AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story was inspired by the moment in 'War Stories' when Kaylee failed to shoot the bad guys in Niska's skyplex. What would happen if Kaylee actually killed someone? This is a pretty dark, emotional story. I'm not really sure what to think of it. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

This story is rated R for dark, emotional and angst filled content. It also contains a brief moment of horror from the beginning.

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Kaylee stared down at her hands and shuddered. Fresh blood covered her fingers. She smeared it across her palms, hoping and praying that it was all a dream. Her eyes slowly drifted to the lifeless body on the ground - a young man dressed in Alliance fatigues. Kaylee sobbed. This wasn’t happening. Suddenly, the Alliance soldier’s eyes snapped open. His white, soulless gaze lingered towards the young mechanic. “Murderer.” he whispered. Kaylee jerked herself from her sleep, sweat pouring down her face. Her heart pounded erratically inside her chest. Every muscle in her body felt weak. She ran a hand across the back of her neck and started to cry. The bad dreams had returned. Zoe had explained there would be nightmares - a natural occurrence after your first kill. Everything had changed. Kaylee felt different. Darkness had crept deep inside and blackened her soul. Kaylee looked around the engine room, fresh tears stung her eyes. Through blurred vision, she could make out Simon as he edged forward to hold the mechanic in a loving embrace. “Shh. It’s okay. You’re safe now. I’m here.” he assured. “The nightmares have gone.” The words drifted over Kaylee’s head. They didn’t make any sense, nothing seemed to make much sense anymore. Kaylee had wanted to be alone in her own state of misery, but Simon would have none of it. He insisted that he stay the night to keep her safe. Kaylee was angry, with herself and what she had become. In truth, she didn’t know who she was anymore. She had become a stranger to herself as much to those on board the ship. Her life and everything that she had stood for had ceased to exist. Just like the life that she took away that day. There was no one in the ‘verse that could understand. Simon had tried, as any doctor would in this situation - although that was the problem with Simon Tam. He was trying to be a doctor first rather than her lover. Kaylee pushed away Simon’s affections and faced the bulkhead wall. Simon fell to the floor, a look of dejection crossed his face. Having a relationship with Simon had its problems - even more so after that day. The thought of being intimate with another person made her skin crawl. How could she use the hands that took someone’s life to love another? Kaylee grabbed her blanket and drew it closer towards her chest. Kaylee cried once more, unable to hold back the pain that swelled deep inside. “I want to help you.” Simon replied. “I don’t want you to suffer. Let me help you.” “No!” Kaylee cried. “I want you to go away!” In a fit of frustration, Kaylee threw the blanket across herself, covering her face. Simon looked on quietly, a glint of concern filled his eyes. There was nothing else he could do, whether he wanted to or not and that pained him. Simon moved to his feet and took a final glance in Kaylee’s direction. As he moved away, he could hear Kaylee sobbing from beneath the covers. Kaylee startled to giggle, wiping the tears from her face. The worst part of it all was that it had been an accident. She laughed to herself. It almost seemed intentional. She never imagined that anything like this could happen to her. She had made a promise that she would never touch another gun after the day she had helped rescue her Captain. Even back then she couldn’t pull the trigger. The sight of guns made her feel sick. The Alliance had surrounded them so quickly. They had completed their latest job and were about to move off world before the alarm was raised. It was claimed that Badger had another job lined up for them too. A new batch of cargo was waiting for them on Elysium. Although, they had walked straight into a trap, orchestrated by unknown forces. It didn’t surprise the young mechanic if the little man had something to do with it. They were lucky to get out alive. The Captain had ordered a full withdrawal as soon as he caught sight of the grey uniforms. It seemed easy, despite the fact that several Alliance soldiers had now taken a hold of her, and dragged her into the back of one of their vehicles. Kaylee had admitted defeat until River had suddenly appeared from nowhere. The troubled girl had made a habit of it on board the ship, which always sent an uneasy shiver down the mechanic’s spine. River emerged from the side of the vehicle, knocking one of the guards to the ground. The second guard had raised his weapon in River’s direction, preparing to shoot. Without a second thought, Kaylee had dived out of the back of the vehicle, sending the young man flying. Kaylee grabbed the pulse rifle and pointed it at the soldier’s chest. The soldier growled angrily, and lunged towards her. Kaylee gasped, feeling the rifle shudder in her hands. It was then that she saw the guard’s lifeless body fall to the ground. Before she had realised what she had done, River grabbed her hand and blended themselves into the surrounding crowd. It almost seemed like a bad dream. Suddenly, the engine room doors slid open and Mal appeared on the other side. “Could I have a word Doctor?” he asked. Simon nodded. “Of course.” he said quietly. Simon took a final look towards Kaylee’s hammock and slid the door shut behind him. Mal stood in the middle of the corridor with his arms folded across his chest. “How’s she fairing?” he asked. “I’m not sure there’s any more I can do for her.” Simon