Series: Equations Title: The Hardest Thing Author: meimei42 (Dani) 30_angsts Theme(s): 20. Violence; War (~marriage of death) Pairing/Characters: Jayne/Kaylee Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer/claimer (if needed): Post BDM, I do not own any of it. Summary: Mal mediates Word Count: 2292

Author's Note: Betaed by Squish_67 who always offers me the truth of what she thinks. There were a couple parts I added after she looked at it, so if there are mistakes, it's probably in those parts, my apologies. Thanks to Reenie for sending my muse chocolate. This is for my 30_angsts challenge. Italics is flashback. Image by the awesomely, wonderful maantre

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Kaylee let go of the comm button and ran for the cargo bay. “Jayne! Simon!” she yelled. This wasn’t good, them fighting over her. She wasn’t worth all this. All she had wanted was to feel appreciated and wanted again. She’d never meant it to go this far.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Kaylee laughed, she really laughed, her whole body shaking with giggles. Jayne just grinned over at her, glad she was enjoying his joke.

“You got a dirty little mind there, Kaylee girl,” Jayne snickered.

“Me! I ain’t the one tellin’ the story, Jayne,” she shook her head. Serenity loomed ahead of her and Kaylee paused mid-step. She had been so focused on Jayne’s story she hadn’t even noticed how close they were. If the fair wasn’t closed by now she would have suggested they head back.

“You alright?” Jayne asked, raising an eyebrow at her. Kaylee tried not to look so much like a scared kitten but she couldn’t help herself.

“I’m fine,” she said, her voice breaking for a moment. “I just…it’s too bad the fair is over.”

“Yeah…”Jayne’s voice trailed off and she could feel him watching her.

“Stop it,” she whispered, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Stop what?” Jayne asked, feigning innocence.

“Stop starin’ at me. I can feel ya starin’ at me, Jayne Cobb,” she said, a touch of laughter in her voice. How could he do that, how could he make her wanna smile when the knot of worry in her stomach was only growing the closer she got to the ship.

“You sure are vain, woman. What makes you think I’m starin’ at ya?” Jayne countered.

“I can feel it,” Kaylee shrugged. “Call it a woman’s intuition I guess.”

“Women are crazy,” Jayne shook his head. Kaylee reached out and punched him in the shoulder.

Things grew quiet for a long moment, not an awkward quiet, just quiet. Kaylee hugged her arms tighter to herself as they approached the ramp to Serenity. She was tense, anxious about what was going to happen when she got back to the ship. Kaylee hadn’t told Simon when she left with Jayne, they hadn’t exactly been on speaking terms when Jayne decided to take her out.

“You’ll be fine, girl,” Jayne grunted, nodding towards the ship. Kaylee nodded back.

Her feet touched the metal ramp and she felt a chill run down her spine. She hated not wanting to be near her girl. With every step onto the ship, it felt like another weight was being added to her shoulders. She could sense Jayne wasn’t next to her any longer. The mechanic stopped walking; she didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to have to listen to Simon stutter through an apology where she would forgive him until the next time he made her feel lower than dirt.

A hand rested on her shoulder and she felt Jayne standing next to her. “Go on; I’m sure the doc will have an apology waitin’ for you soon as you find him.”

“What if I don’t want an apology from him?” she asked quietly.

“Then I think you ought t’decide what it is exactly that you do want,” he said, his mouth close to her ear as he spoke. After a second Jayne was gone and Kaylee was left alone once more. Taking a deep breath she headed for the infirmary, knowing that was exactly where she would find Simon.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Mal swore when he heard Kaylee’s message and ran out of the bridge and towards the cargo bay. He could see Kaylee just ahead of him. She came to a stop at the edge of the ramp and Mal followed right after her. “Jayne! Simon!” Kaylee shouted.

The two men were in the midst of a fist fight, each throwing punches and trying to defend themselves. Jayne seemed to be doing better in the fight, but then again the man was a hired gun. When Simon went down with a hard sock from Jayne, Mal took the opportunity to jump in-between them.

