Haribo gummi candy reviews by SIGNYM

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Haribo gummi candy reviews

POSTED BY: SIGNYM
UPDATED: Saturday, June 24, 2017 17:48
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Saturday, June 3, 2017 2:04 PM

I believe in solving problems, not sharing them.

They were howlers. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

Sorry to be such a tease, but I'll have to post the links later, busy right now, but I wanted to put up a thread as a reminder.

Or, if you want to see for yourself, google that, plus oxyclean.

==============

http://rottenpanda.com/sugarless-haribo-gummy-bear-reviews-on-amazon-a
re-the-most-hilarious-things-ive-ever-read/

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Saturday, June 3, 2017 4:56 PM

1KIKI

Goodbye, kind world (George Monbiot) - In common with all those generations which have contemplated catastrophe, we appear to be incapable of understanding what confronts us.

1. From a review titled: "Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate."

"Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks."

2. From a review titled: "Be sure to buy Oxyclean too!"

"Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans."

3. From a review titled: "Yup - Believe the hype!"

"I saw the product reviews and told some coworkers, so we bought a bag (because who doesn't want to spend the workday on the toilet AND get paid, right??). Brought them in yesterday morning and a bunch of the guys immediately downed a handful each. Within half an hour they were in the bathroom. Best moment of the day was when one of them (who had been in the bathroom for half an hour by that point) texted one of the others. 'If you think it's a fart....it's NOT.' hahhaaaaaa"

4. From a review titled: "It's. All. True."

"OMG. Everything previously written is true. It's all true. Don't eat more than 15 in a sitting unless you are trying to power wash your intestines."

5. From a review titled: "Fully weaponized Gummy Bears"

"The cramping started about an hour later, and soon enough I was as bloated as a balloon in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. When the rumbling started I sprinted down the hallway and made it to the bathroom just in time for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to stampede from my backside, laying waste to my home's septic system AND my will to live. After three hours of a pelvis-shaking Gummy Bear assault, I was spongy and weak, surprised that I had any bones left. I cursed Haribo with the little strength I could muster."

6. From a review titled: "AWESOME and EXPLOSIVE!!"

"The explosive gas let loose and to an explosive shart!!! 1 mile from home on my walk and it was a long 1 mile back and I had a mess!! Fortunately for compression shorts it didn't run down my legs!! Now I had to hold the gas for fear of blowing my entire intestines out into my shorts!! I made it home and what happened then was like something out of Dante's Inferno!!! My butt became an upside down volcano!! Best to stock up on toilet paper and toilet bowl cleaner as you will totally spray the bowl and back of the seat!! I would no sooner get done and have to go again. When you get the urge to "go" you best be in proximity of toilet!!! I spent hours on the toilet."

7. From a review titled: "You dont understand."

"I was glued to the toilet seat. Streams of fire burst from my colon. When i wasnt experiencing Satans fury exploding from my rear, i was laying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing and asking for forgiveness. Im a 280 pound man. I. Was. Sobbing.

When it was finally over, i couldnt move. I crawled onto the floor one last time and sat, motionless, until my dehydration finally required that i drink water. The other reviews are perfectly accurate. This is absolutely, 100% true.

Eat two at a time. Three if you're brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, DO NOT EAT ANY MORE."

8. From a review titled: "Excellent taste, in small portions."

"During one of the last of the 8 trips to the bathroom, I released such a large volume of gas that my external anal sphincter could not do it's job, and remained open/relaxed, while about 4.5-5 seconds of gas was expelled. I've never experienced, or even heard of that happening. It was so unnatural, that I had to check to feel if my colon had somehow passed through the anal sphincter muscle."

9. From a review titled: "Gastrointestinal Armageddon"

"When I got these, I couldn't contain my excitement and I ate about a quarter of a bag. Scenes from the movie 2012 could have been filmed inside my gut. There would have been less pressure to make two winning free throws in the NBA finals than for gas to escape my bowels. After a few hours, I had an EXTREME build-up of gas with no relief. All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you've eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you're pleading for relief. Well, the farts came and I lived through it but I not only had a visit from the fart fairy, but the sales rep from Montezuma's Revenge stopped by and gave me a FULL demo of their services as well.

In retrospect, eating over a pound all at once wasn't the brightest thing I've done (but it also wasn't the dimmest). If I go back and finish the bag off, I'll probably leave a suicide note."

You can read the rest of the insane reviews on Amazon.
giphy.com

BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE!

