Dead friends by Geezer

REAL WORLD EVENT DISCUSSIONS

Dead friends

POSTED BY: GEEZER
UPDATED: Monday, December 7, 2009 15:44
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VIEWED: 802
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Sunday, December 6, 2009 6:28 PM

Keep the Shiny side up

from time to time I google the names of folk I used to know a long time ago, usually with no luck. Yesterday I got a hit on the name of a fellow, call him Bear, I knew real well from the mid 70s to mid 80s. We had been real close, but he got heavy into blow about the time I moved from Atlanta to NOVA, in part to leave that life behind. I saw him last in maybe 1985/6 on a trip down South. Never found any info on him on-line till now. What I found was a death notice in his hometown paper (maybe they'd just gone digital?). He'd died in a hospital in Atlanta in 2001 at age 51. No cause was given, but knowing is lifestyle the last time I saw him, I expect the cocaine and other stuff got him.

I have to ask myself: if I could get out of that track, should I have tried harder to get him out too? When I moved I pretty much cut loose, as I thought he had his wife and other friends to (hopefully) provide support, and I couldn't live that life any more. Now I wonder if just a bit more trying - just one more call or visit - could have made a difference.

I know I'm probably just being maudlin and down after finding out about Bear, but it makes me wonder how much I could have done and didn't.

"Keep the Shiny side up"

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Sunday, December 6, 2009 7:06 PM

FREMDFIRMA

You can't save em all, Geeze.

Everyone who's ever tried goes through that guilt, and take it from me, it never gets any easier no matter how many you DO save, you'll always remember the ones you didn't, when your conscience creeps up on you in the dead of night and whispers dark things in your ear.

The fact that you're down about it, to that degree means you did try, at least in some small way, and all you can do - it's all you CAN do, you can't go living other peoples lives for em at the expense of your own cause it'll destroy you and them.

Cold comfort, I know, but in whatever hereafter there might be, he's no longer suffering, there's that much.

This pain is simply the price of being a decent human being, natures way of trying to help us not destroy each other, and should be embraced, rather than rejected, for to not feel it, is not be humane, which is the epitome of being human.

And really, that's all I can say to it.

-F

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Sunday, December 6, 2009 7:11 PM

CHRISISALL

Don't go down that "What if I had..." track, Geeze. It only leads to despair.
There's enough in this world to feel bad about without going all "temporal mechanics" on ourselves.

The laughing Chrisisall

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Sunday, December 6, 2009 7:13 PM

KWICKO

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)

Also, you have to consider that in trying to reach down and pull your friend up, he MIGHT have pulled you DOWN. I've seen people try, and I've walked into the lion's den myself a time or two, and I've seen and done enough to count myself lucky to still be here.

You can try, and you can offer support, but in the final analysis, it's not YOU who has the choice to "save" someone or not - it's THEM.

Mike

Work is the curse of the Drinking Class.
- Oscar Wilde

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Monday, December 7, 2009 5:23 AM

BYTEMITE

Also, you don't really know what happened to Bear because the article you found never said. With a nickname like "Bear" and the imagery I conjure up, sounds like he might have been a stocky fellow, so it could have been heart trouble or a multitude of other things.

The little pang of "what could *I* have done" can be insidious, especially when you hear about tragedy having befallen someone you once were close with then became distant. If you needed out of that lifestyle, then it's understandable if you saw your old friends less; recovering alcoholics don't tend to hang out with their drinking buddies for this reason. Gotta help yourself before you help other people. Since you don't know for certain, maybe your friend shook off the blow. Maybe he didn't, but either way, he made his own choices, and you aren't responsible for them.

Any guilt you feel will soften in time, but something I might recommend that might help you, if you feel up to it, is maybe getting involved in some community outreach towards people with similar problems. It can be frustrating and painful to volunteer this way, especially watching people struggle with the same things you struggled with, but at the same time, your experiences and insights would not only help them relate to you, but you could also be a role model, proof of a life after these drugs.

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Monday, December 7, 2009 5:48 AM

NIKI2

Gettin' old, but still a hippie at heart...

Whoops, Byte, you missed it. He said "call him Bear", so it was just a name to keep from using his real one. As well, Byte is right, Beezer; you can't KNOW he didn't change his life and get in a car accident or something; how futile would it be to be feeling guilty if it wasn't the coke that killed him anyway?

But everything you and everyone else said is very valid, and I hope Geezer can hear you. Especially the part about should you have tried harder. Geezer, you really GOT out, you moved to a new place and started over...do you really think he'd have been willing to do that? And if you'd stayed in touch after you moved, are you positive the temptation to visit (and all the problems that MIGHT have brought about) would have been something you could have resisted?

