BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

GALI

"Limitless"
Saturday, November 11, 2006

Mal has been given a job to deliver a slave girl from Persephone to Sihnon but doesn't understand that she has feelings for him. She feels that she can only tell River her feelings and problems. But her powers are becoming limitless…


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 747    RATING: 6    SERIES: FIREFLY

Serenity was due for landing on Persephone. River, Simon, and Jayne were in the canteen. Kaylee was in the engine room in her hammock, Wash was piloting Serenity with Zoe and Mal next to him. “Here we go.” Wash announced. Serenity, the Firefly class transport ship broke the atmosphere and entered the bustling city. Badger was waiting and didn’t nessecarily greet them instead he sneered. “Well look who it isn’t…” Mal dumped the goods in front of him. “Happy now?” He said with a tinge of sarcasm. Badger had his henchmen remove the goods and he handed over the money for the job. “Got you another job that doesn’t consist of coming back here with the goods.” “Go on.” Mal replied folding his arms. “Got a wave last week, someone on Sihnon has been searching for a personal companion who hasn’t lost their virginity. Surprised that the pretty one we caught still had hers. Trouble is, she is a ‘fluke of evolution’ . So we are sending her off. Want to do it?” “How much for?” Mal said. “5000 credits. Interested?” Jayne sighed at the sound of 5000 credits. “Come on captain?” He muttered in Mal’s ear. “We’ll do it as long as Jayne keeps his pecker in his trousers.” Jayne threw a look at Mal in disgust. Badger sent his men to get the girl. They came back with a vivid red head. Her hair was literally red. She had red eyes and scruffy clothes on. Her ears were elf-like. Mal’s face dropped. “What did I tell you? ‘fluke of evolution’. Here are her belongings and you should keep her chained. Bye.” Mal left with the chains in his hands that cuffed the girl’s hands behind her back. They reached Serenity and climbed aboard. Kaylee and River were in the cargo bay when Mal, Zoe and Jayne returned from their meeting with Badger. “Who’s this?” Kaylee asked moving closer. The girl backed away. “She’s afraid.” River said. Mal untied the chains. “I will let you move freely around my boat if you are civilised and not hurt anyone otherwise you will go out that door…in space.” The girl whimpered. “Me and Kaylee will look after her. Let’s take her to her room.” River and Kaylee led her away to the guest rooms near the infirmary. River stayed with Ellie while the others ate dinner. She examined the girl and asked, “Who are you?” “Eleanor Daystar.” The girl answered. River took her hands and held them in hers. “I can read you Eleanor but I have a feeling you can read me too. You are a reader too aren’t you?” Eleanor looked at her and smiled, “Yes. I like your captain. He might have looked fierce but I know he wasn’t.” “Captain is sometimes stupid. Come with me I will get my food and yours and we will eat it in here. Come on.” River led her to the canteen. She baded Eleanor gather some food so Ellie whizzed in, took a bit of everything and left. River took hers and smiled at her brother and whispered in Mal’s ear. He stopped chewing when she left. The next day, even though you can’t predict a new day. Mal was looking for River and found her with Eleanor. “River; cargo bay. You stay here.” River left and Mal followed. In the cargo bay: “We have another job over in Ariel. We have been asked to intercept some gold from a cruiser to a high security vault in the centre of the city. Now all we have to do is come up with a strategy to get the load before it reaches the vault.” “Let me help. I can play with their brains. It’s what I do best. I can make them do what I want them to. Please?” “No, how about we get the job done and you stay on here.” Mal said back. “Why not? I think she is pretty powerful. I will go with her.” River argued. “No! Final decision.” You deny my ability captain? You think so little. I have other abilities other than telepathy and mind control. The crew heard this in their heads. “What o-other abilities?” Mal stammered. Crates started to levitate and rise into the air. “Put them down now.” Ellie did. “Great two psychics.” Sulked Jayne with disapproval. Big baby. A voice rang in his head. He whimpered. “To the canteen then.” Everybody dispersed to the canteen as Ellie approached Mal. “We can ambush them for Alliance uniforms.” “Get five and you’re in.” he said, Ellie went to his ear, “You hide your feelings hoping I won’t know. Is it love? Love for a companion who used to have feelings for you? One who thinks you’re a petty crook. She pushes you away because you get personal with people like…Yo-saff-bridge and that Nandy. Oh yes all I see are regrets. You will never settle down with a woman if you push them away. Next time open up to us and you’ll see it’s not so bad. Look at Wash and Zoe.” “Saffron was naked and Nandy, I regret meeting her because-” he began. “She is dead? We’re going be back soon.” River followed her out of the cargo bay into the city. After about a half an hour of tense nerves the doors were opened by Jayne. River and Ellie stood there with Alliance suits. “We only managed three, the Alliance caught us on the way back but we lost them easily. River made the action with finger across throat. “I don’t need a suit or guns.” Mal looked at her. “Right people let’s go. Jayne, Zoe, gear up, Ellie come with me.” Mal, Zoe and Jayne put on the Alliance uniforms. “Let’s do this right, I don’t wanna be tortured again.” Mal sighed stroking his ear. “Adelai Niska?” Ellie asked, “Yeah, how you know?” Mal said, “I have met him, seemed nice enough at the time.” “Then you obviously haven’t seen what he does when he doesn’t have guests.” Replied Mal. “Okay let’s go.”