READ THE SIDE EFFECTS!!!!
I ordered these without so much as looking at the description. I mean sugar free gummy bears right? Oh geez.....
I ate a handful the first day they arrived, they taste awesome! Put the rest away and went to work. Spent the entire day with my gut gurgling, I think those bears were dancing with delight that some sucker had eaten them. Then the bears started fist fighting in my colon. By the time I got off work, I had gas pains and praying to fart. Glad I waited till I got to the bathroom as the fart turned into an anal jet engine eruption that had me hanging on to the toilet, so I did not lift off. How could something so incredibly tasting be so hideous? I checked google, and then checked the amazon page for this item.... and I found the warning.... and the ratings.... Sure buy this 5lb bag of sugarless colon blow.... The only consolation is that my roomie who keeps raiding my sweets stash got hold of a handful... and it was funny....

Death would have been a better option.
Sweet mother of God, do yourself a favor and never eat these. EVER. I had a small amount, maybe 10-15 today. Since than, I have been in and out of the bathroom with some of the worst cramps and diharea I have ever had in my life all day long. I've prayed, wept, cursed, yelled and blamed anyone I could think of in the last few hours. These things are a weapon, you could defeat ISIS with these ****ing things. Nothing better than spending your day off of work in the bathroom sacrificing your guts to the porcelain gods. You've been warned.

Everything you read on here? It's real. God help me, it's real.
I laughed in the face of these reviews. Surely, they could not be as bad as everyone has claimed. So, being a total Gummy Bear lover, I purchased a 5 pound bag of these innocent little chewy candies. They were delivered on Wednesday. I had a handful that evening. Nothing. I kept waiting for the effects to kick in.....and nothing. I was impervious to the sugarless Gummy Bear effect!

Flash forward to yesterday (Saturday.) When, for some insane reason (probably because there wasn't any other food in the house,) I ate a pound, maybe 2 pounds of these. Jesus wept. 4 hours later, Satan set up camp in my bowels and STILL has not left. What is going on inside my body is truly unholy. I honestly thought I was going to have to go to the ER this morning. These little bastards are EVIL. Save them and serve them to only the truly deserving.

I posted a picture of just one Gummy Bear on my Facebook wall. The title of the post said, "You. My little friend. Can go straight to hell." I am certain that is where they originated.

Originally posted by G: "I coined the slogan "We Suck!"© many years ago." G is an avowed Putin-loving, pro-Russian, anti-American troll.
You have a very treasonous view of how justice in the US should work, THUGGER. In fact, you have many other treasonous views as well. You hate the election process and want to void it.

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Saturday, June 3, 2017 5:47 PM

JEWELSTAITEFAN

I don't recall those effects. Is this some special version or variety of Haribu? Or a knock-off?
Haribu is the original producer of the product. The first-ever American Haribu plant will start production in Wisconsin (location selected because of a long-time friendship/partnership Haribu has.)

I do recall gummi bears from Welch's flavored White Grape which were highly addictive - the vending machine grew to 4 slots of them, and still couldn't keep in stock. Could never find this favor in stores, only vending.

The other really good flavor, not sure which company made it, was organic gummi flavor cranberry. Very addictive.

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Saturday, June 3, 2017 6:22 PM

1KIKI

Goodbye, kind world (George Monbiot) - In common with all those generations which have contemplated catastrophe, we appear to be incapable of understanding what confronts us.

It was the sugar free version.

Lycasin is a maltitol syrup with properties of taste and sweetness ideal for the preparation of sugar-free syrups, lozenges or jellies, according to manufacturer Roquette.com. Little known to most gummy bear connoisseurs, however, the side effects of Lycasin are gas, bloating and diarrhea.Sep 24, 2013

Sadly, Haribo no longer makes the product. Sadly, because, I admit, after reviews like that, I'm really curious.

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Saturday, June 3, 2017 6:33 PM

SIGNYM

I believe in solving problems, not sharing them.

Someone I know (who shall remain anonymous) ate a whole box of sugar-free cookies sweetened with xylitol. He experienced such a massive flux of fluid from his bloodstream into his intestines that the resulting loss of blood volume mimicked a heart attack.

As for me ... well, they say inulin is good for our gut bacteria.

HA!!

Apparently, it's good for bad bacteria as well as good ones. 1/4 teaspoon of inulin had me in the bathroom for a hour.

