Inara caught herself again winding the tassel from her shawl around her finger in that absent-minded manner and sighed. It was not supposed to be this nerve-wracking, she was sure. She stood and forced herself to walk calmly to her wardrobe, removing the shawl as she went. If she couldn't keep herself from fiddling with the tassels, she could simply take away the temptation. She folded the shawl carefully and deliberately, placing it back within the confines of the closet and stepping back to close the door. Now, faced with an urgent need to do something, her eyes fell upon her bed. She decided changing the sheets there couldn't possibly be a bad idea and set about the chore. ...the way his kiss had made her tremble...her breathing shallow...she hadn't thought it could happen again...the smell of his skin, the way he had been so gentle, almost afraid he would hurt her...or she would stop him...his eyes...the contained emotion in those eyes...his eyes would haunt her, she knew...his touch... She sat on the bed, trying to regain a calm mind. Her stomach did another flip and she closed her eyes and stifled a groan. No matter what Simon had to say, she would find out how to proceed... She took a deep breath and held it a moment before breathing it out slowly. She repeated the breathing exercise three more times before standing up again. Inara's reflection in the mirror before her showed a calm, beautiful woman in an understated jade-colored sari. She unconsciously found her gaze lingering on her abdomen curiously...and turned abruptly to change the sheets. The problem, she soon discovered, was that mindless tasks left the mind to wander. What would she do? What could she do? How would people react if she kept... Would his eyes continue to haunt her in the face of another? A son? A daughter? Would this lead to more? How would Zoë feel? How would he feel? She still hadn't told him. That thought stopped her cold. He would not be happy to discover Simon knew first. Although, Simon would understand and keep his findings to himself...why hadn't she simply sat with River and let the girl tell her what was happening? Because River had been so busy learning to pilot Serenity and learning to live this life to just be used by Inara's selfish fears, the Companion admonished. Going to Simon discreetly had been best...and near miraculous. The doctor had spent nearly every moment by Kaylee's side that finding him alone in the infirmary long enough to make the request had almost been impossible. And, of course, they had needed to run the obsolete test because she wanted the rest of the crew to remain oblivious. She had requested that, too. Simon had offered to scan her, but someone would inevitably find out. On a ship such as this, a secret was very hard to keep. She knew that all too well. A soft knock at her door. She turned, a pillow still in her hands, and took a steadying breath before calling out for her visitor to enter. It couldn't be the captain, she knew, since he never knocked. Simon entered slowly. She sat down. "I have the results for you," Simon said softly. Inara nodded, realized how that made her appear anxious and cleared her throat. "I gathered as much," she responded in her velvety voice. "You have a stomach virus," the doctor explained. "I took the liberty of bringing you something to take care of it. It should clear up in a day or two." "Oh," Inara replied, for lack of anything better to say. Then, "Thank you. I appreciate it." Simon prepared her arm for the small injection, carefully avoiding her eyes. "Are you...feeling all right, otherwise?" he asked as tactfully as he could. All she felt was the tiniest of pinpricks - almost like a bite from a mosquito - against her skin. "I am relieved, of course," she said quickly, even managing a smile. "Could you imagine the chaos that would ensue if...if the other possibility proved to be the cause?" "Yes," Simon murmured. "I imagine it would be a relief." He stepped back from her and turned to go. "Oh," he said, turning back to face her. "The virus was probably the cause of the other symptoms you experienced." Inara nodded in acknowledgment. He frowned slightly. "Do you want to talk?" he asked. "I know I'm not exactly the first person to--" "I'll be fine, thank you," Inara said, regaining her composure. "I appreciate your offer, but I'm sure you would rather Kaylee's company. I have some other tasks that require my full attention at the moment." "Of course," Simon half-smiled. "I guess I'll see you at dinner, then." "Yes, thank you," Inara smiled again. When he was gone, she sank to the floor, still clutching the pillow in her arms. She should be relieved. She should be happy. She should be grateful. She should be relaxed and calm and all the other things she was before this had started wreaking havoc in her mind. But she just felt empty. She felt disappointed that she felt so empty...a small part of her had wanted it to be happening. A small part of her wanted to have...

She shook her head to clear away the self-pity.

It had been one night. There had been nothing since, except awkward moments in passing. What would he have done if she had told him?

Probably asked if she knew who the father was.

Inara picked herself up from the floor and finished tending to the bedcovers.

It's not like she needed to tell him now, anyway.

***

"So...she's not?" Mal asked, his face carefully guarded. Simon shook his head.

"Just a stomach virus," he replied. Mal nodded.

"You shouldn't have pried, Captain," Simon said sternly. "If this crew can't trust their doctor to protect their rights--"

"This concerned me," Mal cut him off. "I'll thank you to keep that to yourself, of course, but I'm sure you need no remindin'."

"Just because you saw me take some blood did not mean you needed to concern yourself," Simon argued.

"It wasn't just that," Mal replied. Then he turned back to the bridge. "I don't need to explain myself to you, though. Thank you for tellin' me."

Simon gave up and left the Captain to his own thoughts. Mal sat heavily in the pilot's chair and felt...disappointed. He had only found out an hour or so ago, but for that hour, he had almost felt on top of things. Inara hadn't had a client in nearly three months and they had had their night only two months ago... If she had been pregnant, that would have been his doing...

He should be relieved. He should be grateful. This ship was no place for a baby...

So why did he feel disappointed?