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U.S. — Separate from his work as the nation's commander in chief, President Donald Trump announced that he was releasing a line of specialty sympathy cards he had written himself.

Following his pointed statement about the passing of former FBI Director Robert Mueller, in which he said he was "glad" the man was dead and could "no longer hurt innocent people," Trump was inspired to enter the lucrative greeting card market with a slate of sympathy cards for every occasion.

"I say the best things," Trump told reporters before boarding Air Force One on Monday. "It's true. Just tremendous words, and I think it's time I start selling them. Pretty soon, you'll be able to send someone a card saying you're sorry for their loss, even though you're glad their grandpa is dead and plan to do the Trump dance on their grave. That'd be fun, wouldn't it? We like having fun, don't we, folks?"

Called Trump Cards, the new line of sympathy cards features a heartfelt message for every occasion. Inside every card is a personal message penned by Trump himself, ranging from "I'm sorry you're going through this, everyone says so" to "I wish you had died instead."

Each Trump Card will be specially marked and numbered so you can be sure the one you're getting is truly one of a kind, allowing the bereaved to appreciate a card that says, "YOU DIED BECAUSE YOU ARE FAT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER."

The president's new line of cards will officially launch this summer.

At publishing time, President Trump had sent early previews of his new cards to the remaining military leaders in Iran.

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Originally posted by 6ixStringJack:
babylonbee.com.

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