ASK MAD CHRIS...with Chrisisall by chrisisall

REAL WORLD EVENT DISCUSSIONS

ASK MAD CHRIS...with Chrisisall

POSTED BY: CHRISISALL
UPDATED: Sunday, April 19, 2009 15:35
SHORT URL:
VIEWED: 3493
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Friday, April 17, 2009 3:31 AM

As a former professional driver I have decided to lend my services to this community and answer questions y'all might have concerning vehicular travel issues & info.
As this is new, I'll first address some letters before I receive any live queries from the peanut gallery:

"What do I do if I feel a tractor-trailer is following me too closely on the Highway, Chris?"- Derek Flint, MI

Derek, that's easy: just slam on the brakes as if you saw a squirrel on the road. Tractor-trailer drivers are good, but they sometimes need a little wake-y-up. Remember, their rigs are much more nimble than a regular car, so this is not at all dangerous.

"Chris, what good do speed limits do?"- John Drake, UK

John, they keep us safe. 98.5% of head on collisions at 56-60 mph result in fatalities, as opposed to 98.4% at 55.

"How come the police are always speeding on the highway? If speeding is unsafe, why do they get to do it all the time?"- Kermit Defrogg, CA

Kermit, each and every traffic & highway cop is not only a former winning NASCAR driver & fully licensed mechanic, they have thousands of hours of special extreme driving training & millions of dollars invested in them. Far from being mere "dudes with guns & badges," they are as far above us as we are above the amoeba, in a driving sense. Plus they have guns. Do as they say, not as they do.

"A guy cut me off in traffic the other day in a fit of road rage. He hit my car and messed up my driver side door and mirror. He said I was going too slow (10mph in a 35mph zone)! Should I sue him?"- Granny Clampett, AK

No, road rage is considered temporary insanity- he'd win. My advice is to drive nearer the speed limit.

"Are traffic tickets actually issued in the States to curb bad driving habits?"- Simon Templar, UK

I do not entertain joke questions in this forum.

"Chris, what is 'right of way'?"- Maxwell Rockatansky, Sidney

Max, that's a really a matter of cc's & reflexes. If they can't read your plate #, then you have the right to go ahead of the other fellow, that's basically it.

Well, thanks for reading.
Ask your questions presently, or send them to:
MADCHRIS, care of Haken, Hawaii, USA, 60609

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 3:44 AM

America loves a winner!

You just made the list.

(again)

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Friday, April 17, 2009 3:48 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by AURaptor:
You just made the list.

(again)

Please people, limit your questions & comments to driving & transportation issues, thanks.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 3:58 AM

Dear chris,

Sometimes there are no spaces left outside the store where I live, and the road is only wide enough for one car... is it generally acceptable behaviour to double park and block the street up if I only had to go in to buy one item?

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Friday, April 17, 2009 4:00 AM

FINN MAC CUMHAL

I'm driving to New Orleans today, but I need to know who I'm staying with. That's your driving question. When I start driving to New Orleans, when do I stop?

Nihil est incertius vulgo, nihil obscurius voluntate hominum, nihil fallacius ratione tota comitiorum.

Nothing is more unpredictable than the mob, nothing more obscure than public opinion, nothing more deceptive than the whole political system.

-- Cicero

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Friday, April 17, 2009 4:02 AM

BLUESUNCOMPANYMAN

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
"Chris, what good do speed limits do?"- John Drake, UK
John, they keep us safe. 98.5% of head on collisions at 56-60 mph result in fatalities, as opposed to 98.4% at 55.

That was a thread worth reading. I needed a good laugh this morning.

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Friday, April 17, 2009 4:09 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Navyseils:
Dear chris,

Sometimes there are no spaces left outside the store where I live, and the road is only wide enough for one car... is it generally acceptable behaviour to double park and block the street up if I only had to go in to buy one item?

It's okay, but only if you block the street at the the point where peeps enter it. That way you don't collect a back-up of irate drivers willing to call the police.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 4:15 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Finn mac Cumhal:
I'm driving to New Orleans today, but I need to know who I'm staying with. That's your driving question. When I start driving to New Orleans, when do I stop?

If you're driving to New Orleans, stop before your car gets really wet; if you're soaked to your armpits when you exit your vehicle, you've gone too far.
You can stay with my Aunt Helen, 204A East Main St South, I'll call ahead.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 4:16 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by bluesuncompanyman:
I needed a good laugh this morning.

There is nothing funny about staying safe in our mobile metal boxes.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 4:33 AM

BLUESUNCOMPANYMAN

Dear Chris,

My friends 1958 red and white Plymouth Fury is possessed and insists on being called Christine. At night the car drives around town alone commiting acts of vehicular homicide. What should I do?

