Fandom: Firefly Series: Equations Title: Honesty Ain't Always the Best Policy Author: meimei42 (Dani) 30_angsts Theme(s): Pairing/Characters: Jayne/Kaylee Rating: PG Disclaimer/claimer (if needed): Post BDM, I do not own any of it. Summary: Kaylee and River have a talk Word Count: 2626

Author's Note: Betaed by Squish who helped a whole lot with this chapter and my writers block. Thanks to Reenie for sending my muse chocolate. This is for my 30_angsts challenge. Depending on how well behaved my muse is, I will write more soon hopefully. Italics is flashback. Image by the wonderful Maantre.

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Kaylee knocked on the shuttle door and after a moment it opened with a soft whoosh. The mechanic gave Inara a tearful smile and crossed her arms protectively over her chest.

“Mei mei, are you alright?” Inara asked, taking the Kaylee’s arm and gently pulling her into the shuttle. The companion led her to the bed and gently set her down. “What’s going on?”

“Oh, ‘Nara, I don’t know what t’think no more,” Kaylee whispered, sniffling and whipping her nose. She looked over at the companion and bit her lip to keep it from quivering.

“What happened, please tell me,” Inara said softly, soothing the mechanic’s hair back.

“Ain’t nothin’ more than usual and that’s jus’ the problem. We got into a fight again t’night. I don’t even remember what it was about now,” Kaylee shook her head. “It’s been like that for a long while now and I don’t know what t’do.”

“Kaylee, every marriage has their rough patches,” Inara said, smiling to try and cheer the mechanic up. Kaylee just shook her head.

“Not like this, Inara, not like this. We fight all the time, ‘bout stuff that mostly don’t matter. He talks over my head and then gets so frustrated when he’s gotta spell stuff out for me. It’s like I’m a burden t’him I ain’t been happy for months. Simon and I can’t go more than a day without upsetting each other, people shouldn’t be doing that to each other, not when they love them. Not even fixin’ my girl makes me happy. All I can think ‘bout is if I’m gonna get grease on somethin’ I ain’t supposed to. He used t’think I was cute all covered in grease, now it’s just a nuisance, ya know? I’m not even allowed in the infirmary when I’ve been workin’ on the engine. Guess I don’t blame him for that,” she shrugged.

“Kaylee, are you truly unhappy?” Inara asked, her brow furrowing in concern.

“I want out, ‘Nara. I thought I could do this, I thought I could fight through it, but I just can’t. I ain’t been happy for a long while and I want t’be happy again.” Kaylee hugged herself closely and choked down a sob.

“Have you talked to him?” Inara asked, petting Kaylee’s hair and rubbing her back.

“Once. He thought I was overreactin’, makin’ too much out of nothin’,” Kaylee shrugged. “I don’t know what t’do.”

“I don’t know, mei mei,” Inara whispered. “Just give it some more time.”

~*~*~*~*~

Kaylee chewed on her lip and looked down at the ground. She could feel Simon’s eyes burning into her. She should say something, but finding the words were harder than she imagined they would be. “Simon…” her voice trailed off. There was a beat before she felt the bed shift as Simon took a seat next to her.

“Whatever it is, Kaylee, just say it,” he gently coaxed.

“Things ‘tween us well…they ain’t exactly been right lately. We fight…a lot, almost seems like we don’t wanna be ‘round each other. Not since that night at the ballroom,” Kaylee whispered.

“I know. I should have said something…I was just upset about the medicine.” Simon sighed and the room was filled with silence again. Kaylee tried to think how she could say this, how she could do this without breaking his heart.

“We don’t fit,” she said after a moment.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kaylee fidgeted with her hands, she knew things weren’t going right. She was trying though. Smiling up at Dr. Anderson, she tried to be as pleasant as possible. It wasn’t working though, he didn’t believe them. “You sure I can’t get you nothin’?” Kaylee inquired, trying to seem as proper as possible. The look Simon shot her told her she had failed.

“No Miss Lily, I won’t be requiring anything this evening,” Dr. Anderson nodded his head. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a prior engagement I must attend to.” The older doctor bowed and turned to leave. Kaylee watched Simon tense for a moment and then look at her.

“He’s backing out of the deal,” Simon said softly. He looked around the room before taking Kaylee’s hand to lead her out of the ballroom. “We need to leave before Dr. Anderson has us escorted out.”

“What? Why?” Kaylee asked, turning to watch the retreating figure of the older doctor as he left.

“He doesn’t believe we are who we say we are,” Simon said quickly. “We scared him off, Kaylee. We were posing as a young core doctor and his wife, I don’t think he bought it.”

“Ain’t a soul in the ‘verse that wouldn’t think you’re a ‘core’ doctor,” Kaylee said. Simon gave her a look that said he wasn’t the one who was unbelieveable. “It was me, huh?”

