Title: Who I am Pairing: Jaylee Rating: Pg-13 Warning: Not betaed, angsty Disclaimer: I do not own Word Count: 749

Author’s note: Song fic…well I used about half the lyrics sort of. Its from Jimmy Eat World’s song ‘Kill’

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“Jayne?” It was the voice he had been waiting for. He thought he had readied himself for this. The way her voice broke when she said his name nearly ended him right then and there though. Smacking Joanne’s ass, he motioned for her to get up. The whore smiled down at him before walking across the room to scout out more prospective clients.

“Weren’t expectin’ you here,” he lied.

“We had plans,” Kaylee said, watching Joanne walk away before looking at Jayne again. “Mal said he saw you heading into town. Came lookin’ for you.”

“We had plans? Huh, musta forgot,” he said simply.

Kaylee blinked in surprised. She moved and sat in the chair across from him. Her mouth opened and then closed. It looked to Jayne like she was trying mighty hard to rationalize this all in her head. After a few moments the words he was waiting for finally came out of her mouth.

“Jayne were you and that whore…did you—“

“Sleep with her?” he supplied, taking a drink of his beer.

“Yeah,” she nodded numbly.

“Don’t really matter, now does it?” he asked, straightening in his chair and raising his hand up to order another beer. Kaylee’s mouth dropped open a little. She shook her head and stood up.

“Come on, Jayne, let’s go back t’Serenity and talk ‘bout this,” she offered, her eyes pleading with him to do just that. There was hurt and anger behind her eyes, two things he hated seeing in the little mechanic’s features.

“Go on and get out of here, Kaylee,” he said roughly, tearing his eyes from hers.

“Jayne…“

“This ain’t a gorramn play ground, girl. I ain’t goin’ anywhere right now, so you git,” he said more firmly. Her eyes watered but she didn’t cry. He was thankful she didn’t cry.

“Please…Jayne I lo—“

“Stop, Kaylee. I know what you wanna say. I don’t feel the same,” he interrupted. She looked shell shocked, like her world was crumbling around her. He hated himself more than he ever though he could.

“Why? Why all this? The whore, standing me up?” she asked throwing her hands up in the air in defeat. “You couldn’t just say, ‘Kaylee I don’t like you’.”

“Can’t help it, ain’t who I am,” he sighed.

“This ain’t you,” she spat angrily, slapping her hand down on the table.

“You don’t know me,” he replied just a venomously. She looked a little taken aback, her hands shaking as she spoke.

“I can’t just turn off how I feel,” Kaylee hiccupped, trying to keep her crying at bay as she spoke. “I don’t get you, Jayne. You kill me. You build me up but just t’watch me break?”

“Leave Kaylee,” Jayne said darkly. He stood and headed for the bar counter. She followed after him, taking his shoulder and forcing him to face her.

“I should! I should leave right now, but I just can’t walk away. I love you,” she growled out.

“What has love ever meant?” Jayne replied, taking her hand a removing it from his shoulder. He turned back forward, trying to ignore that she was there. He could feel her eyes burning into his flesh, but he didn’t flinch, just waited. After awhile she turned and left the bar. When the saloon doors swung close, his shoulders slumped in defeat. He grabbed his mug up and downed the rest of his beer.

“That was a right pretty thing you just let walk out that door,” the bartender said as he moved to refill the mug of ale.

“That she was,” Jayne nodded in agreement.

“You love her,” he said with a certain tone that left no room for argument.

“Maybe,” Jayne shrugged as he started in on his fresh beer.

“Why’d you let her go?”

“Leopard don’t change his spots. Things were too heavy ‘tween the two of us. Would’ve just ended up hurtin’ her more if’n I let things go on.”

“You don’t know that,” the bartender shook his head. He watched as Jayne drowned the last of his mug again and slapped a wad of cash on the table.

“For Joanne and Lily. Tell ‘em I had a good time upstairs, don’t know when I’ll be back.” Jayne rose off his stool. The bartender stared down at the money for a moment before he shook his head.

“Don’t deserve a girl like that,” he said after a moment.

“I know it,” Jayne nodded as he left the bar.

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So go on love Leave while there’s still hope for escape Got to take what you can these days There’s so much ahead So much regret I know what you want to say I know it but can’t help feeling differently I loved you, and I should have said it But tell me just what has it ever meant?

I can’t help it baby, this is who I am Sorry, but I can’t just go turn off how I feel You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break I know what I should do but I just can’t walk away