“This stop now!” the captain yelled. Jayne’s body came to an abrupt stop as Mal forced himself between the two of them. “Now I don’t know what in the hell is goin’ on here, but someone is about t’tell me,” Mal announce. “Why are my mercenary and my medic beating each other to a pulp?”

“Why don’t you ask my wife,” came Simon’s snide response. The doctor’s glare landed on Kaylee and he shook his head in disgust.

“Well Kaylee?” Mal asked.

Kaylee swallowed hard, trying to figure out how to say this all again. It had been hard enough the first time with Simon. “It’s ‘cause of me,” Kaylee said, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I gather that,” Mal said, “what I don’t get is what exactly it is you done that got these two ready to kill each other.” Mal stopped talking, his eyes moving from Simon to Jayne and then back to Kaylee who was chewing on her finger nails now. “Kaylee?” When Kaylee didn’t say anything, Simon took it upon himself to speak up.

“It seems my wife has been cheating on me with your mercenary here,” Simon said, motioning to Jayne as he spoke.

“Wife?” Jayne scoffed.

“Kaylee, that true?” Mal asked. He didn’t have to ask to know it was the truth, her face told him everything he needed to know, but she gave him a weak nod regardless. “How in the hell did this happen. And with Jayne?!”

“I wish everyone would quit sayin’ that,” Jayne growled.

“It ain’t important,” Kaylee shook her head.

“I think it’s pretty important,” Simon countered.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Kaylee pushed open the door to Jayne’s bunk and climbed down. She was surprised it wasn’t locked, but she didn’t question it. When she reached the ground Jayne was staring up at her from his bed, shirtless and with a confused look on his face. “Kaylee?” he asked.

“We got into a fight,” she said quietly, hugging her arms to herself.

“Why didn’t you go to ‘Nara’s shuttle then?” Jayne asked, standing up and reached for a shirt, pulling it on.

“I don’t know,” Kaylee whispered, chewing on her lip. “I came here; I don’t know why I came here.” Jayne looked tense and Kaylee quickly turned to leave.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come,” Kaylee said, moving to go back up the ladder. She felt a hand on her waist and looked down to see Jayne staring up at her.

“You don’t gotta go,” he grumbled out. Kaylee licked her lips, but didn’t move. Jayne’s hand slowly eased her back down on the ground, Kaylee didn’t fight him. When her feet touched the floor again she tilted her head up to look at him, not sure what she was expecting to see. “Why’d you come here, Kaylee?” he asked.

“I, uh…I…I just wanted t’see you,” she said quietly.

“You’re seein’ me,” he said, looking her face over. “Why are you really here?”

“I’m tired, Jayne. I’m tired of trying to make Simon see me. Tired of trying to be the person he wants me t’be. I want to be myself, where I ain’t worried ‘bout how to talk or how to sit. I feel that with you, Jayne. I feel like a regular person ‘round you.” Her eyes never left his but she couldn’t read his face. They were both quiet for a long moment before Jayne took her hand and led her over to the bed. He sat her down and looked at her.

“Are you askin’ me what I think you’re askin’ me?” Jayne asked. She looked up at him and sighed. She could only stare into his blue eyes for a moment before her own dropped to the floor, her hair falling in front of her face.

“I think I am,” she whispered. Jayne’s hand reached out and lifted her chin up to look at him.

“You gotta be sure ‘bout this, Kaylee,” he said seriously.

“I…I don’t know,” she shook her head.

Jayne nodded and gave her hand a squeeze. “Go back to your bunk, Kaylee.”

“Please, Jayne,” she begged. “Can’t we just stay up and talk or somethin’?” she asked. Jayne licked his lips before finally nodding.

“Alright,” he said. “Gotta clean my girls anyway. You can talk t’me while I do it. But then you gotta head back to your own bunk, dong ma?” Kaylee nodded anxiously, making herself comfortable on the bed, the tension melting out of her body as Jayne reached for a gun and began to methodically take it apart.

“Mal said we’re gonna be headed for Persephone next week. Got any plans ready?” she asked, pulling her feet up under her as she spoke.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Jayne, go back into the ship and go in your bunk. You and I are gonna have a sit down,” Mal announce.

