She understood that the food was better since she had come on board.

There was more money since they could sell the excess produce and some of the exotics to some of Inara’s contacts.

But the plants weren’t a magic bullet.

And the things that would really rake in the money she wouldn’t do.

Not since the last time.

She had made several million credits with that.

Still had ninety five percent of that money left too…

It was tainted money, bloody money.

She knew when Mal’d offered her a place in exchange for half of the profit that he’d found her name attached to that.

Knew he’d seen the amount of money made and looked no farther.

After all that’s what she’d seen.

He’d been horrified by the use her employers had put the enzyme.

Just as she’d been.

The Alliance was good at covering up thousands of deaths.

He’d understood when she told him that the profit from what she would do with the plants was meager.

That’s why they still took jobs.

And why she was lying in the dirt, under this stupid scratchy bush, which offered damned little in the way of shade, palms sweating as she sighted along Vera.

She smiled a little when she remembered Jayne complaining about Mal using her as their back up.

Saying as how he didn’t want to depend on her.

He gone on considerably in that vein until Mal’d told him that she’d be using Vera to watch their backs.

That had set the fox in the hen house for sure.

It’d taken Mal and Zoe nearly an hour and an ultimatum to calm him and produce the gun.

In the end Jayne had, had to admit that she was the best shot. And that Vera was the only gun with enough distance and a good enough scope to work.

But she understood Jayne’s hesitation.

Knew that Mal and Zoe had reservations for the same reason.

She’d never killed another living being before.

Not even the mice that’d frequented their basement labs.

But money was scarce, so too were jobs.

And the only one they could get brought them to Whitefall.

Made it necessary to deal with Patience.

Who she understood had shot Mal once before, and who would be disposed to be cranky as Mal had gotten the better of her the last time.

It was a given that Patience had no intention of dealing fairly with them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright people listen up. We’ve got a job. It’s a job ain’t none of us gonna like, and that’s including me, but it’s the only one going just now. You all know we’re short on cash and Kaylee tells me there’s some parts we gotta get or we ain’t gonna be flying no where.”

She looked around at the rest of the crew while Mal was talking, this was the first job they’d taken since she’d come on board and it excited her that she was included in this. That she was going to be expected to carry her share of the work just like everyone else.

Simon looked resigned and had a far away look in his eyes, one she had come to associate with him and the infirmary. He usually wore it when he was running a mental inventory of his supplies. But then, going by what had been said, and what was carefully not said she understood that most of their jobs usually resulted in one or more crew members shot. He was probably running over possibilities in his head and figuring out if he had what he needed on hand.

Inara looked worried, but given that most of the time it was Mal who was shot, she could understand that. Then too, there was the fact that she was Simon’s assistant; she was probably already wondering who she’d have to help patch up.

Zoe looked about like always; she had long ago perfected the unreadable expressionless mask she wore now. But she could see signs of tension. The way the corners of her mouth were drawn in, the hard look in her eyes, told Eve that she knew what the job was and really didn’t like it.

River looked bored, but then, she probably already knew what the job was, being psychic and all. She’d felt a shiver run down her spine when she thought that, she still hadn’t gotten used to the notion…but then she’d only known about it for about a week. Of course it had explained more than it didn’t…but still. She smiled at River when the girl looked at her, feeling? Hearing? her thoughts on her, suppressing a laugh when River’d made a face at her.

She looked at Jayne, and felt herself flushing when she met his eyes. He looked away, face unreadable. Frowning she studied him, he was constantly watching her, she would have thought that by now he’d have realized that she could be trusted.

Shrugging she looked at Kaylee; Kaylee wore a very serious expression leaving Eve feeling odd. The young women had always had a smile for her, in fact she couldn’t once remember a time when she’d seen the mechanic without a smile on her face. The absence now acted like a slap to the face, she straightened on the bench and turned her attention back to the briefing.

“On the surface its straight forward enough…but that’s just the surface. We’re to pick up a shipment of goods, I wasn’t given specifics. Given that’s its Badger who’s got the goods; I’d say it’s a safe bet that they belong to someone else. Now we ain’t dealing with Badger, he’s just the one as has what our employer wants transported. We have been hired to pick up the cargo on Persephone and drop them off on Whitefall. We’re to be paid on delivery, now it ain’t been said who we’re to deliver them too, but the safe money’s on Patience.”

