Apologies by BYTEMITE

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Apologies

POSTED BY: BYTEMITE
UPDATED: Wednesday, December 11, 2013 09:15
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Tuesday, December 10, 2013 2:36 PM

*Chorus of boos and yelling that I'm being an attention whore and that this isn't a RWED*

I know, but I still think it's important.

I have been a massive shit to everyone lately. Somehow I became convinced that this was justified? Previous wrongdoings that may not really have been wrongdoings, vindictive streak in my nature, I don't know.

I've spent an inordinate amount of time yelling at people on this board and behaving completely irrationally. I lost interest in talking with people and started just talking at them. I stopped moderating my opinions to consider anyone else's feelings, convinced that I was somehow being more honest by being a pissant. I was actually trying to make people dislike me, because that was somehow evidence of something. And every time I thought I did something unforgivable to someone, I would exult to myself, and think, yes, another bridge burned, and then bask in that fire.

I cultivated stupid grudges and derailed a number of threads with stupid personal issues with various people, fully knowing that I would be seen as immature and attention-seeking. Part of me was bothered by that, because despite the amount of drama I've caused, I actually hate drama, as does everyone I think. It's a waste of time. But a more major part of me just didn't really care what people thought about me anymore.

So, there are lots of people I should apologize to. Pizmo, HK, arguments where I felt insulted that I carried for far too long. Oonj, that ridiculous email exchange I reposted to the board, and then a more recent swipe at you when I was fighting with Niki. Niki, that whole thing, but especially when I started talking about your fight with Frem. Mal4Prez and Magons, my behaviour in that same thread. Jack, the way I just kept randomly insulting you even if it didn't make any sense. Jack, Kpo, Storymark, G, Nick, that rape thread that went too far. And everyone I ever pulled one of my stupid disappearing acts on.

And like I said to G, at this point I don't think I should ask for forgiveness. I don't think I should try to make it right because I'm not sure I can. And I think the major response I'm going to get here is that no one CARES about all this and gawd am I making more drama AGAIN? But I still think it needed to be said.

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Tuesday, December 10, 2013 6:03 PM

KPO

Sometimes you own the libs. Sometimes, the libs own you.

I think your behaviour has been fine.

This is the internet, it's rough and tumble, people's feelings are going to get hurt now and then. Sometimes when that happens it's your fault, but not always. Just don't set out to hurt feelings, but still speak your mind. And sometimes employ tact.But I think you do that more than most already.

Something to think about Byte: the truly despicable people in this world don't hate themselves, or their behaviour - they don't care. The fact that you feel so keenly that you're a horrible person, tells me that you're no such thing.

It's not personal. It's just war.

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Tuesday, December 10, 2013 7:56 PM

MAGONSDAUGHTER

Nothing wrong with an apology if you think you've gone too far, though.

Many problems with the Internet.

You don't know who people are in RL. It makes trying to determine intent harder, because you don't know whether they are the kind of person who baits and teases others.

we can't always work out tone from writing. Leads people into many a murky and misrepresented discussion.

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Tuesday, December 10, 2013 11:23 PM

OONJERAH

“Long is the way and hard, that out of hell leads up to light.”
~John Milton, Paradise Lost

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Wednesday, December 11, 2013 12:16 AM

CHRISISALL

We love ya, Byte. Always have. No worries.

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Wednesday, December 11, 2013 12:53 AM

MAL4PREZ

I could explain how little I need your apology, but I fear you may be offended. I know you're a real person in there, fighting real battles. My exasperation has nothing to with any damage that's done to me, therefore I need no apology. As I've told you before, you do not hurt me. You never have, because I can see exactly what you're up to, and I know it has nothing to do with me.

My sometimes less than cordial reaction to you is all about the madness of what you do to yourself when you live so deeply buried in your own brain. It's silly. You could do so much better.

That said, I deeply appreciate what you're done here. It can't have been easy. I hope it brings you to a place of peace and confidence to have conquered this. I hope it brings you to a place to really hear and understand: no one hates you. Really, no one. Any hate you sense is what you conjure up at yourself.

All the best

*---------------------------------------*
The French Revolution would have never happened if Marie Antoinette had just given every peasant an iPhone.

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Wednesday, December 11, 2013 1:02 AM

BYTEMITE

Quote:
no one hates you.

Uh... I'm not going that far yet. But I'm going to try to not be so much of a shit, and this time I'm not saying that in a fit of woe is me self pity before I take off for a month.

Oh, who am I kidding. I'm sure I'll be right back to my usual habits in about a week, soon as something that no one else would get upset over makes me lose it. This is basically why no one should forgive me or trust me.

I do mean the apology though, and the attempt, even if I will inevitably suck at it. :/

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Wednesday, December 11, 2013 9:15 AM

NIKI2

Gettin' old, but still a hippie at heart...

That was beautifully written, Byte, very classy. I don't need any apology either, nobody on the internet can actually hurt me and I don't take it seriously. I do appreciate the Frem thing, because as I've said before, MY personal trigger is being lied about or being called a liar, so that means a lot to me. I would also be quite happy not to have you constantly hating me; doesn't bother me but it's just wasted negative feelings for you.

Considering the bullshit that goes on here, and all over the internet, I don't think you have anything to feel bad about really; not only is the internet ripe for misunderstanding, but the anonymity can bring out the worst in any of us. You're FAR better than many who've passed through here and it's sad that you see yourself the way you do, because much as we can all put on a false face, it's patently obvious to everyone that you're actually a caring person, even if you don't believe it yourself.

I hope you don't take it to heart if/when you "slip" because we ALL do, whatever our promise to ourselves. How many times did I try again and again to return to civility--now I've just given up, found a "line in the sand" for myself and try to stay behind it; anything else is asking ourselves to be super-human, given the provocation we inevitably receive.

It is true, however; nobody here hates you, I'd bet on it. Most of us may get frustrated with one another from time to time, but I think those who "hate" others here have no compunction about making it very clear, and nobody's made it clear to or about you. This place certainly IS a "clusterfuck", I'm now on several Facebook forums (all admittedly about other things than politics), and while they have their misunderstandings and firestorms, none are anything like as ugly as RWED. So there's nothing wrong in saying it, it's quite true. It brings out the worst in even the nicest people here.

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