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Spring is in the air, and Democrats are rummaging through the political closet and trying on different looks. When just a little more than a quarter of registered voters have positive views about you, a makeover sounds appealing. But manufactured cool is cringe — and gimmicks won’t save a party that’s forgotten how to be real.

Rebranding advice is plentiful, if conflicting. James Carville thinks Democrats should just get out of the way and let Trump self-destruct (a strategy that might work for the midterms, but eventually a party has to stand for something). Meanwhile, David Hogg, the new vice chair of the Democratic National Committee, wants to spend millions purging the party’s incumbent geriatrics — a bold move that could sabotage a promising election night.

At least Hogg (who wants to replace the domesticated oldsters with more combative young progressives) is tapping into the zeitgeist. His scheme channels the inevitable “appeal to the youth” phase of an identity crisis — for the same reasons divorced dads buy convertibles. Americans, in general, tend to prioritize style over substance, especially when we’re spiraling.

The latest fad — which overlaps with some of Hogg’s goals — is the “dark woke” aesthetic (a fancy term for progressive politics dressed up in an edgy, confrontational style). The problem? Anyone who remembers that cringe TikTok video Dems put out back in March is aware that nothing screams “desperation” like an over-the-top attempt at relevance.

Because yes, the Democratic brand is cooked. Worse: It’s lame. People used to think the party was cool (or at least cool-adjacent). They had Barack Obama, George Clooney and a monopoly on cultural capital. Now they have the burden of being the “adult” party (and not the naughty kind). Adults pay taxes and send follow-up emails.

Democrats, amazingly, have become the hall monitors of American politics. And what do they have to show for taking on this responsibility?

Meanwhile, the GOP — formerly the domain of Dockers dads, pious prudes and Young Republicans — pulled off the unthinkable. They became the chaos agents. The punk rockers. The party of middle fingers. The reversal has been astonishing.

It’s no surprise that Democrats want to reclaim this low ground. They didn’t get into politics to be the spreadsheet managers of the republic. They wanted to wear sunglasses indoors and quote Aaron Sorkin dialogue in real life. They imagined themselves as the effortlessly cool John F. Kennedy, with that tousled movie-star hair, poolside tanned skin and those classic Ray-Bans that always made him look like he just walked out of a GQ shoot.

The problem? Cool doesn’t work when it’s forced. Ask any middle schooler (I’ve got two). When today’s Democrats lean too far into their edgy side, it doesn’t look like an organic vibe shift — it looks like panic in skinny jeans. “We’re raw now! We clap back! We vibe with Gen Z!” Yeah, sure. Right after the PAC luncheon and before the panel discussion on infrastructure reform.

Which brings us back to Hogg and his crusade to boot the boomers. In theory, replacing career politicians with meme-fluent progressives sounds refreshing. In practice, dumping millions of dollars to primary your own team is a) unlikely to actually happen and b) colossally stupid.

Let me be clear: Democrats should resist the temptation to attack their own incumbents and avoid cheap gimmicks overtly designed to be perceived as young or cool.

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