Between Kaylee taking up with the doc and the racket issuing from Jayne's bunk, Mal was certain he'd never get another bit of shut-eye ever again. Granted, the thought of Kaylee sexin' up the doc was a bit creepifyin', but at least she'd picked something that didn't require batteries.

Jayne, however, had nothing but his own right hand to account for all his hollering. Not that Mal was unaccustomed to doing so himself, when the need called for it, but at least he was quiet.

Mal rolled over and pressed the pillow up against his ears, which did nothing to drown out the noise. He could almost comprehend it if Jayne actually had a real female down there, but that didn't seem to be the case.

Ruttin' hell, there he goes again, Mal thought. He finally resorted to pounding on the adjoining wall. "Hey, keep it down! Fella next door needs his beauty rest!"

Jayne continued in his throes of ecstasy, unabated. Time for more serious measures.

Mal quickly dressed, popped the hatch on his bunk and headed out for the bridge. River and Zoe were already at the pilot and copilot stations. Neither looked like they'd slept much in the past week. Well, that at least removed the possibility that Jayne had taken up with either of them.

"Couldn't sleep either?"

Zoe just shook her head, deliberately avoiding looking at River in the pilot's chair.

River just smiled. "Not his fault. Man has needs."

Mal cleared his throat noisily. "Not on my boat he don't. He can buy trim next port we land in, he needs it that badly."

"Do you, Captain?"

"Do I what?"

"Have needs?"

Mal was decidedly not liking the direction the conversation was taking. "Yeah, well, little one, that's not a topic up for..."

Right at that moment, Jayne shouted out to his god at the top of his lungs, followed by the voice of a female.

Mal had reached the end of his sleep-deprived tether. He flipped on the all-ship intercom. "This is your captain. All hands to the bridge. I repeat, all hands to the bridge."

Kaylee and Simon showed up first, sleepily blinking. Inara followed a few minutes later, with Jayne bringing up the rear, pulling a t-shirt over his head and swearing in Chinese.

"Somethin' wrong, Cap'n?" Kaylee yawned.

"Something's very wrong, little Kaylee. Seems we've got us a stowaway."

"A stowaway?" Simon asked.

"Yep, And I think she's taken up residence in Jayne's bunk."

Jayne blushed and stammered. "Ain't nobody but me in my bunk, Mal."

"Beg to differ, Jayne. Mostly on account of I can hear that racket yer making. Way I figure is that Inara wouldn't get that desperate. And you're terrified of Zoe or River."

"Sir," Zoe spoke up. "It also looks like he's got a hickey on his neck."

Mal peered closer. "I do believe you're right, Zoe. So Jayne, why don't you bring your bunkmate up to meet the crew?"

Knowing he was humped and had no other option, Jayne stomped back to his bunk opened the hatch and called down. "You might as well come on outta there. Jig's up."

The entire crew stared as Mr. Universe's LoveBot emerged up the ladder to stand next to a shamefaced Jayne.

Mal looked uncomfortable. "Jayne, care to explain what that...thing...is doing on my boat?"

"Hell, Mal. Man's got needs."