“I…that medicine…the studies on it…it could have been exactly what River needed. Now we’ll never know,” Simon shook his head, frustration evident on his face. “I just wish…” His voice trailed off and he stopped talking. Kaylee knew anytime Simon got like that he was thinking something he didn’t dare say.

“Wish what?” she asked wearily.

“Nothing, Kaylee,” he shook his head.

“You wish I was like them,” Kaylee said, indicating towards the other fancy women in the ballroom.

“I didn’t say that,” Simon sighed. He looked around the ballroom one last time before pulling Kaylee outside. They were a ways from the docks, they still had a long way to walk to reach Serenity..

“Didn’t have to, Simon,” she said quickly.

“You’re putting words into my mouth now and that isn’t fair,” Simon said, stopping and turning to face her. “I’ve never said I wanted you to be like them.”

“You didn’t say it but can you honestly say you never thought it?” Kaylee asked. Simon didn’t answer and Kaylee shook her head, walking past him. “I knew it. I’m sorry I messed up the deal, Simon. Certainly wasn’t my intention.”

“Kaylee, don’t do this, not here,” he said, motioning around to the few people who were outside of the ballroom taking in the night’s air.

“Don’t want me t’embarrass you here in front of all them fancy people?” Kaylee asked, not slowing her step as Simon followed after her.

“No I don’t,” he said pointedly.

“Fine, I’ll stop making a scene, but I want the truth from you Simon. Do you really wish I was like them women? Don’t you dare lie t’me. Is that what you want? At least some of the time?” Kaylee asked as she stopped walking and faced him. He was silent for a long moment and Kaylee felt near to tears just standing there while he didn’t say anything.

“Yes,” he finally whispered. Kaylee opened her mouth to say something but he stopped her. “You don’t understand, Kaylee. I never saw my life turning out like this. If River hadn’t…if the alliance hadn’t taken her…”

“They you could be with your fancy wife right now. And she would be pretty and proper and perfect. Someone who wasn’t below you?” Kaylee asked.

“Kaylee…”

“No I understand, I understand perfectly, Simon. I ain’t good ‘nough for you, but since you’re a wanted fugitive and no one else will take you, you’ll settle for me. That about sum it up?” she asked.

“Don’t do this,” he whispered.

“I love you, Simon, but I ain’t ever been with someone who could make me feel so rotten ‘bout myself,” she shook her head and quietly walked away. Simon sighed and watched her go.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“I’m trying, Kaylee. This has never been what I expected life to be like for me. I thought that I would be at the hospital forever. Sometimes I say things that…I’ve always put my foot in my mouth, bao bei.” Simon reached over and took Kaylee’s hand. She felt her heart sink into the pit of her stomach; she shook her head gently and pulled away. Her hands felt dirty in his, soiled some how. No matter how hard she washed, she couldn’t get rid of the filthy feeling.

“You shouldn’t love me, Simon, I poison people. I ain’t worth lovin’. You may have hurt me with words, but I’ve cut you a lot deeper,” she whispered, her voice cracked as she spoke.

“Whatever it is, Kaylee, just say it,” he urged her.

“I, uh…oh god…I don’t know how to say this,” she breathed out. Her chest was tightening at the thought of Simon knowing. “I’ve been…I cheated on you, Simon. Been cheatin’ on you for a few weeks now.” There was silence in the bunk and Kaylee finally worked up the nerve to look at Simon. He wasn’t looking at her, just staring blankly at the wall.

“You, um…cheated on me? I mean…cheated?” he asked, shaking his head in disbelief.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Sorry? It’s little late for sorry, isn’t it?” Simon asked.

“I know. I ain’t expectin’ you t’forgvie me. Just thought I ought t’be fair and come clean. Ain’t never meant to hurt you, things just happened,” Kaylee whispered.

“I can’t…I don’t know how to deal with this right now, Kaylee. I have to think. I…I can’t believe this. You…I guess I just don’t understand,” Simon said softly.

Kaylee nodded and stood up. “I’ll let you think on it for now,” she said, walking over to the ladder.

“Who?” Kaylee stopped when she heard Simon’s question. She bit her lip, not sure she should answer. He deserved the truth though and she had come this far already.

“Does it matter?” she asked.

“I think it does. Who did you sleep with? I have an idea, but I just want to confirm it. Call it morbid curiosity.” He looked up at her and Kaylee felt herself shrink back some. The anger that hid behind his eyes was frightening.

“Jayne,” she said, one of her hands on holding a ladder rung.

“Jayne!” Simon yelled, jumping up. Kaylee jumped, her grip on the ladder tightening.

“Who’d you think?” Kaylee asked confused.

“I thought Mal…you two have always been close and then when we fought today…but Jayne? Kaylee, what on earth was going through your head?!” Simon’s voice was beginning to rise; she could sense the hurt and anger radiating off him like he was the sun.

