KYRA BROWNCOAT ID#:20851   SINCE: 2006.06.23 10:57   LAST HERE: 2011.01.25 05:11   CREDITS: 6 Who we are depends on the outcome of the struggle between who we were and who we want to be

Kyra McTaggert had never kidded herself into believing that she was a good person. It wasn't that she'd set out to be mean towards others; or cold; or harsh. It was just the way things had gone. And whether she liked it or not, that was the image that she'd made for herself.
She'd left home before her sixteenth birthday, ran away with a man twice her age. It wasn't just for the thrill of it - she certainly didn't love him - it was because she knew how much it would anger her mother. She did it as a slap in the face, for all the slaps that she'd received from her. From one miserable home to another, she kept running, hoping to find that illusive reason to stay. She jumped between her homeworld of Alexandria to Regina and back again. She moved all over, even found herself married to a husband at one time. But it never lasted. The longest she'd stayed in a place was for six months. And then she found herself on Boros and secured a job at the Boros Bound, her first and last legitimate job as Kyra McTaggert. The uncle of her then-partner had gotten her the job as a favour to her, and for once she played nice. She had to. She'd grown tired of running. She was twenty five. And then she met Bernie.
It was just a job at first, an opportunity to make her name. It was a simple write up, that's all, but not for him. It could ruin him. But that was the point. It was a test. If he was foolish enough to trust her then it would prove the Editor's long-held opinion - that the Guild wasn't as secure an organisation as they made it out to be. Kyra used him, she lied to him, she almost ruined him. But she'd loved him. For once she'd found a reason to stay, a person to stay for. And she'd used him up and threw him away. She didn't deserve pity, she didn't deserve anything. And yet he found her again. And he forgave her. She thought he would be her redemption. If he could forgive her, maybe she could turn her life around. Maybe she could forgive herself. But that was a long time ago. The truth was, Bernie wasn't her redemption. He couldn't even save himself.

And then there was Luthor. She'd first met him barely a week after she had settled on Xiangsheng. He wasn't shy in making known his feelings for her, but she hadn't wanted to get involved. Not just because she was already living a lie - changing her name to Emma Roberts was a necessary step to getting away from Bernie - but because she knew she didn't deserve him. She didn't deserve happiness - call it her own self-imposed punishment. But Luthor's tenacity and determination was hard to ignore. And the closer they got to each other, the stronger her feelings became. She wanted to tell him the truth, but it would be another year before she told him everything. But meeting and, in turn, falling for him turned her around. Maybe she wasn't destined to live her life on her own. Maybe Luthor could bring her back into the light, could redeem her where Bernie couldn't. Maybe he was the one she was meant for after all.

The past few months she'd tried to take control of her life. She'd tried to stop pushing people away, even made some friends at the office, something she'd never really succeeded in at the Boros Bound. But when Clayton contacted her, all those memories had come flooding back, and the real person that she had been running away from all this time - herself - returned.
Kyra McTaggert had been a selfish woman, always had been. She'd never done anything in her life that didn't in some way benefit her. Even helping Bernie had been a selfish venture, when she thought about it. She wanted to help him because she felt bad within herself. It was never about him. Even now, when she missed him, she wondered why. What was the real reason why she had felt so devoted to him in the first place? Was it love? Or was it simply because he served as a reminder of who she really was? That being with him reminded her of her real need - her need to hate herself.
But she was beyond that now. Luthor had shown her what it meant to love and to be loved. She wasn't beyond hating herself, but now she had something more in her life. Not just Luthor, but the need to reach out and help. To help others, even those that don't deserve it, especially those ones. To offer them the same privilege that she was granted. A second chance.