A/N: I don't own them, but I like to play with them, even in a meta fashion.

Inspired from a sotry on Fanfiction.net, where Nyxie wrote a outline of the generic Simon/Mal plot. I feel somewhat bad for lifting the idea, but as soon as I read it, Simon and Kaylee started jabbering in my head, so here we go.

*******

Kaylee: Hi, Simon.

Simon: Oh, hello, Kaylee. How are you today?

Kaylee: Fine, thank you. And you?

Simon: Tired, worried about River, and now beating myself up over both my inability to help her and my inability to have a loving, tender conversation with you. But, of course, I would never say this out loud, as I am a strong, independent man who needs no help. Instead, I'll ask if I can help you.

Kaylee: Oh, I was just dropping by to say hello, because despite the fact that this ship frequently falls apart at plot-convenient points, I don't find it necessary to do preventative maintenance unless I'm angry with you and hiding in the engine room. I prefer to fritter away my time on my unrequited quest for hot doctor love. But in response to your question, I will make an incredibly obvious sexual pass at you.

Simon: Excellent. Of course I will fail to notice any innuendo short of you forcibly taking my pants off, but I was just telling myself how today I would take the leap and tell you my true feelings for you and my future plans for our wedded bliss at the next opportunity.

Kaylee: By all means, proceed.

Simon: However, as this is early in the plot and no one has been put in a coma or shot, I'll instead make a dryly witty comment that you will invariably misconstrue as an insult to you, upon which you will curse me in Chinese and storm away in a huff to hide in the engine room. I will look after you with sad eyes, confused and sorry.

Kaylee: Of course. I'll be sure to pass both the captain and Jayne on my way there, so they can notice my anger and hurt and come threaten you.

Simon: Perfect. *Tells supposed joke but actually insults Kaylee*

Kaylee: *Bursts into tears* You asshole. This will never work! What was I thinking? *Curses Simon in Chinese and runs to hide in the engine room*

Simon: *Looks confused and sorry*

River: You boob.

**

Mal and Jayne: You OK there, mei mei?

Kaylee: Fine. I have realized that my quest for hot doctor love is doomed. If you need me, I'll be in the engine room with a lifetime supply of chocolate and angst.

Jayne: Is this where we go threaten Simon?

Mal: You bet. You get Vera and I'll warm up the airlock.

Jayne: Shiny.

**

Mal and Jayne: Simon, we are here to threaten you with shooting, decompression, or both.

Simon: I'm sorry, gentlemen, but River is having an episode at the moment and you'll have to come back later.

Mal: You made Kaylee cry.

Simon: I am aware of this, and am truly sorry. But if you'll excuse me, I need to exercise my near inhuman ability to supress my emotions and tend to River. I secretly hope to impress you with my stalwart selflessness, feel sorry for me, and intercede with Kaylee on my behalf.

Jayne: Whatever, sissy boy. I'll be in my bunk.

Mal: I admire your plan, Simon. But as I'm not convinced of your heroic nature as of yet, I'll leave you with a vague threat of what I'll do if you make Kaylee cry again.

Simon: And I'll follow up with a witty yet poignant rejoinder regarding Inara.

Mal: I am wounded. I will retreat to the bridge, where I will grudgingly admit you have a point. *Strides away*

River: I would say 'You boob', but I am currently crazy. So instead I'll babble something cryptic yet meaningful to close the scene.

**

Kaylee: Oh, woe is me! I am so grief-stricken that, despite the many dangerous items in this room, I'm not paying a bit of attention to what I'm doing.

Engine: *Electrocution, what a show!*

Kaylee: Ow. I believe I need a doctor. How ironic.

Inara: Kaylee? I have heard of your most recent plight with Simon, and wish to offer you sage yet easily digested advice on bedding a recalcitrant man.

Kaylee: *Unconscious*

Inara: Oh my, we're to this scene already? Very well. Simon, you're needed in the engine room. Kaylee has developed a case of Plot.

Simon: Again? She had that last week, when she caught a rare disease that had no known cure. Until I cured it anyway.

Inara: Yes, but it's a different strain of Plot this week.

Simon: On my way.

**

*There's no dialogue in this scene. The author wishes he had the ability to insert mournful yet stirring music, in the vein of "Out Of Gas," along with a montage of Simon working feverishly to save Kaylee's life, Simon brooding over Kaylee's unconscious form, the rest of the crew looking concerned from the doorway to the infirmary, Book praying, Wash and Zoe having sweaty sex to reaffirm their lives in the face of tragedy. It's all very moving. But since we don't get stirring music or visual cheesecake in print, we settle for a eight paragraph internal monologue from Simon*

Simon: I suck.