She felt the tension in the room rise as Kaylee and Inara gasped. The bench rocked as Jayne sat up straighter; she sneaked a peek at him and felt herself straighten at the determined expression he wore.

“Now I figure that we’ll go in using the same plan as the last time.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She suppressed a giggle as she remembered the chorus of disbelief that had greeted Mal’s pronouncement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sir!”

“Mal!”

“Are you insane!”

“Cap’n!”

“Hell...Mal!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Movement drew her eye; she sighted down Vera’s scope (why did the man name his guns anyway? Especially girl names? Why not something tough?) tracking Mal, Zoe and Jayne as they emerged from the scant shade they’d been sitting in.

Carefully she moved to look in the direction they were facing; her first look at Patience was anticlimactic.

After the way the other’s had gone on about her she’d expected someone more….well more.

She looked like a bitter old woman who spent her life working in the sun, not like some sort of devious back stabber. Come to that she didn’t look any different than the old women back on Huār.

But then, River didn’t look like she could single-handedly kill a room full of Reavers, but Zoe said she did.

Patience had to be a tough old bird to send all of those spies out.

They’d gotten here a full day before the meet but the woman’s spies were already in place. It had taken Jayne and River several hours to find them all. And even longer to determine whether or not they were in contact with anyone, and still longer to detain them all. Not kill though. There were strict orders about killing.

She was only supposed to shot if it looked like Mal, Zoe and Jayne wouldn’t be able to get out, and even then her first shot was only supposed to be a warning shot.

That part was no problem, it was the shooting to kill part that had her, and everyone else worried.

She wondered if she could kill in cold blood….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She didn’t want to share her reservations with Mal or Zoe. It would sound like she was unwilling to carry her own weight.

Besides she knew that they were both worried about her ability to kill, should it be needed.

If she’d heard Jayne say it once she’d heard him say it a thousand times, “You’re a good shot, and that ain’t nothing, but that ain’t anything special till you can hit your target every time when your target is a man.”

She could talk to River she supposed, but conversations with River were generally counter productive.

Or at the very best unhelpful.

The girl was extremely intelligent and over all very good at looking at a situation and knowing what needs to be done to repair it. But giving a straight answer…that she wasn’t so good at. Besides she was all too apt to tell her she needed to find her own answer…she did that a lot too, the brat.

She knew they wondered about her skill.

How a girl who spent as much time in a lab as they knew she did acquired the ability to outshoot a mercenary who made a living by his gun.

But they didn’t ask and she didn’t volunteer.

It hurt less to think of her parents. To remember the life she had had before this one.

But she wasn’t ready to talk about them.

About how her father had, had enemies.

How he’d fled the core worlds, afraid that those in power that he’d defied and offended would pursue him.

About the simulator, the best money could buy in his workshop.

About how she was required to spend one hour everyday in that cramped little booth practicing with every gun the programmers had gotten their hands on.

She reminded herself that it had been a very good simulator. One that had included sights, sounds and smells in the holographic shooting range.

It still wasn’t the same.

And no matter that the images of the people she’d shot in the booth were very graphic, they weren’t real people.

And she’d always known that.

But this was real, and she wondered if she could pull the trigger if she had too.

She’d spent every night since the plan had been announced staring at the ceiling listening to River toss and turn, trying to keep her mind quiet so she didn’t keep the young psychic awake and failing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She watched the scene unfold through Vera’s sight, making up what was happening just to amuse herself.

Mal’s mouth moved, then Patience’s mouth, then Mal’s again.

No doubt they were chaffering; Mal seemed unable to refrain from mouthing off. He gave everyone lip, his life would have been much easier if he’d learn to prevent his thoughts direct access to his mouth.

He accused Simon of having the Shoe in Mouth disease….

Zoe and Jayne stood on either side of Mal, tense, hands away from their guns but ready to draw at a moments notice.

Something seemed off though.

Patience’s men weren’t tense…weren’t ready to draw.

They were sitting their horses like they were passing the time of day with an old neighbor.

Not like they were facing trouble.

True they had a two to one advantage even if you didn’t count Patience and you counted her…which they shouldn’t know about.

But they had had the advantage the last time too and look what had happened then.

Something was definitely off.

They should be nervous.

Not confident.

