelling, don't let them go. I've had the best beta for my last several stories and I can't tell you how immensely helpful she was in plot development, kicking me in the ass when something wasn't believable and just generally talking things out when I wanted to do one thing and she felt it would work better another way.

Best of luck in your continued fic writing! Keep at it! I don't write so much of it anymore as I've moved on to writing screenplays, but I do like to read once in a while.

"A government is a body of people usually notably ungoverned."

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008 8:34 AM

MICJWELCH

Oh, I did forget to mention that Joss himself was the one who said that Jayne has a crush on Kaylee. It's in the commentary for the first episode.

"We may experience some slight turbulence, and then... explode."

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008 8:45 AM

LEIASKY

Quote:
Originally posted by micjwelch:
Oh, I did forget to mention that Joss himself was the one who said that Jayne has a crush on Kaylee. It's in the commentary for the first episode.

Quote:

Yep. Joss definitely did mention it. Kaylee doesn't reciprocate that 'crush' in any form of cannon that I've heard or read, though many fans fantasize that she does:)

"A government is a body of people usually notably ungoverned."

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Thursday, March 13, 2008 10:09 AM

MICJWELCH

Well, I've noticed that the ratings on my fanfic did the best when I had some action going on, and dropped drastically right at the ending. That does give me a good indication at what I'm best at, and what I need to work on. I certainly appreciate all of your comments. It can be quite difficult to get anything more than "It's awesome," or "It sucks," from most people. And yes, I definitely intend to write some more. Maybe I'll even revisit this one sometime.

Thanks again for the feedback.

"We may experience some slight turbulence, and then... explode."

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