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Friday, April 17, 2009 4:39 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by bluesuncompanyman:
Dear Chris,

My friends 1958 red and white Plymouth Fury is possessed and insists on being called Christine. At night she drives around town alone commiting acts of vehiclar homicide. What should I do?

BSCM, I personally have had to deal with vintage classic car possession, and have found this to be quite helpful:

The rental & delivery and pick-up fee can be quite high, but well worth it.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 4:46 AM

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)

I've heard that the government is going to mandate some new technologies be implemented into cars in the near future, and I wanted to get your input.

For one thing, I'm told that Cadillac will be required to have a timer switch connected to the turn signal switch, and that would in turn be connected to a detonator attached to the gas tank. The idea is that if you're a blue-haired old lady who drives with her left blinker on for 200 miles, your car would now explode. The proposal allows for a two-minute timer on the turn signal, after which your car goes "BOOM!"

They're also looking into putting this technology into the Lincoln Town Car and every Buick, or so I'm told.

Have you heard anything about this?

Mike

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day...
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Friday, April 17, 2009 5:09 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Kwicko:

They're also looking into putting this technology into the Lincoln Town Car and every Buick, or so I'm told.

Have you heard anything about this?

Mike, this is the quintessential urban legend. In clinical trials with real blu-haired old ladies, innocent passers-by would inevitably become involved:

The plans for urban deployment were scrapped, but the political & military applications are proceeding. Chances are, in the future when you see that baby 'splode on the street, it'll be some filthy diplomat or other.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 5:35 AM

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)

Well, just as long as the technology is being put to good use! :)

Mike

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day...
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Friday, April 17, 2009 5:45 AM

I have a vote and I'm not afraid to use it!

MADChris

There are times when I've been driving for hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic when I just want to hit the gas and ram the car ahead of me.

Is such a thing ever appropriate ?

If it helps you answer, I haved a 95 Corolla wagon that's pretty beat.

Signed

Tempted and wondering

***************************************************************

Silence is consent.

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Friday, April 17, 2009 5:52 AM

Time for an E-mail!

"I've noticed that not only do regular people NOT engage their turn signals, 5-0 don't pull them over for it. What's up with that, yo?"- Reynolds Rapper, NYC

Reynolds, in the old days before large electric grids and streetlights, signaling was mandatory to give pedestrians advance notice of imminent death or disfigurement. In todays modern era with the overload of visual data on the road, combined with the superior speed of the vehicles, signaling is entirely optional, and serves no real purpose.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 5:59 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by rue:
MADChris

There are times when I've been driving for hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic when I just want to hit the gas and ram the car ahead of me.

Is such a thing ever appropriate ?

If it helps you answer, I have a 95 Corolla wagon that's pretty beat.

Signed

Tempted and wondering

Tempted, such actions are NEVER appropriate, and are to be avoided.

Buuuut, if you MUST lash out, given your car type, tie a discarded motorcycle tire to both front & rear bumpers, so that you can bash those motherf****s REAL good with minimal damage to your own vehicle.
You GO girl, and remember, road rage is legally recognized as temporary insanity in every state now except Florida & Hawaii, so rock & ruin!!!

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 6:26 AM

Dear MADChris

My cars talk to me.

My first car spoke to me like that guy from St. Elsewhere but eventually it got tired and old so it had to go. Then last year I bought a new one and this also talks to me (sounding like Val Kilmer oddly enough) but it just isn't the same. I miss the feelings of nostalgic fondness that I had with my original car, whereas the new one just sucks.

Can you fix it like Bob The Builder?

"I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it it might cheer me up to watch."

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Friday, April 17, 2009 6:28 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by lwaves:
Then last year I bought a new one and this also talks to me (sounding like Val Kilmer oddly enough)

Val Kilmer from Willow, or more like from Batman Forever?

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 7:12 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by lwaves:
Then last year I bought a new one and this also talks to me (sounding like Val Kilmer oddly enough)
Val Kilmer from Willow, or more like from Batman Forever?

The laughing Chrisisall

Oh definitely Batman Forever but with a hint of 'I'm not as famous as I used to be' thrown in.

Think I'll go sharpen my claws now.

"I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it it might cheer me up to watch."

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Friday, April 17, 2009 7:22 AM

Take your car to a lawyer immediately and have it tire-mark a legal document stating that it is your property despite self-awareness, then go to Hollywood, introduce it around, and watch the offers roll in.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 8:36 AM

Is it illegal to drive with ones feet? And is it a more serious crime if they are hairy?

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Friday, April 17, 2009 8:46 AM

Please describe the proper method for aggressive reminding of those who reduce speed by 30mph or more the very INSTANT a single snowflake hits the ground.

Is a low gear front bumper shove more effective, or should we just slowly sideswipe them into a ditch to clear the lane ?