They should be watchful, wary.

Not relaxed and bored.

Frantically she left off watching the scene below and began searching the surrounding area, looking for something….anything that was out of place.

There…desert broom was green, kind of a sickly yellow green, an ugly weed that grew voraciously, was resistant to all herbicides and was capable of some of the most amazing adaptations she’d ever seen.

That’s why she had one in her collection; the sheer adaptability of the plant was something she hoped to isolate and give to other more desirable plants.

But somehow she doubted that a gun barrel with what she recognized as a silencer on the end was one of its many adaptations

She stopped looking for people and started looking at the plants…she knew nothing about hiding; Jayne had scouted this position for her, had set it up and had concealed it.

Then when she’d complained about the mix of the plants he used, he’d grunted and done it over again with her watching him, and making suggestions about which plants to use.

She watched him create this hiding place and she still had no idea how he’d made it completely invisible.

But he knew nothing of plants, and so long as he used local plant matter and did not disturb the surrounding area too much he considered it a job well done.

Presumably these men felt the same.

Rather than looking for what she knew she would never find, she looked for discrepancies in the plants.

There, vegetation of two slightly different shades and leaf shapes, she could just make out the barrel of the gun.

And there, the fourwing saltbrush was covered in flowers, but here and there were bare spots. Peering through the grey-green leaves she could make out a rich brown fabric. Not a wise choice of attire for a bush of that color…

She looked for more disturbed plants, but saw none that could not be easily explained away by animal activity.

That didn’t mean there weren’t more lurking but if there were she couldn’t see any places where they could be.

The question she had to answer now is what did she do?

Yes this was supposed to be a non-lethal drop.

She was supposed to make her first shot a warning shot….but who would it warn?

The things she’d noticed would be invisible from their angle.

Yes they would know something was up, but they would have no idea where to point their guns, or where not to put their backs.

And the warning shot would lose for them the element of surprise, Patience and her men would know that someone was out here, losing part of her effectiveness and opening up the possibility that she would send someone out to find and neutralize her.

That left the kill option.

There was simply no way for them to get out of this unscathed which moved her orders into the shoot to kill realm.

But there was no way for her to kill all three of the snipers without them getting a shot off.

Hmmmm.

Jayne would never forgive her….but it would work.

Carefully she took aim, one of the snipers was on a clear shooting line with Jayne and if she shot close to him…close enough that he felt the passing, they would assume that someone was shooting at them and take cover.

If they took cover in the rocks and little washout just behind them the other two snipers wouldn’t have a very good line of sight, which would mean she could take them out without worrying too much about them getting a good shot off.

Forcing herself to take action, knowing that if she didn’t move now she would endlessly debate her options and fail the others.

Carefully she sighted on the gun barrel sticking from the desert broom, carefully she raised her aim, extrapolating where the shooter’s head was based on the gun barrel.

She exhaled, letting every bit of breath out, then she inhaled and held it, gently she squeezed the trigger (Her father’s voice in her ear, squeeze the trigger, never pull it).

She rode the recoil as the bullet left the gun, knowing that she would have a spectacular bruise to show for it, she kept her eye glued to the sight.

Watched in horror as Jayne shifted slightly to the left putting him in the bullets path.

Watched blood spray as he went down.

She didn’t see the bush she aimed for explode with blood and other matter, its leaves and branches dripping, her eyes fixed on Jayne willing him to move.

Shots rang out as Mal and Zoe dropped to the ground; quickly they grabbed the mercenary, she almost laughed with relief when Jayne helped them drag him to the rocks.

Knowing that he was alive she turned her attention to the other two snipers who were even now trying to make up for their moment of hesitation when Jayne had gone down.

Sighting and firing she took out the first one…she was pretty sure it was a head shot, but the second one she wasn’t so sure of.

All she could see of him was that scrap of brown cloth and she had no way to figure out what part of the body she had aimed for. She thought it was a torso shot, was pretty sure it was a serious wound as he had stopped firing after she shot him.

Turning back to Jayne and Zoe and Mal she found that they were holding their own. Most of Patience’s men were down, and as she watched Jayne took a shot that dropped one of the three still standing.

That made her feel a lot better, if he was still shooting it wasn’t a serious wound.

But it was definitely time to end this.