And finally, in other sweetener & bathroom-related chemistry .... sucralose (Splenda) is considered a persistent organic chemical. Not only can't PEOPLE not metabolize sucralose, apparently neither can bacteria. Once you pee it out, it's in the environment like... forever. It's a good tracer chemical for sewer-water, even recycled water.

-----------

"Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE men poor"- William Blake
THUGR, JONESING FOR WWIII
All those guns 1kiki, are pointed towards your beloved Russia. All those cyber capabilities, pointed right at Russia. Thanks Putin, and get ready to duck.
I'll accept your apology any time, THUGR. But I know you're not man enough to give me one

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Saturday, June 3, 2017 6:50 PM

1KIKI

Goodbye, kind world (George Monbiot) - In common with all those generations which have contemplated catastrophe, we appear to be incapable of understanding what confronts us.

MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm .... orgaaaaaaaaaaaaaanic ...........

http://www.blackforestusa.com/products/

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Sunday, June 4, 2017 10:50 AM

WISHIMAY

Quote:
Originally posted by 1kiki:

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

Uninterestingly enough, that's EXACTLY what happens to me when I eat sulfites, including gummi or marshmallow ANYTHING. To dry gelatin, they use quite a bit of it...I accidently ate some sulfites yesterday (missed vinegar on the label) and spent three hours trying to catch my breath, and then my foot swelled in the cast so much it turned slightly blue.

Fuck this planet. Royal hell if ever there was one.

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Monday, June 5, 2017 7:35 PM

JEWELSTAITEFAN

Quote:
Originally posted by 1kiki:
It was the sugar free version.

Lycasin is a maltitol syrup with properties of taste and sweetness ideal for the preparation of sugar-free syrups, lozenges or jellies, according to manufacturer Roquette.com. Little known to most gummy bear connoisseurs, however, the side effects of Lycasin are gas, bloating and diarrhea.Sep 24, 2013

Sadly, Haribo no longer makes the product. Sadly, because, I admit, after reviews like that, I'm really curious.

Well that clarifies a lot.
Remember when snacks put in Olea or some such, and the Doritos ads had to disclaim that it causes "anal leakage" plus other stuff?

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Monday, June 5, 2017 7:42 PM

JEWELSTAITEFAN

Quote:
Originally posted by SIGNYM:
And finally, in other sweetener & bathroom-related chemistry .... sucralose (Splenda) is considered a persistent organic chemical. Not only can't PEOPLE not metabolize sucralose, apparently neither can bacteria. Once you pee it out, it's in the environment like... forever. It's a good tracer chemical for sewer-water, even recycled water.

Sucralose is a poison, engineered, designed, and proven to kill living things. The chemical company which manufactures this pesticide claims that it is just like sugar. ALL trichlorinates are pesticides.
Check your labels - it is infused into vegetables, fruit, ice cream, milk, sodas (Diet Mountain Dew), beer, wine, "energy" drinks, headache medicine (it causes headaches), other medicines, snacks and candies, to mention a few.

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Tuesday, June 6, 2017 12:51 AM

6STRINGJOKER

Quote:
Originally posted by Wishimay:
Uninterestingly enough, that's EXACTLY what happens to me when I eat sulfites, including gummi or marshmallow ANYTHING. To dry gelatin, they use quite a bit of it...I accidently ate some sulfites yesterday (missed vinegar on the label) and spent three hours trying to catch my breath, and then my foot swelled in the cast so much it turned slightly blue.

Fuck this planet. Royal hell if ever there was one.

I can barely even eat anything sweet anymore. I don't get allergic reactions to it, but I just don't care for it aside from a very rare snickers bar or small bowl of ice cream. Marshmallows or cotton candy or anything like that though makes me sick just thinking about it. The crap we put in our bodies when we're kids, right?

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Tuesday, June 6, 2017 11:15 AM

THGRRI

Quote:
Originally posted by Brenda:
Quote:
Originally posted by G:
Quote:
Originally posted by Brenda:
This is why I do not go anywhere near artificial sweetners of any kind.

I'll stick to real sugar.

Same here - honey is a wonderful, natural sweetener. Chemicals aren't natural!

==============================

Never been much on honey but then I've never really had a sweet tooth. My problem is I have a blood sugar disorder and it is not diabetes. Other end of the scale, my blood sugar tends to be low, so I have to have the real thing in my diet to a limit.

Good for you Brenda. You have a license to eat candy. I think I'll have some pudding now.

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Tuesday, June 6, 2017 4:20 PM

AURAPTOR

America loves a winner!