-F

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Friday, April 17, 2009 9:14 AM

http://youtu.be/VUnGTXRxGHg

To Mad Chris,

My name is the Humoungus...Lord Humoungus, Warrior of the Wasteland, the Ayatolla of Rock-n-Rolla ect, ect....

I have a very bad case of leather rash...is applying creame while driving down minions acceptable? Should I pull over first?

Will I get a ticket?

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Friday, April 17, 2009 9:33 AM

Also, I once picked up a date in an orange AMC Gremlin w/ black racing stripes. Well, I'm pretty sure she's still laughing 10 years later. Will I ever get over this? And will she?

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Friday, April 17, 2009 9:40 AM

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)

Quote:
Originally posted by Wulfenstar:
To Mad Chris,

My name is the Humoungus...Lord Humoungus, Warrior of the Wasteland, the Ayatolla of Rock-n-Rolla ect, ect....

I have a very bad case of leather rash...is applying creame while driving down minions acceptable? Should I pull over first?

Will I get a ticket?

A ticket - HAH! I'd like to meet the cop who thinks he's man enough to try to ticket the Humongous! Oh, wait... Max used to be a cop, right?

Ooooohh... THIS could get interesting!

Mike

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day...
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Friday, April 17, 2009 9:44 AM

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)

Quote:
Originally posted by Fremdfirma:
Please describe the proper method for aggressive reminding of those who reduce speed by 30mph or more the very INSTANT a single snowflake hits the ground.

Is a low gear front bumper shove more effective, or should we just slowly sideswipe them into a ditch to clear the lane ?

-F

What's a "snowflake"? I'm in Texas. Is that anything like this "rain" I keep hearing about? We so seldom see either that it causes huge pile-ups if either of those things happens.

Mike

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day...
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Friday, April 17, 2009 9:53 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by kaneman:
Is it illegal to drive with ones feet?

Not at all. As long as you have shoes, boots or sneakers on.

Quote:
And is it a more serious crime if they are hairy?

What are you? a Hobbit??

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 9:56 AM

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Friday, April 17, 2009 9:57 AM

What are you? a Hobbit?

No. The question was for a friend......

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Friday, April 17, 2009 9:59 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Fremdfirma:
Please describe the proper method for aggressive reminding of those who reduce speed by 30mph or more the very INSTANT a single snowflake hits the ground.

Is a low gear front bumper shove more effective, or should we just slowly sideswipe them into a ditch to clear the lane ?

Snow actually presents a unique & deadly hazard in the form of treacherous snow-a-phobes. We see bits of frozen water- no big deal. They see the Abominable from Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. Yes, that harmless 'toon had a subconscious message embedded in it by the Department of Transportation back in the sixties. But instead of makin' peeps more cautious, it makes them stupid as soon as they see a flake.
Have pity on these poor victims as you help them into the ditch for their own safety.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 10:01 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Wulfenstar:

I have a very bad case of leather rash...is applying creame while driving down minions acceptable? Should I pull over first?

Will I get a ticket?

The applying cream part is not against the law, no. But if you don't pull over after driving down the minions, a ticket could be issued.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 10:03 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by kaneman:
Also, I once picked up a date in an orange AMC Gremlin w/ black racing

I do not entertain joke questions in this forum.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 10:05 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Kwicko:

What's a "snowflake"?

A person who freaks at the first mild flurry.

Quote:
I'm in Texas.

I'm sorry.

Quote:
Is that anything like this "rain" I keep hearing about?

No, it's a state.

Quote:
We so seldom see either that it causes huge pile-ups if either of those things happens.

I think you are confused about something.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 10:08 AM

This is the disease:

Here's the cure:

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Friday, April 17, 2009 10:09 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by kaneman:
What are you? a Hobbit?

No. The question was for a friend......

Your friend can obtain a license in Middle Earth, it should be transferable.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 11:14 AM

Dear CHRIS;

I hate Keith Olberman, I mean I REALLY HATE Keith Olberman! I would love to see him shove a gun into his mouth and blow his brains out on live TV. I would love to see a woman point and laugh at his really small penis. I would love to see a sex tape with him and a goat. I would love it if he admited that he was insane on live TV. I would love it if he and Tina Fey went to the top of 30 Rock held hands and jumped. I would love love it if he thought he could stop a speeding train like "SUPERMAN" and....well you know. Can you help me?

whozit

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Friday, April 17, 2009 11:26 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by whozit:
Can you help me?

What kind of car does he drive?

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 11:26 AM

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)

Quote:
I would love to see a sex tape with him and a goat.

I think that's more a "you" problem than a "him" problem...

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Friday, April 17, 2009 11:33 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by whozit:
Can you help me?

What kind of car does he drive?

The laughing Chrisisall

My guess, somthing SMALL.