Patience was sheltering behind the corpse of one of the downed horses, they couldn’t get a clear shot at her and with out a more powerful weapon they couldn’t shoot through the horse.

But she had a perfectly clear line of sight.

She didn’t intend to kill her, she hoped she wouldn’t have to.

She didn’t want to kill anymore today.

Or ever.

The sight of her second target’s bush being showered with blood was one that would haunt her tonight….maybe for many years to come.

She sighted on Patience’s hat; she spared a moment to hope that the woman wouldn’t move unexpectedly as Jayne had.

If she did it wouldn’t be a graze she’d get, no she’d be missing the top part of her head.

But if her hat suddenly flew off from a bullet hitting it, surely she’d reconsider her position.

Exhaling and inhaling she gently squeezed the trigger, and smiled when only the woman’s hat was blown away.

Patience and her two remaining men froze; Mal and the others stopped firing when they realized that Patience’s and her men weren’t shooting any more.

Slowly Patience raised her gun hand and then tossed the weapon toward Mal; quickly following suit the other two threw their weapons away like they couldn’t get rid of them fast enough.

She watched as her friends rose from their cover, guns trained on the men and Patience.

She paid scant attention to what happened beyond making sure that the other sniper wasn’t playing possum.

She had a powerful need to throw up, but she wouldn’t let herself….not yet. Not until the other’s were safe, then she’d throw up until even the memory of food was gone. And shower, she didn’t care what Mal said about wasting water, she had the sudden overwhelming urge to scrub until she’d taken off a layer or three of skin. Then she’d lock herself into her bunk and cry until she could cry no more.

But that was later.

After everyone was safe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She managed to keep herself together.

They got the money, no more and no less than what they had been promised, and left the goods.

They made it back to Serenity with no injuries beyond the one Jayne sported.

Kaylee closed the airlock as soon as they were inside, River took off as soon as the lock was closed and Simon had dragged Jayne into the infirmary.

No one noticed when she slipped away.

She headed to her bunk, Kaylee’s excited voice echoing through the bay, Zoe’s calm voice answering. The murmur of Mal and Inara bickering, their steps ringing against the stairs as they headed to their shuttle. All so normal.

Like nothing had happened.

Like they hadn’t left people dead behind them.

Like she hadn’t left dead behind her.

She closed and locked her door, and sat on her bed.

Tried to hold the nausea down.

Tried to convince herself that she was nothing like Raul and his gang.

That this crew, her friends were nothing like Raul.

But all she kept seeing was the explosion of blood, the green leaves dripping red.

The beautiful heirloom rug, it was supposed to be hers when she married.

The swirls and whorls of the plant leaves, her mother said they were Ivy.

But they weren’t really…a stylized representation perhaps.

Soft pinks and greens representing a romanticized, idealized gathering of roses and ivy.

So very pretty.

She’d loved it, in spite of its deficiencies.

Ruined.

The fragile designs lost in a sea of red.

Blood everywhere.

Just like the desert broom.

Just like the other bush…she didn’t even know what kind it was. Didn’t recognize it.

Before or after.

Of course not after!

Not covered in blood.

Not ruined.

How could she recognize it then?!

She was as bad as Raul.

She killed too.

She clutched Vera closer, realized what she was doing and started to stand, started to thrown the gun away in revulsion, a hand clamped down on her hands, stopping her from throwing the gun.

The loaded gun.

She froze….who the hell was in her bunk with her?

She looked up, and met Jayne’s cool blue eyes, she tried to jerk away, but his hand was still clamping hers to the gun.

She looked away, uncomfortable under his gaze…fixing her eyes on his chin she asked “How’d you get in? I locked the door!”

He shook her, with just one hand holding hers to the gun he had loaned her in a vice-like grip he shook her until she was dizzy demanding “What are you playing at girl?!? Throwing a loaded weapon! Hell throwing any weapon!”

He waited for her to answer him, before she could form a coherent answer he shoved her away from him, she landed hard on her bunk, Vera still in her hands.

He straightened and stared down at her for what seemed to her to be an eternity, abruptly he sat down beside her on the bunk.

Taking Vera from her, he quickly unloaded her and set her aside.

“I ain’t any kinda genius like the doc or his kid sister. I ain’t smart as Inara or Mal…Hell Kaylee’s smarter than I am. Them babies will be smarter than I am. I ain’t any good at this sorta thing.”

