Quote:

---

U.S. — Federal authorities announced on Wednesday that liberals are now dangerously mad, a significant update from when they were just regular mad only days ago.

"We are officially raising the 'Libs Be Mad, Yo' Alert to orange, signaling that American liberals are now dangerously mad," said a spokesperson for the Pentagon. "We are advising the public to be alert as you interact with liberals. If you see something, say something."

Congress, already partially segregated by party, installed walls in the Senate and House chambers to keep liberal politicians away from the normal ones in an attempt to ensure a working government. "My liberal colleagues aren't just mad, they are dangerously mad," Senator Ted Cruz said, trembling. "They used to support Palestine or gun control, but now they actively advocate for Somali crime rings and for the deaths of Republicans. It's out of control."

The White House also acknowledged the increase in madness on the part of liberals, with the president attributing it to how amazing everything in the country has been.

"They're tired of all the winning," President Trump said. "It's very sad. I just keep winning and winning, and I think it finally broke them. They can't handle it, everyone says so. And there aren't enough nicknames in the world for me to name every liberal and put them in their place."

At publishing time, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists adjusted the Doomsday Clock forward to 59 seconds to midnight to indicate that liberals were closer than ever to destroying the Western world.

---