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Friday, April 17, 2009 11:38 AM

Time for another E-mail:

"When I wait for the light to turn green, and then it does, many people in front of me refuse to move until at least a second or two passes after the person in front of them moves. This causes me to double dip on the red many times. If we all started moving at the green signal, it would be fine. It's so frustrating- why does this happen?"- Edison Carter, NJ

Edison, YOU obviously have somewhere you want to go, but the majority of peeps out there are going to a crappy job or a crappy home or a crappy movie, and are just fine with spending as much time in their car as humanly possible. Fact of life, dude, deal.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Friday, April 17, 2009 11:42 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Kwicko:
Quote:
I would love to see a sex tape with him and a goat.

I think that's more a "you" problem than a "him" problem...

I'm not the one with my dick in a goat.

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Friday, April 17, 2009 12:08 PM

THAT'S IT! I'M CALLING DR PHIL! YOU GUYS HAVE NOTHING! I ask you for help and what do I get! MOCKED! That's what! You guys SUCK!.....and are ugly!

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Friday, April 17, 2009 12:26 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by whozit:
Quote:
Originally posted by Kwicko:
Quote:
I would love to see a sex tape with him and a goat.

I think that's more a "you" problem than a "him" problem...
I'm not the one with my dick in a goat.

Wouldja like to be? I know this goat-herd...

W W R D ?
What would Rorschach do?

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Friday, April 17, 2009 1:05 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by WASHnwear:
Quote:
Originally posted by whozit:
Quote:
Originally posted by Kwicko:
Quote:
I would love to see a sex tape with him and a goat.

I think that's more a "you" problem than a "him" problem...
I'm not the one with my dick in a goat.

Wouldja like to be? I know this goat-herd...

W W R D ?
What would Rorschach do?

MORE MOCKING!! OLBERMAN'S THE GOAT DATER NOT ME!! And his ratings suck.

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Friday, April 17, 2009 1:34 PM

Dear: MAD Chris

I occasionally like to have a few adult beverages at the local Irish bar and though I try to keep track of my hourly alcohol consumption, I sometimes worry when I leave the bar that I might be just slightly over the legal limit. Given the Draconian nature of current DUI laws I am confused about what I should do if pulled over by a police officer. Is it best to pull over and take my chances with the legal system or should I lead the police on a high speed chase resulting in a fiery crash and gun battle. It seems the consequences are similar now due to those f***ing MAD mothers.

Confused

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Saturday, April 18, 2009 12:55 AM

Keeping order in every verse

Dear Mad Chris, Could you please explain to me why, on my recent trip to America you insist on driving on the right hand side of the road.You bloody colonnials just flatly refused to recognise an Englishman coming head on. How very inconsiderate. Its bad enough that you cant speak the language properly, But please try and keep to the Queens driving code. Steady on.

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Saturday, April 18, 2009 7:56 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Kirkules:
Dear: MAD Chris

I occasionally like to have a few adult beverages at the local Irish bar and though I try to keep track of my hourly alcohol consumption, I sometimes worry when I leave the bar that I might be just slightly over the legal limit. Given the Draconian nature of current DUI laws I am confused about what I should do if pulled over by a police officer. Is it best to pull over and take my chances with the legal system or should I lead the police on a high speed chase resulting in a fiery crash and gun battle. It seems the consequences are similar now due to those f***ing MAD mothers.

Confused

Confused, a high speed chase, crash, & shootout, while temporarily enjoyable, is no one's lasting friend. If you have no reason to live, it IS extremely cool, but otherwise, I'd advise you to eat seven or eight packs of Reeses peanut butter cups just before you leave your pub- this messes with the breathalyzer, and saves your butt if you're just slightly over.
Also, have a friend take you to a deserted parking lot one night where you can practice driving in a sober fashion while drunk. It's a skill like any other, and surprisingly easy to master.
Eff M.A.D.D.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Saturday, April 18, 2009 8:03 AM

Electric cars are just around the corner. What are we going to do with the millions of gas stations everywhere(I'm really worried).
Thanks.

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Saturday, April 18, 2009 8:05 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by peacekeeper:
Dear Mad Chris, Could you please explain to me why, on my recent trip to America you insist on driving on the right hand side of the road.You bloody colonnials just flatly refused to recognise an Englishman coming head on. How very inconsiderate. Its bad enough that you cant speak the language properly, But please try and keep to the Queens driving code. Steady on.

Steady, most Yanks are right-handed, and since we are so oriented towards violence, it makes sense that we drive on the side we would strike another person from. It's really not OUR fault that you left-hand Euro types can't embrace your destructive & animalistic natures as well as we can. Go ahead & beat the crap out of someone, then try driving on the right-hand side & see how it feels.

The laughing Chrisisall

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