Author's Note: Ok, I admit I have problems. The following selections are set to the music of Fiddler on the Roof. Except where speaking is designated, all lines should be sung (preferably in a thick Russian accent).

Selections from Tyrant on the Roof:

A Love and Guts Medley

Written for: The Great Adelai Niska

Performed by: The Niska Skyplex Goons and Torture Victims

Dedicated to: Niska’s Beautiful Wife, Olga, on This Day February 14, 2517: Their 45th Wedding Anniversary

[Setting: The curtain rises. Niska’s torture room set deep within the depths of his Skyplex. The Goons are hard at work making sure that Niska’s reputation remains solid in spite of the recent, regrettable escape of one Malcolm Reynolds. Olga Niska sits off in the corner carefully polishing various implements of “persuasion.” Enter, our hero, Adelai Niska, home at last from a hard day of “negotiations” and ready to enjoy the hard won comforts of his home and a little “entertainment.”]

Overture/Position [To the tune of “Tradition”]

(Niska)

Position, position! Position!

Position, position! Position!

(Niska speaking)

You know what is reputation? Is people talking, is gossip. Nothing. Position is solid, is power. Without position, we are like a . . . we are like a tyrant on the roof.

(Niska)

Position, position! Position!

Position, position! Position!

(Niska’s Goons)

He, day and night, must torture for a living,

Take his wife’s squawking; keep us goons in place.

Without a doubt he’s master of this skyplex.

But, don’t say that to Olga’s face.

To Niska, to Niska! Position.

To Niska, to Niska! Position.

(Olga)

I must know to the way to keep a proper home.

A comfort zone, a soft-warm bed.

If I ever fail to act like Doris Day,

I’m liable to lose my head.

(Torture Victims)

To Olga, to Olga! Position.

To Olga, to Olga! Position.

[Niska sets about “relaxing” which entails activities that are better left unsaid. Completely ignored by her husband, Olga stays off to a corner of the room. She is torn between wanting a little attention and relief that he hasn’t noticed her.]

Torturer, Torturer [To the Tune of Matchmaker]

(Torture Victim 1)

Torturer, torturer, please make it stop.

I’ll do the job, you’ll be on top.

Torturer, torturer, I’m on your hook,

I won’t even tell a cop.

(Torture Victim 2)

Torturer, torturer, where is your soul?

Please let me go. No! Drop that pole!

Just name your price, I’ll scratch that itch.

I’ll be your good and faithful bitch.

(Torture Victim 3)

For God’s sake why won’t listen?!

I’ve a family I’m longing to see.

(Torture Victim 4)

My entrails’s starting to glisten!

(Torture Victim Chorus)

We’ll do anything, just let us go free.

(Olga)

Adelai, Adelai, I’m getting bored.

Night after night, I'm on my own.

I’m sick and tired of being alone.

So please hear no pleas, book no more hooks,

Take no more jobs, just kill the slobs!

Oh, why can’t you hear my sobs?!

[Niska finally notices Olga standing off to the side of the room. He looks at her, reminiscing about how they met. Olga wonders if he’s planning to have her join the Torture Victims.]

Breathe In, Scream Out [To the Tune of Sunrise, Sunset]

(Niska)

Is this the beauty that I married?

When the hell she’d get so fat?

(Olga)

My luck, I married a psychotic.

He even skinned my cat.

(Niska)

I found her in the great gulag

Struggling just to survive.

(Olga)

And, then he killed my nephew.

I’m lucky to be alive.

Chorus:

(Torture Victims)

Breathe in, scream out

Breathe in, scream out

Painful are our days!

Flesh wounds turn overnight to gangrene,

Pus fills our blood soaked gaze.

(Niska’s Goons)

Knife thrust and twist

Knife thrust and twist

Slowly go the years!

One victim following another

Laden with entreaties and tears

(Niska)

Once upon a time she was pretty.

But I would not change her one bit.

(Olga Niska)

Niska are you coming to dinner?

Supper’s getting cold-

(Niska)

-Is it?

(Crow’s Ghost)

They look so natural together.

So much love for all to see.

(Niska)

Yes darling, we’ll dine in here tonight

Run now and fetch the tea.

[The Goons set up a small table set for two. Olga returns with tea and the couple settles down for an intimate meal, serenaded by the moans and whimpers of Niska’s victims.]

Would You Kill Me? [To the Tune of Do You Love Me?]

(Olga speaking)

Adelai, I’ve decided to change the curtains in our bedroom. I was thinking yellow silk might add a cheerful glow to the room.

(Niska speaking)

What??? Silk is expensive. Since Reynolds, business not so solid. I swear I could kill you for all the money you spend.

(Olga speaking)

I was just suggesting. You must learn to relax. Think of your ulcer. Most men your age have retired. You are still running around like a warlord half your age. Having homes burned. Children enslaved. Oy! I don’t know where you get the strength to kill these days. Even Stalin took a vacation now and then [She pauses looking at him intently]. . . Adelai

(singing)

Would you kill me?

(Niska)

Would I what?!

(Olga)

Would you kill me?

(Niska)

Would I kill you?

With the business all in shambles

And Reynolds running aroun’

I’m upset, I’m worn out

Go upstairs, go lie down!

I’ve no time for stupid question

(Olga speaking)

Adelai, I’m asking you the question. . .

(singing)

Would you kill me?

(Niska grumbling)

You are silly woman

(Olga speaking)

I know . . .

(singing)

But would you kill me?

(Niska)

Would I kill you?

For forty-five years we’ve shared a ship

Burned down towns, quashed small moons

Across the verse we’ve made heads bow

After forty-five years, why speak of killing now?

(Olga)

Niska, the first time I met you

A gun was to my head

I was scared

(Niska, smiling embarrassedly)

I was nervous. I was shy.

(Olga)

I thought I was going to die

But you spared my life and my brother

Since then we’ve belonged to each other

And now I’m asking, Niska

Would you kill me?

(Niska)

You’re my wife

(Olga speaking)

I know . . .

(singing)

But would you kill me?

(Niska)

Would I kill you?

For forty-five year we’ve share a bed

I’d rather die, than see you dead

Forty-five years my life is yours

When I’m with you my heart soars

(Olga)

Then you love me?

(Niska)

You could say that, yes

(Olga)

And I could say I love you too

(Both)

This doesn’t change a thing

(Olga)

I’ll still sleep with one eye open

(Niska)

Put a foot wrong, I’ll have that foot broken

(Both)

But even so

After forty-five years

It’s nice to know

[Having finally admitted their mutual love after forty-five years of leaving a bloody trail through the verse, Olga and Niska, joined by the Goons and Torture Victims come together for the big finale.]

Position Reprise [Again, to the Tune of Tradition]

(Niska and Olga)

Position, position! Position!

Position, position! Position!

(Olga)

He, day and night, may threaten to kill me but

He’s still my honey-

(Niska)

-Don’t call me that.

Man must work to keep his position solid

But it all means nothing . . .

(Both)

Without his beloved

(Chorus of Goons and Torture Victims)

To Love, to Niska! Position!

To Love, to Olga! Position!

[The curtain drops. In payment for their brilliant performance the Goons and Torture Victims get the rest of the night off. Niska and Olga retire upstairs to properly celebrate their anniversary.]

Fin!