“The doc and me got unfinished business,” Jayne’s voice dripped with promise as he looked from Simon to Mal.

“Wúnéug de rén. Get on the ship Jayne, this ain’t a discussion.” Mal said, his voice dangerously calm. The captain’s hand rested lightly on his side arm, waiting for Jayne to disagree with him. The mercenary held his ground for a moment longer before growling and heading up the ramp and into Serenity. Once he disappeared into the depths of the ship, Mal looked between Simon and Kaylee. His eyes landed on Kaylee and he fixed her with a stern glare. “You fix this,” he told her firmly. “I want my ship happy again, dong ma?” Kaylee opened her mouth to say something but Mal just walked by her, heading up the ramp to have his talk with Jayne.

Kaylee watched the captain disappear before looking back at Simon who was still sitting on the ground. He wiped at his chin where blood dribbled down a fat lip. “Are you okay?” she asked quietly. Simon rolled his eyes and looked up at her.

“Do I look okay?” he asked.

“I’m sorry,” Kaylee whispered. She chewed on her lip and stared down at Simon, his face swelling slightly just under his right eye.

“Were things really this bad?” he asked, looking up at her. Kaylee sat in the dirt next to him and let out a long breath.

“I don’t know,” she said softly. “I was wrong…what I did. I never meant t’hurt you though. I just couldn’t…it doesn’t matter I guess.”

“Talk to me, Kaylee,” Simon begged.

“I needed someone, Simon. Someone who was there for me, someone to put me before anything else in the world. I didn’t jump into bed with him. Things just started to happen. He’d go with me places, make me laugh, make me feel special. Things just clicked between us. At night I would find moments just t’be around him ‘cause he made me feel like myself again. That ain’t something I’ve felt in a long time. There is a lot more t’Jayne than most people see. Maybe everything could have been considered innocent up until last week when we ended up in bed together, but it didn’t feel innocent, none of it felt innocent because it felt too right.” She could see Simon cringe at that thought of her and Jayne in bed, but he had wanted to know.

“I can’t believe you would do this, Kaylee,” Simon closed his eyes for a brief moment, collecting his thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“If you wanted out of this, why didn’t you just say something?” he asked.

“Didn’t know how,” Kaylee whispered. “You’re bleeding pretty badly; we should get you into the infirmary.” Simon put his hand up to stop her, shaking his head.

“What are we going to do, Kaylee? River…she loves this ship, if I left…she’d have to come with me, but can I really stay now?” He shook his head and stood up, Kaylee stood up with him. “We may have had our differences Kaylee, but two wrongs don’t make a right,” Simon continued. There was a pause, and then Kaylee nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.

“You’re right,” she whispered.

“We’re married Kaylee. If we weren’t I probably would just let this go and let us go our separate ways, but marriage means something to me. I want you to leave with me…leave this ship. At least for a little while. I want to start a family…”

“Simon…”

“No let me finish,” he shook his head. “I want to start a family and try being happy with my wife.”

“You’re gonna take Mal’s pilot, mechanic and doctor all in one swoop?” she asked sadly.

“This isn’t about Mal and I really don’t know what else to do,” Simon shook his head.

“Let me go,” Kaylee murmured. “Just let me go, Simon. I ain’t what you want, I ain’t never been what you wanted, so just let me go.”

“You aren’t being fair, Kaylee,” Simon whispered.

“Life isn’t fair, Simon,” she countered. “I love you, but I don’t love you in that way no more. I don’t want you to leave the ship, though I wouldn’t ask you to stay if you wanted to go. I don’t know what else we can do.”

Simon let out a breath and looked at Kaylee for a long time. “I don’t know if I can stay, Kaylee.”

“I know,” she replied

“Is this what you really want?” he asked, his voice becoming withdrawn. She nodded and Simon made a face. “But Jayne?” Kaylee smiled at the disgusted look on his face, it was a faint smile, but it was there. It faded off her lips after a moment and she had to look away from him.

“I’m sorry, Simon.”

“I am too, Kaylee,” Simon sighed.