He leaned back against the wall and stared unseeingly at the wall across the room.

“It ain’t an easy thing to kill a man. Well it is…it just ain’t an easy thing to live with. Mal, Zoe and Me have killed lots of times, Hell I don’t know how many times I’ve killed, I’m guessing they don’t either. Sad part is that every time you pull that trigger it gets easier.”

He looked her straight in the eyes and continued “Now I ain’t saying that we like to kill. Hell given my druther’s I’d never kill another person. But that ain’t like to happen.”

“The difference tween, Mal, Zoe, and hell even Me, and them go se that did for your parents, is that we know what we’re doing is wrong. Bible is pretty clear on that…and we figure eventually we’ll pay for it.”

“We don’t kill for pleasure, we kill only when we have too.”

“Still don’t make it right though.”

He fell silent for a moment, still holding her eyes with his “Everyone on this ship, excepting them babies has killed before. The doc has picked up a gun and fired it with the intention of killing. Kaylee has too. So’s Inara. And just living this life is gonna make them do it again and again.”

“Now here’s where you make your choices, You’re a crack shot. Didn’t miss once, and I ain’t a counting my arm cuz I moved in the way of the bullet, and it ain’t nothing more than a flesh wound. But simple fact of the matter is if you stay here you will have to kill again.”

“Mal’ll respect your wishes if’n you tell him that you don’t want to go on another job, least as much as he can…but things go wrong. And if the only job he can get requires that he use you….he will.”

“Now, I’m gonna take Vera and clean her, you go take a shower, then think about what I said…and if you decide to stay well you’re welcome too, won’t mind having you at my back. But if you decide to go, well I‘ll wish you good luck.”

He took the gun and walked to the door, but before he left he turned back and gave her his best wicked grin “The lock ain’t much of a challenge; I can pick it one handed and blindfolded.”

With that he left, closing the door behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She took the shower.

And went to help Inara with dinner. Not without some trepidation though.

The woman was a companion; she tended to “be there” for anyone on the crew who had even a slight problem.

She just didn’t want to talk about it with her.

She didn’t want to talk about it with Jayne either.

Or anyone.

At dinner they all acted like nothing had happened.

Like everything was normal.

Laughing and talking, making jokes and bickering over the same things they always did.

It kept her awake for a long time, thinking about it.

To them it was normal.

They thought it was too bad that they had left bodies behind them. That back there on Whitefall there was widows crying for their husbands, Mother’s mourning their sons.

They reasoned that it was them or us.

And they were right.

But they had taken the job knowing it would put them at that risk.

So how did that make it right?

But she’d decided it was going to be them.

She hadn’t hesitated too much, on the first shot.

Not at all on the second or third.

She’d made the decision to shot to kill on her own.

She had decided that a warning shot would endanger her friends.

She had decided to kill for them.

Decided that it would be “us” that walked out alive.

And “them” that died.

So now what did that make her?

A murderer?

Yes, she had killed, had known going into the situation that she might have to kill.

Had wondered if she could do it.

Was afraid that she couldn’t, that she would fail her friends.

And now she knew that she could.

And was disgusted at how easily she’d pulled the trigger, not once, not twice but three times.

Disgusted by how little she felt when she’d sighted on Patience’s hat, knowing that if the woman moved she’d be dead.

So she was a killer.

But was it all that bad a thing to be?

Part of her screamed that it was, that she was a monster.

Going to hell.

But most of her decided that it wasn’t a good thing, but neither was it bad.

The pragmatic part of her, most of her, reminded her that her father had killed before.

So too had her mother.

She had known that Zoe had.

And Mal had.

They’d been in the war, so of course they had.

River had.

Kaylee had, and Inara and Simon.

Of course Jayne had.

She’d listened to the stories. Read between the lines.

Felt that Niska had it coming.

So had Dobson. Saffron did too for all she walked away alive.

So where did that put her?

Besides making her a hypocrite…she would kill Raul with Joy in her heart if she ever got the chance.

She was a killer.

She didn’t want to be.

But she was.

And she knew that she would kill again, without hesitation to protect herself, or anyone on this crew.

Even if she had nightmares about it for the rest of her life.

Sitting here in her bunk, keeping herself awake wouldn’t change what was.

