She remembered that job, remembered That conversation. Remembered that he was afraid that their world was to rough, too harsh. Not the kind of world to bring a child into. Remembered how he didn't want to raise a child shipboard.

It had hurt her when he had said no. She had always hidden how deeply from him, not wanting him to be hurt in turn, not wanting him to give in simply because he thought it was the only way to stop her from hurting.

Even if it was.

But he must have known anyway, or he wouldn't have done this.

But she had wanted to have the child WITH him. Had wanted him there as a father, a partner a family. Like she had had.

She had grown up shipboard, and she didn't think that she had turned out too bad! And she had had her Mother and her Father and their shipmates. She'd had a wonderful childhood, why couldn't he have seen that!

Why couldn't he have made a family with her?

She had wanted it so badly.

Still did.

Still wanted him...and his child.

But to have that child without him...and knowing that were he alive that they would have no child until he felt it were safe.

Would it betray him?

Would it be fair to the child?

Would she love it for it...and not because it was a piece of him?

The world would never be safe enough. She knew that, had known it since she was six.

He had wanted their child to grow up safe and sheltered,to prevent it from learning about rage, hate, pain, death and all the horrible things that one human being could do to another first hand.

There was the risk that if she did this, that she could die a year from now or thirty years from now. That was what he had been afraid of, leaving the child alone or worse seeing their child hurt or dead by their living.

You could die anywhere from anything. She could step off the ship tomorrow and be trampled to death by a horse.

And the child wouldn't be alone.

She had always known that.

Even if he couldn't see it.

So long as any member of this crew survived their child would have a home. Even Jayne would see that the child was cared for (though she shuddered at the idea).

Having a child wouldn't be impossible....Kaylee, River and Inara would be willing sitters, Mal a good father figure, though she would have sold her very soul to have Wash be here, be the father. Jayne would teach the baby to curse and about guns. Simon could see to its education.

She really wanted to do this.

But she needed to be sensible about it, she needed to be sure that she could be fair to the child, that she could love it for itself and not expect it to be a clone of its father.

She had to admit that part of the reason, a big part of the reason she wanted this was that having a small part of him still alive in the verse would ease her pain.

A selfish reason to be sure.

Beside that she set her need to have their child, carefully she probbed the need for a reason why. But she found only love, she loved him so much that she wanted to create a child with him. She wanted to be a mother.

She longed to meet their child, longed to see who the child would be.

Good reasons both of them.

But what about reasons not to have the child?

Their life was hard, and the child would learn early that death was permanent. There would be blood, pain, tears and death. Jayne would teach the child all kinds of cus words, would likely be the first to put a gun in the childs hand.

Was it right to bring a child into that?

And what about the day the child asked about its daddy...what then? Should she knowingly bring a child into the world without its father?

She just didn't know.

But she knew what she wanted.

In the end, it was Wash who decided her. Wash had seen her and wanted her, he hadn't thought about the feasibility, about the reasons why. He had just wanted her and he had gone for what he wanted.

He had seen the world in a way she had never could, but in the end he had died happy.

She knew that.

Knew that had she been able to speak to him now and ask him if he had been happy, he would have given her that look, the one he gave her when he was gonna say something he thought was funny but wasn't sure if she would be amused, and said "Well, I could have done with more naked beaches Lamby toes"

She strated crying then, powerful sobs that shook her whole body. She tried to be quite but she couldn't. It hurt so very much! She had held it in for so long. Hadn'tallowed herself to cry, she knew that it would start the healing process, and she hadn't wanted to heal.

Arms wrapped around her, Mal didn't say anything, just held her, wordlessly letting her know that he was there for her, and would be so long as he lived.

And she started to laugh, crying so hard she couldn't see, nose running like a faucet, sobs raking her body, she still laughed.

She would live.

He would want her too.

And she would have their child.