declared. “She won’t let anyone near her. I’ve already tried but she won’t speak.” “I don’t think you understand what she’s going through son.” Mal replied. “Give her time. It’s been a shock to her system.” Simon nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “I’d say.” “Give her a few days and hopefully she’ll come around, start making herself a part of the crew again.” Mal said, walking away. “Uh, Captain?” Simon called. “I was hoping that maybe you could talk to her?” Mal turned around and let out a sigh. “There ain’t much we can do for her if she ain’t willing to talk. What makes you think I could do a better job than what’s already been done?” “I thought that she may open up if you talked to her.” Simon explained. “You are the captain after all.” “That may be so.” Mal replied. “Don’t see how I could be of any more help is all.” Simon watched as Mal made his way towards the bridge. “Try, Captain. Please, for Kaylee’s sake and for the rest of your crew.” he called. Mal nodded. The young doctor had a point on this occasion. The boy had a good heart too. He made his way back towards the engine room. “Okay, I’ll see what I can do.” Mal said, placing a reassuring hand on Simon’s shoulder “But I ain’t promising anything.” Simon nodded and watched as Mal pushed open the engine room door and step through onto the other side. It had been three days since the incident. Three days since Kaylee had locked herself away from the rest of the crew. He couldn’t believe that so much pain could transform his once cheery mechanic. Mal sat himself down on the floor beside Kaylee’s hammock. “How are you feeling?” he asked, looking up at the ominous form hiding inside Kaylee’s hammock. “Just shiny Captain. Just shiny.” came a muffled reply. “It don’t sound like you’re shiny.” Mal replied. “Let me see your face.” Kaylee slowly sat up, her familiar round features emerging from beneath the blanket. Her cheeks were crimson and swollen from so much crying. Several strands of hair stuck to the side of her face, hiding her strong youthful features. “That’s better.” Mal beamed. ”Now I can see my mechanic.” Suddenly, Kaylee sprang to her feet and knocked Mal onto his back. Mal lay stalwart on the floor, allowing the mechanic to pound on his chest, until eventually she broke down in tears. “That’s good. Let it all out.” Mal said. “Get out!” Kaylee screamed. Kaylee sobbed and collapsed to the floor. Mal took a hold of the young mechanic’s arms and carefully eased her back into her hammock. “I won’t have my mechanic hurting herself.” Mal declared. Kaylee shook her head. “I’m a killer Cap’n, plain and simple. You can stop looking for your genius mechanic. You won’t find her.” she declared. Mal let out a sigh. “That ain’t true Kaylee and you know it. Just ‘cause you shoot a person in self defence, it don’t make you a killer.” Kaylee punched the blanket covering her legs. “I took a person’s life, that don’t make things right!” Kaylee explained. Mal shifted his weight, moving himself closer to the side of the hammock. “You know, back on Shadow, when I was a kid-” he began. “I don’t want to hear it Cap’n.” Kaylee said bluntly. “I’m sorry, but I ain’t in the mood for one of your stories. Just want to be left alone is alone is all.” “We’re all alone Kaylee.” Mal replied. “I won’t have my best mechanic sitting in the dark when she’s hurting, and there ain’t no one around that can help her.” Mal replied. “I don’t need any help Captain. I want to be left alone!” Kaylee said angrily. Mal let out a sigh. “The young doc disagrees with that notion, and I’m inclined to say that he has a point.” he said. “He loves you. The boy‘s just trying to do what’s best for you-” “What’s best for me?!” Kaylee interrupted. “He’s a gorram doctor. He doesn’t understand what I’m going through, or the monster I’ve became!” Mal wearily drew a hand across his face and looked the mechanic straight in the eyes. “That may be so. But, if you were a monster, would I be sitting here talking to you right now? The doc may not understand, but there are people on this boat that do, and I’m one of them.” he replied. Kaylee looked deep into the captain’s eyes and saw the honesty that she had come to appreciate from him. Mal leaned forward, clasping his hands around his knees. “It ain’t easy knowing that you’ve killed someone, it ain’t easy at all - especially if it were an accident.” he explained. “It’s happened to Zoe, Jayne and me. But, we all make choices, sometimes the wrong ones, sometimes the right ones in order to survive, and people get in the way. It don’t make you a monster unless you allow it. We’re not monsters are we?” Kaylee shook her head. “’Course not Cap’n.” “You’re a part of this crew Kaylee and we need you.” Mal stressed. ”The way I see it, you risked your life to save River’s, and I need more people like that on my boat. All that matters is that you know when to make the right decision, and you made the right one. For that we’re grateful.” “But no one had to die.” Kaylee cried. “It don’t matter." Mal stressed. “You can’t change what’s already done. It can only make you stronger. You can’t spend the rest of your life hurting over what ifs. Don’t see much need for it is all. You’re stronger than this Kaylee. Don’t let the darkness take away that cheery face. You did good and that’s all that matters.” Kaylee wiped the tears from her eyes. She sat quietly for a moment, absorbing the Captain’s words. “Now, get dressed and meet me outside the infirmary. I believe Simon needs a strong person right about now.” Mal added in jest. Kaylee stood up and stretched out her arms to hug her captain. “Thank you.” she sniffed “It’s really meant something, you being here Cap’n.” “That’s alright Kaylee.” Mal smiled. “What are Captain’s for?” Kaylee smiled softly in response. She really did love her Captain.