The cruiser with the weapons keft the cargo ship and made it’s way to the vault along the planned route. The serenity team had ambushed the drivers of the van that was heading for the vault, they waited at the half-way mark. A captain from the Alliance pased then started to question them. Ellie stood by them, with hand cuffs on her wrists. “Who is this?” he asked, “We picked her up on the way, misconduct. We’ll drop her off when we deliver the gold to the vault.” “Very well then. You know what to do?” “Yes sir.” The captian strided away. Jayne and Zoe were crouched in the back of the van. “How long is this gonna gorram take? Mal sat out front breathing in all the fesh air and us stuck in here breathing in what we breathed out.” “It’ll be over soon Jayne, you have to have patience, but then again we never found that in you.” Zoe chived. “Heh heh, laugh it up.” Jayne pulled a face at her but shifting uncomfortably with Vera in his lap. Outside Mal watched as the truck approached their van. Alliance soldiers unloaded the gold from the cruiser to Mal’s bogus. They saluted and left. Jayne and Zoe stayed in the back of the van, the gold bounced off Jayne’s face, his greedy eyes never left. They were approaching the point where they divert to the ship but Mal underestimate the Alliance. “Mal, turn left now. The Alliance are stood on either side and watching you as you head for the vault.” “How many?” He asked with grave concern. She went quiet again. “Oh God, 142.” She said. Mal turned the next left with a sharp swerve. “what now?” “Get there as fast as you can. We need to hurry now.” She said as he picked up speed. Serenity was up ahead. The truck swerved into the cargo bay and Kaylee closed the doors. “That was the easiest job I have ever done, Wash get us in the air.” Serenity took off and went through atmo. “It was too easy sir. I feel we are now in a trap.” Zoe said as she walked with him to the bridge. “Wash how long will it be?” “shouldn’t be too long.” The journey was quick. The skyplex appraoched and they connected to it. Niska was waiting on the other side when the doors opened. “Captain Reynolds, hello again. You have my goods?” Niska asked with a glint in his eye. “You have our money?” Zoe and Jayne came over with the gold. They exchanged at the same time to avoid anything dodgey. “Why Eleanor Daystar. How nice to see you again.” Ellie shook hands with Mr. Niska, “Mr Niska.” She looked at Mal. She smiled at him. “right let’s go.” Mal ordered his crew. “I would very much appreciate it if Eleanor is to stay here and help me with something.” “I would like to but I need to go somewhere else first. I have to go to Sihnon.” She said. “Oh yes, the gentlemen wamts to know why you haven’t turned up. He is here with me at the moment.” “No, no. I don’t want to see him.” Ellie ran onto the ship. “Well you don’t have to. He found out that you were on this ship and ordered for you to be killed on sight. A slave is no use when she gets attached to a crew of crooks.” Niska beamed a smile of malice. His men took out guns and pointed them at Ellie. The others stood behind her when she said, “You wanna shoot me, go ahead. I don’t care bear in mind I will strike back ten fold.” She warned. “But how can you attack us when you’re dead? I mean, after all it’s useless. But from you’re reputation you have done this before, am I right?” “You are.” Ellie screwed up her face in anger, fire was seen swirling in her eyes. “we will have to make sure you are dead then.” The soldiers fired, the others ducked behind crates. They peeked over and watched in shock that those bullets were not going anywhere. The soldiers stopped. Smoke began to rise of ellies body, then small flames appeared getting bigger and bigger. Her voice echoed when she spoke. “I warned you Mr. Niska, now you will pay for the damage you have caused Mal and the crew and now the attempted damage, if you can call it an attempt on me.” The bullets dropped to the floor. She began to sing a song in a sweet voice almost as if she was a bird. She placed her fiery hands in front of her and little flames spouted into the air and formed birds, all kinds of birds. They attacked the men and burnt them. Niska remained standing. “You however, are gonna go down with your ship, just like any man devoted to it.” She went quiet for a couple of seconds then there was an explosion down south. The cargo doors shut and they left as the flames travelled up the skyplex. They watched as Serenity turned around and faced it. Niska burnt with his ship.