River: Yes, you do. But you'll still save the day.

Simon: That's not very comforting, River.

River: Look, I'm either crazy or bratty. Flip a gorram coin and go with it. You boob.

**

Wash: We are in this scene only to provide a humorous counterpoint to all the angst.

Zoe: Right. Despite my often deadpan humor and tendency to kick major ass, I am actually a sensitive soul who sees the true love blossoming between the mechanic and doctor.

Wash: So Kaylee loves Simon?

Zoe: Yes.

Wash: And Simon loves Kaylee?

Zoe: Yes.

Wash: Awesome. Now that the exposition is over, let's play with dinos and have more sex.

**

Inara: Mal, why are you ensonced up on the bridge?

Mal: I am manfully brooding over the fate of my mechanic, who I love like a sister/daughter, and her budding romance with the doctor that I pretend to hate.

Inara: This troubles you?

Mal: Yes, but only because it casts into stark relief my inability to tell you I love you as completely. Instead, I will pick a fight. Whore!

Inara: I know your words are said from anger. You'll have to try harder.

Mal: Space whore!

Inara: Excellent, captain. I'll be in my shuttle until the Plan arrives.

**

Simon: I believe I can cure/save/help Kaylee's case of Plot. However, we require Thrilling Heroics to do it, with a possible side plot of Angst. Are we ready? I've made up the plan.

Mal: I will like the plan, but have no intention of following it.

Zoe: I will like the plan, deem it too complicated, keep Mal from getting shot, and dish out wry observations as appropriate.

Jayne: I will hate the plan, bring far too many weapons to reasonably carry, get stupid, and screw everything up.

Kaylee: *Unconscious*

Wash: I will fly the ship like a champ and make glib comments about "leaf" and "wind" as a shout-out to everyone who's seen the movie.

Book: I am not involved in the plan and do not wish to be involved in the plan, and since most people forget about me in the average S/K fic, I'll go sit quietly in the corner.

Inara and River: We will hide in the shuttle, and only emerge at the end of the plan to save everyone's collective asses.

Simon and Mal: Great! Game on!

**

Mal: The plan is going perfectly!

Jayne: Whoops!

Explosion: *BOOM!*

Mal: The plan is no longer going perfectly.

Zoe: Gorramit. Will you idiots stop getting shot?

River and Inara: We are here to save the day!

Simon: Excellent plan, everyone! Let's go cure Kaylee so we can get to the sex scene already.

River: You boob.

**

Kaylee: What a nice nap. What did I miss?

Simon: You missed a goddamn fire fight, but I will instead bashfully tell you "nothing" while giving you the puppy-dog eyes. *smooch*

Kaylee: Ooh! Hot doctor love off the starboard bow! *smooch*

Simon: Yes, but we have a problem.

Kaylee: That is?

Simon: The Plot is not resolved. We have choices.

Kaylee: Explain.

Simon: We can have Porn, Fluff, Status Quo, or Death.

Kaylee: Do I get to choose?

Simon: Sadly, no. The choice is made by the author.

Kaylee: That's bad?

Simon: Yes, because these fics are written as the feverish romances of people making up stories for a TV show that went off the air almost four years ago.

Kaylee: How sad. Can we do all of them?

Simon: Indeed. Shall we start with Porn?

Kaylee: Let's.

*Porn ensues, using some or all of the following words: "core", "wet", "length", "proper", "bud", "stiffen", and "lave"*

Kaylee: My, my. You are indeed a gifted surgeon.

Simon: I know. Move on to Fluff?

Kaylee: Sure. I love you, Simon! Hold me!

Simon: I love you, Kaylee! Consider yourself held!

Kaylee: How sweet. Status Quo?

Simon: Sure. *Tells supposed joke but actually insults Kaylee*

Kaylee: *Bursts into tears* You asshole. This will never work! What was I thinking?

Simon: Well done! I totally believed it, even if you cribbed it from Scene One. And now, sadly, Death.

Kaylee: I regret that I only have one life to give for my fiction. Ask not for who the bell tolls, for it tolls for -

Simon: Good Christ Almighty, woman, this isn't Shakespeare.

Kaylee: Fine. *Dies*

Simon: Oh, woe is me! I shall never love again!

River: You boob.

**

Inara: I've arrived for the epilogue.

Mal: Great. You know, 'Nara, Kaylee's sexing/romance/brush with romance/untimely death has left me thinking. I can't let a good thing pass me by. Sex me up!

Inara: I don't service crew.

Mal: Whore!

Inara: Despite my objection to the word, I know it's an endearment. Sex me up!

**

*Serenity flies off into space, all humans aboard feeling well sexed. Or dead. Or possibly both*

THE END