***

It had been half an hour since Mal’s discussion with Kaylee. Mal now stood quietly in the cargo bay, staring thoughtfully at the floor below. “Is everything all right?” Inara said, emerging from the other side of her shuttle door. “I hear that Simon asked you to have a talk with Kaylee?” Mal nodded. “That he did and yes, everything’s shiny.” he assured. “The girl needed to release her pain is all. Couldn’t let it build up inside.” “How is she doing?” Inara asked, joining him alongside the balcony. Mal rested his arms against the railings and let out a sigh. “She’s doing just fine.” he replied. “Might take a few days to readjust, get things clear in her mind. At least she ain’t angry with herself. The girl’s been through a lot past few days. She’s got a strong heart though.” Inara turned to face Mal and smiled softly. “I hope that you’re right.” “We’ll have to wait and see.” Mal replied.

***

Simon worked quietly in the infirmary, examining the results of River’s latest blood test. A minute never passed without a single thought of Kaylee running through his mind. He hoped that the Captain knew what he was doing. He had never felt so useless on board the ship. In the background, Kaylee stood quietly, watching Simon as he moved away from the worktop. She turned to face the Captain standing on the stairwell. Mal nodded and gestured to the doctor through the glass. Simon slowly turned, catching sight of something at the corner of his eye. He froze, spotting Kaylee in the doorway. Her head was slightly tilted towards the floor in apprehension as she looked at him from across the room. “Can I come in?” Kaylee asked. “Of course. How are you feeling?” Simon asked, rushing forward to greet her. Kaylee smiled. “I’m okay now.” she said sheepishly. Simon wrapped his arms around the mechanic and planted a kiss on the top of her head. Kaylee smiled once more, nestling her face into Simon’s chest. “Do you think that they’ll get through this?” Inara asked as she watched the couple through the glass. Mal nodded. “Sometimes you can fix what’s broken.” he said cryptically.

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