Simon found his hand cupping his throat of its own will. The bruises there reminded him of Mal's orders, Kaylee's hurt and his own resolution.

He'd been ordered to report all such things to Mal in future.

Kaylee'd been hurt, certain that he didn't trust her with his secrets.

Neither of them understood that they weren’t his secrets to betray.

That it was the most sacred rights of a patient.

Just as a priest didn’t betray what he heard in confessionals, so doctors didn’t betray what they learned from their patients.

So.

Even if Mal saw it as disobedience and threw him off his ship.

Even if Kaylee were hurt by what she saw as his distrust, even if it lost her for him (though the notion hurt him more than he would ever be able to express).

What passed between him and the crew, his family would stay with him.

He would not betray his oaths.

He’d given up so much all ready; he would not give up that.

So he didn’t put Zoë off, he didn’t call Mal to participate in the discussion.

But that being said, he wasn’t going to go forward with this until he was sure that it was the right thing to do.

So he answered Zoë’s question with one of his own

“Have you thought this through?”

Her eyes narrowed, and he cringed inside; as Wash had frequently said, this was a woman that could kill him with her pinky, and for all that he liked and respected her, he was a little afraid of her when he had done or said something she disapproved of.

But he wouldn’t back down, so he met her eyes and waited for a response.

She sighed, and with that simple action all the fire in her seemed to have died out.

“You all have worried about me, telling me about what Wash had left was a hard decision for you. I know that. I know that you are afraid that I am rushing into this. But I’m not. I want this child; Wash wanted me to have this child. This is not a decision born out of my grief.”

She paused and took a deep breath, but before she could continue, Mal cleared his throat behind her.

Simon jumped and though he tried to stop himself he knew that he had a guilty look on his face, Zoë turned to face Mal, and Mal smiled that same old cocky grin of his and said “Is this a private conversation or can anyone join?”

He nodded over at Simon “Doc, thought a bit about what you said last night…and I can see how you might be right. Sides I knew you weren’t gonna tell me nothing, so I figured that I’d best hang about where the action was gonna take place.”

Zoe’s shoulders tightened, and though Simon couldn’t see her face, her voice told him that it would be calm and expressionless “Eavesdropping is a filthy habit Sir; so’s beating up a man that can’t defend himself against you.”

Simon felt himself flushing, he’d hoped that the collar covered the bruises….but evidently that was not the case. He pulled the stupid thing off, it itched anyway, and if the bruises could be seen….there wasn’t much point in wearing the uncomfortable thing.

Mal shrugged though his grin faded, though he felt a bit guilty whenever his eyes rested on the doc. “That’s true enough as far as that goes, but we aren’t here to talk about mine or the Doc’s shortcomings. We’re here to talk about brining a baby onto my boat.”

Zoë got a militant look on her face, the same one she wore when he ordered her not to marry Wash, so he held up his hand hoping to get a chance to speak his piece “I ain’t set against it Zoë, like the Doc here, I just wanna make sure that you’ve thought this thing through. Doc barely told you about it last night, and here you are a scant eight hours later with a decision. Now I know you Zoë, this ain’t like you at all, you don’t rush into things. Yours is the calm head I know I can count on, and I’m worried about you.”

Her face softened, losing the hard look it had worn, and for the first time since Wash had died she allowed herself to remember that she wasn’t alone. True she had known that the crew would be here for her baby, but she’d not thought of it in terms of herself. Mal was her brother, her friend and he would stand by her no matter what she decided to do. And the doc, how long had he agonized over whether or not to tell her? How worried he must have been about her reaction. She knew that he’d been researching counseling articles on the cortex; specifically ones dealing with post traumatic stress and the loss of a loved one.

And he’d been watching her, she’d known that, but ignored it. Shutting herself away from them all in her grief.

How many times had Kaylee made a point of giving her a hug each day? How many times had she brought her some little something to eat when she hadn’t gone to a meal? And she’d stayed talking about nothing in particular and everything in the verse until she eaten knowing that she wasn’t going to go away until the food was consumed.

How many times had River made some reference to some obscure story or play, forcing her to go look them up just to understand what the girl was talking about? And how many times had she found herself lost in those plays and stories forgetting her grief for hours on end?

Jayne was consistently there too. Offering to work out with her, to spar with her, letting her beat the crap out of him and expend some of the rage that filled her.

Mal had been there too, giving her a place she could go and be quiet.

Inara had been there too, with her teas, and her understanding.

And she had pushed them all away. Certain that they couldn’t understand, weren’t hurting like she was.

She felt her eyes filling up, but she refused to cry. Refused.

Not here…not now.

She had been so stupid!

She loved them all, and they loved her. And they had been there for her, only she was too blind too see it.

Too caught up in her own pain to remember that she had lost her husband, but that they had lost a friend and brother. That she wasn’t the only one grieving for him.

But Mal was waiting for an answer, it was the right decision, she was sure it was. She wanted this baby, wanted it to be a member of her family, wished it could know it’s daddy, but she knew that none of them would ever forget him, and that they would help her make sure that Wash lived on in his child’s mind.

“I know you are, I do. But I’m better now, not completely healed but better. This is good for me, it’s helped me. Given back something I hadn’t realized I’d lost. I’m sure that I want this. That I’m ready for this.”

He didn’t say anything, just looked at her for a long time. She didn’t know what he’d seen in her eyes, but it was enough for him, he turned to Simon and said “What’re you waiting for? Let’s get this baby started.”

He’d held her hand for the whole procedure, and had stood beside her that night at dinner when she’d announced that she was pregnant.

They’d all been so surprised, but happy.

This was a good thing; it would help them all heal.

The baby would give them, and her hope again, it would let them look to the future.

As soon as she’d made her announcement Kaylee had asked her what she was gonna name the baby, she’d said she didn’t know. And before she knew it everyone had a suggestion, but in the end Jayne had come up with the name the child would carry if it was a boy.

Derrial.

And River the name the child would carry if it was a girl.

Elpis.

An ancient word for Hope.