Complete and utter silliness.... by garbagecanmusic

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Complete and utter silliness....

POSTED BY: GARBAGECANMUSIC
UPDATED: Tuesday, January 24, 2006 19:22
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Tuesday, January 24, 2006 7:22 PM

ok....I have a couple of friends that have been doing this sillyness for years and years. They call them Q Letters. What they do is send a list of questions to each other with completely random and silly questions and then answer them. One of them recently became a Firefly addict and added the 'verse to the silliness. Below is a Q Letter that was sent to me and I wanted to share the silliness with my fellow browncoats.

Now, the randome person, John, is me. A lot of times the q letters are full of inside jokes, but this one I think is pretty inside joke free.

And now for the silliness:

1. Why are the bathrooms on Serenity always low on facial tissue?

Serenity ran out of toilet paper months ago. They’re not supposed to use facial tissue because it clogs up the sanitation, but since Jayne is always stuck doing that chore, no one cares.

2. You're in a room with the Fox execs who cancelled the show. What happens?

I re-enact the baseball bat scene from “The Untouchables”…..except in my version no one leaves the room…

3. Take me out to the black

Ok…um…….I’m not saying they we’re NEVER going to come back…..but the seas are boiling…

4. The pairs figure skating competition on board Serenity is not going well. Explain what's going wrong and how you'd fix it.

Zoe: I’m not sure which is more disturbing…..River driving the Zamboni or that Jayne is pulling off a triple axle with ease…
Mal: Yeah....it’s amazing he got into guns, eh?
River: Weeeeeeeeeeee….!!!
Kaylee: Umm, Cap? Why are we holding the competition on Serenity?
Mal: Because we have the Zamboni.
Kaylee: Right. *pause* So where are the skaters?
John: Excuse me, Captain Reynolds?
Mal: Who are you and why are you on my ship?
John: I’m an obsessed fan.
(The crew pauses and gives a look)
John: I mean I’m the event coordinator for the competition.
Mal: Ah. Yes. Is there a problem?
John: Well, the competition is being held on Sihnon.
Mal: Yes.
John: We’re on Ariel.
(The crew is silent)
Mal: Wash. Fire her up.
Wash: Right away Cap’n!

5. Cap'n Reynolds is running late and Patience is getting ready to shoot him again. Any ideas on what he should do?

Shoot her horse, take the money, run like hell.

6. Design a new look for Inara

Inara: You are SO getting a black mark.
John: Now. Now. May I take your measurements again?
Inara: No. 27 times in enough.
John: But I LIKE taking your measurements.
Inara: Yes, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have to be naked for the process.
John: Accuracy is key.
Inara: Uh-huh.
John: Ok….I like peach and mauve.
Inara: Black. Mark.

7. Jayne is on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". Oh boy.

Queer Eye #1: This week on ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ we have a very special guest, Jayne Cobb! The Hero of Canton!
Queer Eye #5: Yes, after we get through with him, they’re going to have to rebuild that statue!
Jayne: Umm….I’m not sure if I see the profit in this….
Queer Eye #4: We just HAVE to do something about that hat….
Queer Eye #3: We most certainly do…*snatches Jayne’s hat off his head*……ok…although I do like the color scheme…
(Jayne’s eyes widen beyond belief)
(Screaming, explosions, and gun fire occur….)
Queer Eye #2: Join us next week where we try our best to get Malcom Reynolds to wear something other than brown…
Queer Eye #5: RUN!!
Queer Eye #4: Give him back the hat!!

8. You are writing a biography of Shepherd Book. What is it called?

Target Practice and the Abbey: One Man’s Story

9. List your top 3 favorite Zoe/Wash fanfics (make them up if you haven't read any)

1) Zoe and Wash Carribean adventure
2) Zoe and Wash uncensored
3) Zoe and Wash kidnap Kaylee and do unspeakable but very pleasurable things to her

(umm….I haven’t read any….still wrapping my head around the whole fan-fic thing….)

10. Explain where Wash stores his dinosaurs when they're not on the bridge

Zoe: For the LAST time….get these out of here!
Wash: But….it helps me sleep better when they’re under my pillow.

11. How come Serenity even needs a pilot anyway? The Enterprise doesn't have one!

The Enterprise has like 15. And they’re mostly aliens. Or unfeeling humans. Or REALLY confused humans. Serenity don’t need no ruttin’ aliens. Besides, Serenity won’t run without dinosaurs.

12. Kaylee thinks you're sexy but River thinks you're a dork. Your reaction?

River: Total boob.
Kaylee: No….I think he’s sexy.
John: Hellllllo ladies. Looking very beautiful today. *winks and struts away all “cool” like*
(River and Kaylee watch in silence as John struts away)
River: Boob?
Kaylee: Total boob.

13. The crew of Serenity is sitting in a room, watching all the episodes of their show. They had no idea that they were being filmed and that people 500 years ago watch a show about them. Script a dialog with their reactions.

(The crew sits in stunned silence)
Mal: Um….Zoe?
Zoe: I got nothing, sir.
Wash: Hey, I kind of look manly.
Book: You call that manly?
Simon: Well….in an untrained-ape sort of way.
River: Wow. I kick butt.
Inara: There’s a camera on all the time?
Kaylee: Yeah, I think we even get to vote someone off.
(They all look at Jayne)
Jayne: What?

