Title: Too Hard Characters: Kaylee, Jayne Pairing: Jaylee Rating: pg-13 (to be safe) Words: 1274 Disclaimer: I do not own Warning: Dark, um...yeah I'm a drama whore

Author's Note: Not betaed, Sequel to Sweet Surrender, Given Up & Crash. Click on my name to see the previous story/chapters. This is pretty dark folks. Don't throw things at me please. Image by maantre whom I *heart*

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Kaylee didn’t realize she was staring at noting until the captain said her name again. She blinked and looked at him. “Sorry, cap’n,” she whipsered, quickly dismissing the look of concern on his face. It was a look she had become all too familiar with in the last couple of weeks. Everyone seemed to wear that same look when they were around her. Anytime she came into a room everyone’s eyes landed on her. It was unnerving; she didn’t much care for the way everyone watched her, waited for her to break. She was already broken, there wasn’t much more breaking she could do.

“I was askin’ if Serenity needed any parts,” Mal said again. Kaylee thought for a moment, she couldn’t even remember the last time she had been in the engine room.

“I’ll have to check,” she said. Kaylee could feel the focus was on her again and she quietly slouched in her seat. She just wished they’d stop staring.

“You do that,” Mal said. “Jayne if’n she needs anything, you take her to the junkyard. Zoe, we gotta leave for that meeting now. Everyone else knows what needs to be done.” With those words the crew meeting was over and Kaylee was the first to leave the table. She knew without a doubt that Jayne was behind her. Man wouldn’t leave her alone.

She headed for the engine room, its warm familiarity only making her sick. She hadn’t checked on her girl in…well Kaylee wasn’t even really sure. Days and hours went by in a haze. She couldn’t think much about anything but what she had lost, the thoughts of what had happened consumed her.

The mechanic did a quick check on everything. They needed new gaskets. Probably more items too, but she just couldn’t think about it right then. It felt like a chore having to be in there in the first place and she was ready to leave in a moment. “Guess we can get a couple of things,” she said. At least it would be a chance to get away from everyone’s oppressive eyes.

“You done lookin’?” Jayne asked. Kaylee nodded and stared at the engine for a long moment. Jayne watch her, his eyes burning her flesh. She wanted him to just stop and leave her alone. She hadn’t had a minute to herself in a long while. Couldn’t even pee without Jayne being nearby.

“Kaylee?” he asked, taking a step into the room.

“We can go,” she said quietly. She was trying, trying so hard to be okay, or at least seem okay. She couldn’t smile, it was too hard to smile, but she wouldn’t cry. Kaylee felt a hand on her arm and she instinctively pulled away. Touching was too hard. She could speak and talk like a normal person, like she wasn’t broken inside, but touching was too hard, it went right up there with smiling.

Kaylee moved past Jayne and headed down the hallway. She spotted Mal as he held out some coin for her. “Only what we need,” he told her firmly. Kaylee nodded and took the small amount of money he handed her.

“I really don’t need anyone t’go with me,” she told the captain as she counted the money so she knew how much she could spend. Mal gave her a look that didn’t need a response. He didn’t trust her not to try again. None of them did. She wouldn’t, Kaylee didn’t think she had the guts to try again, but she had thought about it and that was what worried them. River had been the one to tell them. Kaylee didn’t blame the girl for telling but she still felt violated somehow. Those thoughts, they were her own. Not nobody should be peeking into them.

Kaylee moved down the ramp and started off in the direction of the junkyard. Jayne walked silently beside her. She was thankful he didn’t talk much, gave her more time to lose herself in thought. The walk went by in a haze and before long she felt an arm pulling her to a stop. She pulled away and look up in surprise before she realized she had nearly walked by the junkyard. Without a word, Kaylee turned and started through gates. The huge piles of spare parts that came into view were overwhelming. Her eyes moved over each pile but all it looked like to her was piles of junk.

“What’re we tryin’ t’find?” Jayne asked. Kaylee blinked looking from pile to pile. Not speaking she stepped closer to one of the piles and picked up a part. She stared down at it for a moment. It was a…budda what the hell was it? Her fingers dropped the part and she picked up something else but was only assaulted with the same unfamiliarity.

“Kaylee?” Jayne asked.

“I don’t know,” she shook her head.

“Don’t know what?” Jayne asked, stepping closer to her.

Kaylee opened her mouth, but didn’t know what to say. Dropping the part she shook her head and backed away.

“Why don’t we head back t’the ship?” Jayne suggested, noticing her strange behavior.

Kaylee put a hand up, keeping Jayne at a distance. “I can’t…I don’t know what any of this is.” Her arms dropped back to her sides and Kaylee fisted her hands, her nails digging into the skin as she looked for something familiar. The harder she tried to concentrate the more it eluded her though.

“Kaylee, let’s just go back,” Jayne suggested.

“No! I’m supposed t’know this…I just…I can’t,” her voice broke and she felt like she was being pulled into the undertow of a river current. She couldn’t breath. Jayne took her arm, forcing her to sit down and she didn’t fight him. “I’m supposed t’know this,” she whispered. A sob threatened to choke her and she fought it as hard as she could.

“Kaylee,” he whispered, turning her chin to face him. “’S alright t’cry.” She shook her head and jerked away from his touch.

“It’s just parts,” she whispered. “I’m tired it all.”

“Please Kaylee, talk t’me,” he begged.

“Ain’t nothin’ t’talk ‘bout,” she said, refusing to meet his eyes.

"There is. There’s a whole lot t’talk ‘bout. You losin’ the baby at 19 weeks, you tryin’ t’kill yourself over it. I think that is something t’talk ‘bout.” Jayne turned her chin and forced her to look at him.

“I can’t…it’s too hard,” she whimpered.

“Kaylee…this ain’t goin’ away,” Jayne said. “I love you, please don’t shut me out.” Kaylee felt her resolve begin to crumble.

“I wanted that baby,” she whispered.

“So did I,” Jayne replied, placing an arm around her shoulder. Kaylee chew on her lip, but couldn’t stop the anguished sob. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t cry, she had done so good up until now too. “It’s alright,” Jayne whispered, rubbing her back with his hand. She turned into him and Jayne took that as a cue. He lifted her and pulled her into lap as she cried, cried harder than she ever had in her life.

Kaylee wasn’t sure how long she was there, or when she had stopped sobbing so hard, but the sky was beginning to darken. “We should go back,” she whispered. Jayne didn’t say anything, just stood up with her in her arms. She didn’t protest. She’d spent so much time trying to push him away that the contact was comforting.

“You alright?” he asked.

“No,” she whispered.

“That’s okay, you know. No one expects you to be alright yet,” Jayne said. He kissed her forehead and pulled her closer in his arms.