“Calm down, Simon,” Kaylee pleaded.

“You want me to calm down?” Simon asked incredulously. “You have been sleeping with another man! I can’t even comprehend what could possibly go through your head and make you do that.” There was a pause as Kaylee watched as the anger in Simon nearly boiled over. “You’re no better than those women Jayne is with at every port. And you made me feel guilty for wanting more from my life. I deserve more, Kaylee.” He shook his head and turned away from her.

Kaylee felt like she had been slapped. She knew it was true, probably deserved worse, but she was still in shock. Her eyes stung with unshed tears, but her feet refused to move.

“Please leave,” Simon asked, uprooting her from the ground finally.

Kaylee scurried up the ladder as fast as she could. She pulled the hatch door closed behind her and took a deep breath. She could feel the emotion of what just happened ready to break down the barrier she had put up. She needed to find safe harbor before she broke down.

“Kaylee?” The mechanic spun around, surprised to find Jayne standing there. The look of concern on his face was too much.

“Not now, Jayne,” she shook her head, turning away from him and heading for the engine room. Jayne followed after her, his heavy boots clanking on the metal grate.

“Talk t’me, Kaylee,” Jayne demanded.

“Don’t feel much like talkin’ right now,” Kaylee brushed him off, stepping into the engine room and grabbing up a tool off the ground.

“I’m gonna kill him,” Jayne swore.

“You ain’t gonna do nothin’ of the sort, Jayne,” Kaylee ordered. “I told him ‘bout us, his anger right now is a whole lot less than I deserved. I cheated on him, everything that Simon has done, cheatin’ on him ain’t what should have been comin’ to him.”

“You’re better than any woman I’ve ever been around, Kaylee. Ain’t your fault he ain’t been there for you. I think that prissy doctor of yours needs a lil’ talkin’ to,” Jayne shook his head and turned to go back towards her bunk.

Kaylee jumped up and ran after Jayne. Finally catching him as he reached the crew quarters, she grabbed at his arm just as her bunk open and Simon emerged. The two men stared at each other for a moment and Kaylee immediately put herself in between the two men.

“Jayne,” she said warningly. His big hands gently pushed her aside, his eyes never leaving the doctors.

“Why don’t you let the big boys play, Kaylee,” Jayne suggested. “Outside?”

“Don’t do this, Jayne,” Kaylee said, pulling at his arm.

“First you mess around with my wife and now you want to beat me up?” Simon snarked. “Such a wonderful crewmate you are. How was it you signed on again? It was being a traitor, wasn’t it?”

“I don’t mess ‘round with married women,” Jayne grinned, ignoring the rest of what Simon had said. The thought of doing violence to the doctor was making Jayne too happy to care much about what Simon had to say.

“What do you call Kaylee then?” Simon asked, motioning to the mechanic whom Jayne had pushed behind him.

“You ain’t been that girl’s husband for a long while now. Outside?” Jayne suggested again.

“Outside,” Simon nodded, turning to head towards the cargo bay. Jayne quickly followed after him.

~*~*~*~*~

Kaylee sniffled and wiped her nose, surprised to see Jayne standing in the engine room doorway. She’d half expected Simon to be there, stammering about how he didn’t mean what he had said outside the ballroom. Instead it was the mercenary, his face dark with anger. It made Kaylee pull her knees a little closer, seeing Jayne so mad. “What’re you doin’ here?” she asked.

“Cap’n says there’s a fair in town, thought you might like t’go after the night you had,” Jayne shrugged.

“I really ain’t in the mood,” Kaylee shook her head.

“Heard ‘bout how the job went,” Jayne nodded. “You deserve better.”

“He didn’t mean it,” she shrugged; she was trying so hard to convince herself he hadn’t meant it. “I’ll never be like them women, Jayne. I try, but I ain’t ever gonna be them for him. He tried to deny it, say it wasn’t what he wanted, but I could see it in his eyes. Tonight when we saw all them women in their beautiful dresses…he felt at home. I could sense it, ya know? Then dumb ol’ me had t’go ruin it, actin’ like some prairie harpy at such a fancy shindig like that. I should’ve just kept my trap shut, feel like I goaded him int’sayin’ what he said,” she whispered.

Jayne looked uncomfortable under her little tirade but didn’t stop her as she spoke. When she finished he cleared his throat and shifted uncertainly.

“Come on,” Jayne shook his head. He reached his hand down and took hers, pulling her to her feet. “Let’s get you changed out of the frilly dress of yours and get the hell out of here for a few hours.”

~*~*~*~

Kaylee reached for the comm in the engine room as Jayne and Simon headed off ship. She pressed the button down and started talking. “Cap’n, think I need you outside the ship.”

“What’s the problem, Kaylee?” Mal replied after a moment.

“It’s Jayne and Simon…we might have a situation,” she said, letting go of the button after a moment.