And she’d never felt anything but scorn for the idiots who had stood around poor souling it over what had happened.

You couldn’t change it, so accept it and move on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She did have a nightmare.

But not like she’d expected.

She didn’t dream about what she’d done, but of killing little Ari and little Ellie.

She woke terrified with the sound of her own deranged laughter ringing in her head.

She lay there, covered in sweat gasping, choking down nausea.

For a moment the dream had seemed so real.

The weight and feel of the gun in her hand, one of hers.

She had two, given to her when she was ten, as a reward for beating the simulator for the first time.

They were colt 45’s, a popular gun on Earth that was in the old west.

She’d liked them the best out of all of the programmed guns the simulator had to offer.

It had fed her sense of romanticism to be using a gun that men had carried over six hundred years ago.

She’d learned to shot with both hands, taught herself to draw with complete impartiality, to hit her target no matter which hand she drew with.

It had been a game.

It hadn’t been fun in her dream.

They were pretty pieces, for a pretty girl her father had said with a smile when he’d given them to her.

Gleaming metal and smooth hand carved cherry colored wood.

Matching hand tooled leather holsters, and a pretty woven belt.

She’d long ago outgrown the belt, and a year or so ago, her father had given her a leather belt, tooled to match the holsters.

Stylized ivy and roses.

He’d had the pattern copied from the rug.

Joked that now she could pass the guns down to her daughter with the matching rug.

She’d felt the smooth wood in her hand, felt the swirls and whorls of the carvings.

Smelled the crisp clove scent of the oil she used to clean it.

The smell of the gun when it fired; burnt cloves, hot metal and acrid smoke, more tasted than smelt.

The coppery stink of blood.

The ringing in her ears from the shot, and Ari screaming in fear from the sound.

The sight of Ellie’s broken body, blood everywhere.

Splattered on her and Ari.

Turned to Ari, level the gun, and gently squeeze the trigger, it was then that she’d woken.

For a moment she was stuck in the dream again.

Getting up she dressed, her bunk smelled of fear and sweat…the smell alone would keep her awake.

And she felt no desire to sleep anymore right now anyway.

Leaving the door open to air the room out, she headed to the kitchen with the intention of getting a snack.

She would sit in the dark and watch the stars.

She moved quietly through the dark ship, smiling at how much more like home it seemed to her than the house she’d grown up in.

She was surprised to find the lights on in the common room, resigned when she saw River sitting at the table.

River had two steaming mugs of tea on the table; she could smell the roses and chamomile from the door.

As she walked in River added a generous spoon full of honey to the mug across from her own.

Sighing, she went and sat before the mug, knowing as soon as River’d added the honey to it that it was hers.

No one else liked honey in their tea.

She sipped at the sweet liquid, relaxing in spite of herself, and waited.

“I felt the dream.”

She shrugged, she wasn’t really surprised.

“You aren’t a monster.”

She looked up at that, surprised, and at the same time not surprised, that the girl would cut so quickly to the heart of the matter.

River wore a serene expression that sat oddly on the features of one so young.

“Simon isn’t a monster.”

She was confused by the apparent non sequitur, but River continued.

“A little too much of this, a little more of that, and no one would be the wiser. He never would, horrified by the thought. It’s good, normal. Makes you question your actions. Makes you examine motives. Keeps you from becoming one.”

River smiled sweetly, downed her tea, patted her on the hand and in one smooth motion rose from her seat and left.

At the door she stopped, and turned “Drink your tea, and sleep, everything will look better in the morning.”

Shaking her head she drank her lukewarm tea, cleared away the mess and went back to bed.

She lay there certain she wouldn’t be able to sleep, closed her eyes for a moment and fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She woke up to the sound of a smothered giggle, followed by the sound of her door whispering open.

For a moment her dream hung before her eyes. She tasted again the acrid smoke from her fired gun, smelled the burnt cloves mixed with the stench of blood.

Impatient with herself she pushed away the nightmare.

River had been right; waking after a good sleep unbroken by nightmares she felt nothing but mild disgust for her panic.

She wasn’t a monster.

And wasn’t likely to be.

River was right about that too. Just the thought of hurting an innocent filled her with nausea.

And so long as it did she need not fear becoming someone who would.

Damn the girl anyway.

So she kept her eyes closed; pretending she was still asleep.

