The Edge of the Void (or, did I really choose this life?) by nRkangel

NRKANGEL'S BLOG

nRkangel

The Edge of the Void (or, did I really choose this life?)
Thursday, July 15, 2004

Hey, I just read the recent blogs from Jewel Staite and the interviews with Adam Tudyk! Great stuff! I just wish that there was a location on this site specifically geared to the postings, writings and interviews of the cast members. (if there is, could someone please tell me gently so I don't feel quite so stupid?) It's sooo cool to see people who love what they do doing it for our sakes as well as their own and it also feels great to know that they care enough about the fans to share the experience with us.

Well, this week is the week I finally find out what the company has in mind for my exit strategy. Funny, in an American company, you tell them you're leaving and when. In a Japanese company there's so much more to deal with as far as negotiations about when and how.

(Of course I could handle it the American way, but if I want to arrange a departure package, I have to give something in return. Which, in this case, is the time for them to make arrangements to replace me.)

Anyway, this week is the week of our big (semiconductor industry) tradeshow here on the west coast and we have people coming in from Japan, Singapore, Korea and our New York offices. I'm supposed to have a meeting with one of the bigwigs from our Japan office tomorrow who will tell me the schedule they worked out and the package they would like to propose. I guess the negotiations really start in ernest then.

This experience I'm having is really liberating and not a little frightening. To think that I'll soon be unemployed for the first time in fifteen years is daunting. Amusingly most of the guys I'm with at the show aren't even aware that I'm a short-timer so I'm having a lot of fun with my little secret in my head. (I've been asked to keep this quiet until the final issues are decided.)

One BIIIIIG positive is that I will no longer have to suffer the slings and arrows of our tradeshow experience anymore. After years of co-ordinating everything from booth design and amenities to setting up and taking down the equipment I'm in charge of, I'm soooo ready to give it all up and chuck it out the window. It's funny, but for a looooong time now, my year has basically had two markers. One was Christmas time when I took two weeks off (which I had never had a chance to do in retail) and the other was mid-July for the Semicon Tradeshow. Not having this particular rock to roll uphill makes me darned near giddy.

For all of my adult life I've lived the practical, "let's make something of ourselves" way that parents and society smile upon. I've studied, written, planned, worked and climbed my little ladder in business and have found that, while the challenge of my job has been enjoyable and the experiences were generally worthwhile, the essential passions of my life have been supplanted by the persona I've had to develop to do what I do successfully.

Many moons ago, 'fer skool, I read "Steppenwolfe" by Hesse. Not a happy writer, that guy... Still, over time I've found myself identifying more and more with his character. That thought has not made me a happier person, let me tell you. While I'm not quite the old guy in the book who lives a bitter existence until he learns his lessons late in life, what worries me is that I could end up that way.

I look around my office and I see papers stuck up on boards, manuals and tools on shelves, schematics laying out with parts from different projects and not a few mementos - a stuffed bear and bottle of wine (unopened) gifts from customers that make the whole idea of departing that much more bittersweet. Leaving it all makes me realize how transitory everything is. It's like looking at a huge sandcastle. All that work. All that stressing and worrying and laughing. All that mileage to distant places and in a few weeks or months it'll be washed away, leaving little to no trace of me in this world.

Why am I so happy to leave it? Well, imagine that you have a passion inside you to do "something". Imagine that you've only have a rudimentary knowledge of how to accomplish it. At heart you know that you don't have a clue if you can overcome the obstacles, but the call is still there. People look strangely at you and friends say "are you sure?".

(Does the fact that everyone believes that it's impossible mean that you shouldn't try? The song says "Time passes quickly and chances are few" but to paraphrase Lloyd Dobbler from "Say Anything", "You've just described the greatest success stories ever written.")

Of course the fare for the jaunt could be steep. The cost is letting go of money and security and a safety net. But that's the human condition at it's best, I guess. The thing that could be most important to us is always the most costly.

My romantic side says that in another world, another "me" has already made the safe choice. It tells me that he will live fairly well and be materially satisfied at the closing of his life, but will always ask himself what might have been had he been the me who dared to risk everything on a chance to grow into something more. (Stupid romantic side talks too much...)

So, I'm going to learn to close a book. Learn to open another. To try a new restaurant and book spur-of-the-moment airplane tickets to someplace I've never been (I have enough frequent flyer miles, for goodness sake) just because I can. I'm going to try and free myself from my automatic responses and find out what should have come naturally.

I'm on the last chapter of this particular "book of me" and so far, the ending looks pretty good. I can't wait to see how the next one reads. The protagonist might even have to find someone to settle down with. Wouldn't that be a shocker? Whatever happens, it's going to be so cool.

I Can't Stop Loving You
- Toto

(No, this song isn't directed to anyone in particular, it's the passion with which it's sung that makes it meaningful for today.)

COMMENTS

Wednesday, July 21, 2004 5:16 AM

LIZ

i somehow missed this when it was on the front page... just wanted to say good luck. and i'm ridiculously happy for you and commend your daring. i hope to do the same soon.

Good for you for going for it!!!

Thursday, July 15, 2004 3:09 PM

HELL'S KITTEN

Whoa, nice blog. For a minute, I thought I had written this. Will you be my guinea pig and let me know how it works out for ya?

Thursday, July 15, 2004 11:47 AM

HASLINGER

go for it....

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