She was on the bridge when Mal found her. She sat ramrod straight in the pilot's seat, not slumping, as Wash would have done. It was the stance of a soldier. She stared out into the black, unmoving, showing no sign of noticing him. Mal backed out silently, not wanting to disturb her mourning. ************************

Zoe blinked. She watched Mal's reflection as he came bounding up the steps in his ususal way, watched as he arkwardly shuffled backwards. She made him edgy, now. She didn't acknowledge him on purpose, hoping he would leave by himself. Thankfully it worked, she really needed to be alone right now. A month had passed since they left Miranda, but the pain of losing Wash was still razor sharp. She liked to come up here, when they were flying, just sit in his chair, remembering times they had shared, remembering his smile, the way he worried about her when she was out on a job, how his unruly red-blonde hair always looked like he had just gotten out of bed. Remembering him. She looked down at the plastic dinosaur that she held cradled like a baby in her hands. It was his favourite. No, had been his favourite. They were all still there, arranged on the console, all his dinosaurs. She would never let anyone move them, just like she would never move his gaudy, eyesmarting Hawaiian shirts from the waderobe in their room. A memory jerked in to life in her mind. She often played out times with him in her head, not that she would tell any of the others, they just wouldn't understand. It was the night Mal and Kaylee went to that big shindig on Persephone. She and Wash had stayed ship-side, and, amongst other things, they had joked about Jayne coming into their room and killing her in a bid to take over Serenity. What was it he had said? "I'll read a nice poem at the funeral. Something with imagery." She hadn't said anything at his funeral, never mind read a poem. She had known that if she even opened her mouth then they would come; the multitude of painful tears that had been building up inside her since that cursed spike had come crashing through the windscreen. They were still in there waiting for the chance to burst out, to come coursing down her face like a waterfall. But she wouldn't, couldn't let them. Once she began to cry, she knew that she would never, ever be able to stop. She stared blankly out at the featureless black sky again. Sometimes a tear or two would leak out, like the one now, that she watched roll sluggishly down her cheek, but if anything, they just made it worse. Something caught her eye in the refelection on the newly repaired windscreen. What was that? Wash! There he was, clear as day sauntering towards her like nothing had ever happened, hands jammed in his flight suit pockets, his face split by a mischevious grin. For the first time since Miranda , Zoe smiled too. Joy builing up inside her, she whirled round from the chair, ready to cry out in pure happiness. It died on her lips. There was no-one there. Save for her and the dinosaurs, the bridge was empty. Pain slammed into her chest. She had just imagined it. Broken, she turned back to the console. She caught sight of herself in the windscreen. She had to pull herself together. Her time of grief was over, for now at least. She had to be strong. For the crew, for Serenity, for herself. But most importantly, she had to be strong for Wash.