The 10 Things Kaylee Wouldn't Want to Know

Poor, poor Kaylee. So naive, so trusting. A bundle of hugs is our favorite Firefly mechanic. Sure, everyone aboard Serenity wants nothing but the best for Kaylee. That's why it's probably just as well that certain items of note never become common knowledge to our Miss Frye.

1. Although Kaylee is content to know nearly every seedy detail of Inara's stock and trade (despite how much she may outwardly display to the contrary), she would be more than a little jolted to know that Inara once accommodated a client and a certain member of his mutant cow livestock. This was a lapse in judgement which has never been discussed by Inara to anyone else in the 'Verse.

2. Some of the more horrifying details surrounding Shepherd Book's mysterious past would, if known, cripple even Jayne's eroded sensibilities. Kaylee, however, would never pray again if the truth were revealed that the good Shepherd once blew a Firefly class boat out of the sky -- carrying women and children, no less -- and has considered climbing abroad Serenity a sort of celestial punishment.

3. Kaylee is no stranger to Mal's confusing sense of honor and duty. Her smile would fade, however, if things wouldn't have gone according to plan whilst delivering all those head of cattle. The truth is that Kaylee's favorite captain in the tight pants would have blown those poor cows out the airlock and into the cold black if the alliance (or worse) would have forced his hand. Note the lack of netting and harnesses to protect the cattle from unexpected gravity loss if you don't believe it.

4. Still unable to fully shake the deep-seated fear of River Tam, Kaylee's survival instincts tingle whenever her crazy little partner in jacks comes around. The reason for this may be the horrible fact that River knows the exact way she would kill Kaylee if she ever became a viable target -- a scenario which has come much closer to fruition than anyone would ever be comfortable with.

5. The apple of Kaylee's eye, Simon, had more than a few lives on his line early in his medical career. Despite the many tales of heroism which would undoubtedly set Kaylee's romance bells to ringing, one item on Simon's history chart would most assuredly put her engines in reverse. She wouldn't kiss him for a solid month if she knew he once had to separate a wealthy DOA from the mysterious crevices of a mutant cow, most likely due to a companion's visit which went horribly wrong.

6. Jayne's stories already disgust Kaylee, but a big brother figure is a big brother figure -- at least that's what Kaylee figures. There's one factoid, however, that would just put an end to any of Kaylee's manufactured familial repartee. Jayne has only kissed two people on the mouth in the entire 'verse. One would be his mom. The other was kicked out of a ship during a heist gone south. Yes, the Hero of Canton thought the end might be near, and took precautions to ensure his dear mom wasn't the only person he kissed good and proper.

7. Wash wouldn't have wanted to cause Kaylee any distress. In that light, it's best that a certain fact went with him to the grave. If revealed, Wash's professional opinions would have enraged our little wrench muffin past the breaking point. Hoban not only flew ships with the Capissen 38 engine, but actually preferred them to the drive set Serenity sports.

8. Zoe has some combat experiences under her belt that give even someone as stoic and stalwart as herself bad dreams. Kaylee would, most likely, not want to know a one of them. That said, there is one fact of Zoe's past that would really curl Kaylee's locks. Zoe once destroyed an entire shipment of fresh fruit -- including Strawberries -- as a disciplinary action against her own men. Well, not ALL the strawberries. There were a few that Zoe kept for herself and didn't bother to share with anyone, including Mal.

9. Kaywinnit loves, loves, loves her pink, frilly dress. This is obvious to anyone breathing. Would it be so bad to tell Kaylee that it was made by Alliance slave labor? Would it be horrible to let her know that if Simon were to run forensics tests on the materials around the sleeves, trace amounts of someone else's blood would be found? Of course it would.

10. The true love of Kaylee's life, Serenity, would not fail to leave our darling crushed if the truth were known. If her walls could talk (without River's help) Serenity would reveal that she believes Miss Frye to be, at best, a second-rate engineer. Serenity would go on to say she would even prefer a male mechanic, if someone must go digging around in her thrusters.

See what I mean, dear reader? All for the best....