14. Did you try using the electronic defibrulator and was the patient non-responsive?

I applied the cordical electrodes and failed to get a neural reaction from either patient.

15. Mal once saw Wash slap Zoe's rear and decides to slap the rears of his entire crew every now and then. Why? How do they respond?

Mal tries this to attempts to have a ‘rapport’ with the crew. These are each of their reactions:

Wash: *complete uneasy silence*

Zoe: Sir, you must not be very fond of that hand.

Kaylee: I love my Captain. I’d love him even more if he DID NOT do that.

Book: Mal, the bible says for you NOT to touch me there.

Jayne: I’ll be in my bunk.

Inara: You now have a black mark in MY registry.

Simon: *chases Mal around with a syringe full of sedative*

River: Stop that or I’ll kill you with my brain.

16. Is the Nostromo bigger than Serenity? What do they do if an alien gets on board?

Yes, much bigger. And if an Alien got onboard River would figure it out immediately, try to make it a pet, and Jayne would shoot every last bullet he had at the thing.

17. One day Inara, Kaylee, River, and Zoe decided to go out for a day at the spa and charge the bill to Simon. FYI.

Mal: Where are the girls?
Wash: They went to town as soon as we set down Cap….is there a problem?
Mal: No…no…just curious is all…
Simon: River went with them?
Wash: Yep. Kaylee insisted.
Jayne: They always get to do stuff.
Mal: Sewage taken care of yet?
(Jayne gives Mal a look just as the four girls come walking back to Serenity looking
Fab-U-Lous)
(The men are stunned)
Jayne: I’ll be in my bunk.
Kaylee: Don’t we all look pretty?
Wash: I…um…
Zoe: *pointing to Wash* You. Come with me.
Wash: Yes, Ma’am!
Zoe: Thanks Simon.
Inara: Thank you Simon.
Simon. Um….you’re welcome?
Kaylee: Inara knows the best places.
(River looks completely different. Her hair is permed and she is dressed all beautiful.)
River: I said I was broken. They tried to fix me.
Mal: Yes…umm…you girls have fun?
Kaylee: You bet. Thanks Simon.
Simon. No problem?
River: Yes, thank you Simon. *hands Simon the bill*
(Simon faints)
(Book looks over Simon)
Book: Should I say some words over the recently deceased?

18. Why did Wash decide to grow his hair long?

He loves the way Zoe pulls on his hair. Actually, more to the point, ZOE likes to pull on his hair. She demanded more of it.

19. Who is the hero of Canton, the man they call ____ ?

Roger.

No. Wait. Jayne.

20. In order to bring in more money, they decide to form a rock band. Who plays what instrument, who's their manager, and who directs their videos?

Zoe and Inara play guitar. Wash plays drums. Book plays bass. Mal sings. Simon is the manager. Jayne is the roadie/security. Kaylee plays keyboard and random noises. River directs their whacky videos.

Mal: She’s the visionary?
Simon: Well…..she has visions…

21. The crew decides to hold a wrestling competition. Which duo is up first and who wins?

Jayne and Book are first up because they workout together. Book wins the first match with his signature move, “The Bible Thumper”.

22. Zoe decides to write letters to her shipmates, telling them things she appreciates about them. Write out the contents of one of her letters.

Dear River,
Thank you for being absolutely crazy. You have brought interesting life to this sometimes boring boat. I’m actually a little jealous that you got to cut Jayne first. Next time aim lower.
Love,
Zoe

23. River got her hands on the battery-operated thing that Kaylee mentions in the movie. Does she know what it is?

(everyone is in the Kitchen/Hang out area)
Mal: What is that sound?
Kaylee: I don’t think it’s Serenity.
Mal: I don’t think so either. Jayne?
Jayne: Huh?
Mal: Nothing is going to go boom right now is it?
Jayne: I don’t know, ask the crazy one.
(Everyone looks to River holding the buzzy thingy)
River: I was going to use it to stir cake batter with.
(Everyone’s eyes widen, Kaylee is mortified)
Kaylee: umm…honey….let me hold onto that for you.
Jayne: I’d actually have me some of that cake.

24. Script a dialog in which Kaylee is lost, Mal ate too much, and Book is preoccupied.

(Kaylee is running through the woods trying to evade hill people)
Kaylee: Serenity? Please come to me. Please?
(Wash is trying to hurry Mal up in the bridge.)
Mal: Stick a fork in me I am done!
Wash: Cap, we HAVE to go find Kaylee.
Mal: Hold on a sec, at least let the food settle some. Woo-hoo that was some damn fine cake!
(Book is preoccupied trying to glue the pages back into his bible)
Book: Damn….girl….you…don’t…fix….the…bible!!

25. Script a dialog in which Jayne and Mal reveal their long-hidden love for each other.

Jayne: Umm….Mal?
Mal: Don’t say anything….you’ll ruin this moment.
Jayne: I…..I…..I……god I love brown!!
Mal: Take me Jayne! Take me hard!

26. The very secret diary of one of the crew members has been printed on the internet. Write out one passage.

Dear Diary,

Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Then we got snatched away by hillfolk never to be seen again, it was the best day ever!

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