We can't take the world on our shoulders; no, it's not maudlin to feel the way you do, it's heartfelt and shows you were a good friend. But that's all you could ever have been, a "friend", and friends can't save us unless we want to be saved.

In the bipolar community, we try to always remember: "All feelings are valid; it's what you DO with them that counts". Don't self-flagelate, you don't deserve it.

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Monday, December 7, 2009 8:30 AM

IREMISST

I once heard something on a tv show, can't say which- and it sounds pretty harsh- but goes something like "No, you don't get to be so narcissistic as to believe that you can take responsibility for the way the Earth revolves around the Sun(or for things that are beyond your pervue)." Things so obvious now are much more vague then when they first happen...

That helped my granny, she still felt guilty for covering work for Aunt to go to a family gathering 40 years ago where my 4 year old cousin (other side of family) fell into a street and was ran over... But a babys dyin' is a hard thing, anyhow.

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Monday, December 7, 2009 1:41 PM

TRAVELER

I am just repeating what most everyone has already stated, but I will add my weight. You have one person on this Earth you have to take care of and that is yourself. What you do with your life is an example for others. By leaving your drug of choice and moving ahead in your life you were doing the best thing for all concerned. You may not be aware of it, but you certainly have helped people along the way by your example. There is no sin in reaching out a hand to help others. It is just that they need to reach out their hand and ask for help.
When I stoped using, I had to leave friends behind. I could not put a gun to their head and make them stop. They had to see by my example that a person can turn their life around. If they ignored it there was nothing more I could do. So keep moving ahead with your life and by that you continue to be a good example for others.

Take Care;
Traveler

http://www.imdb.com/mymovies/list?l=28764731
Traveler

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Monday, December 7, 2009 1:55 PM

RUE

I have a vote and I'm not afraid to use it!

I had a friend I knew was heading down the wrong track. I did as much as I could - offered my observations and whatever help I could provide. That friend went down their chosen path and we lost touch. Some time later I heard that friend had committed suicide. It was a shock. I spent some years wondering 'what if'. But it's a pointless path. Don't go down it - it doesn't lead anywhere.

***************************************************************

Silence is consent.

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Monday, December 7, 2009 3:44 PM

DREAMTROVE

Geezer,

Interesting question you pose.

Skipping the reality, that you don't know what killed Bear and perhaps can't, and that we can't defeat the randomness of the world, to the specific question of where does our moral obligation lie...

If I find an answer I'll get back to you. I've known a lot of people who were on the wrong track, and tried hard to set them right, and sometimes they stayed right, and sometimes they didn't.

As a friend says "Some people fall off the boat, and some people jump off the boat. You'll know the difference when you pull them back on the boat. The former, whether they thank you or not, will be there; latter will be in the water again next time you turn around."

My sister works for the VA and deals with a lot of substance abuse cases, and basically agrees with this, but adds irreverently "Oh, and of course there's a third type who can't find their boat with both hands." ;)

But, even so, I can't say for sure that salvation is in the boat. A good friend of mine died recently, a CEO of a corporation that people undouubtedly are familiar with for which I used to work, but also a personal friend. He was a straight arrow, and a hard worker. At 50, he died suddenly, while walking through the park. No reason.

I could tell similar stories, but I've also known people on the suicide track and seem to glide through life better than myself. At times, it makes me question my own judgment of what is the right track.

For now, what we can do?

Try to make sure that we know what the right track is. If we can call it the boat, and be fairly sure that we're right, then whenever possible, lend a hand, and pull someone back on board who has fallen off. If they jump off again, I'm tempted to say I've done my bit, they know where the boat is, should they ever care. As for the rest of it, work on my own understanding of what is the right path, and my ability to communicate that idea effectively to others.

[ramble coming]

Not to bring religion into it, because I think your question is a practical one, but Taoism is literally the quest for the path, and I think this is what everyone tries to do. If they're devout Christian, then the path is through Christ, but that doesn't mean the search for the true path of Christ ever ends.

As for the practical path, it's hard enough to find the path for yourself, to convince others of the idea that you have found it is even harder. I've said many times on this forum, show me an addict, and I can cure them. Chemically. But making them *want* to be cured is an entirely different task.

The addicts I've know have largely been people who want a life filled with fun parties, that goes at a high pace, it burns high and bright, and often not long enough. My own life is at a very slow sedate pace, and I probably spend too much time planning for the future, and not enough of it living life.

[/ramble]

Don't beat yourself up over it. People drift apart, and we all get lost in a sea of faces. I can think of many people who I no longer touch base with, people who I was close to who I would have nothing to say to, and people who simply aren't there anymore. If I continue this post, well, I'm going to sound like someone else here, so: River, you want to chip your two cents in?

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