She listened to the soft slap of bare feet as they crossed her floor.

Held herself still as she felt one little body climb on the bed.

Waited until the second girl made it up, and grabbed them both, smothering them with kisses, and tickling them until they shrieked with laughter.

Laughing she let the girls go, Ari already pouting, while Ellie still giggled.

“No fair Evie, you always wake up! One day we’ll get you!”

She laughed, gently tugging on Ari’s protruding lower lip.

“Maybe you will and maybe you won’t…but I’m thinking that you won’t manage it until you get Ellie here to stop giggling!”

Ari leveled a stern glare at Ellie, a glare that was quite powerful enough to strip paint, but which her sister, with the ease of long practice ignored.

Zoe appeared in the open door, sighing “Come on girls its time to get dressed for breakfast. Let’s go and give Eve a chance to wake up”

Ellie turned pleading eyes on her mother “But Momma…”

Zoe just raised her eyebrow, and gave them a look.

Both girls sighed, giving her a kiss before the climbed down, they followed their mother back up to their room to get dressed.

Jayne leaned in the door and leered at her “Them girls should know better than to try that look on her. Only ones it works on are the Captain and the Doc…and sometimes Kaylee.”

She raised her eyebrows and looked at him, and was rewarded when his ears started turning red.

Mumbling he turned away “Alright so maybe it works on me too.” He left, closing her door behind him.

She got up and dressed quickly, she and Inara had begun to share the chore of cooking, and as Inara had cooked last night it was her turn to cook now.

And if Jayne was up and about, then she’d better get breakfast done or she’d have to listen to him whine and guard what she was fixing from him as he seemed to take great delight in stealing bits from her and Inara when they cooked.

She slid open her door and turned without really looking where she was going, and ran smack into Jayne.

She’d fully expected to find him sitting at the table in the common room so that he could make snide comments about breakfast being late.

He was a rather solid individual standing head and shoulders above her, so she bounced when she hit him, and would likely have fallen had he not caught her by the shoulders.

He grinned down at her “In a hurry?”

She stuck her tongue out at him, immature yes, satisfying as all get out though.

He shook her, more gently than he had the day before, but it still left her a bit rattled.

Abruptly he let her go, and she staggered a bit trying to get her balance.

He waited until she had it then reached out and gripped her chin; he tilted her face up and stared down at her for a long time.

She felt herself flushing; she started to pull away, but stopped when she felt his grip tighten.

“You all right?”

She flushed a brighter red but managed not to stutter when she said “Yes”

He looked at her for a moment longer, then he started to lean in, her heart started racing…surely he wasn’t going to kiss her?

“Jayne’s sweet on Eve, Jayne’s sweet on Eve!”

He jerked away from her, hand dropping from her chin like he’d been burnt.

“Gorram it Moonbrain!”

He stalked away, muttering under his breath.

Eve turned to glare up at River, who grinned unrepentantly down at her.

River’s grin got wider as she lowered her voice and said “Eve’s sweet on Jayne! Eve’s sweet on Jayne!”

She gestured rudely at the chanting psychic, and stalked off to the common room, wondering as she went if Jayne really did like her, and if he really would have kissed her if River hadn’t interrupted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time breakfast had been fixed, consumed and cleaned up she had decided that he wouldn’t have.

Everyone knew that Jayne did not kiss anyone on the lips.

And too now that she wasn’t nearly hysterical, now that her emotions were worn out and her mind engaged she recognized some truths.

He was not likely to be interested in her, he preferred whores, women that he could take what he wanted from and only give money to in exchange.

He was a silent taciturn man, so much so that he was half convinced that she’d hallucinated the talk he’d given her.

Hell, she was half convinced she’d hallucinated the conversation they’d had this morning.

But only half.

She couldn’t forget the strength, warmth and gentleness of his hand when he held her chin…or how his chest had felt for the half second she’d been pressed against it before she’d bounced off of him.

She shook he head trying to clear it of the silly thoughts that haunted her. There was no point in being attracted to Jayne, nothing would come of it.

She told herself that quiet sternly, and when she didn’t listen she gave it up in frustration and went to see Kaylee about building a proper still, the crab apple tree was quite heavy with fruit and she’d a notion that apple whiskey would sell really well out here on the rim….especially if Simon could cook up a good forgery of an Alliance tax stamp.