I always thought those Haribo ads w/the kids dressed up as adults were weird. Like when they're in some board room, discussing product impact and such... just weird.

Never heard of Haribo growing up either. So naturally, I am distrustful of the name.

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Thursday, June 8, 2017 8:02 PM

JEWELSTAITEFAN

Quote:
Originally posted by Brenda:
Six about the only "candy" I eat is chocolate and it has to be dark. Never was fond of milk chocolate as I found and find it too sweet.

I found that the population around Hershey, PA seems to universally dislike dark chocolate - and most have never tried it. They seem to only like milk chocolate, but I had assumed chocolate lovers would like all chocolate. I didn't figure it out until after my last visit.

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Thursday, June 8, 2017 11:05 PM

6STRINGJOKER

I couldn't stand dark chocolate when I was a kid, but it's the only chocolate I'll eat on occasion now. Same thing with McDonalds burgers.. I wouldn't eat any real hamburgers when I was a kid either. Now I can't stand eating anything at McDonalds.

I think it has something to do with all that Saturday Morning Cartoon programming. Probably saw an ad for Hershey's, McDonalds and Milk every half hour.

Strangely enough though, I still love milk to this day and drink at least a gallon a week. I did switch to skim milk about 20 years ago though and never looked back.

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Thursday, June 22, 2017 8:29 PM

JEWELSTAITEFAN

Quote:
Originally posted by 6stringJoker:
I think it has something to do with all that Saturday Morning Cartoon programming. Probably saw an ad for Hershey's, every half hour.

That is unlikely. Hershey was famous for never advertising. Maybe they do ads now, not sure, but they never used to.

I also like white chocolate.

Wait....
McDonald's sells hamburgers? When did this happen? Didn't they only make soy stuff?

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Thursday, June 22, 2017 8:32 PM

JEWELSTAITEFAN

Quote:
Originally posted by AURaptor:
I always thought those Haribo ads w/the kids dressed up as adults were weird. Like when they're in some board room, discussing product impact and such... just weird.

Never heard of Haribo growing up either. So naturally, I am distrustful of the name.

I think the ads are of adults, but gummi bears bring out the inner kid in everybody. Now I saw some with hockey players.

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Friday, June 23, 2017 7:59 AM

AURAPTOR

America loves a winner!

Quote:
Originally posted by JEWELSTAITEFAN:
Quote:
Originally posted by AURaptor:
I always thought those Haribo ads w/the kids dressed up as adults were weird. Like when they're in some board room, discussing product impact and such... just weird.

Never heard of Haribo growing up either. So naturally, I am distrustful of the name.

I think the ads are of adults, but gummi bears bring out the inner kid in everybody. Now I saw some with hockey players.

I've seen different ads. First I saw, were kids , dressed up in adult business attire. Later, I saw another, where adults are in some meeting room, but they're speaking w/ kid - inner child - voices. It's just weird. I " get " what they're trying to do, but as I said, because ' Habribo ', and not Nestle', or Hershey or some other more familiar brand... I reject it.

* ETA: So, Haribo is German. HQ'd in Bonn, Germany. ( I've been there! ) They originated the first Gummybears, so I guess that's their claim to fame ?

Still... not a fan. Gummies or not.

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Saturday, June 24, 2017 5:48 PM

JEWELSTAITEFAN

Quote:
Originally posted by AURaptor:
Quote:
Originally posted by JEWELSTAITEFAN:
Quote:
Originally posted by AURaptor:
I always thought those Haribo ads w/the kids dressed up as adults were weird. Like when they're in some board room, discussing product impact and such... just weird.

Never heard of Haribo growing up either. So naturally, I am distrustful of the name.

I think the ads are of adults, but gummi bears bring out the inner kid in everybody. Now I saw some with hockey players.

I've seen different ads. First I saw, were kids , dressed up in adult business attire. Later, I saw another, where adults are in some meeting room, but they're speaking w/ kid - inner child - voices. It's just weird. I " get " what they're trying to do, but as I said, because ' Habribo ', and not Nestle', or Hershey or some other more familiar brand... I reject it.

* ETA: So, Haribo is German. HQ'd in Bonn, Germany. ( I've been there! ) They originated the first Gummybears, so I guess that's their claim to fame ?

Still... not a fan. Gummies or not.

Source of fame? More like source of gobs of cashflow.
Yes, from Germany. Their new WI Plant will be the first in the Americas.

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