Serenity floated effortlessly through the black as Mal was talking to Simon. “it’s baffling captain, I never knew such power existed. It’s impossible to blow up a space station with your mind, but Ellie made it seem so easy. It’s as if her powers are limitless .” Ellie walked in on them. Simon left them. “So miss I am so powerful, we are heading to Triumph, they got a job for us down there. Ready to do it? Be a part of my crew?” “I am. Kiss me captain.” “Excuse me?” “You heard.” She reached up and kissed his lips. He responded with so many questions popping up to ask her. She smiled and walked off. He looked on with puzzlement but with regret of stopping…

COMMENTS

Saturday, November 11, 2006 7:44 AM

XEYRA


Well, I was hoping this wasn't what it seemed, but it is. I'm afraid my comment is going to seem very harsh to you. You've created a Mary Sue. A perfect character. Which are usually considered rather annoying by the readers because they have no depth, and they seem to do everything perfectly and, in your character's case, have limitless powers, which, believe me, isn't the way you should go with characters. People are flawed. Even River, for all her mental and physical prowess, has limits and difficulties and fears, despite the fact that she is, in the Firefly universe, the closest thing to a Mary Sue that may exist at this point, but we LIKE her. Because she is not two-dimensional. Because we had time to know her and like her and she's not perfect.

Your premise itself goes against what I believe the characters in this universe would do. Mal is, despite what he says, a noble man. He'd never agree to transport a slave anywhere. Not without having problems with it, and he doesn't seem even care. He even threatens her. A shackled slave, and he tells he he'll shoot her if she attacks anyone. That isn't Mal.

And them dealing with Niska? After War Stories? I really don't think so. I do think you need to see Firefly again, maybe read some other fanfics, because you need to be careful with your characterizations. You've started this story with a premise that I just couldn't see happening, and you've insert a character that is so glaringly a Mary Sue the summary itself gave it away... But I still digged through it to give you this advice.

Rewrite this story. Change the whole premise of it, if you have to. If you want to have a romance between Mal and your OC, make it a believable one and make your character believable! That means she's human, not a super powerful telekinetic mind-controling psychic woman who can blow space stations with her mind. Make us care for her, instead of twisting our noses at her.

Also, try not to rush your stories too much. The action just passes on too quickly, with hardly a break, and very little character development. But it's the character voices you've got to work on.

Again, sorry if this sounds harsh, but the fact remains that your story needs heavy reworking to be believable... as it is now, it's just yet another rushed Mary Sue story...

Saturday, November 11, 2006 12:55 PM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER


Damn...I usually have a lot of issue with rating something below a 7 (guess it's the Kaylee in me)...but this is something that's only slightly above what some people might call an unmitigated mess.

Like Xeyra rightly pointed out, your OC is a Mary Sue in the most obvious sense. Attractive, powerful and she seduces Mal....yep, she's got zip flaws.

Plus? The structuring of this story makes the whole matter kinda worse. Things occur too rapidly, ideas are thrown in and taken out seemingly on a whim and characters act completely against established type. Doubt that even with a giant AU warning would this be considered even vaguely, this would be taken seriously:(

Still...to give you some positive hope and feedback, I think this could be salvaged if you took some time and thought on how you could have Eleanor integrate with the crew without having her be an elf or mystical creature or evolved human. She could be a early Academy victim or the result of another Alliance/Blue Sun project. Or how about somone afflicted with a malady that required experimental treatment that backfired? All these options fit better with the storyverse Joss and the good people at Mutant Enemy, Fox and Universal established than a character I have to admit seems like a refugee from Lord of the Rings...

BEB


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"Limitless"
Mal has been given a job to deliver a slave girl from Persephone to Sihnon but doesn't understand that she has feelings for him. She feels that she can only tell River her feelings and problems. But her powers are becoming limitless…