How to Behave Online: 84 New Rules

UPDATED: Monday, June 24, 2024 20:47
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Monday, June 24, 2024 8:06 PM


I haven't read it yet, but I'm going to go right ahead and guess that everybody here except for Brenda fails.


Monday, June 24, 2024 8:47 PM


It appears that I was wrong. Pretty boring list that pertains to "professionals" and mixing online behavior with work.

Ted would fail a few of them in the top 20 though...

13. Using proper punctuation and reasonable grammatical structure for work email is a must. No matter how short the confirmation or how brief the message, save the “k” for iMessage, please.

14. Don’t share a news story unless you’ve actually read it. Falling for a sensationalized headline? Embarrassing!

Check and Check.

I haven't caught him not doing #15, which is verifying your source. I'd have to actually watch any of the crap he posts to find all the flaws and lies within to do that. When posting news stories, Ted cites his sources, unlike Second who constantly tries to and gets caught passing off other people's work as his own when he's not pirating movies and Firefly comic books.

But now for the super bad advise that completely invalidates this entire list.


16. Profile pronouns aren’t the culture-war virtue-signaling people want it to be. On one hand, many sensible and supportive folk might not have identifying descriptors in their IG profile, and judging every single account for not having pronouns in bio is poor form, as long as they’re not reposting QAnon threads. That being said, dropping your pronoun preference couldn’t be simpler — it’s as easy as changing your handle or replacing your bio emojis — and, moreover, it’s just a common courtesy. We won’t be assholes about it, so get around to it, please.

Don't tell me what to do, bitch. Fuck your pronouns.


59. Donate to Wikipedia. Only 2% of readers donate. But 100% of us have used the website in a pinch. (And some of swan-dive into Wiki rabbit holes on the regular.) Consider throwing those editors a few bucks. Or just buy this sick windbreaker.

Yeah. Donate to FLBL (pronounced Full Bull). For Losers, By Losers.

Good luck with those donations from your target audience anyway. We can't get Second to give Haken $50 a month for keeping the site running and he makes a $Zillion per year.

Then it turns out, to no one's surprise at all, most of the rest of this article is obviously written by a pot-belly troll goblin woman or a twink of a little fancy-dressing office boy that will soon be replaced by A.I. Or, maybe it was written by A.I.? Who can tell the difference?

They had a few good pieces of advice in there though...



I'd say that this was common knowledge for about 25 years now, but here we are in 2024 with this being a "new" rule. I guess all those 2-digit IQ college graduates still can't actually do their jobs right in 2024, even with the bar set so low they had to jackhammer the floor to make the space for it.


34. If you’re older than your mid-20s, it’s time to get off Snapchat. At some point in our adult lives, we should all realize we’ve reached the age limit on this app. You should be embarrassed if you’re 26 and still asking people for their Snapchat instead of their phone number.

WTF is Snapchat?

New Rule: No matter what your age is, it's time to get off Snapchat.


36. Don’t film people making your food at Chipotle. Would you want a random stranger filming you while you sit at your work desk? Would you even want them holding their phones up and pretending to record you? It’s not worth the three extra pieces of steak. Just get your food and be normal.

Fuckin-A right. Do not film ANYBODY doing their jobs. I don't go to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth.


42. Prank videos aren’t as funny as you think they are, especially relationship pranks. Every so often, trending prank videos are harmless and silly. But most of the time, someone pranking their partner in an effort to make them look stupid or humiliated then posting it online with the hopes it goes viral is shitty. Or the videos just look incredibly staged and come off really cringey.

Gentleman and Ladies, you have my full expressed and written consent to punch him or her in the jaw with a closed fist if your boy/girlfriend does this to you.

Other observations...


45. Normalize double texting, especially when you’ve just started going out. Over-communicating — or just being clear on what plans are and where you stand with each other — in the early stages of a relationship has become taboo, probably because people don’t want to come off as overbearing or clingy. But in reality, there’s nothing more pathetic than being a bad communicator. Normalize communicating a normal amount! If you need to make plans with someone and they’re being flaky, double texting is the right thing to do.

46. On the other hand, stop getting so upset about people not replying fast, especially friends and family. There’s a difference between your friend being a bad texter and your situationship ghosting you after three months. Everyone is so chronically online these days that it can feel exhausting to be at the mercy of your phone’s Messages app. If you see someone online and they haven’t answered your message, maybe they just haven’t seen it or are going to respond in a bit. I do this with friends and family who text me during the work day. I don’t always respond until later. If I do forget, they kindly let me know and I respond.

47. But if they haven’t responded to your DMs…maybe stop DMing them. If you’re having a conversation with yourself, just throw in the towel.

Just get off the fucking phone. How 'bout that?

This is the type of shit you people stress about everyday in 2024? No wonder why you're killing yourselves at a faster clip than any of the generations that came before you. None of you would have survived the 1980's.

Don't believe me? We didn't even have Purell back then.


66. Don’t be the person who refuses to download Venmo. Asking for cash is fine, but if you find yourself requesting CashApp or ApplePay in 2024, it’s time to start re-evaluating your home screen.

Then like 5 more rules about using Venmo.

Yup. Keep brainwashing your idiot generation and the one that's following it to go cashless and see where that gets you.


75. Tip your grocery delivery person. Unlike restaurant employees, they may be getting a salary, but there’s still a price to pay for someone else navigating the store crowds and hauling your groceries to you. If you’re happy with your grocery delivery service (and even if you aren’t once in a while), make sure you’re properly tipping the person bringing those bags to you.

Here's an idea, my Diabetic-in-the-making friends.

Get off your fat, lazy ass and buy your own groceries. For fuck's sake.

This is the most useless thing I've ever seen, made for such an inconsequential demographic that needs a hell of a lot more professional help than anybody writing this article is able or willing to offer them.

THESE are the people who will bitch and moan all day long to anyone that will listen how they can't get by on only $100k per year. Go fuck yourselves and your Door Dash tip addictions.

How the hell did I get recommended this trash?


Trump will be fine.
He will also be your next President.






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